morning rays shining through blackened curtains
subtle warmth a reminder of the life ****** upon him, far from consensual
a step outside, the bitter chill freezing his lungs, a painful bliss attacking his insides, but full of comfort
hope draining day by day, an hourglass of optimism crumbling with every passing second, a catalyst set in motion to propel him further into his delusions, dark thoughts always floating just out of reach

back inside the hollow room, his silhouetted attempt to create a home nothing more than a feeding ground of negativity ready to breach his innermost consciousness, the forced leaving a war ravaged landscape of pain and suffering in its wake.
the shaking insufferable, the craving for those drugs clawing through his body, ripping him apart from the inside.
dropping the candy to his tongue, followed by the burning chaser washing down any regrets he could have fathomed in this moment, a sense of normalcy falling upon him, a temporary sanity in a chaotic mind
vision blurring, prepared to enter the Oasis that calls his name, things turn to nothingness.
slowly opening his eyes again, the sun still shining high above, but no warmth to be felt, replaced by an emptiness accompanied by irrational anger, his concisouness on the cusp of defeat, demons crashing through barriers tearing apart any hope for salvation left inside, losing control, adding another hole to the wall, New marks signifying another passing day.
blood covering shattered hands, pain the only thing he can feel, a twisted smile creeping along his cheeks, a sudden contentment engulfing his mind.

i'm fine

two words covering the fact that everything inside is falling apart
the bags under his eyes, the shaking that never seems to stop, the words coming out as nothing more than a whisper that everyone else associates as his normal tone
all indications of the lies those two words hold.

but nobody ever asks more.
they take the words at face value, turning things into something new to avoid any further communication
drowning him in his own thoughts, screaming on the inside while his facade protects the exterior

every day the bottles stacking up, his "friends" seeing him as the one they can go to for fun
but this isn't fun to him, it is his way of escape.
hiding it behind a party attitude, always pulling people together to have a good time while internally he is a shattered mirror reflecting all the wrongs of his past, the people he's let down, the people he's hurt.
but how can he be alone when surrounded by people?

that question lingers for an eternity, an answer never to come
but even with his closest friends, the burning in his throat as he swallows another shot, the only thing he can feel.
the laughter of his peers from the jokes he makes, the only thing keeping him from drowning. but even with all the voices, connections, and presences of these friends
he feels helpless.
alone.
terrified.

the switch in his mind teetering on the edge of bliss and insanity, the demons ravaging the innermost workings of his brain
the sunshine nothing more than a firework, bringing color and joy for seconds until it fades dragging him back to the solemn darkness that swallows him whole.

but nobody knows.
nobody cares.
how can he explain what goes on in his mind when he doesn't even know himself?
the constantly refreshing images in his head thrusting desires uncontrollable.
self sabatoge his new found obsession, what is the point in finding something to make him happy when in the end it all gathers into a larger basin of agonizing solitude.

driven by fear and hatred, a much more sinister provocation than the image he portrays to others. constantly fighting a war within himself
knowing there is never a winner in war, only heartbreak and travesty.
one day everything will be a memory, or more specifically in memory.
the idea of suicide just a house of cards waiting to be built and toppled by one strong strong gust of wind, or one wrong move.
and he is prepared, for years he has resolved himself in solace knowing the end will come.

never having been afraid of death, more so welcoming it as if it was a friend he once knew, re-connecting as if it was nothing more than grabbing a coffee and catching up.
eagerly awaiting that reunion growing more and more impatient.

but still his facade never falters, never allowing that mask to drop to release the true feelings pent up, begging for release. those words i'm fine, a double edged sword. placating the curious minds, while slicing away at the fabric in his mind keeping him stable.

one i'm fine at a time, tearing him apart from the inside
he waits
until the last string is cut that holds him together
until that house is built
and that gust finally brings him home.

another night
another demon surfacing to wreak havoc upon his tormented mind
scouring every inch of that barren hellscape
every night a new attempt to break him beyond repair

but each morning he wakes
draws on his smile with permanent marker
blinding the outside world to his own selfish realm of perdition
because he knows, as soon as the words flow off the tip off his tongue, he begins to burden another.

instead he never realized
even permanent marker fades eventually,
and in that instant his walls broke
collapsing, the silence of his room his only solace
his cries for help drowned out with the monotonous ringing inside his own mind

his cries awakening the fiends once more
the agonized screams, a rapture to the iniquitous occupants
with squeals of delight they rush forward
sensing their assured victory, pushing with all their might

overcome with the onslaught breaking down all resolve left inside him
the burning inside his throat the only thing he can feel
looking at his hands, still clutching the bottle

rage building in his veins he slams it to the the wall
the shattering mirroring the walls inside his mind

with one final attempt, the evil cacophony,
words from years of torment

eyes blinded by rage and hatred
coursing through his body
every flaw coming to light.
no counter for the truth brought to the forefront of his ravaged mind
tears streaming down his face, the boy with no strength left
and as suddenly as the hordes of darkness assaulted

they vanished

left in silence

his ragged breaths the only sound left

interrupted by droplets
looking down in terror he sees the aftermath

shards of glass cover the floor, creating constellations of shimmering light

all stained a Crimson hue

with one final look down he sees opened veins, blood pouring to the floor
a comforting cold rushing his body

he falls

the final piece of the puzzle, the last shard of glass
falling in line, finishing the riddle he's faced for years
as his vision fades, he sees his true purpose in this life

was death.

he breaths through corrupted lungs
every thought in his mind a constant war with one ultimate goal
complete eradication of all sense of joy.

the heat of the smoke down his throat is the sage burning away the darkening thoughts, creating a rapture in his fragile mind

but when the haze clears, and he wakes again
his head an open battlefield, war ravaged thoughts with no survivors


one last look towards the future which is nothing but a bleak existence he has no desire to be a part of

with 5 in the chamber to his head, his constant struggle looking to end with this reverse game of Russian roulette

pulling the trigger

click.

with a sigh he breaths out, wondering where it all went wrong, and squeezes again.

her voice is like a subtle call, always bringing him back to the edge
no matter how far he stretches, it will never be enough
the memories of her breath on his neck
her hands pressed against his chest
her body entwined with his full of nothing but passion and love

he recedes, trying to hide from the lure she controls
her small messages, silent calls, and the vivid memories all coming together sinking him back to square one

the moment he starts to forget
the moment he starts to move on
is the moment she strikes again
physically, mentally, or in his own head
it all ends the same

he sees her in his newest admiration
compares the new to the perfect version of her that he painted in his heart
sets the standard far above what is humanly achievable
nobody other than aphrodite herself could ever hope to reach

except her.

and so when the memories flood
and her call beckons him to loneliness
he can't resist, putting the finishing touches on the mural in his mind
her small hands entwined with his
her breath as she lays beside him
her lips pressed to his

all memories, but a reality in his mind
and as they become all he can imagine
he realizes his mistake moments too late

that he's right back where he started
the mental prison, unable to move on

and above his cell, her name in bold letters carved into the walls
the walls that can never break
stretching across his heart
preventing any from entering, or escaping

and that's just what she wants
and he always made it clear
that whatever she wanted

she got.

in the end all he had was himself,
even that's not true

what he didn't know was that in loving her he would lose himself,
no longer able to put the pieces together of the puzzle inside of him

looking at the mirror, it's unrecognizable

just the reflection of a stranger staring back with hollow eyes.


he sees her living happily, a new boy, and with all the pain inside he still wishes nothing but the best
but he knows she will have to keep those memories

just as he does, vividly running through his mind like a movie stuck on replay

the good

the bad

now he sees her in everyone he looks at

compares the next girl to what was his life.
ripping him apart, nobody could ever compare

the guard on his heart now an unbreakable shell, blocking anyone from entering or escaping
still painting the perfect image of her inside of him.
just another unattainable standard for the next to fail to reach

and in the end
he is left with nothing,
just those hollow eyes.
that unbreaking shell.
and impossible comparisons.

her presence next to him
her warmth as she lays her head on his chest
her breathing a comfort in the silence
her hair strewn across him caressing his body

he smiles, the comfort he feels is unlike any other
contentment filling his body
he realizes this is happiness
she is his happiness
the passion he feels out weighing any negative emotions cascading upon him

his life slowly playing out in his head
he sees the future, he sees smiles, laughter, love

but in a sick twist of fate that future is shattered replaced with nothing but a mirror shattering in slow motion
the pieces falling as if gravity was taken away
like feathers falling he sees each piece drift to the ground

in those pieces he distinguishes memories
some happy, some sad, but all bringing about the same emotion

devastation

he reaches for the falling shards only to be cut over and over
the blood pouring out of his skin, dripping onto pages spelling out words he never spoke into existence
hands trembling as he reads page after page

every feeling, every emotion he never had the strength and capability to express
all smeared in a Crimson tone, marking the book of his life
as he turns each page, the warmth of his own life bleeding out reaches him

and in that moment knows true warmth for fleeting seconds

replaced by black.