In my head you assure me
Although often who I am is blurry
You see me entirely clearly
I dream of that conversation
Where you say I'm under much observation
You recognize my devastation
And lack of adaptation
To a world that wasn't built for me
But in reality
You will never see my pain
Understand the future I tear myself apart to attain
How through it all, I want you to care
I resent you so much but regardless I still stare
Catching myself yearning for your eyes
Eyes that look past me
To more worthy things I cannot see

I'm attending a funeral
I see a grave but only the hole
I know bugs are crawling all over my soul
But I feel so ashamed, what to do?
I simply do not know
Corrupted by everything
Chasing meaning in the form of "goals"
Yearning to get out of my comfort zone
To be known
But nothing works so I'm trapped in fantasy
I need someone else to do the work for me
As its too much to even be alive
Telling myself lies constantly
To cut off my desire for death
So I don't go too early
The grave is for me, you see
And everyday I try to flee
But it's in front of me
And it threatens to pull me in
Snaking smoky arms out with a grin
To die a sinner
To live in scorn
To try to love
But fail and be love lorn
Lost in daydreams
Past memories
Wasting my time
In the grime of my world

In need of space i'm in a slump
Cleaning up the garbage, quenching the fire of the dump
I smear delicacy on a skin too familiar to coarse, salty tears
And tell the mirror to go to sleep, that rest will soothe its fears
I don't care to question if it deserves love
The answer lies in the future, determined up above
I fight for a future that continues to move
That shakes the red in an unstable groove
If I stumble all won't break
I dance atop the tightrope of fate
As I have seen the abyss, it knows me well
All too familiar is that alluring smell
I've grown to know better perfumes
I chase better things rather than the drama of threat or self sabotaging doom

My heart aches for change
But in my web of dullness im stuck just the same
I look for someone else to occupy the space of me
Ignoring my own responsibility
In favor of forgetfulness, self pity
I need to take a walk
Because the fresh air talks
It whistles "i love you"
As it caresses my cheeks
Making me cold but making me feel
I try to stimulate gratitude
It's all artificial like the self I refuse to give latitude
Fake is better when it's more real
Than the emptiness of everything I feel
I don't think i've been human for years
Maybe I was cursed from the moment I was reared
By parents who wanted their eldest to have company
Of someone who was funny
I was an accident who's hardly happy
But is not life made of disrupted repetitions
Are all characters bound to tradition
Of fickle meanings I think not
In the end of my nonsense I hope my words continue to talk

I hope you know, hidden in my formal banter
Is a love letter begging to be answered
But you don't know how your laughter affects me so

I thought we were alike
I thought that I could try
To creep a little closer
But I need my distance because when I'm older
I'll feel better and far more sober
About the fact I was a lover of your sillouette

I don't understand your language
I only feel hatred leaping off the page
But your gaze is so gentle
Even though it's not meant for me
It's a drug that could put an insomniac to sleep

I looked for you when it was weeks
Would trudge through the snowstorm,whiten my cheeks
I don't make you happy because you're free
To walk away at any time

So I guess I waste my breath
Nostalgic 'cause theres nothing left
For me to give you but this weight is hefty
I'd bear it all for you just like I always have

Amalgamation of missed information
I have to resist the temptation
To rename myself a "bad result of experimentation"
Is to love someone to control their mood?
To turn them upside down when you're feeling rude
I tried for weeks to be astute
But in just one minute you made it all a fluke
Can I get better please?
Heal from this illness, cure my disease
Due to my hysteria I would take any pill
To not let you affect me, get back my free will
Its painful to be alone
But I feel better when im not owned
Branded to be a slave to your polarity
Leaving my creativity
And all I love to your bad proclivities

I was in court talking with a lawyer who was analyzing my case
Sitting in the witness box, in my lap my hands were laid
I stood up after his reassurance
And proclaimed "your honor, theres been a mistake"
The judge said no mistake was made
Didnt I remember how the opening played out?
With no memory made
I stood in front of the audience
Without the truth, not even a promise
And to be honest, I woke up from the dream shivering