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Bradyn McCall Apr 22
the waves of thoughts crashing against his mind like a chaotic ocean destroying everything in its path
corroding away at mental barriers held in place by mere fibers of hope
torn away at the seams at the utter strength brought about by these waves of negative torment ripping through his mind
slowly drowning any chance of happiness
gasping for air on the inside
while outside he laughs, his friends unable to see the war ravaging his mind
the battle being fought with casualties insurmountable
every joyous thought laying dead on the hellish landscape that is his brain

his laugh, seeming genuine when in reality it's nothing more than a facade erected to ward off the possibility of an opportunity to open up to others

a defense

which in turn is an offense against himself
leading to more attacks on his mind, shame becoming the catalyst to full eradication of any hope he has left
ripping through him like a tornado, shattering the windows in his mind that give him views of a purpose in this life
sending every standing tree keeping his idea of beauty alive
crashing to the ground
creating cracks too deep to fix
letting the darkness seep in
soaking his mind until it fills
the void he's felt, now filled with a hatred that can never be reversed
and before he can't mount a counter attack he feels the tightening
the rope around his neck taught
the viscious snap the last sound to pierce his ears
and all went black.
Bradyn McCall Dec 2020
losing interests in the things that kept him going
solutions and alternatives a neverending stampede of constantly changing impulses fueling desires to outdo himself at every turn
days of writing, smiling and talking nothing more than a distant memory
turned to drinking and drugs to cope with the torment thrown at his mind threshing to rip apart every sense of happiness ever conceived
but even that has an end
the alcohol burning his throat yet the effect weakens with each sip
the smoke attacking his lungs nothing more than an annoyance designed to cope
searching for adrenaline
something to make the hollow skull he carries around feel a little semblance of life

Crimson staining the floor, the newest addition to a self destructive addiction dragging him closer to his ultimate goal but farther from the bliss he needs
a bullet in the chamber the click sending shock through his body, a drug that could never be replicated
the new Era of intrigue assaulting the forefront of his mind with a craving to try more

scars covering his body, the feeling still the same as it was the very first time, blood now covering the floor, but no regret to wash away the stains
one beautiful in the chamber, ready to go staring in the mirror for a moment reveling in the mindset, knowing the end is mere seconds away
no fear, no regrets, a smile blazened across his cheeks, boyish delight fueling his muscles to cooperate.

slowly constricting, the cold metal screaming against his temple, but that click never came
only silence.
Bradyn McCall Dec 2020
morning rays shining through blackened curtains
subtle warmth a reminder of the life ****** upon him, far from consensual
a step outside, the bitter chill freezing his lungs, a painful bliss attacking his insides, but full of comfort
hope draining day by day, an hourglass of optimism crumbling with every passing second, a catalyst set in motion to propel him further into his delusions, dark thoughts always floating just out of reach

back inside the hollow room, his silhouetted attempt to create a home nothing more than a feeding ground of negativity ready to breach his innermost consciousness, the forced leaving a war ravaged landscape of pain and suffering in its wake.
the shaking insufferable, the craving for those drugs clawing through his body, ripping him apart from the inside.
dropping the candy to his tongue, followed by the burning chaser washing down any regrets he could have fathomed in this moment, a sense of normalcy falling upon him, a temporary sanity in a chaotic mind
vision blurring, prepared to enter the Oasis that calls his name, things turn to nothingness.
slowly opening his eyes again, the sun still shining high above, but no warmth to be felt, replaced by an emptiness accompanied by irrational anger, his concisouness on the cusp of defeat, demons crashing through barriers tearing apart any hope for salvation left inside, losing control, adding another hole to the wall, New marks signifying another passing day.
blood covering shattered hands, pain the only thing he can feel, a twisted smile creeping along his cheeks, a sudden contentment engulfing his mind.
Bradyn McCall Nov 2020
why am I like this
the question he asks himself every minute of every day
the flaws in his mind
the imperfections on his body
all the scars
the marks
the silence in his words
the pain in his eyes

why am I alive
the second question to cycle through his neverending stream of questions never to be answered
not even a feeble effort of a half assed answer coming to mind
no positives to continuing this hell of pain and regret on repeat
like your favorite record, scratched and stuck in one position for the rest of eternity
never going forward
only back

why don't I just end it?
the first question he finally has an answer to
an easy solution for the first time in his life

I will.
he says aloud knowing there is nobody around to hear him
and if there was who would care?
why don't I swallow these pills
why don't I finish this drink
why don't I load the gun with 6 in the chamber playing his favorite version of Russian roulette
one with no loser
a final answer to the prominent questions

why don't I?
no pain, no anger
no hurt, no pressure
and with the gun to his head one final question
attacking the surface of his mind
like a trapped animal fighting for survival

why didn't I do this sooner.
and he pulls.
Bradyn McCall Nov 2020
i'm fine

two words covering the fact that everything inside is falling apart
the bags under his eyes, the shaking that never seems to stop, the words coming out as nothing more than a whisper that everyone else associates as his normal tone
all indications of the lies those two words hold.

but nobody ever asks more.
they take the words at face value, turning things into something new to avoid any further communication
drowning him in his own thoughts, screaming on the inside while his facade protects the exterior

every day the bottles stacking up, his "friends" seeing him as the one they can go to for fun
but this isn't fun to him, it is his way of escape.
hiding it behind a party attitude, always pulling people together to have a good time while internally he is a shattered mirror reflecting all the wrongs of his past, the people he's let down, the people he's hurt.
but how can he be alone when surrounded by people?

that question lingers for an eternity, an answer never to come
but even with his closest friends, the burning in his throat as he swallows another shot, the only thing he can feel.
the laughter of his peers from the jokes he makes, the only thing keeping him from drowning. but even with all the voices, connections, and presences of these friends
he feels helpless.

the switch in his mind teetering on the edge of bliss and insanity, the demons ravaging the innermost workings of his brain
the sunshine nothing more than a firework, bringing color and joy for seconds until it fades dragging him back to the solemn darkness that swallows him whole.

but nobody knows.
nobody cares.
how can he explain what goes on in his mind when he doesn't even know himself?
the constantly refreshing images in his head thrusting desires uncontrollable.
self sabatoge his new found obsession, what is the point in finding something to make him happy when in the end it all gathers into a larger basin of agonizing solitude.

driven by fear and hatred, a much more sinister provocation than the image he portrays to others. constantly fighting a war within himself
knowing there is never a winner in war, only heartbreak and travesty.
one day everything will be a memory, or more specifically in memory.
the idea of suicide just a house of cards waiting to be built and toppled by one strong strong gust of wind, or one wrong move.
and he is prepared, for years he has resolved himself in solace knowing the end will come.

never having been afraid of death, more so welcoming it as if it was a friend he once knew, re-connecting as if it was nothing more than grabbing a coffee and catching up.
eagerly awaiting that reunion growing more and more impatient.

but still his facade never falters, never allowing that mask to drop to release the true feelings pent up, begging for release. those words i'm fine, a double edged sword. placating the curious minds, while slicing away at the fabric in his mind keeping him stable.

one i'm fine at a time, tearing him apart from the inside
he waits
until the last string is cut that holds him together
until that house is built
and that gust finally brings him home.
Bradyn McCall Nov 2020
he faces each day, a smile stuck to his face as if it never fades
always saying he's fine but it's been months since those words held any semblance of truth
the smile only a facade to ward off the onslaught of curiosity from those he wishes to keep content
meanwhile the wasteland that is his mind is nothing short of a playground for dark thoughts
each demon in his mind dominating a portion of his mind
forcing thoughts that he always has but surpressed to keep his sanity intact
with the end in sight
the voices of dark screaming words he can't escape
the blade to his wrist already drawing blood
a Crimson paint staining the floor, an irreversible action
and in this moment he feels relief
as things fade to black, a smile grows. a genuine smile that hasn't been seen in years
and as quickly as it appears it fades
replaced with sunken eyes staring into the void, calling upon safety as if it was something to be found
as his vision dims
engulfed in darkness
Bradyn McCall Sep 2020
another night
another demon surfacing to wreak havoc upon his tormented mind
scouring every inch of that barren hellscape
every night a new attempt to break him beyond repair

but each morning he wakes
draws on his smile with permanent marker
blinding the outside world to his own selfish realm of perdition
because he knows, as soon as the words flow off the tip off his tongue, he begins to burden another.

instead he never realized
even permanent marker fades eventually,
and in that instant his walls broke
collapsing, the silence of his room his only solace
his cries for help drowned out with the monotonous ringing inside his own mind

his cries awakening the fiends once more
the agonized screams, a rapture to the iniquitous occupants
with squeals of delight they rush forward
sensing their assured victory, pushing with all their might

overcome with the onslaught breaking down all resolve left inside him
the burning inside his throat the only thing he can feel
looking at his hands, still clutching the bottle

rage building in his veins he slams it to the the wall
the shattering mirroring the walls inside his mind

with one final attempt, the evil cacophony,
words from years of torment

eyes blinded by rage and hatred
coursing through his body
every flaw coming to light.
no counter for the truth brought to the forefront of his ravaged mind
tears streaming down his face, the boy with no strength left
and as suddenly as the hordes of darkness assaulted

they vanished

left in silence

his ragged breaths the only sound left

interrupted by droplets
looking down in terror he sees the aftermath

shards of glass cover the floor, creating constellations of shimmering light

all stained a Crimson hue

with one final look down he sees opened veins, blood pouring to the floor
a comforting cold rushing his body

he falls

the final piece of the puzzle, the last shard of glass
falling in line, finishing the riddle he's faced for years
as his vision fades, he sees his true purpose in this life

was death.
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