Shallow, unforgiving dysfunctional darkness
Lurking in the crossroads between good and evil
Standing there lost, impulsive but shamed
Striking a pose of glory and false strength
I felt his troubles and pain on a Sunday night a work at the bar
I felt his accidental slipping tires screech against the pavement
Only to find he didn't want me so he left me behind at the hospital
I tried to call
But I was weak so I text my condolences
As the girl in the background that he never spoke about held as hand as he got well, or better
I'm not sure if I was capable of that
That is why the last day I saw his face I was speechless
That is why he never got the answer he was looking for
And I never got the hope that I was dying for
I was scared of truth and love
And revealing my insanity to the innocent, perfect saints
I could never face myself
It took years of crying and self loathing entries in my diary
It took self destructive behavior and God's pure indulgence to guide me
Living in regret is the worst hell
Its damaging and twisted like the thoughts that fill my heart
When it once was enchantment and hopeful and bright
Not embracing my flaws left me stranded behind
Failing
Falling
Fueling
Fearing
Fragile
If only he knew the dysfunction and the tears
If only he knew that failure made me fearless now a days
If only I could go back to seeing that amazing day
If I had another chance

I imagined karma to be more graceful like a bubble bath cleansing my misfortunes
I imagined fate to be more encouraging but every corner I turn I always hit a stop sign
I meet some people with a lot of contradictions
but in the mirror I'm masked under fears of failed attempts
I guess you could say I put on a front
But the stern looks and the cold heart have been chiseled away by the monsters of reality
I was kind long ago and willing to listen
I was free and forgiving and happy and such
I was taken from the light into the darkness and the strangers I've met sometimes understood me
We were bonded by pain and fears that we silenced
But with one look we knew, and we sometimes just laughed
I hated the fear of rejection and judgement
But I found myself bitter becoming someone I tried so hard to not become
I was on top of the world one day and falling deep in a pit below a corpse in the ground
I was cold but not from winter and faking the glory
And the strangers would listen and always disappear
I felt like a grain of sand on beach far a way
One that got stepped on and left in a picture
One that never turned into a pearl
I felt alone in a room full of people and jokers and hipsters and success
At the bottom a fish bowl empty and useless
But the strangers I've met, kept me telling my story
Kept me hoping for glory and redemption and joy
I wish I could of done more for them

I wanted a knight and shinning armor
But I learned quickly I had to be my own
I never had just one person to rely on
So I had resentments and misconceptions that begun
I wanted a shooting star to fall from heaven
Maybe erase my debts and punishments
I wanted more than anything to be a champion
But all that wishing left me lonely and indifferent
I wanted peace and forgiveness to come easy
And never ending dreams of fame
I wanted all the fortune and the glory
But I wasn't willing to work the game
If only I could put aside the bitter taste left behind
Maybe I could smile and pick the flowers in my mind
Instead of taking it out on anyone who's in my way
Maybe one day
I wanted a phenomenon to come along
And sweep me up right off my feet
I wanted a soldier with a solar touch
To keep me dancing to the beat
I wanted it all but all I have is one day
Maybe one day
Maybe
one day

Acrobats diving into a sea of exotica
Landing amongst the heroes and the renegades
They were equipped with the power of silence,
Subtle yet unafraid
And all disbelievers drown in decimals of a twisted maze
Were they casting  spells on the curious?
Or we're they the definition of what it is to be brave?
I wasn't ignorant
I was here to learn from it
It was force that lead me into the darkness just to find the light of faith and hope at the end of the tunnel
At the end of a race
After an avalanche of discouragement
I finally saw the weekly forecast of what it could be.
Partly sunny
Mainly rain
A light chill
Or a thunderstorm
I wanted more
I wanted everything
I wanted more
I had everything
I was dreamer drunk on dandelions only to find what couldn't be true
But I wanted to;
I wanted you
I was hopeless romantic with a bad attitude
With a delirious mind casting spells on you
I was entitled
You weren't having it
I wanted everything
But you wanted less from me
I was incapable, but you were everything
You had nothing
But you were my everything

No connection
A lost soul with no direction
Living on cheap words and compliments
Might as well be working on a empty stomach
I am ready for a challenge
Something that brings me hope that doesn't silence me so
Can you be there
I asked you why you are never here
You might as well be 15,000 miles in drowning sea
an epitome of what is to have a broken masterpeice
I had you wishing one day, that was long ago
Now you have me digging at a slow pace with a choke hold
I remember like it was yesterday
You remember me drunk on cheap champagne
Is it everything I thought it ever was?
Was it everything you thought it would be?
Its not like anything I ever hoped for
But it's all of everything you could ever want
You wanted half and half
I wanted whole milk
You like to drink it stiff
I like it kind of sweet
You prefer it kind of cold
And I like mine warm
At comfortable pace
But its us that is misplaced....
They say opposites attract.
I'd like to prove them wrong

Frantically falling into a sense of manic illusion
Fighting the demons of grief and abuse
I was naive and easy to turn around
But I wasn't too hollow to speak my mind
I might of needed a push or shove
You might of been wearing the ****** glove
But who is who after all those years?
Where did you run to when I shed all those tears
I should have knows that you were no good
I should of have run but I waited until I had sunken
You blame me and I blame you
You think it was all for nothing
I think you were nothing too
Why didn't I, didn't I stop myself
It was hard , you were shallow, I was lost, I was broken
But I still wish you the best
It was challenging to try to comfort you
When you were suffering, that's when I would too
The light turns green but your standing still
I watched you drink yourself like a never ending filter
I wanted to cure you, but I never knew what was the cause
I wanted to desert you, but your soul was a curse that kept me holding on
Too bad its over
Too bad I'm gone
Too bad your still alone wondering where the love has gone
I'm out of your reach
Your out of my sight
I'm so sick and tired of circles leading sideways
So sick of blaming myself for your choices
I'm so sick of bending backwards
But the one thing I know is I'm not sick of the only blessing you gave me
When I tried to break away....
You gave me the insight, the limelight, the future
And the only thing, you can never take away...

How can I forgive myself?
I let me down and I can't get up
No matter what the world thinks,
The thoughts I have keep me wide awake
How can I accept myself?
I let me down and I can never heal
There are parts of me that hate myself
No matter how much the sun shines
I'll be forever moody
I can not help myself
I tried so hard but I can't get up
No matter the joy that I bring myself
There is always disappointment settling
These scars I wear remind me of myself
The things I've done and can't take back
How do I admit to myself
There is so much more to look forward to
I don't think ahead
What I'm feeling is depressed
I can't escape the thoughts
What I'm feeling is disgust
I want it all,
But can't make it
I've fallen and I'm shaken
I want it back
But I can't go there
I'm all alone and broken
I had it all
And now I'm empty
Suppressed with all regrets
I want it back
What I would do if I could
Have it all back


There are moments when I want to disappear