Brianna

Brianna Jan 2014

It was okay to take the road less travelled yesterday. We saw the earth for the things it was really worth.

As we jumped from step to step or down fire escapes in the New York City night we fell in love.

We fell for the stars we could barley see! The clouds that covered the night as winter made it's way towards our hearts, but that would never stop us.

The cold nights may freeze our bones but they'll never take our pride or hope. The long summers may make us drowsy with lust for the warmth but they'll never keep us lazy.

You held my hands so softly last night as we walked along bridges we were quite sure where they went. We danced among the trees and the lightning bugs lit the way to freedom.

We saw earth & mother nature. We saw romance and passion in the blue skies above and the oceans below. We heard the traffic and not once did it break out spirits.

You kissed my lips and lingered ever so softly last night... And I knew what I didn't want to admit.

We were in love and it was everything.
And it was nothing.

Brianna Jan 2014

Drugs

Drowning was never an option for me so I took the long way and swam back to shore.

I could have asked for help but when you're higher than a kite what's the point? The air rushing through your hair is pure and utter ecstasy.

Every touch, every sound, every single color... Magic couldn't begin to describe how I felt.

They say it only takes one time but it took a couple times and a couple different drugs but I think I've got it now.

I kept falling faster and deeper down this rabbit hole with little to no escape and the whole world was tipsy turvy by the time I figured out I needed help.

I lost that weight finally, I also lost some friends and family along the way... But I gained a best friend, or so I thought, one who would never let me down ( literally).

I couldn't be sure if the high was enough but it felt right at the time... Everything felt so... Good...

And the time came when I realized I had to stop feeling good and get back to reality... Who knew it would feel this bad?

I dug my grave and as far as I was concerned I had laid my head down deep beneath the earth ready to lay in the bed I made...but then you came around.

You got me back up.
Told me pretty things that made me feel Better than these drugs... Which was almost (easy enough?) hard to believe.

And drowning was never an option... So I swam back to shore leaving the high to fall slowly back to earth.

I have never done drugs but just went to see a play about Crank the book and thought I would try something new! :)

Brianna Jan 2014

Fragmented monsters in the mirror

The mirror looks so twisted and I can only see the fragmented versions of the me I used to be.

I see her eyes, they once smiled with so much joy and heart, now filled with pain and a glimmer that she's barely hanging on.

I see her smile, once filled with laughter and jokes, now filled with sad secrets and a force she never had to use before.

I see her cheeks, once held lines of youth, now hold the fear of growing old and alone.

And I think about who I was and who I am as I stare at the pieces so deformed by the thoughts in my head and I wonder... Am I really that bad?

The answer is... I am not as bad as everyone tends to make me feel but I am truly not the monster I make myself out to be and I will rise above this challenge.

Brianna Jan 2014

Before growing up was cool

I want to go back to when I could curl up in bed and Disney movies would make everything feel better.
I could watch Peter Pan and feel as though Neverland was around the corner waiting for me.
As though all the princesses really got to live happily ever after and I didn't know that their lives were probably ****.
Take me back to when I didn't have bills.
Or rent.
Or work.

Take me back to when happiness was a simple crayon drawing of the sky and some grass. When stick figures were considered great art!

I want to go back to before I knew what heartbreak was. Or how hard it was falling in and out of love. Before I knew that boys meant something more than just playing dodgeball with and girls were more than just a pretty face they actually had your back.

I don't know how I ever thought being a kid was so hard when being an adult is so much harder and much more sad than being a kid ever was....

I have never felt this lonely before

Brianna Jan 2014

Take a deep breath and fly away

It feels like it should be snowing... At least that's what my favorite song said earlier and I have to agree.
You're the wind that blows from the east and I hope you're having a great winter.
I have my mind set further west towards the salty air and the ocean so deep.
Towards the city nights with traffic that makes you rethink why you moved in the first place.
My eyes are set north towards the mountains and cold windy nights.
Towards rocky beaches and bright green trees with secrets hiding behind them.
My body wants to go south with the comfort food and the warm welcoming I know I'll get.
With the humidity and the crazy accents but I know they have try spirits.
But my heart is set east towards the place I once it left in a grassy field by the lake we held hands.
In the cities we drove through I left tiny piece of it along the way and a bit never came back with me.
I know I'll never go back to that place with you but at least I'll always have a piece of my heart there as a reminder of what not to do.

Brianna Jan 2014

Thanks for playing; try again.

When you're on the verge of a breakdown everything seems so bland-- the food you eat, the people you meet, the stories you hear, and the feelings you fear.

It wasn't you're fault he fell in love with you; people can't help how they feel... And it's not your fault you loved him too.

I'm not bitter... A little tore up about myself but not about you two. You're my best friend and stuff happens.... Except this happens all the time...

It's okay that my best friend is prettier than me, charming and everything I'm not. I just wish I knew how I handle meeting someone then having her chosen immediately over me... Am I that ugly?

Am I that gross?
Am I that bad?
Uninteresting?
Completely boring?

I can't put my finger on how you chose to meet me or had some interest and the minute my best friend comes around I'm out the door.

It's okay... I'm already on the edge of jumping off this cliff.. Why not just free fall down and out this pain?

Been having a rough time trying to make everyone happy.

Brianna Jan 2014

Save the best

I heard a song that said the worst things come in threes:
You
Me
Us

I took a trip to the moon and the stars told me lovely takes about out earth below. With it's oceans so blue from the skies so grey and the clouds so white....basically we have a lot of colors. And they told me about the people on earth. With their anger, pain, and sadness and I thought about
You
Me
Us

If the worst things come in threes than the best things must also come in threes:
Loving you
Missing you
Wanting you

These stars told me of my past and the challenges I've accepted and gone through. And listening in on these stories I first thought I must be insane reading all this in the stars above but then I realized i am insane and that's okay! Because I also read that sometimes it's okay to let go of those bad things.
You
Us
Missing you
Wanting you
Loving you

I think I'll save the best for last
Me

Not sure about this one.... Trying something new