Wink wink
I am scared to blink
The years will fly by without you
One minute you're here, the next you are blessed
God sent you to heaven
Without me
Wink wink
Dare me to blink
And dinners will go on without you
One minute I'm seven, the next you're in heaven
But you'll always be watching me
Won't you?

I wanted to scream silence
And hurt you with my piercing eyes
Because I knew you knew
You could read my mind
Or you were suppose to anyhow
By this time our inner clocks are perfectly syncronized as one
Or so I thought
And so I raged, impulsive and hormonal
Once again
I never thought you'd insult me or define me like the others
Or so you promised when you said--
I love you
Or did you forget I love you
Even when I'm moody

Passive aggressive
I may have been partially protected
In denial and defensive
Unsure that I meant this, but I remain optimistic
Because I can't take back that awful thing I just said;
But we both know, I only meant half of what I did
Half of what I did was an accident
I can hear your screams echoing
Raging machine, blood boiling
Under my veins I never contain my inner rage either
Not very well, anyhow
No, I'm not very well at all
But you love me
Anyhow
Anyhow? Any time, any place you've agreed
Dear boy you are patient to have been in love with me

Talentless drought fluttering
Anxious eyes, swell in the midst of confusion
Lack of sleep
Full moon, peaking
Endless chatter

I surrender to the trail of stars guiding us
Into the deep woods of recklessness
I was certain this time... maybe you
You were certain this time
Maybe me
But maybe, may be impossible

Dreams are intertwining with reality
skies are chilling with the winter months
The rage is fueling from atoms of nothing

You're eyes are doubting your trust

Fear, jealousy and chaos
Still prevail....
sadly this winter
without any cure of hope in sight

Bitter thoughts redirecting infinite wavering change
Manipulative and graceful even
Catastrophically inclined because negativity was a habit brewing
Possibly her only hope, if that isn't ironic enough

Everything is a reflection of irony
Stardust was result of all my wishes
I've never seen perfection sparkle so bright, as sober as that night
Perfectly gleaming through a thunderstorm, effortlessly painting chaos's masterpiece
Beautiful
The sunset beamed through the prism of my heart
There she was smiling back at me

A blank distant state of paranoia twisted in the gates of fear
Swelling from the reaction of getting too close
The air exhaled circulates around the room slowly as the clock ticks even slower
Each minute passing is undefined with empty, hollow space
The molecules are attempting to manipulate my illusions of what I know are to be solid reality are slowly peeking over the horizons
I'm not functional  in this state of content
I crave self destruction unwillingly.
The only thing stopping me between progress is caffeine, love and my inabilities to seperate emotion and work
I want to be stable, grounded and free but my broken, bipolar mind bleeds for closure

Wonder lust,  I saw him starring through my flaws
subtle like the summer breeze,
Curious and all
I might have been adapted
Semi serious but even when I'm fearless he teaches me the most.....
I adhere to all the unspoken rules
With him I feel slightly marvelous

I was use to the unusual
The pain and torment of dysfunction
And in return he loved me more than I knew or noticed

I was distracted
By the glitter and appeal of "we will, "we are," and "us"  
That I'd forgotten about me
And him
And the beginning

Twirling him around my finger
Losing sight of my ambitions
Slightly unsure where to go

He is mine
Or half of me?

Without a way of knowing what's best
But only knowing what's right
And never knowing who is wrong

If I knew myself better
Love would never bleed
And April would have stayed all year long

You were the one thing that stopped the chaos from cluttering my head
The light that lead me some place happy which could of been anywhere
Especially when I knew I had your attention
And yes, I had your attention
Your eyes locked in with mine
And alcohol set the mood with anticipation and lust
Now I filter options quicker than you were when you had changed your lovely mind that night
The bar was a haze of raspberry kamikaze
You were a smile away from eternity
Yet it hurt to try from fear
Games hurt when you lose them
You leaving hurt worse than that
When will be the day when I can break the silence?
Because for the record...my excuse was selfish just like me
I can only watch your life in pictures and hope for you to know
The real reason between what happened and if only...
Was  I loved you and didn't know how to show you the way you have with her
Structure, balance, innocence
A chance to settle
When all I know is roller coasters and tidal waves
When all I was in between
And know all you are is a memory... Or maybe even a dream

Teach me to swing dance
I'll teach you how to be responsible
You can teach me another language
And I'll show you how to be so comfortable
Because sometimes we're self destructive and unaware of all the damages we've done
Sometimes we have to lighten up and learn a different way to overcome
You can teach me science
And I will show you truth
You can learn about stand up
And you can force me to watch the news
I will bake you cupcakes
You can make fondue
We'll get you high on caffeine
You can show me the right way to stir a rue
Because sometimes our subtitles can be our biggest strengths
And sometimes our past times are the inspirations we create

There is a delusion of perfection blocking the gates between us
Your self destructive outlook underlines  the inadeqacies I tried so desperately to deflect
With humor or sarcasm or impulsive unecessary habits
Hindering me
Entangling me into another dysfunctional abyss I cannot deny
These shattered hearts heal with unsolicited *** scandals whispered by the tounges of cowards
Piddling their intoxicated paddles with reruns of last years season highlights
It's all the same and we became complacent
Unmotivated by the unmet expectations of our nemesis
Our image isn't mirrored by that of what we strive we are lost in a maze of who is good, better, richer glory
Success is based on luck and come ups meanwhile
We are drained with greed and jealousy and entitlements holding one another in a ship wreck
dangling by a measly line off our last second chance
I knew you'd take me back
Even if we sink together

I'm so alone now in this shelter as a cocoon
Empty and unholy
Insecure and maybe moody
I'm so unafraid now I've turned my guilt into a blaze
As I rage against the enemies I create
Its the path of freedom in this miserable escape towards happiness

I wasn't particular about the things that I expected from you
Just obvious with the what and when and where and how but never with the why
I knew the secret rules of boundaries and respect
Silence is a way to watch it all or twist it all, or hide it all
Silence was the one time you fell apart when all the other times you weren't too far from Hercules
I am angry with you, patient with you
I can't lose sleep over it
I'll just cry in terror
You can just sit there careless
I guess its times like these when you realize the things you want
And the things you don't

I'm unhappy
At this  very instant
But even most days I can muscle up the energy
I can focus on whats right and whats now and what can be
You can sit there drown in your solitude
because if you can't let it out and you won't let me in
Eventually the guilt from your kisses will be swallowed in acid
And the reaction of which will eat you alive

The serpent speaks words which are undeserving fables of hurtful intentions raging within her
I took a deep breath in an instead of a push back, my kindness was sweetness aching her teeth
Her sugar rush of confusion relayed a headache and her fangs and her poison took a step back
I gleamed with a smile of trust and amazement
As pure kindness does **** an old heated heart
I can't blame her or shun her for her bitter ways
I can only lead in example in style with grace
Because a serpent is tantrum of an entitled stranger
Or maybe a wounded solider battling herself yet to heal from a dysfunctional heart
And I am a lady regardless of such things I've done in my past or can't admit to the world
A master of disguise with innocence behind me
A pyramid that stands after storms and abuse
I've known no avalanche to strike or defeat me
Only negatives that lingered to help me develop
I've known no artist to win in an instance
Or a luck so clever to keep running back to
I've only known that terror and darkness and hatred are cured by the kindness from the wise ones
And coincidence is more than some kind of echo
It is purpose we seek and sometimes we question
But the truth is our purpose is to blossom like wildflowers
And even flowers need help from rain drops to flourish
And sunshine to liven that inconsistent rain
So be the sunshine or you might end u a serpent
Praying on kindness only to **** you in the end

We are a little distant with the ones we love
Lying to ourselves to hide from the truth
We are a little twisted and broken and bent
Lacking the honesty we so desperately need
We are all fighting battles of burdens and shame
Suffocated by the enemy and the hurting and sorrow
Do we know how to see the through our own dark ****** up lies?
Do we know how to know how to smile and laugh at the good?
Is there hope for us, is there nothing but rain?
Are we capable of love? Or shall we dig our own grave and lay in the pain?
Am I hopeless? Are you worth it?
Deciding is hard
Are we just enough?
Or is it too little too late?

Shallow, unforgiving dysfunctional darkness
Lurking in the crossroads between good and evil
Standing there lost, impulsive but shamed
Striking a pose of glory and false strength
I felt his troubles and pain on a Sunday night a work at the bar
I felt his accidental slipping tires screech against the pavement
Only to find he didn't want me so he left me behind at the hospital
I tried to call
But I was weak so I text my condolences
As the girl in the background that he never spoke about held as hand as he got well, or better
I'm not sure if I was capable of that
That is why the last day I saw his face I was speechless
That is why he never got the answer he was looking for
And I never got the hope that I was dying for
I was scared of truth and love
And revealing my insanity to the innocent, perfect saints
I could never face myself
It took years of crying and self loathing entries in my diary
It took self destructive behavior and God's pure indulgence to guide me
Living in regret is the worst hell
Its damaging and twisted like the thoughts that fill my heart
When it once was enchantment and hopeful and bright
Not embracing my flaws left me stranded behind
Failing
Falling
Fueling
Fearing
Fragile
If only he knew the dysfunction and the tears
If only he knew that failure made me fearless now a days
If only I could go back to seeing that amazing day
If I had another chance

I imagined karma to be more graceful like a bubble bath cleansing my misfortunes
I imagined fate to be more encouraging but every corner I turn I always hit a stop sign
I meet some people with a lot of contradictions
but in the mirror I'm masked under fears of failed attempts
I guess you could say I put on a front
But the stern looks and the cold heart have been chiseled away by the monsters of reality
I was kind long ago and willing to listen
I was free and forgiving and happy and such
I was taken from the light into the darkness and the strangers I've met sometimes understood me
We were bonded by pain and fears that we silenced
But with one look we knew, and we sometimes just laughed
I hated the fear of rejection and judgement
But I found myself bitter becoming someone I tried so hard to not become
I was on top of the world one day and falling deep in a pit below a corpse in the ground
I was cold but not from winter and faking the glory
And the strangers would listen and always disappear
I felt like a grain of sand on beach far a way
One that got stepped on and left in a picture
One that never turned into a pearl
I felt alone in a room full of people and jokers and hipsters and success
At the bottom a fish bowl empty and useless
But the strangers I've met, kept me telling my story
Kept me hoping for glory and redemption and joy
I wish I could of done more for them

I wanted a knight and shinning armor
But I learned quickly I had to be my own
I never had just one person to rely on
So I had resentments and misconceptions that begun
I wanted a shooting star to fall from heaven
Maybe erase my debts and punishments
I wanted more than anything to be a champion
But all that wishing left me lonely and indifferent
I wanted peace and forgiveness to come easy
And never ending dreams of fame
I wanted all the fortune and the glory
But I wasn't willing to work the game
If only I could put aside the bitter taste left behind
Maybe I could smile and pick the flowers in my mind
Instead of taking it out on anyone who's in my way
Maybe one day
I wanted a phenomenon to come along
And sweep me up right off my feet
I wanted a soldier with a solar touch
To keep me dancing to the beat
I wanted it all but all I have is one day
Maybe one day
Maybe
one day

Acrobats diving into a sea of exotica
Landing amongst the heroes and the renegades
They were equipped with the power of silence,
Subtle yet unafraid
And all disbelievers drown in decimals of a twisted maze
Were they casting  spells on the curious?
Or we're they the definition of what it is to be brave?
I wasn't ignorant
I was here to learn from it
It was force that lead me into the darkness just to find the light of faith and hope at the end of the tunnel
At the end of a race
After an avalanche of discouragement
I finally saw the weekly forecast of what it could be.
Partly sunny
Mainly rain
A light chill
Or a thunderstorm
I wanted more
I wanted everything
I wanted more
I had everything
I was dreamer drunk on dandelions only to find what couldn't be true
But I wanted to;
I wanted you
I was hopeless romantic with a bad attitude
With a delirious mind casting spells on you
I was entitled
You weren't having it
I wanted everything
But you wanted less from me
I was incapable, but you were everything
You had nothing
But you were my everything

No connection
A lost soul with no direction
Living on cheap words and compliments
Might as well be working on a empty stomach
I am ready for a challenge
Something that brings me hope that doesn't silence me so
Can you be there
I asked you why you are never here
You might as well be 15,000 miles in drowning sea
an epitome of what is to have a broken masterpeice
I had you wishing one day, that was long ago
Now you have me digging at a slow pace with a choke hold
I remember like it was yesterday
You remember me drunk on cheap champagne
Is it everything I thought it ever was?
Was it everything you thought it would be?
Its not like anything I ever hoped for
But it's all of everything you could ever want
You wanted half and half
I wanted whole milk
You like to drink it stiff
I like it kind of sweet
You prefer it kind of cold
And I like mine warm
At comfortable pace
But its us that is misplaced....
They say opposites attract.
I'd like to prove them wrong

Frantically falling into a sense of manic illusion
Fighting the demons of grief and abuse
I was naive and easy to turn around
But I wasn't too hollow to speak my mind
I might of needed a push or shove
You might of been wearing the ****** glove
But who is who after all those years?
Where did you run to when I shed all those tears
I should have knows that you were no good
I should of have run but I waited until I had sunken
You blame me and I blame you
You think it was all for nothing
I think you were nothing too
Why didn't I, didn't I stop myself
It was hard , you were shallow, I was lost, I was broken
But I still wish you the best
It was challenging to try to comfort you
When you were suffering, that's when I would too
The light turns green but your standing still
I watched you drink yourself like a never ending filter
I wanted to cure you, but I never knew what was the cause
I wanted to desert you, but your soul was a curse that kept me holding on
Too bad its over
Too bad I'm gone
Too bad your still alone wondering where the love has gone
I'm out of your reach
Your out of my sight
I'm so sick and tired of circles leading sideways
So sick of blaming myself for your choices
I'm so sick of bending backwards
But the one thing I know is I'm not sick of the only blessing you gave me
When I tried to break away....
You gave me the insight, the limelight, the future
And the only thing, you can never take away...

How can I forgive myself?
I let me down and I can't get up
No matter what the world thinks,
The thoughts I have keep me wide awake
How can I accept myself?
I let me down and I can never heal
There are parts of me that hate myself
No matter how much the sun shines
I'll be forever moody
I can not help myself
I tried so hard but I can't get up
No matter the joy that I bring myself
There is always disappointment settling
These scars I wear remind me of myself
The things I've done and can't take back
How do I admit to myself
There is so much more to look forward to
I don't think ahead
What I'm feeling is depressed
I can't escape the thoughts
What I'm feeling is disgust
I want it all,
But can't make it
I've fallen and I'm shaken
I want it back
But I can't go there
I'm all alone and broken
I had it all
And now I'm empty
Suppressed with all regrets
I want it back
What I would do if I could
Have it all back


There are moments when I want to disappear

If everything could make sense, I'd be tortured from all the boredom
I'd be living in discontent, so thank whomever for surprises
And sometimes the gifts that curse us most, or that cause problems even pain
Are the best ones to remember because we've learned how to live again
A new perspective causes growth and that leads us to new horizons
As the shadows follow closely we carry shame but call them burdens
I'm not sure how many possibilities I've thrown away
But today...I've decided to keep them all

I have two feet on the ground, and a head above the trees
I see dreams appearing beautifully into reality
I have things that are simply priceless and a wish I hold on to
Its the wish I'll always wish for you
Gifts are always better when they come from a stranger teaching kindness to a splinter in a soul
I feel for you

So I write about the love, and jealousy and the pain
All the emotions that drive us to something we can all relive again
Like a band aide covers scars, I blanket ignorance
I'd like to keep it in the dark, and try to capture it then release it
Off into the world, with different forms of contribution
Because giving is the secret to life
And my life, is worth living to give

Free falling; gone in an instant-- blink of an eyelash faster than lightning, flashing like brilliance
Drilling holes into the psyche
Astronomical; impeccable aim
Breathtaking colors with patterns like kaleidoscopes the creativity blows the mind
It's the morphine you can take without overdosing in pain and numbness
It's the chase you can't escape if you wanted to but you won't even try
It's the height of ecstasy and the awe of gratification
Its pure and magnetizing invigoration
When you prove what you set out to prove
When you give it all, you have everything to lose

The negative chatter fills the gaps of endurance and credence
The silence of the aftermath, leaves a clear distinctive taste
All the critics and the villains siphon air so you lose the ability to breathe
There is a glimmer, a tiny microorganism still standing on two feet pushing forward
Moving slow
Falling sideways
All, all alone
Glowing, fueling, bursting...flooding roadblocks, causing traffic
All the commotion is seeding havoc
Like an artist left unknown...you will grow
Flow and flower into a masterpiece

And the free fall secures you high amongst the nebula
There is no more spiraling downwards there is only a tiger lurking, always ready to pounce
On their victims, on the goals you've set ahead
Like a real winner always does, you finish first
because you did your very best
You're a tiger and you just earned you your stripes
So leave the amateurs on their soap box discombobulated
You're resilient, even savvy
You're a vision to be reckoned with

A symphony of majestic silence in the middle of the night
Marinating in my thoughts of mishaps a warm and intense delight
I washed away the daily sarcasm and lather on the charm
A hint of sexuality to allure his curious arm
I awaken with the subtle tickle, purr in sweet conviction
His touch is a perfect masterpiece and I'm his willing victim
I'm dressed to **** and kiss to haunt him
Pierce his eyes and bite to taunt him
He's satisfied, but keeps on giving a world or gifts of which are never ending
Its passionate and such a whirlwind
But I'm content the fuel is burning
You'd never guess but I never second guess him
He's distant while affectionate but what he gives is nothing less of splendid

I watch the world from a mari-go-round twirling in circles twiddling my thumbs
Falling from the piercing thunders in the sky full of lust and deception
Silence was the enemy
My ADHD can't deny the boredom of the same old routine hindering my existence
Am I worthless?
The shallow waters awaken my dream of rainforests and other pleasant things
And reality is in the forecast with partly cloudy skies
If only it were night forever than I could be most anything
My imagination takes me further then any aircraft ever could
So I dare the challenge of the never-ending; if forever could bare the soul
I would be proof of history when I do conquer the world
Defeat is not an option
If superman existed, he would win and so can I and so can you
I do know dreams come true
There are Oscars and gold medals and soldiers overcoming death
There are angels and saints saving us from ourselves
There are wars and heroes and bad guys as well
The devil does exist but God sees them as angels who fell
I believe there is glory and freedom and peace
It mustn't just be in my head full of dreams
I will show you there is evidence if the good in the world
When your vulnerable and naive there is  more than meets the eye
There are things out there you are meant to triumph if you put your best foot first
And the circles in your creating will align and amount to you, in the perfect sense of harmony in a cold and grey and cynical universe
There is yellow, there is blue there is gold but we are red
But the colors you attract to are not affirmation
You are priceless, immeasurable and incomparable even so
A savage in the heat of battle, simmering to boil
You're a warrior with the rest of them, with a stunning biography
You are destined to create glory sublime in the phenomenon of impulse and heart
Constructing immaculate stories to fill the pages of a book
We are gifts from above,
This can't all be in my head

All the things that make us so different
Counterbalance and leave me inconsistent
You lack what you keep on saying
I lose my cool because you lied in the beginning
I try hard to keep myself together
So many teardrops fall from heated temperature
When will I get what I deserve?
A tiny piece of heaven on this earth
I felt cold and pessimistic
Left all alone to handle life's petty ****
I wanted you to hold me truly
Light up my world and reassure me
When will I get what I've been looking for?
A real man who shows me love is the perfect cure
I want to be so grounded in
Able to enjoy myself and live in my own skin
But you know how to push my buttons
Make me insecure and poison all my feelings
When will you finally open up
Trust me and show me how you really love
I know you can do better than most
I have faith in all of your little flaws and such
I see all of your potential in your personality
You get my heart and all of my intensity
I said I love you for a reason
You said it back, and I believed in it
When will we get what we deserve
A tiny piece of heaven on this earth

Fragile petals drifting along the shoulder of the sidewalk
So many interruptions from the passengers and their small talk
The yellow dandelions I use to pick when I was young
Remind me of the innocence there once was when I hadn't had a clue about love
And I didn't have pain to compare with
I didn't have shame to weigh me down
Didn't recognize I was envious
Hadn't yet discovered who I was
I never knew better
I was always right
Always discrediting my mother
Wish I could step back in time
Because if I knew now what I know back then
I would of been somebody different
If only I could be, free
The birds are humming a melody, floating so nonchalantly
I can sense all the encouragement in the summer air
Flickering with confidence
I wish it would rub off onto me

I feel broken, inside
A little empty
And maybe I'm still dissatisfied all together

I feel hopeless, dwelling
Carefree but driven
I'm so unpredictable running in contradicting circles

I feel bitter
Tainted; holding resentments
I'm just so petrified of freedom
I can't face it all by myself

I wish maybe someone could read me
Lighten me up
And teach me what it's like to be loved
What it's like to trust

I don't know what that feels like yet
But I imagine...
Just like the movies or better
Maybe just like my childhood
Maybe I am naive

I'm just a star gazer
Hopeless romantic, dreamer
Maybe that's all I know
Maybe that's how good it gets with me
Maybe forever alone I will weep

****.
I'm sad.
Allowing myself to get walked on.
Such lack of respect and not enough faith and too many bad things to compare it with.
There is no hope for me and togetherness.
It is all a mythical plot and vivid imagination circling my ever changing mind.
I cried about that too.
I cried myself to sleep wondering why, and what and how should it be?
Or can I ever get this right?
I'm a goose trying to be swan.
A kitten thinking I'm a tiger.
I'm alone, once again...here talking to myself in riddles and metaphors.
Such nonsense.
Can I ever just be...normal.
I feel like an alien.
Out of place, misunderstood, taken for granted,
with all the bad karma that ever existed.
And nobody here to share it with.

Unresponsive
Silence aching in the pit of my stomach boiling the blood beneath my skin
Raging chaos
Weeping solitude until I fall asleep awaiting an explanation
Shaken glory
Magnifies in the heat of some miscommunication, lack of trust slithering out within each insult
Always trying to defy the laws of gravity
Unable to admit there are no such thing as superheros, magic wands, or even luck
I am bulimic to love and lust and all things good
Allergic to kindness and appreciating and all things right
I always get left in the middle, asking myself
What the hell is wrong with me

Falling into the sadness of disappointment yet again
I can see the flags all rising turning deeper shades of red
I can hear the voices echo-- telling me to run, darling run
Protect yourself from the pain before you get too attached
I'm already there
I'm already scared
I was strong before and now I'm so unprepared
I never thought it through
Never thought you do these things to me

So mad I could almost **** you
These thoughts I have rage through my brain
And I never knew how disappointed I could be over such a little thing
You smile at me as if nothing happened
But two can play that game
I stare right through you with my piercing eyes
Anger will be misplaced with  silence
Because talking it through only ****** me off more
And your an idiot for not thinking thing through

I was a dreamer content with all my blessings
Striving for perfection; wishing my life away
I lived inside of lala land and flew into the sun
I drove towards high ambition but steered with blind hesitation
Always second guessing cupid's arrow with a microscope
Like a pessimist on a soap box, defensively corrupt
I was bleeding my soul out onto invisible horizontal lines
Crying out for that someone who had once stabbed me in the dark
Blaming all my issues on things I can't take back
I don't know why or what kept me so amused with trouble
Something in the heat of danger keeps me satisfied
You were different
Something difficult but interesting
Calm and collective
Someone I could never be
You were a wayward child running from the truth
Just looking for an escape or just another muse to keep you entertained
You were filled with the chase of recklessness
I was filled with light of faith
I was uptight at somedays, but you let time lead you astray
And the peak of the adrenaline keeps you stimulated just barely enough...
Just enough to keep you coming back for seconds
Just enough to sugar coat your stomach
Just enough to keep you smiling on the edge who knows what
You needed something to keep your eyes from rolling in and out of sleep
You were used to the sour aftertaste broken promises and lies
I was highlighting the ultimate and envying the game
I was use to disappointments and devouring the pain of the unforgivable
But I was challenging and you admired it
We were opposite like Mercury and Neptune
But all those underestimated ingredients are what makes the dancing possible
As we Tango past the moon and we Foxtrot across the stars
I pirouette through all the difficulties and we fall back into reality
And you catch me here on planet earth
Right back to the beginning, where it feels like home

I'm redirecting my thoughts once again
Focused on a new beginning with a new perspective
I almost wandered off on all the broken cross streets
Misdirected from all the blinded passengers
The strangers try to speak directions
But their languages seem so foreign to me
I see the traffic light go green and I won't go just yet
All the noises drown out what I need and what to do next
With the echoes humming phrases of "I need you please won't you help me"
I want to be the voice of reason, if your instincts cannot work
I want to save you from defeat but you have to have a bit of courage
I want to light the pitch black darkness from you saddening soul that cries
But love is not enough to save your heart wrenched painful catastrophic life
You're still just a a shadow dancing with hand of distant tragic spite
It's all to much to bare and I am not your super girl
You are far too much to care for as a child of my own
I don't have the time to swallow your guilt on hand and knee
I don't have the room for blaming games and bitter painted self pity
I am not trying to push you from a heart that loves you so
Your tears have done enough for me so I have to let you go
You are so broken and lonely and too naïve to see the truth
I am just one girl with common sense and I hate to lie to you
Your misinterpretation of the reality that is
Is all just so demented and it only bringing you down
And darling I don't want to go down with you
darling I have just to much to lose
Please forgive me
I can't save you
Its not that your not worth it
But I have traveled that winding road once or twice
And life is only what you make of it
So why don't you make it what you want to be
Instead of crying here for company
Why don't you, start now

I can't take your calls anymore
Something's just not right with your mind
I can't stand the way you try to control the things you can't help in your life
Because even when the skys are blue
Your still living in a tragedy
And even when its going good
Your still impossible to deal with
I wish you could see yourself
Take a good hard look
I wish you could just be yourself
Your trying to impress the world
But your just another mindless, failing robot
Circling the depths of nonsense and chaos
You're a product of the dogma that comsumes the currupted mind
One that stabs uncertainty with darkness instead of light
But somethings are not exactly what they seem
Sometimes I'm forced to drown in echoed ****** screams
And pretend to be somewhere else in this misery
I'll pretend you were only trying to protect me
As I wish upon another hopeless, dimming shooting star
Concentrate on anything else but this headache you make pound on my brain
If only magic exsisted
And I had it in me
To just fly out of this nightmare and into the sky
Would you leave me alone and stop calling
Because I can't take your phone calls anymore

Your sweet and sour disposition lights my wide eyes seemingly
I've sunken deeper into your glory
The hills you paved were treacherous
I blinked in rhythm and counted corners
Nervously, I talked to much
Your eyes would prompt me to retire
But I would never let you win
I know sometimes my Achilles Heel is out to get me
The rumor is it could be you
I'd laugh to try to disconnect from all the things I hate to love
You'd try and look into my pupils and gaze into that great abyss
The dilation keeps you hooked but I could still never let you completly in
I tried to kiss you to surrender, but that's not what you've come here for
And I convincingly stare right through you and of those subtlties you wear
All that intimacy is not what I'd prayed for
I've come for something much more complex 
So what I need to do is stop deflecting, keep it real and hold you close
I wish that I could start connecting that broken little girl whom speaks in vain
Fairytales are not an option
But for some odd reason I'm starting to change my mind
The way I think is still distorted
And for you it might be a silly game
Because all these bruises keep me guarded
And all my problems shelter all my shame
And thus my soul is not yet at rest
And my heart still runs a muck
But if you have the patience for it
It might be better than you imagined

I was standing there so cold and heartless
Bitter till the better end of it
And you'd mistake me to be shallow
But I wasn't quite the girl you'd thought I'd be
I was consequently hurting, the shell of me had left me wounded
You were amused at something similar within yourself
But you swore you'd never tell
We had effortlessly scabbed our cuts with innocence
We had seemingly drifted far from discontent and selfishness
You understood me when I spoke about the damaged things that made me choke
You understood me when I laughed out loud at nothingness
I understood that little smirk of yours when you had nothing else to say
Your laugh gave it all away
I was trying to align the moon with the stars in the universe
Hoping that it would come together in time
I thought I needed more time
But then a rush of rain poured heavy floods of all the things I wish I had the courage to say
I made an effort to recollect it all so I did what I said I'd never do
And then I threw it back at you like a fast pitch from the outfield
I had asked for guidance, I had prayed for comfort
I had over analyzed, but that's what I'm good at
And so I swallowed my pride, and gave it up to fate
Then you smiled again
And I smiled back
And so for the first time in a while
I was able to admit
Sometimes its so necessary to live in foolishness
I was cautious to all, trusting of few
Suited in armor and
And ready to try it all brand new

When your heart skips a beat underneath the covers
And you love how it feels to have comfort with someone
When your spine feels a chill just because your touching
And you leave in the morning, all crooked and blushing
It might be what you think or it could be decieving
But you have to take a leap of faith and start believing

My blood boils
Though I am not easily angered
I was taught to wear a poker face so outsiders could not look in
I do strive for excellence but with me nothing is a competition
I have learned to deal with petty things
And stay true to what I want
In the end I might be placed on a pedestal
But comparisons are sometimes wrong
I do enjoy a challenge and if you dare me, I will try
Not for the sake of validation
Because I don't want to run I want to fly
Who I was and where I'm at are always forever changing
But I don't want to make a mark for all of history,
I want to be the inspiration
I want to see the world smile
When everything is upside down
I want to keep it all together
When the sky comes crashing to the ground
I want the best of both worlds
And to keep my grass so green
I'm not looking for perfection
I'm still struggling to be heard and not just seen
So in this world of searching
I am here to unmask my own disguise
Because in the land of  pretty things
I can still see right through all my own lies
Because even though I'm working on it
And I have come so very far
Its still hard to swallow that one regret
......

The sinking starts again in the pit of the stomach up to that empty heart of yours
So emotional and so attatched to possibilities of high hopes and expectations
Drowning in tears again in the darkness of your bedroom in the middle of springs moon
Blossoming with fears of losing everything in the palm of your hands
You had no chance at all because all the chances you had you threw away in daze of indecisiveness
All your insecurities flood in your bedroom as you get lost in your thoughts and forget all your promises
It was so sad, all those choices you made lead you strait to tradgedy
Both you and me,
I swear its both you and me
But your convinced that only bad things happen to you and little black rainclouds hover you in June
I'm not so sure you understand that process is only the beginning and maybe your choices are part of the magic of blind faith
So just escape to optimism

I'm not heartless or jaded or broken
Though I have been rejected a few times before
I'm still complex but I'm working on it
And all that matters is not what I've done, but what I'm doing to be better than yesterday
I'm not exactly where I wish to be just yet
I am still sensitive and protective and I admit I have doubts
I don't say sorry as much as I should, but I have my way of making ammends
I'm not lost or searching or impulsive and weak
I'm curious and interested in expanding my horizons
My imagination takes me everywhere and sometime I don't want to come back
But I still try my best to improve what I do have
I do what I can and when I fail it's a lesson
If I didn't do my best, I'll take a look at what went wrong
I'm a hopeless romantic and a dreamer in the process of making use of my life and all my potential
I can be funny, sarcastic and niave all at once
But there are times when I'm serious and all I want is respect
I earned what I have and threw away many oppurtunities
But thats the beauty of life whether I like it or not
I forgive easily and remember most things
Especially what it feels like to be hurt and left alone
I enjoy what life brings me and I've learned that I'm capable
I've found my voice and I'm not afraid to be singled out
My head holds a crown that might be too heavy
But all my burdens are mistakes that paved a path towards my successes
I was a girl but now I am a woman
And to be honest, I love who I've become
Some people like me, some may be critical
But the only opinion that matters, is the one in the mirror
I like to laugh, I like to share, I like to listen to my friends
But most importantly I love to smile, even when it's difficult and everything is falling apart
Because in the midst of rainstorm always comes a rainbow
Soon after any day now, the sun will shine on my destiny
And the puzzle of life will still make no sense at all

Broken pieces lay here on this bed of withered petals
Left to sink into the weight of emptiness
Weaping in the face of defeat for months, even years
Arrogance walked away from the only real thing that ever was
Innocent eyes plead for comfort in the mirror, all alone
But life rearranges itself into perfectness
Miscalculated steps and accidents lead to simple pleasure
As blue eyes smiled shyly first
I smiled back, for the first time in long while

What do you do when the world comes crashing down on you?
What do you think is the best way to go about it?
I don't always know what to do when it's unexpected
I just go with the rhythm of the beat of the bass drum
Feel the wind in my hair and dance to the weight of the freedom
I just let the butterflies take flight, such beautiful insight
Watch the heat of the moment ignite with the passion of magics bright light
Life is short
Life is fast
Life can be humdrum
I've seen my worst, I've tried my best and still suffer from confusion
I know my type, I know the pain
I feel insync, but I've lost my brain
All at once, I've paid my dues
Pushed my limit and had everything to lose
Such a wonderful kind of enchanted mind of being lost and being wrong
And I laugh it off with a silly smurk
A sarcastic joke because I've been hurt
And I might not be right where I want to...
But I'm where I'm at and absolutley love where I've been

It's something invisable that I'm attracted to
That lies in the sparkle that shines all around you
Some kind of wonderful, magnetic magic force
That brings me closer to you and your wide eyed open door
Something innocent that keeps me so allured
Glorious and brilliant that has my heart cured
Wont you tell me what it is about you
That keeps me glued

We almost drowned in the solitude of the nights that we cried alone
Left in inconsistancy swallowed by the fear of anxiety
The stress was just too much to handle
The pain was just too much to bare
And as we cried we panicked in flight
We wanted out but had no where to turn
The only door left open was far too out of reach for us
We hid underneath the shame of burdens
We laughed just to make light of it
But all the overwhelming waves were challenging our minds in fright
We were hopeless
Life was backwards
Seeds of beauty were planted in the dusk of our final meltdown
Our final turn around
The begnning of the end was near
As we threw our hands up in the darkness
We accepted that we had nothing left
And our defeats were taking over
Blinded by the fog of despair
Life was bad
We were lost
And all dreams were at a distance
We found faith in a ticking time bomb
All our our fears began to evaporate
Slowly
We climbed the treacherous ***** of glory
Smiled in the mirror
Danced inside the music
Began to look forward and stopped looking back
And life began to take its shape
The collage of doom began to dissapear into the shadows
And we were finally able to breathe in the freedom

Like spiders crawling underneath my skin
An unbearable sensation revealing all my deepest sin
A heavy load filled with buckets of regret
Too many sleepless nights
Too many burdens to confess
I pray to something I can not see
A force so strong it pulls me down like gravity
I wished on stars
And crossed my hopeless fingers
Held resentments with false forgiveness
And left my soul in the dusk of soiled solutions
Stuck in dilemas diagnosed with purfumes of pollution
Too many problems I'm left to conquer
All alone I'm left to suffer
Here I am but I'm no where to be found
Racing down a sidewalk on the verge of breaking down

I went under the rainbows and through the rainstorms on a little pink cloud of hope
Everyone kept telling me it was useless and hopeless and such a big waste of time
But I followed my heart and bled on my blankets and even cried myself to sleep now and then
Crossing my fingers that something would happen and this wasn't just another mistake
I might have be wrong, now that I think of it
I might have been stupid for trying to reason with the unreasonable
I might have had false hope and impossible faith
But chasing after the magic of uncertainty was all part of the journey
I was innocent and a little niave at times
But there was something that kept me fascinated
I think it was the magnatude of self pity and lust
But after all this time, I still have no regrets
Some days I want to ask why and what happened?
But I'll never have closure I truly deserve
I guess thats part of the lessoned learned;
When you live for your love and your love does you wrong
When you keep on convincing yourself that its right
When you keep on swallowing your pride in the mirror
And you pretend like its perfect when its all such a disaster
I still can't be jaded when I'm a hopeless romantic in the heat of the night
When a stranger is a temptation and its difficult to keep at a comfortable distance
Because even though my ego was burnt and my heart hurt like hell
I still love with my soul and lead with my head
And not everyone's kindness is meant to wasted
And one day I'll be loved in return
And that love is worth all the burdens I carry
And one day, is getting closer by the minute

We blanket our fears with silly defense mechanisms to shelter any shame we carry
From every angle we stand we are judged at first sight
We pretend we aren't critics but we are hypocrites everyday
As we seek the forgiveness we can't give in return
We make promises and sugar coat little white lies
As we defensively reassure the world we are mistunderstoond and unique
The truth is our narcissim reeks like bad perfume suffocating everyone around us
As we stand tall for whatever it is we believe in
It's just denial
Because inside we are tormented with insecurities and charachter defects
Inside our stomachs are fluttering with anxiety and secrets too painful to remember
Inside we are incarcerated with a plethora of misguided ghosts screaming for an escape
Inside bombs are bursting out gunshots and out hearts have bullet wounds to prove it
Our viles of happiness are never satisfied
We are always seeking more
But we are never sure what we are looking for
Some sort of accomplishment or recognition
Maybe validation
A sign that we are still breathing with a euphoria seeping out our pores into the air
A sign of greatness
Maybe we want that picture perfect dream that we fantasize about until we reassure ourselves we are lunatics for wishing
We feel debased because our choices keep the odds against us
We are incapable of managing our own lives
And maybe nothing will restore our piece of mind
It's insanity--our thoughts
I think its called delusional
Because in reality nothing goes as expected
We had learned to cope with self medication
Because all the doctors were wrong
Something had to fill our voids in our hearts
Something had to stop the brain from processing emotions
We chased after something invisible
A force that spiriled our lives down into the ground
We ran away like little children afraid of the dark
Because we thought the pain would be like daggers through our hearts
Stabbing us over and over again until we died from sufferance
The pain was too frightening to look directly in the eye
If it were easy or if there was a simplier way of figuring it out we wouldn't have wasted so many years battling the addiction that wears a shield of armor
If it were easy the grass would be green and we'd never have to water it
If it were easy we wouldn't be so sensitive to triggers and flashbacks
It's not easy
It is World War 3 every single day
There is a chip on our shoulder and a devil on the other jumping up and down eager to break us
He is whispering temptations;
Seducing us with our vices, pushing us to collapse like an avolance until we overdose
He is waiting patiently and constantly because he knows us so well
We were weak for so long and he is hungry for our failures
He wants us to throw our hands up and call it quits
And the worst part is just when we think we've won it gets worse
And we are forced to stand in the mirror and detect every flaw of imperfection we wish to erase
And then it comes back all our defense mechanisms
The way we present ourselves to the big whole wide world
Biting our lip in sufference
Haunted by a past of turmoil and depression
It is hard to communicate to those who don't understand our demons
We are looked down upon and there is another stupid burden to carry
Because everything adds up and we get tired of all the negative
We get stomped on and spit on and drug through hell
But then something clicks
And we look around the room and we realize we are not alone
We are brave, strong and somehow still alive
And there is a person to your left an another to your right starring right through you
But all you can do is hand over the keys to your self destructive behavior and pray that help is on the way
Because we are addicts batteling the same devils in different levels of the game
Because we were dealt with a bad hand
But we played with what we had
And suddenly everything was ok when we walked into the doors to our recovery
and said
Hello, I am an addict

I fall apart every now and then
Crumble down into shells of mix matched pieces
It's like the rain clouds follow me
Every right I take, I should of gone left
It's hard to face so many mixed emotions
The waves of guilt are always crashing in
Living up to people's expectations
I lose my way
Side track on little interruptions
Too many thoughts to process all at once
Temptation dangles right in front of my face
One mistake sends me back to rehab
But the reasoning is overlooked
I'm a shell, when I could of been a pearl
A dim light drowning in a sea of dust
Negativity echoing in my eardrums
But I find a way to believe
So much pressure dancing on my shoulders
And as I pray I scraped my knees
Put a smile on and breathe in deep
And to think it's just the beginning of a mountian with never ending hills
So I'll use my compass to guide me back

Sheets of shame, blankets of burdens
So many lies you tell to yourself
Quick to forgive- excuses, excuses
You are so holy, you don't need anyone's help
You need humility
I need validation
You're living someone eles dream
You need a glass of wine
I need an asprin
Not too many things are as it seem