let me try this one more time

                                                     i forgive you

for the bright colors you muted to pastels
for the rose thorns creating an unwanted invulnerability
for the forever creases on my once rippleless skin
my neck
my arms
my stomach
my hands
for the rusted barbed wire isolating my heart

they tell me I have your eyes
                    but, my worst fear is becoming you

is it selfish to leave
in a time of crisis
to save myself from the anxiety
to prevent the depression
if that means leaving you behind
and going somewhere else
is that selfish

i know you think i moved away because of you
this is true
i moved away
because you taught me to be independant
it hurts me that you think
i moved away for a negative reason
you are not a negative reason
you have taught me
everything
i know

when i would think about you for too long and get emotional
when i wanted to spend every minute with you
when i wanted to tell you everything
when we laughed so hard our stomaches hurt
when it became everything all at once
when i couldn't find any other words to describe how i felt
that's when i knew

today when i sat down
with a pen in my hand
the only thing i didn't
want to write about
was you
how freeing it is
to write about
a new kiss
and a new crush
to write about
my yellow shoes
my best friend
the rainstorm i made it through
how freeing it is
to not write about you

after her i thought
maybe i am
a “real” lesbian
because when i was searching
for someone new
i kept finding myself
wanting to be
in a girls arms
but that is not because
i am a lesbian
it is because
through all of my searching
i still think
i was looking for her
so when i ended up
with a boys hand
tangled in mine
his lips pressed gently
and then not so gently
against mine
i knew that
i had been looking
for her
but now
i am just looking
for me

a list of things to do "when it feels like the hands on your clock have arthritis"

1.  put on your diffuser, put in lavender essential oil, remember that this is what waiting for her smells like
2. go for a walk, but not where the two of you used to walk together, try not to think of how you two used to match your pace with every step
3. do not call her, call your best friend, do not think of how you would rather be calling her and ignoring the very people who are trying to support you
4. play music, but do not put it on shuffle, and do not think about how you would so much rather be listening to the playlist she made and then updated the day you started dating
5. write a poem, but ignore how every poem you write in the collection that has become your every day life still leads back to her
6. do not cry, you have already shed enough tears over someone who can ignore you
7. if you do start to cry, say it is because of your dad, or your work load, or because it is raining and you just have never really been able to enjoy the rain, do not admit that she has the strings to your heart and somehow you are still a puppet
8. make yourself a cup of tea, sit down, and let yourself feel, remember that even if it feels like the hands on the clock have arthritis, slow progress is still progress, you are whole and time will pass

and i remember the poem
you wrote about
yellow nail polish
and today
when i needed you
your light
your smile
your hug
your comfort
your friendship
i bought myself
a bottle of
yellow nail polish
because if i can
not be with you
at least i can
carry you in
my yellow nails

i have told the story of how you destroyed me so many times
and the funny part is
that i tell it the same way every time
but this last time that i told it
it felt different
and
i have spent a long time thinking you took up more space than you actually did
because i dedicated a whole chapter of my life to you
and for a while
that was the only chapter i was reading
but
it turns out you were just another paragraph
in the story that is my life
and
my story is my favorite book to read
so i won't let you ruin my favorite book for me
you barely deserve a page
there is no way in hell i'm giving you a chapter

i really have been trying not to make everything my problem
so when my mom called me
and she told me i should be more sympathetic rather than empathetic
i knew that she was right
but mom, it doesn't make it any easier

because mom,
you taught me to pick others up before myself, even if it made it a little harder for me to stand up
because mom,
you taught me to love with my entire being, even if it ended with a tear stained pillow and broken heart
because mom,
you taught me not to say no to a good thing, even if it meant you had to help me pick up the broken pieces in the end
because mom,
you taught me that i still need to put myself first sometimes, because loving myself is the most important
and mom,
when you called me
and you told me i should be more sympathetic rather than empathetic
i knew you were right
and i want you to know that i'm trying
but it's because i grew up my entire life watching how you always put everyone before you, even if it literally wore you to the ground
and mom,
i'll appreciate that forever

so mom,
i'll promise to try and put myself first, if you'll do the same.