I wish I was a lifeguard

   So I could save myself

        From drowning under your gaze

               And resuscitate my heart

                      As it beats its last murmur

                               And hums your name

Paper pages are always so comforting
No judgement, no bias
Just happy to see a human face
Always willing to whisk you away

For once you have control of where life takes you
Whether back to the past, future, or the Neverland of imagination
Some time away from reality in a comforting place
A best friend you'll have, a love retained

Help I think I'm about to fall
I'm really scared I don't know who to call
Words caught in my throat, thoughts caught in my mind
I'm too close to taking a dive

Screams turned too low, thoughts turned too loud
Clawing at a wall in which I'll be the one breaking down
This won't be the first, second, third, or last
I can't scrounge up another second chance

You were my sweet, chaotic sanity
The thought of being half of a wrong whole
Now I bear the brunt of a nasty fall
A pain which will never dull

The fire fizzles fast and bright
bright lights dance & haunt the night
night drowns the hopes of surrender
this life will forever be remembered

Cracked souls & foul play
play time is over & time to escape
escape the fates with foul desire
I am nothing less than a survivor

A heartbeat pounds & quickens its pace
pace turns to panic & rushes the race
race past the twilight hours of day
I will remember nothing but your face

Daydreams turn to nightmares & the heart starts to break
break apart & fall away
away from me you'll always be
my memories will keep me company

A broken & saddened little spirit
spirit shares the mind & breaks past the mirrors
mirrors will guide you home
I won't hurt you anymore

I'm okay there's nothing to fear
I've found peace & guidance with no more tears
mind over matter, warriors unite
In this fight I'll turn to light

My lips don't move
My voice makes no sound
My heart is screaming
To have you around

My eyes are pleading
My hands are reaching
My mind is breaking
To hold your ghost again

My throat is swelling
My tears are falling
My ego is faltering
To hold against your offense

My body has gotten up
My determination is boiling
My anger is blazing
To not be dropped by you again

My addiction has faded
My symptoms have withdrawn
My soul is healing
To show you're not my drug anymore

I know I'm not alone
It's a given
I've got friends by my side
Alliances that will not shatter or rust

But loneliness attacks the heart, the soul
Not anyone can fill that gap
And when pieces are mercilessly ripped out
And the heart is left with gaping holes
You start to wonder if anyone can fill it

I long for those holes to be patched up
Whole, but never perfect
Eighteen years with the life of thirty
Clinging to happiness
Drama to help me know I'm alive
I hope I find you *soon

When you sit alone at night
And can't help but stare blankly into darkness
Remembering all those times you were
torn up
  chewed up
    spit out
      stepped on
        shattered into millions of pieces
Not knowing why, and wondering how the hell you ever made it


Curling into a ball and hugging yourself tighter than ever
With the quiet, shallow breathing you've perfected so as to not wake a soul
And tears escaping your eyes and cracking your insides as if you were nothing but raw
Shaking as if the room was cold beyond compare
Fighting inner demons as they try to escape through every pore of your body
As if they were trying to take hold of where a warrior once possessed
Spasms of terror paralyze limbs, thoughts taking over
Closing your eyes tight until the time has passed
Falling asleep, recouping for nights to come

I think about you
    And it's weird
           I wish I could read into your thoughts
                And see if we're on the same wavelength
                      But with my luck, it all I'm sure falls short
                             Nothing but self-consciousness
                                    Because I'm me, and I always fall short
                                          I don't like the feelings, they make me feel weak
                                   Vulnerable
                                                                         Scared
                                                     Scattered
         The facade may crumble, exposing broken pieces and failing parts
                                          Oh, how I wish it would