Hear the candle flame grow
Breath after breath
The sky rushes down
And you are the catalyst
Between heaven and earth
Listen to the ebb and flow
Burn bright until the wick
Falls into ash
Let your body melt away
Back to what is was meant to be
Burnt candles are still alive
Face flush with heat
Frayed wires splayed for all to see
Enjoy the gritty feel
Of heaven and earth
Starting to leave
And while it is never expected
The connection will end
And you will lay awake at night
Feeling your skin
Hoping to feel wax once again

We all stood there and watched
As some of our family failed
Were thrown out in front of us
Taken away from our loving arms
We watched in stunned silence
As they were led away
We...Christ we knew them
Knew they weren't bad people
But no one said take me instead
We ignored the roaring beating of our hearts
And pretended not feel them break
As our eyes were the only thing that betrayed us

Vaudevillian foes
Basking in the light of deceit
You shouldn't play with peoples hearts like that
You don't know what you've done
And while most was behind closed doors
I was there when it wasn't
And I stayed blue and true
And loyalty flowed from my broken body
Like blood, as I looked at you
And now that everything is said and done
I am the bad guy
For helping a friend

History flows throw acrid veins
To cause one more beat
Of the bleadings heart
Bleating heart
Rise and fall
Of iron walls
Inside the cities we build
Skulls of darkness
Cries for help
Yelled into full moon nights
Are pointless
When the moon refuses to listen
Thinly veiled words of acid
Meant to destroy
But nothing is enough
And the wallls stand strong
And Rome still stands
And the Turks still stand
And England still stands
And we still stand
We all still stand
On the cliffs of our ego

Keeping me up at night
I can't get you out of my head
And how you use to laugh
At every ******* thing I said

what can i say to you
i ask myself that everyday
what can i say to you
anything to make you laugh
what can i say to you
i think im falling for you
what can i say to you
i hate myself for doing this
what can i say to you
to make you hate me
what can i say to you
to make this all go away

Midnight dreams roll around
Conversation floating in the sky
Every second spent alone
Every second with a friend
Night and Day
Odd things I've never seen
Feelings I've never felt
I can't help but feel that maybe some of these people genuinely care
They want nothing more than to see me be happy
And for once, I don't think there is an ulterior motive

To find someone like me. And to grow old with them. Find each other in undergrad, become inseparable in medical school. Both get residences in New York, New York. Work 80 hour work weeks, and on that one day off, walk around the city at night, looking at the stars, whispering into each others ears that we found the one, that it's going to be alright now, we don't have to worry anymore.

I hope i just didn't irreversibly **** everything up
what kinda question is that?
do i ******* like you
of course i ******* do
half these ****** things are about you
but i had to ******* spell it out for you
******* half veiled metaphors
did you figure it out now?
or were you sitting on it?
i knew you figured it out
i ******* knew it the second i saw you today
something in your **** eyes
but it wasn't rejection this time was it?
no, that'd be to ******* easy now wouldn't it?
no this time it was a maybe
a "things are good now, lets not change"
does that mean anything?
does that mean you do but you want to ease into it?
or that you don't and i'm just a friend
what the **** does that mean
please for the love of god tell me what you mean

all alone in the tomes of knowledge
locked away on the quietest floor
sure, they say that we will meet up
I struggle to find the confidence to think they tell the truth
we said we would be here for hours
locked away in our own little worlds
this time it was supposed to be easy on me for once
maybe thats why I'm on the verge of failing out
when there is no friction
nothing to fight back against
even the strongest willed tigers turn to putty kittens in the hand of god
living the easy life of a failure
until its to late to escape the jaws of time and shame
knowing you can be so much better
but choosing not to be
thats what it meant
when they said I complicated everything

Destroy the barriers you out in place
to become free
destruction allows you to create more
and creation allows you to destroy more
infinite spirals fill the night sky
our brains are star maps of the universe
god killed himself and put himself into us
and all psychologist talk about a separation
between who you are and who people know you to be
destroy the wall between those two
and create something god would be proud of
and so we can come together as a species
and envelop existence

When did forever turn into a few more days
When did all our promises turn back into just words
When did we ever start loving each other
When did the sun rise seem a little less bright
When did the nights start getting a bit to long
When did we both realize we desperately love each other
When did we both forget who the other one was

when did the stars
become brighter than your eyes
was it when you stopped laughing
or when you stopped looking me in the eye
the city we breath
makes the stars so dim
so what happened to you?

You have the most disturbing eyes I've ever seen
across the room
across the world
eyes illuminated by only the lamp
and the screen
you look me dead in the eye
and you scare me
the intense you give me
I barely hear the words
you look into me
to far
too ******* far
this isn't like the rest
stupid infatuation
this is fear
I'm afraid of you
and I don't know why

Beating each other to the punch
one bottle down after another
this is a challenge right
this is what you wanted?
drink and drink and drink
swallow faster than you thought possible
drink and drink and drink
who cares about tomorrow
the future was yesterday
you failed to do the only thing you ever tried to do
the only thing you ever did right
wash away the bile with the hose outside
try and wash away the shame you feel
this is you now
you won in everyones eyes but your own
your reflection whispers at you
from the mirror you threw across the room
horrible things about what could have been
if you won any more than you did

The days are great
i'll say when they are
the nights not so much
morning seems to far
the days only seem that way
but the truth is
the nights are filled with restless awakeness
or dreams that are hit or miss
every moment around others is hell
and every moment away causes me to panic
i dreamed of you again last night
i woke up and never recovered, manic

I don't think you understand just how much it effects me
every wayward glance
every single ******* time you don't look me in the eye
every time you laugh
everyone says its not been long enough
even you did
can't i just be selfish for once
but thats not the issue
i'm running out of time
how long can i last here by myself
who will pull me back from the brink of madness this time
i hate the way i'm acting
i hate that i'm in this scenario
i hope to the nonexistent ******* god i pray to
that i can wake up tomorrow
and be able to do this all over again
not here
highschool
i'm so sorry gavin
they all ******* me up
every no was another nail in the coffin
i'm to ******* abnormal to even hope to be normal
and thats the ******* problem isn't it?
this was never about you and me
this was always about me just trying to fit in
im so lonely
im so ******* lonely
normal people dont get lonely
not for five years
five long years

I think there's something
always something
to be gained
by nothing
some shy away from the pitch blackness that surrounds them
lonely nights locked away in an iron cage of comforters
not a light on in the room
it really doesn't matter if they kept their eyes open or not
they all see the same thing
the darkness changes, that it does
some see the fears that plague them
some lovers of the past
some see the darkness looking back at them
seeing a sad little boy hiding under the covers
silently screaming away into the night
that he wants to be a little kid again
that he doesn't want to leave his friends behind
even though everyone knows he means the opposite
he doesn't want to go and hide under the corporate blanket
becuase it's all the same world, just different ages, different people
but we are all trying to hide under that blanket in the night
because we know that we don't want to see
whats inside that pit around us
the dreams
of what could have been

Blue was the color I was born with
Its in my eyes just as much as in my soul
I've always had something blue in my life
A blue car, a blue blanket
A blue scarf
I grew up you know?
And blue was my color
I see it when I look in the mirror
and not just in my eyes
Blue is the color of the ice chips
that seemed to be the only thing you gave
and like a man dying of thirst
I took that ice and lived on it
But that was in the past
Its summer now
isn't it?
So I don't need a scarf anymore
yes, I may have worn it before
and even now, i do
but that's not the blue life anymore
that's the adult flask i have
blue in everything but color
filled with the last of winters ice
I'd love to get drunk with you again winter
but you've left me here to melt away
I love you more than the seasons
and that's why my flask will remain unopened

When im standing here
i feel right next to nowhere
this is a spot
where the books plot
was forever brought forward

this is were we first kissed
the only time i felt such bliss
you said i love you too the moon and back
now if only my heart wasnt so black
we both could have walked away happy

its kinda funny
to me at least
I've started too many works in the last hour
and i get halfway through
and i delete all of it
i refuse to even write something similar to it
I've never done that before
its always been wright it down and then never change it
but you need such high quality works
i need to describe it better
its never good enough
its never been about you
its never been about my happiness
it has always been about writing the best works

I always wonder wether or not i'll be remembered for my funny one liners or my ****** *** attempts at everything else.
Every laugh just gives me another reason to go again
Every akward pause
where people arent quite sure if they are supposed to luagh
oh god why am i doing this to me
slow down
slow down
there will be time to think later

i'm not sure if anyone has noticed yet
i never use the proper i
its's supposed to be I
i know that
i just don't think i denote a proper title like that
a nobody doesn't get an I
and thats okay
because when i become someone
i can be an I
maybe the first time you look me in the eye and i break the look
that'd be a nice way to become a person wouldn't it?

The arguments sound like a carnival
So many different games all being played
Oh i recognize that sound
That was the sound of old things rearing up
Oh that one made me cringe
That was the sound of something irrelevant
That one froze my blood
That was the sound of a heart breaking
But why...why does that one hurt me?
No, no, no, I haven't had my heart broken
I grew past that phase
Of course, of course, I must be having some sort stomach flu
I'm past those days after all
Now if you excuse me
I just thought of a new piece I'd like to write

Why am I thinking about you now
It's been awhile since we've even seen each other
I remember the night when I first loved you
Someone couldn't handle their drinks
And we had to clean up after them
(Christ I miss him)
And when you bent down
The moonlight hit your hair
And you looked me in the eye
And that's when I knew things were different
I don't think I can ever forget that night
Just like I can't forget the night
Where I realized I hated you
Worked half to death
Another exam coming up
You used me
You were always using me
And I was to stupidly infatuated
The look in your eyes
I was scared once
Now?
I can't even bring myself to look at them

Can a leaf notice
That even though it's floating on a glass surface
The river will still flow
Does that leaf
Know that it's moving?
Nothing else is
To its eyes at least
Does the leaf think it's going with the flow
Even if the bank walkers
Are going so much faster
Does the leaf care about it's lot in life?
As long as it's with the others
Why would it?

It's such a nice autumn day
It almost doesn't reekof decay
Such a warm October day
Ignoring the signs of the stagnant death surrounding you
The tress are so beautiful
They are turning earlier every year
It's such a thought to go outside and be free
Such a thought withering away like a leaf
It's the last warm sunny day of the year
For me, it's the last of the lifetime
This winter is going to be the grindstone this time
And wether I'll sharpen to a point
Or wither away  to grains
That will be the legacy I will inherit

No one ever tells you
about how the eagle soars
until its barely a speck
even to the sky

no one ever tells you
about how that eagle
has to deal with
to many of its children not making it
to many partners, falling of the cliff
welcomed into the sea with open arms
to many winters, gone hungry
watching as the others starve around you
to many suns
dancing across the sky
to remember all their faces

Drunken revelry palgued by inconsistencies
Thoughts of medication
Dreams of ending
He is so scared to accept the fact that it might be over
A simple pill every day
Every hour
Every minute
He doesn't care as long as he gets better
Deattached from himself
Fronting the faces
He can't see himself in mirrors
Fitting for a late October night
Trees are dying early
Cold seeps into his heart
He hopes that the doctors are right
That he can make it through this winter
And start his life anew
He wants nothing more than to be happy
He knows he is holding himself back
Addiction to a mental disorder
Can't imagine living any other way
Colder and colder at night
Slowly losing feeling
The slow death creeps forward

I have to ask how. Walking through the motions of another day. Something not right caught my eye. The death has been creeping along the face of the world. So why would a window be open? It's smaller than nothing out there. Anything left to live is slowly breathing it's last breath. Such is winter. She gives you opportunity. Life is sacred then. So when the frame passed my head, and the shadows flew threw the air, no hope was left in sight, until my past cuaght me up, and I found the ground with both legs this time.

There was a girl
A sad girl
With hair like untamed ebony
And eyes like tombstones and the universe
The type of girl that looks at you from under her untamed coal field
And smiles a beautiful thing
A ceramic smile
Soon to be stained by to much coffee
To much rot gut *****
The type of girl that sits naked in the dark
In a bathtub full of scalding water
The type of girl that fills subway cars full of poetry and lavender
Sitting bundled up in too many layers of clothing for this hot hot summer
The type of girl that works the nightshirt at a Walmart stocking shelves
And spends her breaks writing down story ideas in her journal
Stories about a funny girl
With clipped brown hair

One day while filling the shelves with organic caged beef
She remembers she left the journal out in the break room
And she rushes back to grab it
And stops dead in the doorway
Because someone is reading her words
And she begins to panic
And she begins to panic because the  person who is reading the worlds she has spent months scrawling
is a normal boy
The type of boy who smiles awkwardly at the red eyes she wears like a bandage leaving the bathroom
A boy whose smile is clean and whose eyes are clear
Like a watering hole fed by mountain water in the early early spring
The type of boy that knows she’s a freak and she wants so
so desperately for him to tell her that
So that he stops flashing that sliver of a monochrome crescent moon
So that he stops giving her hope that she can be anything other than that sad sad girl writing stories in the break room

One night she is cutting boxes
Her sleeves rolled up, in one of those phasic moods where she doesn’t care who sees the angry red lines crossing her arms
A scarred ladder leading to unsteady hands
She puts a new blade in and jabs it into the clean side of a box
But the blade doesn’t glide through the smooth brown skin
But the blade gets caught in the gnarled fibers
But the blade is new and the feeling of gliding through the perfect side is taken from her
And she pulls her arms hard while thinking about the girl with chestnut hair
The girl who had shared a box of wine with her last night
She looks down on the floor and sees a growing pile of red wine
And she falls
And people are screaming
And she looks down and sees the blade sticking out of her wrist
And she’s speaking calmly that it was an accident, she didn’t mean it this time
Her manager is on the phone with the ambulance and the janitor is glaring in the doorway
Forever trying to figure out how to get blood stains out from the stockroom floor
And the last thing she sees in the cacophony of chaos is the normal boy
And the grimace of fear forever plastered on his face in her fading memory

She wakes up in the hospital where people visit her like a sandstorm
And doctors come and speak to their clipboards
One day the girl with chestnut hair comes
And no words are said
Just feelings screamed into the oblivion between them
And she knew that was the last time the funny girl would ever visit
Weeks pass, and one day the doctor comes in and says to his clipboard
Insurance ran out, so you are all better now
Even though she doesn’t feel better

It starts with a fifth of ***** after you come back to your empty two-person apartment
Then a handful of pills
Than more cigarettes than your lungs can handle
This slow self destruction culminates when she goes out on her balcony
And sees her neighbor smoking a cigarette next door to her
And he just smiles and says
It never gets easier kid
He flicks the end of his cigarette after taking a deep breath
And the girl with eyes like tombstones and the universe
Watched the cherry red spark fall
As smoke filled the stars in front of her
The man chuckled
But it’ll all be alright
And the girl that with hair blacker than a crow
Nodded into the starry sky

Nebulous words
draining into nebulous nights
Truth laid bare for all too see
I stopped lying
this time for real
but utopias truth
is that just because you know a problem
doesn't mean you know jack **** how to solve it
happiness and emptiness are not exclusive
I am one but not the other
boredom is empty
and fills the halls of these dreams
I'm afraid ill be waiting to grow up
till I lie on my death bed

I hate writing. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate that it makes me sound pretentious. I hate how it is making me pretentious. I hate how it brings back things I want to forget. I hate how I can't write now. I hate how it's the only thing I have. I hate how it makes me feel better. I hate how I write. I hate who I write these too. I hate that I'm writing this. I hate everything about my writing. But it's the only thing I could never live without

In every room
Full of drunken people
There is always a few
Buzzed or sober
That clean up their acts
Look into each others eyes and say
Thanks for everything
They hug
The world stops everything
As it always does with these moments
And then they leave
To wake up tommorow
Not even knowing they did something significant

You are nervous now
You locked yourself in your room
A bad semester grade
Isn't the end of the world
But you shutting it out is
The life in your eyes
Slowly being replaced by panic
A raw overwhelming paranoia
Your eyes are still frightening
In the way a wild animal
Cornered into a cage
Looks at its attackers
And gives them it's all
So be careful now
For you are a wolf

You don’t laugh at my jokes anymore
When you look me in the eye, you immediately look away
You might say nothing changed
Believe me, I’m asking you about that later
But something certainly has
And I’m okay with that
Just stop holding happiness in front of me
Only to pull it away whenever I am close

Every **** time
every **** word
a matter of minutes
means the life or death of a party
give me a few
I'll just go get some air
these episodes are getting longer
it's been almost a whole day now
I exploded last night
oh god
notice that I always say that?
oh god
all the good thats done me
I'm a victim of circumstance
from the situations i created
Sub(par)consciously
I should probably talk to you
figure out the things that bother me
every interaction
flips me like a coin
i should really look you in the eye
see where the ridges lead me
I'm lost in a unfamiliar city
the only way out
I'm convinced you know

Waking up gasping
another night starts
and the image of you
screaming stays when
I shut my eyes and
I’m losing my
mind, shattered like the
mirror you threw at
me in one of our fake
fight late night
(bored out of our minds)
night I spent awake
my hand still hurting
trying to capture you
in words that just wouldn’t work
and I roll around in my
bed at night, losing my
mind trying to stop
all the pretentious *******
running through my head and
I can’t stop thinking of the nights we
spent our minds trying
to get to know each other and
I’m screaming, screaming, scream
and then I stop
and then I just stop
how can you expect
me to say I
love you
when I can’t even ******* say
who I ******* am
am losing my mind that
I didn’t even know I had and
I can feel the little fragments
of me that I spent years trying to collect
and then you just left
you threw it all away
you threw it all away
and as you left my car for the last time
I asked if I could still call you
my little bird and
you said okay
you said okay
you said
okay

i think the saddest part about this
is that you've inspired more writing than any of the others combined
and i think theres a sad beauty in that
you've broke my heart with every glance
and took it back with every smile
so what do you want from me?
because i'll do anything to see you smile
even if it means never seeing you again

Yes yes let's take a photo
Hold each other tight
Cheek to cheek
As a stranger we know more than each other
Smiles at the happy couple
Young love is too beautiful not too
Older than the dirt
Older than the sea
He feels her trembling
In fear or excitement, he doesn't know
She feels his heart stutter in step
From fear of the stranger
Or when she stopped recognizing the one next to her
She doesn't know
And as the photo is taken
The two walk away hand in hand
Not knowing the truth
That photos only reflect
What you tell them too