I'm so alone now in this shelter as a cocoon
Empty and unholy
Insecure and maybe moody
I'm so unafraid now I've turned my guilt into a blaze
As I rage against the enemies I create
Its the path of freedom in this miserable escape towards happiness

I wasn't particular about the things that I expected from you
Just obvious with the what and when and where and how but never with the why
I knew the secret rules of boundaries and respect
Silence is a way to watch it all or twist it all, or hide it all
Silence was the one time you fell apart when all the other times you weren't too far from Hercules
I am angry with you, patient with you
I can't lose sleep over it
I'll just cry in terror
You can just sit there careless
I guess its times like these when you realize the things you want
And the things you don't

I'm unhappy
At this  very instant
But even most days I can muscle up the energy
I can focus on whats right and whats now and what can be
You can sit there drown in your solitude
because if you can't let it out and you won't let me in
Eventually the guilt from your kisses will be swallowed in acid
And the reaction of which will eat you alive

We blanket our fears with silly defense mechanisms to shelter any shame we carry
From every angle we stand we are judged at first sight
We pretend we aren't critics but we are hypocrites everyday
As we seek the forgiveness we can't give in return
We make promises and sugar coat little white lies
As we defensively reassure the world we are mistunderstoond and unique
The truth is our narcissim reeks like bad perfume suffocating everyone around us
As we stand tall for whatever it is we believe in
It's just denial
Because inside we are tormented with insecurities and charachter defects
Inside our stomachs are fluttering with anxiety and secrets too painful to remember
Inside we are incarcerated with a plethora of misguided ghosts screaming for an escape
Inside bombs are bursting out gunshots and out hearts have bullet wounds to prove it
Our viles of happiness are never satisfied
We are always seeking more
But we are never sure what we are looking for
Some sort of accomplishment or recognition
Maybe validation
A sign that we are still breathing with a euphoria seeping out our pores into the air
A sign of greatness
Maybe we want that picture perfect dream that we fantasize about until we reassure ourselves we are lunatics for wishing
We feel debased because our choices keep the odds against us
We are incapable of managing our own lives
And maybe nothing will restore our piece of mind
It's insanity--our thoughts
I think its called delusional
Because in reality nothing goes as expected
We had learned to cope with self medication
Because all the doctors were wrong
Something had to fill our voids in our hearts
Something had to stop the brain from processing emotions
We chased after something invisible
A force that spiriled our lives down into the ground
We ran away like little children afraid of the dark
Because we thought the pain would be like daggers through our hearts
Stabbing us over and over again until we died from sufferance
The pain was too frightening to look directly in the eye
If it were easy or if there was a simplier way of figuring it out we wouldn't have wasted so many years battling the addiction that wears a shield of armor
If it were easy the grass would be green and we'd never have to water it
If it were easy we wouldn't be so sensitive to triggers and flashbacks
It's not easy
It is World War 3 every single day
There is a chip on our shoulder and a devil on the other jumping up and down eager to break us
He is whispering temptations;
Seducing us with our vices, pushing us to collapse like an avolance until we overdose
He is waiting patiently and constantly because he knows us so well
We were weak for so long and he is hungry for our failures
He wants us to throw our hands up and call it quits
And the worst part is just when we think we've won it gets worse
And we are forced to stand in the mirror and detect every flaw of imperfection we wish to erase
And then it comes back all our defense mechanisms
The way we present ourselves to the big whole wide world
Biting our lip in sufference
Haunted by a past of turmoil and depression
It is hard to communicate to those who don't understand our demons
We are looked down upon and there is another stupid burden to carry
Because everything adds up and we get tired of all the negative
We get stomped on and spit on and drug through hell
But then something clicks
And we look around the room and we realize we are not alone
We are brave, strong and somehow still alive
And there is a person to your left an another to your right starring right through you
But all you can do is hand over the keys to your self destructive behavior and pray that help is on the way
Because we are addicts batteling the same devils in different levels of the game
Because we were dealt with a bad hand
But we played with what we had
And suddenly everything was ok when we walked into the doors to our recovery
and said
Hello, I am an addict

You don't even know how to open up your heart to me
You wont even let me in for a little peak
I want touch but I'm not good enough
Boy why you acting so ******* tough?
You don't even know how good my love is yet
Boy when you come over you will not forget
All my loving might be for free
if you spend your money all upon me
I don't want a dollar I just want a little taste
If you let me love you, you might find your fate
So let me inside your head
open up your heart and let me in bed
I don't wanna fight you I don't even bite
I don't want to try to let you out of sight
I don't want a problem I'm not here to hurt
I just want to be part of your world
Boy you have the answers, saying that love is blind
Look up at the clock you're wasting so much time
Give it a chance, try to get to know me
See what we have, might be all that you need
I don't have the answers, tell you the truth
But I swear your love will never be abused
Don't look away, try to open up
Give me some that, bad boy kind of love
Tell me all your secrets, tell you some of mine
California love is one of a kind
I don't want to scare you truth or dare
I don't want to play you games ain't fair
Give me a chance, open this book up
Boy this is more than just another hook up
Open your heart, I'll let you see
Just how wonderful Cali love can be

Sapphire sky
You blessed my night
I thought of every thought that ever crossed my life
Sapphire sky
Don't leave me like everyone else
Be my reminder that I can face it all
All is nothing compared to tomorrow
Sapphire sky
Introduce me to myself
I no longer want to dwell on my inner stranger
The longer I wait--
Erases perfectly good yesterdays
Sapphire sky
Move me along to a path of simplicity
The complications of life are merely plastic surgery
Sapphire sky
You blessed my life

Putting others down is not empowering
If it makes you feel better about yourself, go ahead
Look in the mirror at your flat nose and big ego
and try to tell me your perfect
Try to tell me you're not a narcissist
Try to tell me you're better than me
When your living up to others expectations
While I do not compare myself to you
You think being brutally honest is a good quality
When I'd rather be compassionate and sensitive
I don't live a double life
What you see is what you get
But even with your cruel words that you debase me with
I still have the courage to take it in
I don't get mad or get even
I wait for your rain cloud to appear
And when it does
I will smile
Because karma is only a ***** if you are

Lifted.
By the gift of your soul.
I will surrender, ever after with no resilience.
Fidget in disbelief.
Let the pictures relapse, to recall where this started.
in some safe haven under your spell.
Drifted.
By the scent of something else to make me forget.
Something far too toxic to describe.
Yet it is in dreams we dare to keep the monsters alive.
Sheltered.
By the demons of feeling sorry
I will surrender, ever after with no resilience.
Fidget in disbelief
Let the pictures relapse, and recall where this started.
in some safe haven under your spell.

Free falling; gone in an instant-- blink of an eyelash faster than lightning, flashing like brilliance
Drilling holes into the psyche
Astronomical; impeccable aim
Breathtaking colors with patterns like kaleidoscopes the creativity blows the mind
It's the morphine you can take without overdosing in pain and numbness
It's the chase you can't escape if you wanted to but you won't even try
It's the height of ecstasy and the awe of gratification
Its pure and magnetizing invigoration
When you prove what you set out to prove
When you give it all, you have everything to lose

The negative chatter fills the gaps of endurance and credence
The silence of the aftermath, leaves a clear distinctive taste
All the critics and the villains siphon air so you lose the ability to breathe
There is a glimmer, a tiny microorganism still standing on two feet pushing forward
Moving slow
Falling sideways
All, all alone
Glowing, fueling, bursting...flooding roadblocks, causing traffic
All the commotion is seeding havoc
Like an artist left unknown...you will grow
Flow and flower into a masterpiece

And the free fall secures you high amongst the nebula
There is no more spiraling downwards there is only a tiger lurking, always ready to pounce
On their victims, on the goals you've set ahead
Like a real winner always does, you finish first
because you did your very best
You're a tiger and you just earned you your stripes
So leave the amateurs on their soap box discombobulated
You're resilient, even savvy
You're a vision to be reckoned with

Here you are
Your shadowed silhouette in the door
A frame I did forget once before
But you have a haunting way about you
A charming kind of way about you
With a heartless kind of evil crooked smile
The things I had to learn over time
But I memorized your face as it kissed mine
I recall just how sweet you taste divine
These things I wish I could erase
Your lust did make me fall from grace
Because you have a haunting way about you
A clever kind of trick about you
You had me hypnotized for nearly years
You somehow blistered me with flooding tears
I gave into your disillusion
Ran right back to your abusing
Because you have a haunting way about you
A seductive sinful way about you
These thing I had to learn over time
But I somehow miss the days when you were mine

Teach me to swing dance
I'll teach you how to be responsible
You can teach me another language
And I'll show you how to be so comfortable
Because sometimes we're self destructive and unaware of all the damages we've done
Sometimes we have to lighten up and learn a different way to overcome
You can teach me science
And I will show you truth
You can learn about stand up
And you can force me to watch the news
I will bake you cupcakes
You can make fondue
We'll get you high on caffeine
You can show me the right way to stir a rue
Because sometimes our subtitles can be our biggest strengths
And sometimes our past times are the inspirations we create

Once something was.
Now nothing is.
Underneath the silence,
I knew what you really meant.
I feel you escaping, from my memory
like a distant dream I try so hard to remember
how happily everything was together.
When we still believed in forever.
How we tried, tried, tried to make it all fit-
but now we are only filled with somethings that we regret.
Are you scared?
Because I am,
just like you say you don't give a ****.
I feel your fears in my nightmares
When I'm talking to the moon.
When you're talking it at too.
Because we both know we are crazy
That's what everyone else said,
and now, now, now
I truly believe in it.
Two timing,
backstabbing,
pain wrenching truth.
I can't even remember when you last said I love you.
But I remember the night of the fall
the night we lost it all
engraved in my memory
left with ptsd
How horrible our ending ended
this is how you wanted to spend it?
Our priceless love and meaningless affection
covered in lies, without protection.
Emptiness fills this state of mind.
your only friend, is the hands of time.
oh but time,
time,
time...
isn't on my side.

Come away with me to a perfect place,
it might be a dream, but its not insane.
Run away with me, to a magic land
You wont be alone, if you take my hand.
Don’t you be afraid, to run away with me
You won’t lose you mind, Breathe the scenery.
Come on take my hand, to this magic place.
Don’t you worry about being too afraid.
I’ve got it figured out, if you believe in me.
If you accept your fate, and live your destiny.
Don’t you worry about, what you might win or lose
think of what you’ll gain, if it’s me you chose.
Run away with me, to a secret place
it’s a fairy tale, it’s a sweet escape.
Come on take a chance, and don’t you dare look back
We don’t need to know, I don’t follow maps.
Come away with me, to a lovely place.
Where the grass is green, life’s at a different pace
Give up all your fears, let me inside your mind
There is nothing here, so leave it all behind
Live your destiny, and control your fate.
Run away with me to a magic place.

I watch the world from a mari-go-round twirling in circles twiddling my thumbs
Falling from the piercing thunders in the sky full of lust and deception
Silence was the enemy
My ADHD can't deny the boredom of the same old routine hindering my existence
Am I worthless?
The shallow waters awaken my dream of rainforests and other pleasant things
And reality is in the forecast with partly cloudy skies
If only it were night forever than I could be most anything
My imagination takes me further then any aircraft ever could
So I dare the challenge of the never-ending; if forever could bare the soul
I would be proof of history when I do conquer the world
Defeat is not an option
If superman existed, he would win and so can I and so can you
I do know dreams come true
There are Oscars and gold medals and soldiers overcoming death
There are angels and saints saving us from ourselves
There are wars and heroes and bad guys as well
The devil does exist but God sees them as angels who fell
I believe there is glory and freedom and peace
It mustn't just be in my head full of dreams
I will show you there is evidence if the good in the world
When your vulnerable and naive there is  more than meets the eye
There are things out there you are meant to triumph if you put your best foot first
And the circles in your creating will align and amount to you, in the perfect sense of harmony in a cold and grey and cynical universe
There is yellow, there is blue there is gold but we are red
But the colors you attract to are not affirmation
You are priceless, immeasurable and incomparable even so
A savage in the heat of battle, simmering to boil
You're a warrior with the rest of them, with a stunning biography
You are destined to create glory sublime in the phenomenon of impulse and heart
Constructing immaculate stories to fill the pages of a book
We are gifts from above,
This can't all be in my head

The serpent speaks words which are undeserving fables of hurtful intentions raging within her
I took a deep breath in an instead of a push back, my kindness was sweetness aching her teeth
Her sugar rush of confusion relayed a headache and her fangs and her poison took a step back
I gleamed with a smile of trust and amazement
As pure kindness does **** an old heated heart
I can't blame her or shun her for her bitter ways
I can only lead in example in style with grace
Because a serpent is tantrum of an entitled stranger
Or maybe a wounded solider battling herself yet to heal from a dysfunctional heart
And I am a lady regardless of such things I've done in my past or can't admit to the world
A master of disguise with innocence behind me
A pyramid that stands after storms and abuse
I've known no avalanche to strike or defeat me
Only negatives that lingered to help me develop
I've known no artist to win in an instance
Or a luck so clever to keep running back to
I've only known that terror and darkness and hatred are cured by the kindness from the wise ones
And coincidence is more than some kind of echo
It is purpose we seek and sometimes we question
But the truth is our purpose is to blossom like wildflowers
And even flowers need help from rain drops to flourish
And sunshine to liven that inconsistent rain
So be the sunshine or you might end u a serpent
Praying on kindness only to **** you in the end

No connection
A lost soul with no direction
Living on cheap words and compliments
Might as well be working on a empty stomach
I am ready for a challenge
Something that brings me hope that doesn't silence me so
Can you be there
I asked you why you are never here
You might as well be 15,000 miles in drowning sea
an epitome of what is to have a broken masterpeice
I had you wishing one day, that was long ago
Now you have me digging at a slow pace with a choke hold
I remember like it was yesterday
You remember me drunk on cheap champagne
Is it everything I thought it ever was?
Was it everything you thought it would be?
Its not like anything I ever hoped for
But it's all of everything you could ever want
You wanted half and half
I wanted whole milk
You like to drink it stiff
I like it kind of sweet
You prefer it kind of cold
And I like mine warm
At comfortable pace
But its us that is misplaced....
They say opposites attract.
I'd like to prove them wrong

I'm not heartless or jaded or broken
Though I have been rejected a few times before
I'm still complex but I'm working on it
And all that matters is not what I've done, but what I'm doing to be better than yesterday
I'm not exactly where I wish to be just yet
I am still sensitive and protective and I admit I have doubts
I don't say sorry as much as I should, but I have my way of making ammends
I'm not lost or searching or impulsive and weak
I'm curious and interested in expanding my horizons
My imagination takes me everywhere and sometime I don't want to come back
But I still try my best to improve what I do have
I do what I can and when I fail it's a lesson
If I didn't do my best, I'll take a look at what went wrong
I'm a hopeless romantic and a dreamer in the process of making use of my life and all my potential
I can be funny, sarcastic and niave all at once
But there are times when I'm serious and all I want is respect
I earned what I have and threw away many oppurtunities
But thats the beauty of life whether I like it or not
I forgive easily and remember most things
Especially what it feels like to be hurt and left alone
I enjoy what life brings me and I've learned that I'm capable
I've found my voice and I'm not afraid to be singled out
My head holds a crown that might be too heavy
But all my burdens are mistakes that paved a path towards my successes
I was a girl but now I am a woman
And to be honest, I love who I've become
Some people like me, some may be critical
But the only opinion that matters, is the one in the mirror
I like to laugh, I like to share, I like to listen to my friends
But most importantly I love to smile, even when it's difficult and everything is falling apart
Because in the midst of rainstorm always comes a rainbow
Soon after any day now, the sun will shine on my destiny
And the puzzle of life will still make no sense at all

Self:
You are only one note in a symphony
So be a force to be reckoned with.

Escaping the distance beside me
Lying in a sea of false hope
Destined to sink into the bottom of the bluest of black holes
Reaching out to sunnier side of the fence
Unmindful of being sensitive
Disgusted with myself;
Trapped inside of hell
Giving into temptations, save me
Losing sight of all my blessings daily
Wishing I could rewind time and fix the cause
Wishing I could put my life on hold and pause
But I'm trapped in waves of lies above my head
Drowning in your adversity instead
While your laughing because you knew it couldn't be
You love the stench of your own misery
And the weight of guilt upon my conscious
Burdens me a heavy distress
Problems I eventually confess
And you vilify me nonetheless
But it hurts to have to caused so much pain
Lost devotion and found a web to weave my shame
Breathing gets easier day by day as I'm looking into my reflection
Swallowing my vanity to find a whole new perception;
I'm forgiven somewhere deep inside
But lust could not survive the hills we climb
You swear you'd die with all your lies
The indications I never recognized
The facts that keep me awake at night
Knowing we were never right
My stomach's turning,
fuel burning
a few things I still need to learn and
get over and just forget
all our empty promises
Like loyalty and trust
the things we never get enough of
The things we gave up and broke
How lust has me like a choke hold
It's got me wearing false smiles and happiness
Keeping the distance between the both of us
In the sea of covers, waves of lies
Captive of the guilt that keeps me alive
Lost the key, hopped the fence
Suffering in consequence
The things I need, the hurt you bleed
I loathe the stench of my own misery

If everything could make sense, I'd be tortured from all the boredom
I'd be living in discontent, so thank whomever for surprises
And sometimes the gifts that curse us most, or that cause problems even pain
Are the best ones to remember because we've learned how to live again
A new perspective causes growth and that leads us to new horizons
As the shadows follow closely we carry shame but call them burdens
I'm not sure how many possibilities I've thrown away
But today...I've decided to keep them all

I have two feet on the ground, and a head above the trees
I see dreams appearing beautifully into reality
I have things that are simply priceless and a wish I hold on to
Its the wish I'll always wish for you
Gifts are always better when they come from a stranger teaching kindness to a splinter in a soul
I feel for you

So I write about the love, and jealousy and the pain
All the emotions that drive us to something we can all relive again
Like a band aide covers scars, I blanket ignorance
I'd like to keep it in the dark, and try to capture it then release it
Off into the world, with different forms of contribution
Because giving is the secret to life
And my life, is worth living to give

What do you do when the world comes crashing down on you?
What do you think is the best way to go about it?
I don't always know what to do when it's unexpected
I just go with the rhythm of the beat of the bass drum
Feel the wind in my hair and dance to the weight of the freedom
I just let the butterflies take flight, such beautiful insight
Watch the heat of the moment ignite with the passion of magics bright light
Life is short
Life is fast
Life can be humdrum
I've seen my worst, I've tried my best and still suffer from confusion
I know my type, I know the pain
I feel insync, but I've lost my brain
All at once, I've paid my dues
Pushed my limit and had everything to lose
Such a wonderful kind of enchanted mind of being lost and being wrong
And I laugh it off with a silly smurk
A sarcastic joke because I've been hurt
And I might not be right where I want to...
But I'm where I'm at and absolutley love where I've been

Where are these mythical creatures we call men?
I have yet to meet one
I have stumbled upon many animals and a scared little boy
I have touched a soldier
Loved a hypocrite
I have held hands with the spawn of Satan
I had beside me a chameleon
Even danced with an ***
But never have I seen this wonder we call a man

Acrobats diving into a sea of exotica
Landing amongst the heroes and the renegades
They were equipped with the power of silence,
Subtle yet unafraid
And all disbelievers drown in decimals of a twisted maze
Were they casting  spells on the curious?
Or we're they the definition of what it is to be brave?
I wasn't ignorant
I was here to learn from it
It was force that lead me into the darkness just to find the light of faith and hope at the end of the tunnel
At the end of a race
After an avalanche of discouragement
I finally saw the weekly forecast of what it could be.
Partly sunny
Mainly rain
A light chill
Or a thunderstorm
I wanted more
I wanted everything
I wanted more
I had everything
I was dreamer drunk on dandelions only to find what couldn't be true
But I wanted to;
I wanted you
I was hopeless romantic with a bad attitude
With a delirious mind casting spells on you
I was entitled
You weren't having it
I wanted everything
But you wanted less from me
I was incapable, but you were everything
You had nothing
But you were my everything

Shallow, unforgiving dysfunctional darkness
Lurking in the crossroads between good and evil
Standing there lost, impulsive but shamed
Striking a pose of glory and false strength
I felt his troubles and pain on a Sunday night a work at the bar
I felt his accidental slipping tires screech against the pavement
Only to find he didn't want me so he left me behind at the hospital
I tried to call
But I was weak so I text my condolences
As the girl in the background that he never spoke about held as hand as he got well, or better
I'm not sure if I was capable of that
That is why the last day I saw his face I was speechless
That is why he never got the answer he was looking for
And I never got the hope that I was dying for
I was scared of truth and love
And revealing my insanity to the innocent, perfect saints
I could never face myself
It took years of crying and self loathing entries in my diary
It took self destructive behavior and God's pure indulgence to guide me
Living in regret is the worst hell
Its damaging and twisted like the thoughts that fill my heart
When it once was enchantment and hopeful and bright
Not embracing my flaws left me stranded behind
Failing
Falling
Fueling
Fearing
Fragile
If only he knew the dysfunction and the tears
If only he knew that failure made me fearless now a days
If only I could go back to seeing that amazing day
If I had another chance

All the things that make us so different
Counterbalance and leave me inconsistent
You lack what you keep on saying
I lose my cool because you lied in the beginning
I try hard to keep myself together
So many teardrops fall from heated temperature
When will I get what I deserve?
A tiny piece of heaven on this earth
I felt cold and pessimistic
Left all alone to handle life's petty ****
I wanted you to hold me truly
Light up my world and reassure me
When will I get what I've been looking for?
A real man who shows me love is the perfect cure
I want to be so grounded in
Able to enjoy myself and live in my own skin
But you know how to push my buttons
Make me insecure and poison all my feelings
When will you finally open up
Trust me and show me how you really love
I know you can do better than most
I have faith in all of your little flaws and such
I see all of your potential in your personality
You get my heart and all of my intensity
I said I love you for a reason
You said it back, and I believed in it
When will we get what we deserve
A tiny piece of heaven on this earth

In my eyes love does not exist
I tried it once or twice before but it's not on my wish list
I got bruises and scars to prove I can take a beating
I'm not your average girl, my beauty is truly deceiving
What I learned from love was, you better put up one hell of a fight
You better say the right answer or your *** is getting beat at night
I never got the flowers a boys supposed to send
I never got the love I needed from a boyfriend
I never got a jewelry box scripted with a love message
I missed out on all that attention
But what I do have is more than money could pay
I got a new chance at life; a brand new day
I got the courage to stand up and take them down
I got the strength to fight back, now my karma is coming around
I have the wisdom to know what I didn't before
I have the faith in the mystery of whats behind closed doors
I may not believe in the magic of love
But I believe in angles and the man up above

A dark heart in a dark place.
Bruised in every which way.
So much pain.
Rain.

A shallow mind on a different page.
Optimism still in the game.
So much shame.
Vain.

A smile of lies on a sad face.
With sarcasm to embrace.
So much waste.
Erase.

Today.
Tomorrow.
Yesterday.
The day before.
And more.

So much pain to endure.

Unresponsive
Silence aching in the pit of my stomach boiling the blood beneath my skin
Raging chaos
Weeping solitude until I fall asleep awaiting an explanation
Shaken glory
Magnifies in the heat of some miscommunication, lack of trust slithering out within each insult
Always trying to defy the laws of gravity
Unable to admit there are no such thing as superheros, magic wands, or even luck
I am bulimic to love and lust and all things good
Allergic to kindness and appreciating and all things right
I always get left in the middle, asking myself
What the hell is wrong with me

I imagined karma to be more graceful like a bubble bath cleansing my misfortunes
I imagined fate to be more encouraging but every corner I turn I always hit a stop sign
I meet some people with a lot of contradictions
but in the mirror I'm masked under fears of failed attempts
I guess you could say I put on a front
But the stern looks and the cold heart have been chiseled away by the monsters of reality
I was kind long ago and willing to listen
I was free and forgiving and happy and such
I was taken from the light into the darkness and the strangers I've met sometimes understood me
We were bonded by pain and fears that we silenced
But with one look we knew, and we sometimes just laughed
I hated the fear of rejection and judgement
But I found myself bitter becoming someone I tried so hard to not become
I was on top of the world one day and falling deep in a pit below a corpse in the ground
I was cold but not from winter and faking the glory
And the strangers would listen and always disappear
I felt like a grain of sand on beach far a way
One that got stepped on and left in a picture
One that never turned into a pearl
I felt alone in a room full of people and jokers and hipsters and success
At the bottom a fish bowl empty and useless
But the strangers I've met, kept me telling my story
Kept me hoping for glory and redemption and joy
I wish I could of done more for them

12:23 in the morning.
Cold underneath my blankets
Some kind of deep day dreaming
Wide awake, fighting the sleep that I need
Desperately needing
Some kind of comfort
you can't give to me
So wrapped up in the would have been's.
Losing faith in could of been's.
Wishing that it really happened
so hard it hurts my stomach
and causes migraines so bad because I really want it.
Just like I want chocolate
Just like I want a hug.
Just like I want to forget
All that once was us
Suffering in the silence
of the coldness in the room
trying so **** hard
to forget, well-
You

I trust few, love easy and never let go completely
I hold secrets, but if you stare long enough you could read me
I like tulips, write poems and dream about things no one knows of
I like to push the envelope
I like my music loud
I always lose the remote
But I don't believe in doubts
I'm complex in many ways
But my heart is quite simple
My thoughts are always circling
And some days I am mental
I know what I want when I see it
I get what I want when I try
I have plenty of tricks up my sleeve
And I always question why
I'll believe you if you tell me
And I'll listen when you talk
I'm considerate yet selfish
But I'm humble when I walk
I seek progress not perfection
I admit when I am wrong
I admit some days I cry a lot
But deep down I know I'm strong
I'm a positive and caring
Naive yet unafraid
I'm a little on the wild side
But I am daring because I'm brave

You were the one thing that stopped the chaos from cluttering my head
The light that lead me some place happy which could of been anywhere
Especially when I knew I had your attention
And yes, I had your attention
Your eyes locked in with mine
And alcohol set the mood with anticipation and lust
Now I filter options quicker than you were when you had changed your lovely mind that night
The bar was a haze of raspberry kamikaze
You were a smile away from eternity
Yet it hurt to try from fear
Games hurt when you lose them
You leaving hurt worse than that
When will be the day when I can break the silence?
Because for the record...my excuse was selfish just like me
I can only watch your life in pictures and hope for you to know
The real reason between what happened and if only...
Was  I loved you and didn't know how to show you the way you have with her
Structure, balance, innocence
A chance to settle
When all I know is roller coasters and tidal waves
When all I was in between
And know all you are is a memory... Or maybe even a dream

She was wasting her time.
On a boy who didn't give a ****.
A boy who only held her hand, just to use her.
She was so in love,
and it was supposed to be so beautiful
but everybody else stepped in to warn her
she was innocent in all their eyes,  
they said, don't let him use you.
But all the help, she did forget,
because abuse is something you never want to get use to.

Nothing makes sense when everyone seems to be against you.
And nobody's help makes sense because a boy only distracts you.
And nothing makes sense when you want it all to work
Then again, reality only sets in
after you get hurt.
Why are we all so
Naive and brilliant...
When we are younger?
Why do we fall,
if  we could of just listened to our mother

We are naive and brilliantly stupid in love
Of course we think we know it all when we are 18.
We like to think we'll never fall until we lose everything.
But that's what you get for being naive and brilliantly stupid in love

He was wasting her time
By lying to an angel.
she was so innocent once before,
But then he broke her smile.
But no one wants to help her now that he is gone.
That stupid girl honestly believed he was the one.

But nothing makes sense, because everybody's advice is stupid.
Nothing makes sense because their love is special confuseing.
And nothing makes sense when you're only listening to your heart.
But nothing will make sense because love is not supposed to fall apart.
And even when you want it all to work...
nothing makes sense until you get hurt.
Why are we all so
Naive and brilliant...
When we are younger?
Why do we fall,
if we could have listened to our mother

We are naive and brilliantly stupid in love

Of course we think we know it all when we are 18.
We like to think we'll never fall until we lose everything.
But that's what you get for being naive and brilliantly stupid in love

and  of course nobody else knows a single thingShe's the only one who'se ever been 18
she's the only special one, who knows exactly how to solve everything.
So leave her all alone to make her mistakes.
She's never going to listen to our advice anyway.
because of course you know she'll never give it up.
Being stubborn is part of being stupid  in love.

I was a dreamer content with all my blessings
Striving for perfection; wishing my life away
I lived inside of lala land and flew into the sun
I drove towards high ambition but steered with blind hesitation
Always second guessing cupid's arrow with a microscope
Like a pessimist on a soap box, defensively corrupt
I was bleeding my soul out onto invisible horizontal lines
Crying out for that someone who had once stabbed me in the dark
Blaming all my issues on things I can't take back
I don't know why or what kept me so amused with trouble
Something in the heat of danger keeps me satisfied
You were different
Something difficult but interesting
Calm and collective
Someone I could never be
You were a wayward child running from the truth
Just looking for an escape or just another muse to keep you entertained
You were filled with the chase of recklessness
I was filled with light of faith
I was uptight at somedays, but you let time lead you astray
And the peak of the adrenaline keeps you stimulated just barely enough...
Just enough to keep you coming back for seconds
Just enough to sugar coat your stomach
Just enough to keep you smiling on the edge who knows what
You needed something to keep your eyes from rolling in and out of sleep
You were used to the sour aftertaste broken promises and lies
I was highlighting the ultimate and envying the game
I was use to disappointments and devouring the pain of the unforgivable
But I was challenging and you admired it
We were opposite like Mercury and Neptune
But all those underestimated ingredients are what makes the dancing possible
As we Tango past the moon and we Foxtrot across the stars
I pirouette through all the difficulties and we fall back into reality
And you catch me here on planet earth
Right back to the beginning, where it feels like home

Here I am again
Content with loneliness
Writing riddles to keep track of time
Detaching myself from the reality of emotions
Pretending
Deep down I know love does not conquer all
I'm naive but I can keep a strait face
Too many arguments of nonsense and jealousy
So I keep everything at a distance
Such a wreck
In a tangled weave of misdirection
I panic at the thought of love
It's for children
It's for hope
It's for co dependancy
But not for me
I'm contenet with lonliness

A daisy and dandelion jungle
With secrets beneath the trees
Pink and purple skies
With green and auburn leaves
A paradise so peaceful
A gentle blowing breeze
Enchanting light that glistens
With never ending seas

I fall apart every now and then
Crumble down into shells of mix matched pieces
It's like the rain clouds follow me
Every right I take, I should of gone left
It's hard to face so many mixed emotions
The waves of guilt are always crashing in
Living up to people's expectations
I lose my way
Side track on little interruptions
Too many thoughts to process all at once
Temptation dangles right in front of my face
One mistake sends me back to rehab
But the reasoning is overlooked
I'm a shell, when I could of been a pearl
A dim light drowning in a sea of dust
Negativity echoing in my eardrums
But I find a way to believe
So much pressure dancing on my shoulders
And as I pray I scraped my knees
Put a smile on and breathe in deep
And to think it's just the beginning of a mountian with never ending hills
So I'll use my compass to guide me back

Pay attention
Hear the voices reconnect?
The traffic dies down simultaneously
The summer entwines and untangles
The skies reach out
The dandelions bloom
Feel the subtle changes
Purity is raining

Frantically falling into a sense of manic illusion
Fighting the demons of grief and abuse
I was naive and easy to turn around
But I wasn't too hollow to speak my mind
I might of needed a push or shove
You might of been wearing the ****** glove
But who is who after all those years?
Where did you run to when I shed all those tears
I should have knows that you were no good
I should of have run but I waited until I had sunken
You blame me and I blame you
You think it was all for nothing
I think you were nothing too
Why didn't I, didn't I stop myself
It was hard , you were shallow, I was lost, I was broken
But I still wish you the best
It was challenging to try to comfort you
When you were suffering, that's when I would too
The light turns green but your standing still
I watched you drink yourself like a never ending filter
I wanted to cure you, but I never knew what was the cause
I wanted to desert you, but your soul was a curse that kept me holding on
Too bad its over
Too bad I'm gone
Too bad your still alone wondering where the love has gone
I'm out of your reach
Your out of my sight
I'm so sick and tired of circles leading sideways
So sick of blaming myself for your choices
I'm so sick of bending backwards
But the one thing I know is I'm not sick of the only blessing you gave me
When I tried to break away....
You gave me the insight, the limelight, the future
And the only thing, you can never take away...

How can I forgive myself?
I let me down and I can't get up
No matter what the world thinks,
The thoughts I have keep me wide awake
How can I accept myself?
I let me down and I can never heal
There are parts of me that hate myself
No matter how much the sun shines
I'll be forever moody
I can not help myself
I tried so hard but I can't get up
No matter the joy that I bring myself
There is always disappointment settling
These scars I wear remind me of myself
The things I've done and can't take back
How do I admit to myself
There is so much more to look forward to
I don't think ahead
What I'm feeling is depressed
I can't escape the thoughts
What I'm feeling is disgust
I want it all,
But can't make it
I've fallen and I'm shaken
I want it back
But I can't go there
I'm all alone and broken
I had it all
And now I'm empty
Suppressed with all regrets
I want it back
What I would do if I could
Have it all back


There are moments when I want to disappear

It is August already
Another year slips through my fingers
Where has the time gone?
I'm still trying to reassemble it back together

I almost forgot your birthday
But at night you float into my bedroom
It's impossible not miss you
When your magic soars across the stars

The sirens remind me of a nightmare
You were always an emergency
White cats and baseball bats
Grunge shirts on a broken boy to cheap to pay full price

Your moms apartment was scented with cigarettes
We drank coffee just to stay awake
You spoke riddles just for conversation
And walked with your hands in your pocket

I danced to keep a smile on your face
Payed the bills and cooked you dinner
But simplicity wasn't your style
So you threw out the window

Framed.
I surround myself with an abundance of its glorious aftermath.
A cheap thrill for the night.
Let a half hour soak in the wrath.
I've continued to overdose myself with an endless cycle of euphoria
a sinful, deadly deception-
a vindictive vice.
Where manslaughter may be the only token for temporary happiness.
Be hypnotized with me, no pressure
as I am eager to embrace a mouthful of its alluring poison
like candy,
sweet candy.
A marigo-round of dileberate madness.
I spin around;
it's the sensation that brings me back every **** time.
knowing I wont come back every time.
I'm addicted.
So very addicted,
atleast I can admit it.
It's the sweet taste of cotton mouth,
it's the beautiful realization I figured myself out.
Spin me.
Let the drug seep through my pores
and bless you all
Hold me.
Let your sensation be my only amusement for the night.
I crave it.
I wont let myself go through withdrawls.
I can't control its endless cycle of euphoria
After all,
my addiction is to be
chemically happy.

Some people love oceans and beaches
I''d just rather stare into space
and watch the stars fall from heaven
With you
as we
hold hands with sobriety
and poison the rest of the world with our happiness
Everyone will think we are crazy
but the truth is they're jealous

Some people like roses
But it's the daises that simultaneously define love and luck
No matter how I start the riddle
it always ends out in my favor
With you
As we
play under the covers
and create a garden of romance with green-eyed spectators
Everyone already thinks we're blessed
And the truth is they are all envious

Some people like synonyms
And I am one of them
No matter how many ways you define it
there is only one meaning
With you
we make
an adjective, a hobby
But they say the richer the better--
and I agree
But the truth is they can be skeptical
But we still prove them wrong

I am not lonely anymore; I begin to profile in the mirror.
In a collage of interpretation I welcome my every imperfection.
Fear dies slowly, after living in the back of every thought.
I swallow the negativity and grasp the significance.

I rewind time. In simple seconds after guessing how much I'd hate to relive this again.
I can make the impossible happen in my sublime world.
With a push of a button, I can't be discouraged.
Frame by frame in my mind I go back to everything I already had.
To the days handed over so easily. But, those days are out of reach for me.

I recall when things were perfect, the things that I took for granted.
I ask is it all irreplaceable?
What are the odds like, and when do they give up?
Or is my brilliant passion a delusion?
Can my efforts be defined as enough?
I always ask too much, too soon.
I finally faced my fear only to find my faith abandoned by ideas that decayed.
I have learned my lesson. Maybe it is meant to be this way.


Will you lose consciousness and recollect the information after time?
Excuse me, I can too, read your mind.
Will you forgive me for confiding, like a child blinded by the innocence of common sense.
Somethings I wish to forget.
I accept responsibility, can you empathize with me?
If a penny were to please you I would give you plenty.  
I would give you my very last; even the shirt off my back.
I just wish I knew half as much as you.

Now is what I bring to you; today is all I have.
I hate to constantly be relieving my uneventful past.
Clever, rushed and unafraid.
Yet, my power is to leave your world complete.
Let me show you whirls of grace, through descriptive words I've grown to know inside and out.
Like magic and fairies and gratified lust, let me make you cry.
I will fracture silence and bring out the person you wish you could be.
I know I can not hurt you intentionally.
Take a step forward and masquerade the memories with music.
On the edge of the end of the rest of the world.
I will show you the beginning of this incomparable girl

I wanted to scream silence
And hurt you with my piercing eyes
Because I knew you knew
You could read my mind
Or you were suppose to anyhow
By this time our inner clocks are perfectly syncronized as one
Or so I thought
And so I raged, impulsive and hormonal
Once again
I never thought you'd insult me or define me like the others
Or so you promised when you said--
I love you
Or did you forget I love you
Even when I'm moody

Wake up
Bed time was yesterdays awakening
I only dream possibilities that decipher my life's catastrophe
**** regrets,
I only wish them away
Because I feel sorry for myself
Self realization
a deeper, profound thought
Ignited illegally
Frowned upon by humanity
True amazement
Dawning a bliss
A beautiful realization
Formed an abyss-
Contaminated
Corrupted
Innocent
World
I feel sorry for you.

The first time, wasn't awesome
I was nervous, I was scared to death
I was quiet, I wasn't confident
but I gave in, to my deepest sin
and I lost my breath
it wasn't worth it

I was 17, it was way too young
for a girl to be losing everything for fun
But I caved in, under all the pressure
gave it up to a boy who doesn't measure up
to man at all,
he was not a boy you want
or the kind of boy you take home to mom
he's not the american dream
he's a punk kid packed full of nothing

Stupid me, I should have known
I should of let all that drama go
He left me with a broken soul
and a shattered heart
with no place to go
Then he took my perfect world a part
and I realized how life was hard
cuz a fool who played the part of sweetheart

He gave me drugs all the time, I was so twacked up that I lost my mind and
now I'm stuck cleaning up the mess he made
all the doubts in my head turn another shade
another color
I want something new, a better offer
What I need is to find myself again,
what I need to be is my only friend

I need another door to open up
lost my opportunity because I gave it up
all for love
played the games, and I've had enough
What I need is a second chance
and What I need is to get me back
cuz

Love is a risky business
Add drugs and it turns into ****
You play games, that have no rules
Lies wasted cuz it's all your fuel
forget what your trying to do
all you blame is you
cuz you act a fool and
breaking away can be difficult
being an addict in the unknown
Got to learn to live your life and grow
and leave all the dysfunctional
you gotta man up, and grow some *****
leave the lust that tears you apart
gotta figure out what you really want

Got put yourself first
even when its hurts
Gotta lose all the jerks
gotta look up in a mirror and take a stand
gotta figure out you don't need a man
to hold your hand
gotta get your life back on track and
forget all that brings you down
take good hard look at yourself
and come back around
They don't know what their losing now
Found a whole new woman and a whole new crowd

forget love for the time being
and remember being 17,
remember how naive you could be
when a boy says he'll give you everything
***** that **** and get it yourself
remember you don't need a mans help
remember it'll take some time
but you're a whole new person,you're diamond
in the rough, life is tough
but it's way too short to be serious
in love so young
you deserve the world
and your freedom
don't owe anything to anyone
just watch who you'll become

And if you want the world in the palm of your hands
take a firm hard grip on your second chance.
And don't look back
on the past, and be grateful for all that you have
You gotta make better choices
don't throw it all away for all them boys and
parties, and fun and lots of poison
don't make the same mistakes I made
cuz I learned everything the hard way
Hear what I gotta say
Cuz when it pours it rains
Get yourself out of a gutter
out of a rut
Get sick and tired cuz enough is enough
Show them what your made of
And don't give your dreams up, all for love

A symphony of majestic silence in the middle of the night
Marinating in my thoughts of mishaps a warm and intense delight
I washed away the daily sarcasm and lather on the charm
A hint of sexuality to allure his curious arm
I awaken with the subtle tickle, purr in sweet conviction
His touch is a perfect masterpiece and I'm his willing victim
I'm dressed to **** and kiss to haunt him
Pierce his eyes and bite to taunt him
He's satisfied, but keeps on giving a world or gifts of which are never ending
Its passionate and such a whirlwind
But I'm content the fuel is burning
You'd never guess but I never second guess him
He's distant while affectionate but what he gives is nothing less of splendid

****.
I'm sad.
Allowing myself to get walked on.
Such lack of respect and not enough faith and too many bad things to compare it with.
There is no hope for me and togetherness.
It is all a mythical plot and vivid imagination circling my ever changing mind.
I cried about that too.
I cried myself to sleep wondering why, and what and how should it be?
Or can I ever get this right?
I'm a goose trying to be swan.
A kitten thinking I'm a tiger.
I'm alone, once again...here talking to myself in riddles and metaphors.
Such nonsense.
Can I ever just be...normal.
I feel like an alien.
Out of place, misunderstood, taken for granted,
with all the bad karma that ever existed.
And nobody here to share it with.

My thoughts puddle into a catastrophe of constant disappointments
I can never live up to all these expectations
I cannot imagine any light or weights lifted off my shoulders
As long as the worries eat at my stomach and bleed from my brains
Too many things I've thrown away in search of something greater than material happiness
A fog blinds my view of the dreams I seek even though I can see the phoenix inside
I yearn for anything other than put downs and anger people criticizing my every move
I've chosen a path that debases me from any worthiness of successes--they think
To an outsider I am delusional and undecided
Maybe lost and a little frightened, but they could never say it to my face
But I keep on believing

Capture the essence of the moment and enliven in some kind of miracle;
Some higher altitude beyond outer space.
Inside something that only dreams can make sense of, breathe the sparkles of dust
that create atoms into matter.
Use yourself as an instrument and deliver some kind of meaning that tells some magical story
to your brother, sister, or some complete stranger.
Connect us all together.
Brighten up some sad face that has nothing to look forward to.
Bring joy to those children who need someone to look up to, and be an example.
Know yourself inside and out, and dance inside your imagination.
Fight the demons you can't conquer in reality.
Ignore whatever stigma people think they can define you with
Show the world what you are truly made of.
And be instinctively yourself, a person with charm and elegance, and control.
Applude yourself, even when you know you have accomplished something so epic and trivial.
Be what you naturally would; as money were no object.
Glorify in the person, you come face to face to challenge.
And bring yourself to understand it is not about you anymore.
Because everyone has a story to tell, and you are telling it.
Understand this and you have stepped into my soul

Talentless drought fluttering
Anxious eyes, swell in the midst of confusion
Lack of sleep
Full moon, peaking
Endless chatter

I surrender to the trail of stars guiding us
Into the deep woods of recklessness
I was certain this time... maybe you
You were certain this time
Maybe me
But maybe, may be impossible

Dreams are intertwining with reality
skies are chilling with the winter months
The rage is fueling from atoms of nothing

You're eyes are doubting your trust

Fear, jealousy and chaos
Still prevail....
sadly this winter
without any cure of hope in sight