I just need to walk across the room
All I need is to finish this report
then I can finally go to sleep
waking up to work
until you drop from the exhaustion
I started before everyone else this time
But they will all do better than me
as this is the unfairness of life
across the room and then I'll be done
across the stage and then I'll be done
I can't stand up
Sitting for days
All the answers are across the room
You'll find me in the corner

Drunk on the party
Living in the moment
Never seemed so hard
Drunker than I've ever been.
Friends walking me home
Saying they are sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
For everything I've ever done
I'm drunker than ever
It's time I start acting like it

I'm afraid I might be
One of those constantly sad people
If always been sad
Because I never had a reason to be happy
Now, I have reasons to be happy
And I'm still sad
What's a man to do when he is dying of thirst
And can't drink the water right in front of him
Please, someone tell me
I didn't think I needed help
But these days are getting longer than they should
These moments of clarity are getting shorter
And I can feel myself slipping into the darkness
Day after day

feel your body turn to the cold
fold in upon itself
let the world swallow you whole
face the new streets of this new town
listen to the mirthful glee of the passive bystanders
the streets are still grey
the world still turns
live is still worth living
the world is a mixture of good and evil
and you just have to pick a side to be happy
i guess i'll talk to you tomorrow
thats really what i wanted to write about

utter some ***** words
when no one else can
feel the wind blow against your skin
say your sorry for everything
even though nothing went wrong
because right now
its almost too late
too late
to start walking again
too late
to look into your eyes
too late
too fall asleep
its too late
for us

I'm still not sure what color your eyes are
I never could bring myself to look a pretty girl in the eye
something about the fear of what I'd find
but eventually i always would
look them in the eye
and i'd see what i wanted
another person i didn't want to waste energy on
and thats a bad way to view people
I've done worse
ill do worse
but i'm afraid to look into your eyes
because you are different than them
you might be more of a sun than i am
thats the problems with small towns
they only need one sun
there is too many here
to many lights

Tossing and turning
The sheets are such a mess
Tossing and turning
The conversations from today
Tossing and turning
Even less hours to sleep than last night
Tossing and turning
Playing out everything
Tossing and turning
I'm flying blind
Tossing and turning
The planes going down
Tossing and turning
Through the air
Tossing and turning
Another dream
Tossing and turning
Wasn't I supposed to be awake
Tossing and turning
Tossing and turning
Tossing and turning

Roiling hills
/
Studded with concrete leviathans
/
carrying us to and fro
/
across this scarred earth
/
Fly by on this sunny day
/
Long ago memories
/
Of times that never were
/
History staring at or faces
/
But relegated to the back corner
/
Repetition is the word of the world
/
Destroy and build
/
Build and destroy
/
Wasting away our precious little time
/
To have something after we go
/
But time withers all away
/
And to many of us
/
Are lost to the ending

Skin falls around my nails like so many ribbons
They gum up my keyboard
Trying to stop my fingers from completing their duet
Across these blank keys
I pause
To bite a nail
To drink some water
To look around me
Fall out of the moment
Life is just a series of pauses
Flying by to fast to recognize
But a moment isn’t a point
It’s this big messy thing
A moment is the edge of your vision
No hard lines, just a melding of there and not there
Like water flowing from one spot to the next
No matter where it is

It's never been about her
Or about who she is
she just represents a boat in the storm
one that will sink when I sink when i get in
So do I take us both
or do I swim away
what can i say to you
nothing for now
and thats never been alright
but on second thought
its just what i need

How many more times
Can you say I feel like such a new person
Before it starts to lost its meaning
(And never new in that way
But as in you don't recognize
Who you were before)
You can't always be better
Stagnation is the modern day consumption
Swirling interest
Alone in your own world
Different ideas of what you are
And what you will be
The mountain man alone
The New York socialite
The grunge club crawler
Chills make a home in you
Too many things to feel
Not enough time in the universe
To describe a chill we all get
Sickly delirium
From the roots
Of the plant and the word
**** and happiness
Plant and word
Too much of everything
Except for air in your lungs
And the feeling of contentment

pop a hip and dance
As the path is layed for you
Feel the dark irony swirl
And spill your coveted secrets
In vague half-meanings
Talk about the unironic pills
And the unironic problems
And smoke your unironic drugs
And drink your unironic liquor
Watch the unironic ironic movies
And talk about it afterwards
I'm your unironic little circles
And smile
unironically
That you were nothing but original

Waving goodbye
Walking away from another night
I won't see you for a long time
Going across the states you are
Away from this little dreary town
When you come back everything will be better
We can carry on being happy
Until then

Oh my
I haven't been here in quite a while
Hiding sobbing in a crowd
Oh god  
I never thought I'd be here again
I tried so hard to connect
I'm a physcopath that wants to fit in
I've written more this last week
Than I have in my lifetime
I ******* hate this
Trying doesn't even matter

Why does it hurt so much to get up?

Oh how I wished I could dream

Some escape from this prison called reality

My head is never my safe haven

I just want a day without worry

No more stress, no more worrying about finding you

I just want to look in your eyes again

As we look up into the stars

I just want to see the reflection of the water on your eyes

I just want to feel you next to me

I've always been in the snow

I've always found it fascinating

How something so essential to us

Can freeze and become unique

Only to never be appreciated

For what do we do?

We plow it away

Away from our paths

And drudge on by

Oblivious to the lifetime of stories

We slowly crunch underfoot

I've always wondered why

Why god cries frozen now

And as I stand in the snow

With no protection

Of the mental or physical kind

I can't help but mirror gods actions

And create decrepit copies of my own

So much like my own words

I can never be the original

Only a sham of a copy

The things we do

For those approving looks

Those things not in books

Something from inside

Always done to hide

We change our appearance  

To leave subtle hints

Slowly killing ourselves

Putting ourselves through the Trials of hell

So that we can lie to our reflection

And tell them without a hint of doubt

I'm happy

Even though behind your eyes

You are screaming

Because you don't recognize the person

I guess this really never was worth it
And in the end
I was a fool for thinking I was anything greater
Than the dirt we came from

Okay so if I like ******* die right now
I'm sorry I disappointed you dad

for the last time you said goodbye
you never told me what made your voice so odd
goodbye, you can't get rid of me that easily
but the joke died in the winter air
and it sounded not as warm as it should
you never did tell me just how much you were dying inside
and I never did tell you just how much I cared

I need help
Those thoughts that you aren't supposed to have
The ones they give you pills for
Are starting up
And sometimes I find myself listening
And I'm scared I'm spiraling out of control
I'm scared of being alone
I'm scared of being alive
I've pushed everyone so far away that no one can tell there is a problem
They just see what I want them too
I'm too afraid of letting the world see me weak like this
I'm so afraid that I'm one bad day away from doing something I don't want
The episodes before this were few and far
Now I've never stopped having one
I've been felling this way for three months
I need help before its to late
I need to find you before its to late

Our sobs went unanswered
As they lowered me into the dark

Withered faces lined in a truthful glee
Line the stools of this flowing bar
calcium etched hands stretch out towards me
specters of the past pulling me back so far
drinking all my sins away
and I really have to go
even though they insist that I stay
and so the drinks will flow
until the evening dawn wanes
and all the past will go
those faces leave those window panes
while me body, my body rises with a vigor much to slow

Words on a screen

Hard to read

With my eyes straining

Christ it's late

Another night wasted

Browsing horror

Cheap laughs

And staving off

The cold fear

But a beep

A click

And words on a screen

I miss you

So this is what you've come too
Sobbing in your bathroom
After getting into one to many fights
All because you think
That suffering can bring happiness
And you are miserable
Just so ******* miserable
That you feel like everyone else should be too
So that maybe someone can help you
But they can't
They won't
Because you are just to ******* miserable
And you ******* write these words
To remind you that you are miserable
That the only thing you've ever taken any pride in
Causes you to be miserable
All you want is to be happy?
Well then maybe you shouldn't be such a little *******

I feel like I'm looking for someone that doesn't exist. My oculus, my self. Perhaps, my oculus, you are truly my reflection, and every time I look me in the eye, I'm looking at the love of my life. But that can't be, when I can't pull a courages heart out of my magic hat. So you must be real. So please, please be real. Because reflecting nothing hurts like hell.

Look at the endless path of mirrors you walk down, stuffing your gluttony with the fabricated dreams you were told would always be achievable. Look in the mirror below you, and see the starving children clasping their hands at you, begging for just a scrap of a dream, so that they might sleep peacefully for once. You look above you, and see golden skinned gods with dreams that are so heavy, so tangible, that you think the mirror will shatter in any moment. You look ahead of you, seeing you, clasped hand in hand with a blurry faced figure, walking away from you, not listening to you shout as you want to know who you are. You don't want to look behind you. You saw something in that mirror staring at you from up front. Your eyes, so completely devoid of color, black pits of onyx that tore a hole through your heart just by seeing what might be. Behind you, a grayer version of you. Thinner. Looking down. He has none of the dreams you do now. Nothing floating above his head, no froth spilling down over his chin, no colors, no noise, nothing to show that he is alive. You turn away and cry out in the pitiful sobs that are the only thing you are capable of producing anymore, the first real emotion you've shown since you were in the mirror. The grey skinned monster that you were but never were, the dead ghost of the futures past, the bland, dry, **** flavor of the image, was wearing the biggest smile that you had ever remembered seeing.

You sit on your back deck, staring out across the frozen lake. The stars slowly move across the sky. It's 12:50 AM. You realize that even though you have friends and family that love you, the only thing you need is someone to care for, someone to love.

So you sit on your deck. You might grab a blanket or two, but you know they won't stop you getting cold. You know it's too late for that. You listen to the ice creack, it's almost spring time so the ice weakened during the day. You listen to the wind play across the field, scared of your life and what's happening.

You might have had a girl in your life once, but you were dumb and things didn't work out. It might have been your fault, but odds are it wasn't. Odds are she just couldn't take being around you anymore, saying you made her depressed. Then you realize that you just lost a great chance to change your life around.

So you sit out on the deck.

You watch the stars glide across the sky.

You might shed a few tears, but this goes beyond any physical depression.

This is a bleak, lifelong, emotional abyss kind of sadness. And you are scared and alone, and all you want is someone to look at you and say:

"Everything will be okay. Come with me."

Instead, you sit on your deck.

You watch the stars move.

And you die inside.

Goodnight.

This is the natural born hero
With sins inside his own head
To much of a hero to let them out
To much of a martyr to not let people now
A sad life
A sad excuse for living
That's all I am
An excuse for sadness

What I want more than anything else is for the reaper to allow me to see what could have happened. On the precipice of life changing minutes, I can't help but wander what would happen if I followed my heart instead of my head. I never would have had to say goodbye.

I am having a startling moment of clarity
One in which things are becoming abundantly clear
I am not happy
I have never been happy
Things just offer a temporary way to alleviate the boredom
I suppose maybe thats my problem
I'm doing everything I can to be happy while forgetting the important part
To be happy
I'm not sure where to go from here
All I know is that I don't really want to do this anymore

I guess what bothers me the most is just the waiting
waiting for it all the change.

I certainly have the power to make it all change
I just need the time.

I am leaving soon, and I'll have to say goodbye
to the only ones who acknowledged me.

I find myself dreading the days without them
those ones I call friends

I...I just want to wait a little longer
before I have to go.

The sun will rise across this frozen plane again. This field, that was once elysian, now is still. It's almost a mirage, as it sometimes isn't there. When it is. It is. Undeniably there. A strong presence. Walking along the field, slipping and breathing. The cold makes me feel warmer. An adventure I say. One that I know will end.

The humorous filter of the eye
Must be what creates a pattern
In the way a person you'll never see again
Walks away
A pattern you get to know
When you start to let the days catch up
A lot of them, I won't miss
But a few I'll never forget

Washing down the anti-depressants
With alcohol
Even though the two counteract eachother
I feel as if there is some irony there
As I am about to blackout
And I can't see straight
I have to hide taking pills from almost everyone
They wouldn't understand

At the end of all the heartache
At the end of everyday
A man can only be defined by two things
How others see him
And how he sees the others
Many success stories come from this road
Seen like a god, and thinking like one as well
Many stories ending from the other
Seen like a person
Hated on the inside
Others hated by everyone
And hate themselves

I feel nothing. At the end of the bad days, I feel nothing. I am completely and utterly devoid of joy. I do not feel anything beside anger. A slow, seething anger. I want to feel something. Please just let me feel something

Neon dreams reflected in the waves of the hopes we give to the world in the grey artificial ether. The streets lined with the faces of the citizens, wide eyed walking through with hunches shoulders and happy grins. The gutters over flowing with the over whelming stench of failure, failure to achieve those neon dreams advertised right above their heads.  Arguing remnants of the last nights alcohol fueled fighting. Hazy memories dredged up of childhoods past. A forgotten love of the walking of the streets, smoke on the air, the hazy street lights casting an indiscriminate over the wandering paths. Walking this path marveling at the thrills of life. Walking with a smile, the last you remember of it's kind. A hand in yours. A grey mass slowly floating away, becoming another part of the sky around you. Blending all together. Neon signs cast a harsh glare through the fog.

You know I think we all have crushed dreams. I'm almost done with my small town life, about to head to the city fir college. And in a bout of writing, it occurred to me that I'll never have that young stupid romance that teens have, the ones were you just spend all day talking and laughing with no care in the world. I'll never have her look at me with big smiling eyes as we slowly dance at homecoming. I'll never know what it's like to be one of any of my friends. I really just don't get it. Why does this one thing bother me so ******* much? That I can't find anybody. And now the more I write to some imaginary person I call you just to feel like maybe you will find this, I slowly begin sobbing and realize I'm still just a stupid little kid that had his dreams crushed. Is this feeling, this dry old cough, this stinging crying, is this what it's like to realize your dreams are shattered? This heavy weight on your chest knowing that you can't get back the lost time? That you’re running out of time with your friends and prom is around the corner and you can't live with yourself if you don't find a date. That soon you'll never see anybody that you know again? That now you have to grow up and go be an adult? I just wanted to be a normal high school student and fall in stupid love and experience going to parties and dances but no I sit at home or at night classes to make college better and I'm not even sure if I want to go there anymore but I know my parents would force me. I only have a little time and I can't do it all over again. And I spend my nights writing this ****** book for stupid reasons. Why can't I just turn my mind off and live

It's the long drives

Back to my home

Seems so far

But in a blink

I'm there

But this time

It seems so much longer

Maybe it's because I'm freezing

But I know

It because I'm thinking of you

And what happens next

I wish that every time I fell asleep it wasn't because I passed out from exhaustion . One night where I can lie on the dreamscape, turn the lights off, feel the gentle waves of sleep wash over me. But here I am. Everytime I close my eyes, lighting quick images, too many to focus on, in any single frame. Reliving the past in a moment, all the fears from the future. A blink of an eye, a new day. Too tired to function. The way I love it. Another blink, dreaming in the day. Of what is for now. Am I living a waking dream, everytime I blink? Or am I just yawning away my life, one hour of sleep less each time.

Aren't our memories weird? One minute we are watching and the next, a word or phase reminds us of times long past, and the little jokes she said or little stories that seems wholly insignificant then are the only things you remember now

I've never fallen in love

Except every time I make eye contact for more than a second

With that girl who looks like the type of girl

That I think would like me

And I don't think they do

I mean I'm just some guy looking a bit to long

Then I get up from my seat

Saying this will be the time I talk to her

As I walk by her and pay for my coffee

And walk out the door

I think she was watching me go

So I've never fallen in love

When the world is freezing over, when the gauges stop working, when we approach real zero. That moment is when I remember the last summer I spent. The times luaghing with friends. The times worrying about whether or not she likes me. The times exploring. But the tundra takes that all away. And now there's a blank canvas.

Past present future, what defines you? Do you let all those things you regret never doing, those hours spent asking why does everybody else have what I want even though I'm better then them? Or do you live in the closer past where you hate yourself for thinking that. Or maybe you live in the present, just trying to be happy before the future tears everything apart. Perhaps you live in the future, where you are so focused on the stars you never realize when the earth leaves you behind.

It's a fake world we live in
Let's all sit around the table happily
And ignore mom shaking from lack of nicotine
Even though no one is supposed to know she smokes
Let's ignore my moms headache
And say it's due to allergies
And not a hangover
Let's ignore my sister almost failing out of medical school
Because we haven't seen her in so long
Let's ignore my dad's painful smile
Because he knows that his family
The one thing he actually works for
Is crumbling around him
Let's ignore me
Oh god for the love of god
don't start in on me

Are you looking at the snow?
Did you put your hand on the glass
and feel the coolness begin to creep into your skin
the same as me
Did you spend the day working
doing whatever you can to distract yourself
from your own problems
are you thinking of me now?
and what has happened?
and the same sadness that I feel
I can't remember what you look like
We always used to joke about how bad my memory was
But now I can't remember the mouth that told those jokes
Those eyes that looked into mine
and understood how this all works

The words in my head are buzzing between themselves
so angry
they want me to do something more, something different
like they have a mind of their own
they want to be me so bad
flesh and ***** instead of words and synapses;
I'm so sorry
I try so hard to say its not my fault
I curl into the bath with them
they whisper to me
taunt me
tell me I'll never be 'the show'
I try and numb myself but their words cut into me like a knife
heated to spread butter
their words fill my brains folds
and I walk around with my brain smoothed into my skull
I go into my moods
throwing, creating, drinking
forcing ideas into the wall
the miserable sound stings as the slide down
my skull;
the first whispers down my spine
making my feet hurt
after standing all day in dress shoes;
the second whispers along the walls
teasing what others have said;
the third sits inside me
telling me what I really need to hear from myself;
I **** and moan and rage
as they talk among themselves
they tell me most don't have a voice
that controls them
they say they control the voice
I call *******;
There's a voice inside me that doesn't want others to know he exist
and tries to stop me from knowing him;
these insects plague me;
the voices can't be played with
trapped in my head
but they become flies
trying to suffocate me in sleep
I swipe at them
my hands joining them in the air symphony
I fold in on myself
it hurts
it hurts a lot
my body is telling me to go
my mind is screaming stop
I hug them both in bed at night.
Trying to convince one to take the blame

are you there now?
are you truly sleeping?
or was that just an excuse to sort through everything
when you changed my world
you cuased me to hold my breath
and never let go of it
its a warm humid breath
that chilled my lungs
you gripped my heart
and my heart is still constricted
you looked me dead in the eye
and asked me a question
and never answered back
in the clear cut way
i got a response
but now i'm just kinda gerrymandering
i don't think i need to breath yet though

I'm not sure if I want you to think about me
And the heartache associated with it
And the fondness for the future
Or if you shouldn't think about me at all
And focus on making the present better
But forgetting what we were
The only thing I know
Is that I didn't think I'd be this cold
On these warm winter days

Tired eyes peering over the edge of the book
He is expecting this already
He missed something
Just a little glance here or there
Maybe it was just a look in the eye across the room
But he missed something
It's not the fact that he missed it
It's not the fact he can feel himself slipping back into those minds
It's the fact that the coffee is cold
and the book isn't quite good enough to be an escape