Empty pages waiting for a story
Green, green grass waiting to be cut
The smell of the rain brings you back
Traffic slows you down
Aggression holds your laughs

Roundabouts confuse you
The river calms your nerves
Your dog brings you comfort
Your first love brought you hurt

It was the kiss that slowed down time
The *** that kept you in
You remember drunk dancing
You can't finish what you begin

You remember holding hands
Being too in love to speak
You remember significant moments
But your insecurities keep you weak

I remember every moment of the summer that changed my life
I remember everything, my memories will never die

You are green.
Like my sorry.
I fill your buckets with ideas of promises,
but my worry breaks the illusion of the possibilities.

I am ocd.

I fear the worlds gift of breath and excitement.
I wont face the end of the tale.
I wish I were dreaming but its too hard to make it
just another thought in the back of my head.

My blood, scars and becomes infected
and wounds are left with no protection.

I want to heal.
But I am stuck behind a glass.
I am too far back.
Just go on without me.
I'll surrender eventually.

And I will be green like you,
too.

Sheets of shame, blankets of burdens
So many lies you tell to yourself
Quick to forgive- excuses, excuses
You are so holy, you don't need anyone's help
You need humility
I need validation
You're living someone eles dream
You need a glass of wine
I need an asprin
Not too many things are as it seem

Developed an apathetic view at the world, here today
When you drank copious amounts of alcohol, to erase the pain
You were fighting inner demons, trying to make the best
But at least you were brave enough to come face to face with yourself
You were defined by what you did, what you said and who you knew
They were seeing different colors, you were seeing different hues
You were craving change, trying to self improve
They were always looking down upon you
But you had the motivation to be someone more than they expected
You faced the challenges and changed your direction
But it's hard to gain back all of the confidence and all the trust
When you don't believe in coincidences or luck
And though your past might be tremendously haunted
You have to work hard for everything you ever wanted
Don't give up just because you can
Be someone extraordinary, who doesn't give a ****
Be the change in the world and be the one to prove
you can do anything that you choose

Broken, broken. Words I've spoken. Life I've chosen
agony.
Hungry, hungry. Don't you want me? Feed me here
helplessly.
Broken, hungry, hopeless me.
Tear me down, so viciously
Judge me here right on the street
then pass me by,  ignorantly
I'm hungry, cold, and hopeless
and you think it's all a choice.
You think I'd chose to do this
but it's my parents vice.
I ran away from them
I didn't think twice
For, he used me and abused me, and I had no where to run
but to these streets of hopelessness,
where I had freedom.

How could this be
the same mistake?
I thought I've changed,
But I'm still the same.
How could I fall?
I must be stupid
got no one around
to help me get through this
How could I
let down my guard?
I confused lust with love
now I'm falling apart
How could you lie
and tell me you love me?
Break my heart,
and take everything from me.
How could this be,
the same mistake?
I thought I learned
But nothing has changed.
How could I fall?
I must be blind-
a stupid girl, left for dead this time.
How could this be
The same mistake?
Maybe its time
to give up on love anyway.

Once something was.
Now nothing is.
Underneath the silence,
I knew what you really meant.
I feel you escaping, from my memory
like a distant dream I try so hard to remember
how happily everything was together.
When we still believed in forever.
How we tried, tried, tried to make it all fit-
but now we are only filled with somethings that we regret.
Are you scared?
Because I am,
just like you say you don't give a ****.
I feel your fears in my nightmares
When I'm talking to the moon.
When you're talking it at too.
Because we both know we are crazy
That's what everyone else said,
and now, now, now
I truly believe in it.
Two timing,
backstabbing,
pain wrenching truth.
I can't even remember when you last said I love you.
But I remember the night of the fall
the night we lost it all
engraved in my memory
left with ptsd
How horrible our ending ended
this is how you wanted to spend it?
Our priceless love and meaningless affection
covered in lies, without protection.
Emptiness fills this state of mind.
your only friend, is the hands of time.
oh but time,
time,
time...
isn't on my side.

I am not lonely anymore; I begin to profile in the mirror.
In a collage of interpretation I welcome my every imperfection.
Fear dies slowly, after living in the back of every thought.
I swallow the negativity and grasp the significance.

I rewind time. In simple seconds after guessing how much I'd hate to relive this again.
I can make the impossible happen in my sublime world.
With a push of a button, I can't be discouraged.
Frame by frame in my mind I go back to everything I already had.
To the days handed over so easily. But, those days are out of reach for me.

I recall when things were perfect, the things that I took for granted.
I ask is it all irreplaceable?
What are the odds like, and when do they give up?
Or is my brilliant passion a delusion?
Can my efforts be defined as enough?
I always ask too much, too soon.
I finally faced my fear only to find my faith abandoned by ideas that decayed.
I have learned my lesson. Maybe it is meant to be this way.


Will you lose consciousness and recollect the information after time?
Excuse me, I can too, read your mind.
Will you forgive me for confiding, like a child blinded by the innocence of common sense.
Somethings I wish to forget.
I accept responsibility, can you empathize with me?
If a penny were to please you I would give you plenty.  
I would give you my very last; even the shirt off my back.
I just wish I knew half as much as you.

Now is what I bring to you; today is all I have.
I hate to constantly be relieving my uneventful past.
Clever, rushed and unafraid.
Yet, my power is to leave your world complete.
Let me show you whirls of grace, through descriptive words I've grown to know inside and out.
Like magic and fairies and gratified lust, let me make you cry.
I will fracture silence and bring out the person you wish you could be.
I know I can not hurt you intentionally.
Take a step forward and masquerade the memories with music.
On the edge of the end of the rest of the world.
I will show you the beginning of this incomparable girl

I can't take your calls anymore
Something's just not right with your mind
I can't stand the way you try to control the things you can't help in your life
Because even when the skys are blue
Your still living in a tragedy
And even when its going good
Your still impossible to deal with
I wish you could see yourself
Take a good hard look
I wish you could just be yourself
Your trying to impress the world
But your just another mindless, failing robot
Circling the depths of nonsense and chaos
You're a product of the dogma that comsumes the currupted mind
One that stabs uncertainty with darkness instead of light
But somethings are not exactly what they seem
Sometimes I'm forced to drown in echoed ****** screams
And pretend to be somewhere else in this misery
I'll pretend you were only trying to protect me
As I wish upon another hopeless, dimming shooting star
Concentrate on anything else but this headache you make pound on my brain
If only magic exsisted
And I had it in me
To just fly out of this nightmare and into the sky
Would you leave me alone and stop calling
Because I can't take your phone calls anymore

If words described the feelings
that are trapped inside my soul
then the painting of my stomach acid
would express the debt I'm owed.

Shallow, unforgiving dysfunctional darkness
Lurking in the crossroads between good and evil
Standing there lost, impulsive but shamed
Striking a pose of glory and false strength
I felt his troubles and pain on a Sunday night a work at the bar
I felt his accidental slipping tires screech against the pavement
Only to find he didn't want me so he left me behind at the hospital
I tried to call
But I was weak so I text my condolences
As the girl in the background that he never spoke about held as hand as he got well, or better
I'm not sure if I was capable of that
That is why the last day I saw his face I was speechless
That is why he never got the answer he was looking for
And I never got the hope that I was dying for
I was scared of truth and love
And revealing my insanity to the innocent, perfect saints
I could never face myself
It took years of crying and self loathing entries in my diary
It took self destructive behavior and God's pure indulgence to guide me
Living in regret is the worst hell
Its damaging and twisted like the thoughts that fill my heart
When it once was enchantment and hopeful and bright
Not embracing my flaws left me stranded behind
Failing
Falling
Fueling
Fearing
Fragile
If only he knew the dysfunction and the tears
If only he knew that failure made me fearless now a days
If only I could go back to seeing that amazing day
If I had another chance

I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.
I am not a fortune teller.
All I know is what I have to look forward to
even though I'm completely broken right now.
everything was completely taken from me
I've been defeated more than once.
Took my pride, took my dignity
Took my things, and stole my life.
So many things I can replace
that's how I keep my chin up.
Maybe tomorrow will bring them to me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll have better luck.
So many things I have misplaced
but maybe tomorrow will give them back.
If I remember to look forward to
the only thing I really have...
and that's tomorrow.

Welcome to wonderland
where the truth is far from reach
it's a place full of magic sparkly dust
and tales of mysteries
It's in between heaven and dreaming,
deep inside your mind
It's what you want deep inside your heart
and what you wish for all the time
It's a place where you can turn
when you have no where to go
When life is complicated
and you feel so very low
It's a magic place
to escape
at any given instant
just close your eyes
and play pretend
you are in
heaven

Butterflies and a sky full of diamonds
The right words, I'm still trying to find them
A cool breeze lets me know that it's over
But I'm not over you

I wonder why it's so hard to move on
I wonder when it fell short and went wrong
A long day and a sad face to prove it
Proof enough that I loved you

You asked me once and never believed me
The truth came out you only deceived me
I tried my best but I had to give up
Because my best was never enough

I got high to shut down my feelings
Lost faith in God and believing
A sad soul lost in her dreams and
I'm not over you

It's so hard to face all this pain and
I don't know where I should begin
The last kiss is all I can think of
I'm not over you

Boy.
You're like an ice cream cone
I want to eat from head to toe.
You smile, I think it makes me weak
Your shyness has me at the knees
You're sweeter then sugar,
but you got be naughty.
I can tell that want it,
like the way I want your body.
You are looking so fly,
and yet you don't believe me.
Look me strait in the eye
and be too much of a good thing
I can see myself in trouble
But in a good way.
We could be almost be lovers
would you like to play?
I don't see a problem
Maybe lust has me blind.
Tell me all your secrets
And we'll be just fine.

12:23 in the morning.
Cold underneath my blankets
Some kind of deep day dreaming
Wide awake, fighting the sleep that I need
Desperately needing
Some kind of comfort
you can't give to me
So wrapped up in the would have been's.
Losing faith in could of been's.
Wishing that it really happened
so hard it hurts my stomach
and causes migraines so bad because I really want it.
Just like I want chocolate
Just like I want a hug.
Just like I want to forget
All that once was us
Suffering in the silence
of the coldness in the room
trying so **** hard
to forget, well-
You

My blood boils
Though I am not easily angered
I was taught to wear a poker face so outsiders could not look in
I do strive for excellence but with me nothing is a competition
I have learned to deal with petty things
And stay true to what I want
In the end I might be placed on a pedestal
But comparisons are sometimes wrong
I do enjoy a challenge and if you dare me, I will try
Not for the sake of validation
Because I don't want to run I want to fly
Who I was and where I'm at are always forever changing
But I don't want to make a mark for all of history,
I want to be the inspiration
I want to see the world smile
When everything is upside down
I want to keep it all together
When the sky comes crashing to the ground
I want the best of both worlds
And to keep my grass so green
I'm not looking for perfection
I'm still struggling to be heard and not just seen
So in this world of searching
I am here to unmask my own disguise
Because in the land of  pretty things
I can still see right through all my own lies
Because even though I'm working on it
And I have come so very far
Its still hard to swallow that one regret
......

Falling into the sadness of disappointment yet again
I can see the flags all rising turning deeper shades of red
I can hear the voices echo-- telling me to run, darling run
Protect yourself from the pain before you get too attached
I'm already there
I'm already scared
I was strong before and now I'm so unprepared
I never thought it through
Never thought you do these things to me

My man
is made
of armor
pure and strong
his lips are sweet
as sugar cane
to them
I do belong

Parallel to the walls of silence
Absent minded
Shallow hearts that bleed
Discontinued
As the weather's changing
Rearranging, muted subtleties
Voices tremble
Disassemble facts from fiction
Hear them?
Listen
Blinded by a shimmer
Hiding in the winter
Angry at my mother
Blaming someone other
Than myself,
Even when the war is over
Still I can't grab on to help
Holding on to madness,
Claiming there is hope
Giving second chances
For fear of being so alone
Maybe there is still a chance at life
Maybe you'll forgive me if I lie
Maybe if I had just one more night
You would understand the reasons why
I'm insane
So insane, it hurts

I believe in you
Even though the pitch dark sea is drowning everything.
I believe the words
You sang to me under the sheets last spring,
so poetically; I hung on to all of those dreams...
But yesterday finally came, and suddenly tomorrow is already here.
All I see are promises falling apart- around the kitchen table.
It's all to shameful.
What is left of you?
Is there nothing left to give??
All I can see are the excuses that you mopped me up with.
I can't embrace that shade of your heart,
so I thought it over,
so many times I lost count.
Lets just start over
it is the only thing that ever makes sense anymore.
I ask myself, "what the hell am I doing here still
Am I crazy is everyone as clueless as me?"
It's just me--
I don't know all the in-betweens.
But I wish I did.
Just like I know you wish you knew..
the thoughts that flicker behind my eyelids-
if you only knew..
I've always hated being in the dark

It's something invisable that I'm attracted to
That lies in the sparkle that shines all around you
Some kind of wonderful, magnetic magic force
That brings me closer to you and your wide eyed open door
Something innocent that keeps me so allured
Glorious and brilliant that has my heart cured
Wont you tell me what it is about you
That keeps me glued

Softly whisper,
a kiss
under the moon and the starlit sky.
Heaven, up above
beyond the trees,
waiting desperately.
Dancing in the rain
when you have nothing to do
but to look forward to the unknown,
waiting for you.
Singing secrets
to the man on the moon
hoping,
wishing,
praying
he is listening to you.

I wanted to scream silence
And hurt you with my piercing eyes
Because I knew you knew
You could read my mind
Or you were suppose to anyhow
By this time our inner clocks are perfectly syncronized as one
Or so I thought
And so I raged, impulsive and hormonal
Once again
I never thought you'd insult me or define me like the others
Or so you promised when you said--
I love you
Or did you forget I love you
Even when I'm moody

The past is catching up to me.
I'm living in my head again.
I'm trying to forget it
but it's all you left me with.

I'm trying to move on from you
I'm trying to be happy too
but its so hard to escape the truth
Because it's all you left me with.

I wonder how your doing still
I try to fight it with all my will
But I can't forget the happy times
Because it's all you left me with.

I seem to be out of my mind
for loving all the painful times
but it's easy to remember you
Because it's all you left me with.

Putting others down is not empowering
If it makes you feel better about yourself, go ahead
Look in the mirror at your flat nose and big ego
and try to tell me your perfect
Try to tell me you're not a narcissist
Try to tell me you're better than me
When your living up to others expectations
While I do not compare myself to you
You think being brutally honest is a good quality
When I'd rather be compassionate and sensitive
I don't live a double life
What you see is what you get
But even with your cruel words that you debase me with
I still have the courage to take it in
I don't get mad or get even
I wait for your rain cloud to appear
And when it does
I will smile
Because karma is only a ***** if you are

Songs playing in the background
of a cold winters day
Fog clouds up the air, in the most depressing way
I'm sitting on the inside
and that's where I'll stay.
To depressed to move,
wish the pain would go away.
I remember what he told me
this time last year.
we were meant to be together
I swore he was sincere.
He broke promises
as I shed tears.
I guess this whole time I knew
what I really feared.
This game
My shame
his hearts not tamed.
Someone please save
me.
I want a new love to forget
everything he ever said.
I want a new lover in my bed
to cover up these tears I shed.
I want a new lover
but now is not the time.
because I hold these secrets,
and I know that love is blind.
I want a new lover
to put all this behind.
I want something to be all of mine.

I almost gave up today
After years of being torn apart
Words that strangled my confidence
From the ones I loved the most
All this built up anger bleeds from my pit of my stomach
Bruising my heart
Scraping my knees
Eating me alive
Tension
Fear
Resentment
Pride
Psychotic mutilation meltdown
Help me
I want to give up

I guess maybe you were convenant?
But every emotion I felt was honest.
But I guess you really had me going, I dont know maybe I'm just easy.
I should of never let you close enough to even reach my heart and shatter it.
I never want the chance to fix the stitches, mend the glitches.
You know **** happens and time passes
but I want to forget this feeling because I dont like it.
And you dont deserve another oppurtunity.
All my anger must come from hurt.
Why did we bother, if you knew it would never work?
Call me crazy but see the human in me.
How do I change the way I feel when it's so **** real?
Believe me if I could, I would have by now.
I dont know why you did it.
I'll never figure it out
I guess I was wrong about you.

How can I forgive myself?
I let me down and I can't get up
No matter what the world thinks,
The thoughts I have keep me wide awake
How can I accept myself?
I let me down and I can never heal
There are parts of me that hate myself
No matter how much the sun shines
I'll be forever moody
I can not help myself
I tried so hard but I can't get up
No matter the joy that I bring myself
There is always disappointment settling
These scars I wear remind me of myself
The things I've done and can't take back
How do I admit to myself
There is so much more to look forward to
I don't think ahead
What I'm feeling is depressed
I can't escape the thoughts
What I'm feeling is disgust
I want it all,
But can't make it
I've fallen and I'm shaken
I want it back
But I can't go there
I'm all alone and broken
I had it all
And now I'm empty
Suppressed with all regrets
I want it back
What I would do if I could
Have it all back


There are moments when I want to disappear

Words that he clung to like confetti in the air,
Ups and downs, and truths or dares.
Strangers gossiping without a care.
Jealous much? You can't compare.

He says
"Look me in the eye and tell me
What it is I need to know."
Excused wrapped in lies
Tied with pretty bows.

He's lost in translation,
lost in love.
Has no where to turn
He's run out of luck.

He's standing next to nothing.
And losing his mind.
But he's better off
if he leaves the lies behind.

But everybody knows love is blind
He is nothing special, of the kind.
Infatuated just as much
as anybody else was once.

So leave it all
and walk away.
Little white lies
are too much pain.

Seeking perfection in the midst of your doom
Nobody recognizes you
You close your eyes to see what you've started
But you're invisible
You feel like you are drowning and grasping for air
But nobody is helpful
You want to give up
But you are still alive
And only God knows the reason why
So you hold it in, bottle it up
And give it another try

How many days have you felt like this?
How many nights have you felt like ****?
How many times have you called it quits?
How many days have you felt like this?

Yearning for freedom
Having no luck, not finding any glory
You are miserable
Nobody trust you anymore
Your brain waves are crashing
As everyone is laughing
And there is no escape
You're begging to sleep, but you're staying awake
Maybe tomorrow
There will be a refuge
But there is no guarantee
So buckle your seat belt
Prepare for the worst
And let everything that is, be

I fall apart every now and then
Crumble down into shells of mix matched pieces
It's like the rain clouds follow me
Every right I take, I should of gone left
It's hard to face so many mixed emotions
The waves of guilt are always crashing in
Living up to people's expectations
I lose my way
Side track on little interruptions
Too many thoughts to process all at once
Temptation dangles right in front of my face
One mistake sends me back to rehab
But the reasoning is overlooked
I'm a shell, when I could of been a pearl
A dim light drowning in a sea of dust
Negativity echoing in my eardrums
But I find a way to believe
So much pressure dancing on my shoulders
And as I pray I scraped my knees
Put a smile on and breathe in deep
And to think it's just the beginning of a mountian with never ending hills
So I'll use my compass to guide me back

Passive aggressive
I may have been partially protected
In denial and defensive
Unsure that I meant this, but I remain optimistic
Because I can't take back that awful thing I just said;
But we both know, I only meant half of what I did
Half of what I did was an accident
I can hear your screams echoing
Raging machine, blood boiling
Under my veins I never contain my inner rage either
Not very well, anyhow
No, I'm not very well at all
But you love me
Anyhow
Anyhow? Any time, any place you've agreed
Dear boy you are patient to have been in love with me

Hold on, to your horses boys
I'm trying to make my mind up
I've been played so many times before
In this game of love or luck
And the knife hurts when you draw blood
I might be tough, but not much
let you touch me, it's a rush
Let you hold me, it's enough
If you hurt me, I'll show you
What it feels like to be lower
than life

Make me feel pretty but don't tell me a lie. Prove it by your actions, boy.
You wrote me a poem, but now do what you need- to keep me around, please.
Take me to the movies, take me on date, start up the fire if you believe in fate.
Hold me in your arms, show me the world or what you can make of it, if I was your girl.
Make me feel special, I'd do the same- if only you knew I'm not playing games.
Show me your insides, feelings and all- don't be a mannequin building a wall.
Tell me the words, I want to hear. Don't let this moment disappear.
Boy, I'll tell you something, don't laugh at the truth. I already know what I'd do for you.

Like spiders crawling underneath my skin
An unbearable sensation revealing all my deepest sin
A heavy load filled with buckets of regret
Too many sleepless nights
Too many burdens to confess
I pray to something I can not see
A force so strong it pulls me down like gravity
I wished on stars
And crossed my hopeless fingers
Held resentments with false forgiveness
And left my soul in the dusk of soiled solutions
Stuck in dilemas diagnosed with purfumes of pollution
Too many problems I'm left to conquer
All alone I'm left to suffer
Here I am but I'm no where to be found
Racing down a sidewalk on the verge of breaking down

I imagined karma to be more graceful like a bubble bath cleansing my misfortunes
I imagined fate to be more encouraging but every corner I turn I always hit a stop sign
I meet some people with a lot of contradictions
but in the mirror I'm masked under fears of failed attempts
I guess you could say I put on a front
But the stern looks and the cold heart have been chiseled away by the monsters of reality
I was kind long ago and willing to listen
I was free and forgiving and happy and such
I was taken from the light into the darkness and the strangers I've met sometimes understood me
We were bonded by pain and fears that we silenced
But with one look we knew, and we sometimes just laughed
I hated the fear of rejection and judgement
But I found myself bitter becoming someone I tried so hard to not become
I was on top of the world one day and falling deep in a pit below a corpse in the ground
I was cold but not from winter and faking the glory
And the strangers would listen and always disappear
I felt like a grain of sand on beach far a way
One that got stepped on and left in a picture
One that never turned into a pearl
I felt alone in a room full of people and jokers and hipsters and success
At the bottom a fish bowl empty and useless
But the strangers I've met, kept me telling my story
Kept me hoping for glory and redemption and joy
I wish I could of done more for them

In my eyes love does not exist
I tried it once or twice before but it's not on my wish list
I got bruises and scars to prove I can take a beating
I'm not your average girl, my beauty is truly deceiving
What I learned from love was, you better put up one hell of a fight
You better say the right answer or your *** is getting beat at night
I never got the flowers a boys supposed to send
I never got the love I needed from a boyfriend
I never got a jewelry box scripted with a love message
I missed out on all that attention
But what I do have is more than money could pay
I got a new chance at life; a brand new day
I got the courage to stand up and take them down
I got the strength to fight back, now my karma is coming around
I have the wisdom to know what I didn't before
I have the faith in the mystery of whats behind closed doors
I may not believe in the magic of love
But I believe in angles and the man up above

Your distant, but we almost touch
Lost lovers, once inseparable
The silence is louder than hell
A phantom in itself

We're liars, to afraid to speak
Of the burdens that we had to seek
I can not find the strength in me
To break the heart that once was everything

But I forget
What I regret
I never said
What I meant

I meant to say,
I'm sorry,
but its better off this way
Don't worry

I'm paying for it somehow;
Freedom's just another word for missing you

Change,
Don't be subtle like the cold breath of wind that is yesterday's memory
Start as soon as last nights moon becomes this morning's sunrise
History is in the making
The rest of the world is waiting for you
Love is the movement
These circumstances we are faced with will dissipate
And you will overcome your biggest fear
and this glorious day will become
Extraordinary
I do not imagine my strength, I believe it
I control you
with the blink of an eye
and for one instant I feel
Powerful
I am shameless
Still I feel heartless, judged, and incapable
I have seen, how cowards judge the rest of the world
But I can swallow my weakness whole
I can bury my insecurities
Close my eyes and get closer to the happiness that was destroyed
And the visions that pour from my imagination become pixels of reality
And suddenly life is worth living

I've been turned on to a completely different perspective
plus I'm counting all my blessings
But **** all those who criticized me during my struggle
I wish I could confide in people
I never meant to hurt anyone, I confess
I only wanted to find myself
never meant to make such a mess
But I put myself through God's biggest test
And I guess
I'm doing just fine
I might have lost my mind
didn't do anything right
for a minute, but I picked myself back up
and I'm here to win it
It's an adrenaline rush
as I wash
all that I ****** up
I'm praying for luck
But I don't believe in it
I got to work hard for what I get
I admit
I wish you would just believe in me
Give me a little bit of encouraging
Tell me to go strait for my dreams
But it seems
you already know what you want for me
But that's not the way I want to succeed
I got a different plan apparently
But I don't care
it's just not fair
to be in my hair
the signs are everywhere
I got to do what I want, do what I need
and who cares who believes in me?
I'll prove everyone wrong eventually
And I'll be who I'm meant to be
I don't need pre-approval
I'm proud of myself, proud of who I've become
everything I've done
Plus I know everything that I don't want
I've only begun
to get what I want,
I wont stop until I'm number one
and it feels good to have a new direction
I got my faith, it's my protection
Lost my man, my only affection
I got no need to seek any attention
I've faced all of my convictions
I found my head and gave up my addictions
All at once
But that's the cost
for a new adrenaline rush
I sit back and watch
myself grow all up
And admit I'm only human
I'll admit life's a bit too confusing
But I'm refusing to keep on losing
Anymore things that I love
Yes, I already messed everything up
But wait and just give me a little more time
I'm running behind,
but I'll be fine
I'm not stupid or blind
Just watch me now is my turn to shine

She was wasting her time.
On a boy who didn't give a ****.
A boy who only held her hand, just to use her.
She was so in love,
and it was supposed to be so beautiful
but everybody else stepped in to warn her
she was innocent in all their eyes,  
they said, don't let him use you.
But all the help, she did forget,
because abuse is something you never want to get use to.

Nothing makes sense when everyone seems to be against you.
And nobody's help makes sense because a boy only distracts you.
And nothing makes sense when you want it all to work
Then again, reality only sets in
after you get hurt.
Why are we all so
Naive and brilliant...
When we are younger?
Why do we fall,
if  we could of just listened to our mother

We are naive and brilliantly stupid in love
Of course we think we know it all when we are 18.
We like to think we'll never fall until we lose everything.
But that's what you get for being naive and brilliantly stupid in love

He was wasting her time
By lying to an angel.
she was so innocent once before,
But then he broke her smile.
But no one wants to help her now that he is gone.
That stupid girl honestly believed he was the one.

But nothing makes sense, because everybody's advice is stupid.
Nothing makes sense because their love is special confuseing.
And nothing makes sense when you're only listening to your heart.
But nothing will make sense because love is not supposed to fall apart.
And even when you want it all to work...
nothing makes sense until you get hurt.
Why are we all so
Naive and brilliant...
When we are younger?
Why do we fall,
if we could have listened to our mother

We are naive and brilliantly stupid in love

Of course we think we know it all when we are 18.
We like to think we'll never fall until we lose everything.
But that's what you get for being naive and brilliantly stupid in love

and  of course nobody else knows a single thingShe's the only one who'se ever been 18
she's the only special one, who knows exactly how to solve everything.
So leave her all alone to make her mistakes.
She's never going to listen to our advice anyway.
because of course you know she'll never give it up.
Being stubborn is part of being stupid  in love.

We blanket our fears with silly defense mechanisms to shelter any shame we carry
From every angle we stand we are judged at first sight
We pretend we aren't critics but we are hypocrites everyday
As we seek the forgiveness we can't give in return
We make promises and sugar coat little white lies
As we defensively reassure the world we are mistunderstoond and unique
The truth is our narcissim reeks like bad perfume suffocating everyone around us
As we stand tall for whatever it is we believe in
It's just denial
Because inside we are tormented with insecurities and charachter defects
Inside our stomachs are fluttering with anxiety and secrets too painful to remember
Inside we are incarcerated with a plethora of misguided ghosts screaming for an escape
Inside bombs are bursting out gunshots and out hearts have bullet wounds to prove it
Our viles of happiness are never satisfied
We are always seeking more
But we are never sure what we are looking for
Some sort of accomplishment or recognition
Maybe validation
A sign that we are still breathing with a euphoria seeping out our pores into the air
A sign of greatness
Maybe we want that picture perfect dream that we fantasize about until we reassure ourselves we are lunatics for wishing
We feel debased because our choices keep the odds against us
We are incapable of managing our own lives
And maybe nothing will restore our piece of mind
It's insanity--our thoughts
I think its called delusional
Because in reality nothing goes as expected
We had learned to cope with self medication
Because all the doctors were wrong
Something had to fill our voids in our hearts
Something had to stop the brain from processing emotions
We chased after something invisible
A force that spiriled our lives down into the ground
We ran away like little children afraid of the dark
Because we thought the pain would be like daggers through our hearts
Stabbing us over and over again until we died from sufferance
The pain was too frightening to look directly in the eye
If it were easy or if there was a simplier way of figuring it out we wouldn't have wasted so many years battling the addiction that wears a shield of armor
If it were easy the grass would be green and we'd never have to water it
If it were easy we wouldn't be so sensitive to triggers and flashbacks
It's not easy
It is World War 3 every single day
There is a chip on our shoulder and a devil on the other jumping up and down eager to break us
He is whispering temptations;
Seducing us with our vices, pushing us to collapse like an avolance until we overdose
He is waiting patiently and constantly because he knows us so well
We were weak for so long and he is hungry for our failures
He wants us to throw our hands up and call it quits
And the worst part is just when we think we've won it gets worse
And we are forced to stand in the mirror and detect every flaw of imperfection we wish to erase
And then it comes back all our defense mechanisms
The way we present ourselves to the big whole wide world
Biting our lip in sufference
Haunted by a past of turmoil and depression
It is hard to communicate to those who don't understand our demons
We are looked down upon and there is another stupid burden to carry
Because everything adds up and we get tired of all the negative
We get stomped on and spit on and drug through hell
But then something clicks
And we look around the room and we realize we are not alone
We are brave, strong and somehow still alive
And there is a person to your left an another to your right starring right through you
But all you can do is hand over the keys to your self destructive behavior and pray that help is on the way
Because we are addicts batteling the same devils in different levels of the game
Because we were dealt with a bad hand
But we played with what we had
And suddenly everything was ok when we walked into the doors to our recovery
and said
Hello, I am an addict

She has a big heart
And when she smiles I know
All the reasons that I'm alive
Without her I'd never grow
Without her I feel lost,
and sometimes I'm afraid
I need to see her darling face
Just to make my day
She sparkles when she dances
Her eyes light up a room
Her kisses make my heart melt
And I live for her "I love yous"
She has the key to my heart
When there's nothing more to give
I just want to see her happy
She's the reason that I live

Teach me to swing dance
I'll teach you how to be responsible
You can teach me another language
And I'll show you how to be so comfortable
Because sometimes we're self destructive and unaware of all the damages we've done
Sometimes we have to lighten up and learn a different way to overcome
You can teach me science
And I will show you truth
You can learn about stand up
And you can force me to watch the news
I will bake you cupcakes
You can make fondue
We'll get you high on caffeine
You can show me the right way to stir a rue
Because sometimes our subtitles can be our biggest strengths
And sometimes our past times are the inspirations we create

New boy.
New charm.
New game, new arm.
New chase.
New dream.
A brand new me.
New love.
New lust
New future
New trust
New happiness
New karma
New promises
New drama
New things
New steps
New plans
New mess
New crowd
New everything starting now.

****.
I'm sad.
Allowing myself to get walked on.
Such lack of respect and not enough faith and too many bad things to compare it with.
There is no hope for me and togetherness.
It is all a mythical plot and vivid imagination circling my ever changing mind.
I cried about that too.
I cried myself to sleep wondering why, and what and how should it be?
Or can I ever get this right?
I'm a goose trying to be swan.
A kitten thinking I'm a tiger.
I'm alone, once again...here talking to myself in riddles and metaphors.
Such nonsense.
Can I ever just be...normal.
I feel like an alien.
Out of place, misunderstood, taken for granted,
with all the bad karma that ever existed.
And nobody here to share it with.

I went under the rainbows and through the rainstorms on a little pink cloud of hope
Everyone kept telling me it was useless and hopeless and such a big waste of time
But I followed my heart and bled on my blankets and even cried myself to sleep now and then
Crossing my fingers that something would happen and this wasn't just another mistake
I might have be wrong, now that I think of it
I might have been stupid for trying to reason with the unreasonable
I might have had false hope and impossible faith
But chasing after the magic of uncertainty was all part of the journey
I was innocent and a little niave at times
But there was something that kept me fascinated
I think it was the magnatude of self pity and lust
But after all this time, I still have no regrets
Some days I want to ask why and what happened?
But I'll never have closure I truly deserve
I guess thats part of the lessoned learned;
When you live for your love and your love does you wrong
When you keep on convincing yourself that its right
When you keep on swallowing your pride in the mirror
And you pretend like its perfect when its all such a disaster
I still can't be jaded when I'm a hopeless romantic in the heat of the night
When a stranger is a temptation and its difficult to keep at a comfortable distance
Because even though my ego was burnt and my heart hurt like hell
I still love with my soul and lead with my head
And not everyone's kindness is meant to wasted
And one day I'll be loved in return
And that love is worth all the burdens I carry
And one day, is getting closer by the minute

I wanted a knight and shinning armor
But I learned quickly I had to be my own
I never had just one person to rely on
So I had resentments and misconceptions that begun
I wanted a shooting star to fall from heaven
Maybe erase my debts and punishments
I wanted more than anything to be a champion
But all that wishing left me lonely and indifferent
I wanted peace and forgiveness to come easy
And never ending dreams of fame
I wanted all the fortune and the glory
But I wasn't willing to work the game
If only I could put aside the bitter taste left behind
Maybe I could smile and pick the flowers in my mind
Instead of taking it out on anyone who's in my way
Maybe one day
I wanted a phenomenon to come along
And sweep me up right off my feet
I wanted a soldier with a solar touch
To keep me dancing to the beat
I wanted it all but all I have is one day
Maybe one day
Maybe
one day