morning rays shining through blackened curtains
subtle warmth a reminder of the life ****** upon him, far from consensual
a step outside, the bitter chill freezing his lungs, a painful bliss attacking his insides, but full of comfort
hope draining day by day, an hourglass of optimism crumbling with every passing second, a catalyst set in motion to propel him further into his delusions, dark thoughts always floating just out of reach

back inside the hollow room, his silhouetted attempt to create a home nothing more than a feeding ground of negativity ready to breach his innermost consciousness, the forced leaving a war ravaged landscape of pain and suffering in its wake.
the shaking insufferable, the craving for those drugs clawing through his body, ripping him apart from the inside.
dropping the candy to his tongue, followed by the burning chaser washing down any regrets he could have fathomed in this moment, a sense of normalcy falling upon him, a temporary sanity in a chaotic mind
vision blurring, prepared to enter the Oasis that calls his name, things turn to nothingness.
slowly opening his eyes again, the sun still shining high above, but no warmth to be felt, replaced by an emptiness accompanied by irrational anger, his concisouness on the cusp of defeat, demons crashing through barriers tearing apart any hope for salvation left inside, losing control, adding another hole to the wall, New marks signifying another passing day.
blood covering shattered hands, pain the only thing he can feel, a twisted smile creeping along his cheeks, a sudden contentment engulfing his mind.

i'm fine

two words covering the fact that everything inside is falling apart
the bags under his eyes, the shaking that never seems to stop, the words coming out as nothing more than a whisper that everyone else associates as his normal tone
all indications of the lies those two words hold.

but nobody ever asks more.
they take the words at face value, turning things into something new to avoid any further communication
drowning him in his own thoughts, screaming on the inside while his facade protects the exterior

every day the bottles stacking up, his "friends" seeing him as the one they can go to for fun
but this isn't fun to him, it is his way of escape.
hiding it behind a party attitude, always pulling people together to have a good time while internally he is a shattered mirror reflecting all the wrongs of his past, the people he's let down, the people he's hurt.
but how can he be alone when surrounded by people?

that question lingers for an eternity, an answer never to come
but even with his closest friends, the burning in his throat as he swallows another shot, the only thing he can feel.
the laughter of his peers from the jokes he makes, the only thing keeping him from drowning. but even with all the voices, connections, and presences of these friends
he feels helpless.
alone.
terrified.

the switch in his mind teetering on the edge of bliss and insanity, the demons ravaging the innermost workings of his brain
the sunshine nothing more than a firework, bringing color and joy for seconds until it fades dragging him back to the solemn darkness that swallows him whole.

but nobody knows.
nobody cares.
how can he explain what goes on in his mind when he doesn't even know himself?
the constantly refreshing images in his head thrusting desires uncontrollable.
self sabatoge his new found obsession, what is the point in finding something to make him happy when in the end it all gathers into a larger basin of agonizing solitude.

driven by fear and hatred, a much more sinister provocation than the image he portrays to others. constantly fighting a war within himself
knowing there is never a winner in war, only heartbreak and travesty.
one day everything will be a memory, or more specifically in memory.
the idea of suicide just a house of cards waiting to be built and toppled by one strong strong gust of wind, or one wrong move.
and he is prepared, for years he has resolved himself in solace knowing the end will come.

never having been afraid of death, more so welcoming it as if it was a friend he once knew, re-connecting as if it was nothing more than grabbing a coffee and catching up.
eagerly awaiting that reunion growing more and more impatient.

but still his facade never falters, never allowing that mask to drop to release the true feelings pent up, begging for release. those words i'm fine, a double edged sword. placating the curious minds, while slicing away at the fabric in his mind keeping him stable.

one i'm fine at a time, tearing him apart from the inside
he waits
until the last string is cut that holds him together
until that house is built
and that gust finally brings him home.

another night
another demon surfacing to wreak havoc upon his tormented mind
scouring every inch of that barren hellscape
every night a new attempt to break him beyond repair

but each morning he wakes
draws on his smile with permanent marker
blinding the outside world to his own selfish realm of perdition
because he knows, as soon as the words flow off the tip off his tongue, he begins to burden another.

instead he never realized
even permanent marker fades eventually,
and in that instant his walls broke
collapsing, the silence of his room his only solace
his cries for help drowned out with the monotonous ringing inside his own mind

his cries awakening the fiends once more
the agonized screams, a rapture to the iniquitous occupants
with squeals of delight they rush forward
sensing their assured victory, pushing with all their might

overcome with the onslaught breaking down all resolve left inside him
the burning inside his throat the only thing he can feel
looking at his hands, still clutching the bottle

rage building in his veins he slams it to the the wall
the shattering mirroring the walls inside his mind

with one final attempt, the evil cacophony,
words from years of torment

eyes blinded by rage and hatred
coursing through his body
every flaw coming to light.
no counter for the truth brought to the forefront of his ravaged mind
tears streaming down his face, the boy with no strength left
and as suddenly as the hordes of darkness assaulted

they vanished

left in silence

his ragged breaths the only sound left

interrupted by droplets
looking down in terror he sees the aftermath

shards of glass cover the floor, creating constellations of shimmering light

all stained a Crimson hue

with one final look down he sees opened veins, blood pouring to the floor
a comforting cold rushing his body

he falls

the final piece of the puzzle, the last shard of glass
falling in line, finishing the riddle he's faced for years
as his vision fades, he sees his true purpose in this life

was death.

he breaths through corrupted lungs
every thought in his mind a constant war with one ultimate goal
complete eradication of all sense of joy.

the heat of the smoke down his throat is the sage burning away the darkening thoughts, creating a rapture in his fragile mind

but when the haze clears, and he wakes again
his head an open battlefield, war ravaged thoughts with no survivors


one last look towards the future which is nothing but a bleak existence he has no desire to be a part of

with 5 in the chamber to his head, his constant struggle looking to end with this reverse game of Russian roulette

pulling the trigger

click.

with a sigh he breaths out, wondering where it all went wrong, and squeezes again.

her voice is like a subtle call, always bringing him back to the edge
no matter how far he stretches, it will never be enough
the memories of her breath on his neck
her hands pressed against his chest
her body entwined with his full of nothing but passion and love

he recedes, trying to hide from the lure she controls
her small messages, silent calls, and the vivid memories all coming together sinking him back to square one

the moment he starts to forget
the moment he starts to move on
is the moment she strikes again
physically, mentally, or in his own head
it all ends the same

he sees her in his newest admiration
compares the new to the perfect version of her that he painted in his heart
sets the standard far above what is humanly achievable
nobody other than aphrodite herself could ever hope to reach

except her.

and so when the memories flood
and her call beckons him to loneliness
he can't resist, putting the finishing touches on the mural in his mind
her small hands entwined with his
her breath as she lays beside him
her lips pressed to his

all memories, but a reality in his mind
and as they become all he can imagine
he realizes his mistake moments too late

that he's right back where he started
the mental prison, unable to move on

and above his cell, her name in bold letters carved into the walls
the walls that can never break
stretching across his heart
preventing any from entering, or escaping

and that's just what she wants
and he always made it clear
that whatever she wanted

she got.

in the end all he had was himself,
even that's not true

what he didn't know was that in loving her he would lose himself,
no longer able to put the pieces together of the puzzle inside of him

looking at the mirror, it's unrecognizable

just the reflection of a stranger staring back with hollow eyes.


he sees her living happily, a new boy, and with all the pain inside he still wishes nothing but the best
but he knows she will have to keep those memories

just as he does, vividly running through his mind like a movie stuck on replay

the good

the bad

now he sees her in everyone he looks at

compares the next girl to what was his life.
ripping him apart, nobody could ever compare

the guard on his heart now an unbreakable shell, blocking anyone from entering or escaping
still painting the perfect image of her inside of him.
just another unattainable standard for the next to fail to reach

and in the end
he is left with nothing,
just those hollow eyes.
that unbreaking shell.
and impossible comparisons.

her presence next to him
her warmth as she lays her head on his chest
her breathing a comfort in the silence
her hair strewn across him caressing his body

he smiles, the comfort he feels is unlike any other
contentment filling his body
he realizes this is happiness
she is his happiness
the passion he feels out weighing any negative emotions cascading upon him

his life slowly playing out in his head
he sees the future, he sees smiles, laughter, love

but in a sick twist of fate that future is shattered replaced with nothing but a mirror shattering in slow motion
the pieces falling as if gravity was taken away
like feathers falling he sees each piece drift to the ground

in those pieces he distinguishes memories
some happy, some sad, but all bringing about the same emotion

devastation

he reaches for the falling shards only to be cut over and over
the blood pouring out of his skin, dripping onto pages spelling out words he never spoke into existence
hands trembling as he reads page after page

every feeling, every emotion he never had the strength and capability to express
all smeared in a Crimson tone, marking the book of his life
as he turns each page, the warmth of his own life bleeding out reaches him

and in that moment knows true warmth for fleeting seconds

replaced by black.

he sits on the ledge, legs dangling over a void he sees as nothing but an escape,
the tendrils of darkness grasping his soul attempting to drag him forward

clinging to the little sparks left inside he sits frozen, like a statue, an eternity to process the roar of thoughts assaulting his consciousness with a ferocity few could ever hope to withstand

slowly inching forward feeling the solidity of the ledge beneath him slipping away as the darkness wraps him in an embrace of alleviation.

at the very edge he closes his eyes

the flood of thoughts slowing, seeing the ones he loves most, his biggest supporters, all floating to the forefront of his mind, as a warmth he is more than unaccustomed to and one fluid motion he slips back, standing at the ledge, staring back at the darkness still calling to him

he walks away. a hint of a smile tracing the edges of his mouth. he won. he is free. he is alive.

the problem with trust is you can take so much time to build it up but with one simple action all of it comes crashing back down to square one

all the good intentions and innocent actions crumbling away with one simple lie, starting simply as a drop of doubt growing ever onward becoming a roaring sea of distrust and paranoia

the true question is whether that lie was worth ripping apart the house you built, tearing down the structure bringing it crashing down in a whirlwind of debris destroying everything once standing

poisoning the thoughts of the one you supposedly care about, tainting their mind with endless questions with answers never to be shared, and when those worries come out you act as if you did no wrong, the perfect person that you play yourself out to be when there is no such thing

without trust there is nothing, and without you they now have something, a chance to connect and build with someone new, letting them do what you couldn't and showing they are worth more than you made them feel, but with trust already broken they fight a battle harder than any struggles brought before

and it's all because of you.

he sips

feeling that burning sensation tickling the back of his throat,
feeling the fire that fuels all of his crippling desires,
that desire to be loved, and to love.

the smoke just mixes, slowly destroying his body from inside out
becoming a catalyst for the process that so many others are afraid of.

not him

he welcome's that outcome and cherishes the thoughts of when it finally comes,

leaving him alone, in silence and nothingness

finally somewhere to call his own where trust will never be an issue
and so he sips.

losing himself in the potion to forget how the smoke destroys his lungs and body

and slowly as he dies, finally feeling the same way on the outside that he does inside, he smiles, thinking absolutely nothing.

it builds you up just to break you down, carrying you over the clouds, soaring through the skies of euphoria just to bring you crashing through the pavement broken, beaten and abused

it offers you a temporary happiness with the cost of a void that will never be filled again, striking the same chords as a deal with the devil

a strong bond between two inseparable people, reduced to nothing but strangers who know each others darkest secrets and their whole being

the hourglass ticking from first sight, counting the seconds until that last speck of sand falls through to unleash the whirlwind of chaos, pain and disappointment

the pain causing walls to be built, and a cold bitterness to seep in through the cracks, destroying the once joyous and innocent mind laying inside that hollow skull

and just when the cold starts to dissipate, the warmth beginning to peak over the horizon again, the mind comes back, full swing ready to begin anew

just to start the cycle over, the hourglass ticking, the walls building higher until there's no way for that warmth to ever push through to dispense the bitter chill left inside

and that, is love.

the garden of eden, spread before him seemed like a limitless expanse of paradise

roses blossomed left and right, their beauty and scent unrivaled by any of the many wonders of the world

stretching over the horizons, stuck in awe he gazes, taking in the view that he knows will restrict him from viewing anything else with such admiration

until she appeared, even Venus paled in comparison to the allure she possessed, his heart was struck upon sight

they sat together, among the garden, plucking the roses from the ground in vain attempts to show devotion to one another, until it was time

with a strong breeze, stronger than any gust of wind he'd ever experienced she was ripped from him, taken away without so much as a goodbye

as he turns back to the garden, the change was subtle, the roses slightly smaller, before his eyes he watched as each rose wilted and died, mimicking the feelings he held inside his heart, until they were nothing more than stems with hollow shells.

he lays awake, the ticking of a clock his only companion, until it comes, tossing and turning, thoughts ravaging through him, encasing his mind in a form of prison akin to the likes of Alcatraz, few escape the clutches of darkness putting his happiness in a cell, stuck in isolation in the deepest crevice of his own head

thoughts of the ones he trusted most, drifting to the forefront all starting off with joy and enthusiastic laughter, ending the same way they did in reality.

a knife in the back, a downpour of deceit, and unforgivable actions, all ripping through him as if he was thrown in a lions den, being torn apart at the seams by the mouth of majestic beauty and feral strength

the bitter cold coursing through him, rendering the warmth of happiness a miracle at very best, he's past the point of praying for the thoughts to subside, such an action brings about nothing but empty words calling out in the night with nobody to answer

after hours stretching into an eternity, as if the guards of his mental prison grow more compassion than anyone has ever shown him, the cell opens, the warmth floods through him, rejuvenating him in such a way to finally expel the darkness flooding his mind, he drifts off, accompanied by dreams, where the darkness lurks, as if waiting for the perfect moment, entrapping him all over again in unimaginable hell.

every morning he wakes up, already dreading the coming day, the sun barely starting to rise he feels the onset of darkness creating the horizon in his mind, scrambling to catch his bearings and prepare himself for another war inside his own mind

he steels himself, awaiting the onslaught of thoughts assaulting his mental barriers, which consist of nothing but a futile attempt to ward off the storm of darkness pressing ever onward crashing into those barriers reducing them to nothing but scattered fragments of strength which alone are nothing more than a faint glimpse of hope

wondering if today will finally be the day, he continues to struggle to resist the temptations the darkness calls him to, calling him to an eternal darkness he can make into his own utopia where the sun never shines, but he has a false control keeping him content

realizing too late, the blade to his wrist already piercing skin and painting a dark version of tic tac toe along his veins, the x marks the spot, the blood pooling out of him as if he were nothing but a faucet stuck on, struggling to control the damage already done he wraps himself up in a panicked attempt to stem the flow already rushing onto the floor

but nothing could be done, the voices in his head nothing but a menacing laughter growing louder as his vision blurs, tears dripping down, as the edges of his vision darken, as suddenly as the darkness crept in, it recedes leaving him with nothing but a hollow skull, vision fading, the silence coursing through him, until he collapses becoming the darkness he was promised.

support was the only thing separating him from keeping afloat and going down crashing under the waves ******* him into the abysmal chasm rendering anything caught in its clutches effectively useless

given hope he finds the strength to push on, step after step building himself back up, finding out who he truly is, dedication to success and glory all that fills his mind

but since that initial spark of support, what once was a wildfire burning so fierce nothing could penetrate it, was now barely more than embers in a torrential downpour, threatening to suffocate and extinguish that flame keeping him going

when that drop connected that flame died, and with that flame he did as well, thrown down the chamber of hell he was confident he could avoid, recklessly thrown around inside his own head as if he were nothing more than a chew toy used by a puppy starting to teeth trying with all its might to rip it into the tiniest pieces turning it into nothing but a sad co existence that can never be fully recovered

even when a new group pours gasoline on that flame, attempting to burn away all which thought to cool the embers of the once unparalleled fire, the heat does nothing more than graze the droplets, before extinguishing once again, torn at the seams, dulling to nothing more than a spark, and like nighttime in an overgrown forest, the flame dies, leaving nothing but darkness.

her name stands out on each breath of wind that whispers across him

silent to others but to him it screams, engulfing him

until he's nothing but a mindless slave striving to show her perfection when there is no such thing

he screams her name, expelling all the force he can, mustering up the words calling her back to him as if she had left hours ago but he only just found his voice.

she hears him, the sound is nothing but a silent ripple across a cacophony of names ripping through her

she recedes, into her sanity which left in its wake lies hollow eyes and a broken mind.

he saw it coming but nothing prepared him, his mind torn apart, emotions at a constant war threatening to eradicate all which stands in his mind, but just like that, with a snap of her fingers

and one simple word

he's mindless again, striving for perfection.

the words she utters cause nothing but a seething anger boiling inside of you threatening to bubble over the edge and burn you alive

sitting across from her unstable frame you feel more alone than you've felt in weeks

wishing you could disappear and forget everything and everyone

but you can't

you're stuck in this abyss,

sinking faster every day, plummeting into the darkness that's taken over your mind thrusting you deeper into that pit you know you'll never crawl your way out of

so you live on, buried beneath the thoughts controlling your mind, different, but still the same

empty and hollow following the routine you stick yourself to because you know nothing else, forgetting the feeling of joy and happiness replacing it with a cycle of regret and disappointment

finally with nothing left to give you let go,

burying the feelings with bottles, popping open the container and devouring the contents without a second thought, you feel your insides being ripped apart like a small child seeing his gifts on Christmas morning  

after what feels like an eternity it stops, you feel nothing as the night closes in, everything is still, your mind peaceful, as the silence drones on you feel a sense of contentment, you smile, as the darkness follows.

the clock is ticking

he feels the time fading away like his memories as he drinks another.

the burning down his throat the closest he's come to feeling in months
but even that fades to a dull nothingness that he's associated as normal.

on sunny days he doesn't feel the warmth,
when it rains he doesn't feel the downpour,
every day the same, each hour set to a strict routine all ending the same way,

another bottle down but always prepared pulling the next from the drawer
cracking the top before he knows it he's tipping it back trying to get to the bottom as if the key to happiness was attached to it

but that happiness never comes, it's fleeting touches are mere flitters of an existence before the darkness had touched him

all these bottles he uses to try to get to that key at the bottom just add up, collecting silently to the point seeing them just pushes him to forget in the only way he knows how,

another bottle,

until finally he runs out, he throws the last empty bottle with the rest, grabs his keys and drives to feed his corrupted sense of bliss

halfway there before he realizes, it lights are shining on him as he sits paralyzed like a deer in headlights, he doesn't feel the impact but more so watches the lights flash and disappear, the sounds of shattering glass and airbags nothing more than an excited gust of wind rippling through his body

the sirens disrupting the silence he was content to accept, he looks around seeing the carnage around him and can't even feel a sense of remorse, he drifts off, feeling the shaking of the paramedics who know there's nothing they can do, the sirens fade, the lights dim, and everything goes silent.

he feels the pull of an imaginary force
desperately ripping into him like a bitter night chill

as he escapes the dark thoughts in his mind just to be caught right back in the clutches of the part of his head that push him to the edge

he sees her

a light at the end of the tunnel

salvation

he runs, calling her name in an attempt to get to her faster

her back turned, her hair flowing like a goddess standing on Mount Olympus
he reaches for her only to grasp nothing but the rushing air as he's pulled back farther into the darkness

again and again he tries to no avail, he can't reach her but he can't stop trying

he falls

defeated

he knows his time to fight has come to an end, he can't even stand, so with head in hands he closes his eyes accepting the night

as it envelopes him he finds the strength to stand

he looks to her

he pushes, harder than he ever thought possible and he reaches
his hands grasp her shoulders and as she turns
that deadly cigarette smile, locking him up like a criminal sent to a maximum security prison

she reaches to him

both hands on his chest she looks up at him, smiling menacingly into his eyes
she pushes him, sending him farther into the dark than he ever got caught before
he glances back to see nothing but shadow fleeting

and everything goes black

the flickering flame of a candle stands burning brightly against the pitch black walls of his room

feeling nothing running his hands over that flame hoping, just hoping that maybe he can feel the warmth or even the pain
but again, day after day the feelings never come back, try as he might he can't fix himself

going numb to every feeling and emotion, a broken and hollow shell, his headphones in just going from point A to B
surviving each day by barely containing the thoughts he holds at bay, but eventually as they always do,
they creep in

consuming his thoughts and his mind,
slowly over time everything starts to get darker

those voices in his head telling him the things he didn't have the heart to believe before

useless, a waste, disappointment, worthless, better off dead

all these words sticking to him like a memory that just won't fade
until finally he gives in, he let's his walls down and let's all the thoughts roam freely

he sees himself sinking into an abyss, the waves rolling over the surface just out of reach, tumbling under the currents,
the Crack and flash of the barrel of his dad's old gun,
and finally he sees one that feels like more than a memory

he sees himself stepping off the ledge of the highest point he can find, falling freely
and finally he feels something,

a sense of content washes through him, seeing the concrete rising up fast,

it all goes black.

he was stuck in an everlasting wasteland
one of the few able to see the real evils of the world
the evils that destroy and ravage even the most innocent and kind hearted
attacking their fickle minds like a vulture on the hunt
ripping through skin to pick apart everything they keep hidden inside
feasting on the weak until they are nothing but an empty shell of themselves
left dormant, abandoned, hoping for the light
but the light they want is a light easily attainable through a cold barrel and that bright white light flashing against a blackend sky
making them finally feel at peace with the world around them
laying as part of that very world finally able to escape the horrors experienced
decomposing in one final effort to do some good in this hell people call life
while others were smiling, and laughing inside and out
he was putting a facade and knowing he was already dead long before the light enveloped him
but those same vultures who ripped him apart and broke him down
pretending to be eagles flying proud and standing for the very boy they pushed over the edge.

the silence is deafening

the tendrils of words you wish to hear spoken but get nothing other than those glistening eyes staring right at you like you're nothing but a sad movie ending she just can't move past

you hope to hear something back, just one word but all you hear is that silence,
it screams louder than anything you've ever heard

because you can't hear it

it radiates within you, pulling at the very fibers keeping you together and slowly pulling them apart like a seamstress starting over on a sweater she couldn't get just right

it rumbles like the sound of the limitless expanse of the roaring ocean tides
drowning out anything other than the subtle breaths catching like a kid left in the cold for too long starting to sniffle and wheeze

you wish you could say something

anything to end this awful torment but even your words come out as nothing but a silent whisper

heard by nobody

you don't believe in a God but you pray for some sort of noise to come along and cause a ripple in this ****** up game of statues where you mimic each other
both desperately clinging to the little sanity left inside while internally you're breaking and you can feel piece by piece falling apart

just like the window on your neighbors old house when you threw that ball a little too hard

or when she said I love you for the first time and you felt the walls of your barrier crumbling away

replaced by a feeling you could never get enough of

until it stopped

she said it less

you're walls rebuilt

the distance becoming immeasurable
willing those walls to just come down
setting up demolition at the bottom of every nook and crevice of that ******* wall, trying to do the same to them as they did the Berlin wall

but after the smoke and ash clear from your mind you realize

that wall has now doubled, standing higher than you could ever reach past
completely isolating you in a way you never felt possible

and that was the moment you noticed most just how much

the silence is deafening.