Trust is a lie.
Nobody ever really knows anyone.
Truth only leads to mistrust.
Which is why people lie to begin with.
In the hopes of holding on.
I've always been one to find it difficult
To hold on.
Which is why I choose to embrace truth.
The steady embrace of pushing people away.

I still can't get you off my tongue.
Or out of my mind.
I want the thoughts of you to end.
Deeper thinking has me thinking
Everything was a lie.
Why did you make me fly?
Now my wings are clipped
And I'm sky diving without a parachute.
Hoping that soaring will save me.
Hoping you'll be there to catch me in the end.
But you're nowhere to be found.
No words escape.
Lessons in the dark.
Lessons in time.
Of time.
On time.
How much time will it take for me to forget your name?
That's the thing about the ties of men.
And maybe not even men.
Just the act of letting people in general in.
You give them a chance to break you with every word you speak.
Every aspect of breathing becomes a not so sure thing.
Why do people have to hurt so bad.
Why do we feel the need for them to intertwine within our lives?
When did we as humans lose touch with the contentment of being alone?
Nerves are a wreck.
I hope you think of those nights as more than just regret.
My lips will always blissfully remember yours.
How you were supposed to be the crashing of waves to a steady shore.
How you were supposed to be the brightest light in my dark tunnel of hope.
Once again I'm homeless and alone.
Building bridges in my heart for you to walk upon.
Navigate your way through my tearing heartstrings.
Sew them back together.

You said I was your muse
Your reason to paint
Now you're falling off
You lost me
You lost me
I'm gone.
You said you don't love me.
But I know you ******* need me.
I bring things,
Unemaginable joyous things,
To your lonely life.
You chose this.
You chose this new life
of misery
Always wondering
what is truth and
what is lie.
You chose to be alone inside.
I had hope for us
But hopes love lost
Time has run out
I'm a muse for someone else.

I'm glad you told me you don't love me.
Because it's the worst pain I will ever have to face.
And I deserve it.
I deserve it for being such a disgrace.
All I can ever do is hope to be better than the person I was.
And I feel compelled to care.
I feel compelled to be more.
But in my heart of hearts
I know nothing will ever compare.
I'm nothing without you.
Repetitive lines.
My ocean bringing my soul to a steady shore.
Untouchable memories.
That I wish would fade.
I wish they would just die away.
You're my soul mate.
What life is really worth living,
Without the other half of your being?
You complete me.
You completed me.
No more.

It's not about the person who comes after you.
It's thinking there will actually be a person
after you,
because I can't fathom the idea of anyone
meaning as much as
you do.
You invade my brain.
I can feel you coursing through my veins. But I guess I need
to just face the plain and simple truth, that I have yet
to even meet 'you'.

Every word pulls me in.
Closer.
Deeper.
To
Stardust
And oblivion.
Intelligence is appealing
To all senses.
Especially the nerves
Between my legs.
Your voice flutters
Into my ******* chest.
And though it rips it to shreds,
I love the pain.
Please hurt me some more.
Speak your volumes
With your muted silence.
Let's ******* scream.
Hand in hand
On mountain tops.
From the miles
That separate our skin.
Skin on skin
Hands tied in knots
Around my throat
Suffocating my lungs
Gasping for breath.
Feel me.
Feel my depths
Feel my soul.
**** me from the inside.

Finding an escape in a maroon bag.
I'm almost out.
Three just wasn't enough.
It lasted awhile,
But the euphoria doesn't last long.
This feeling reminds me of you.
Touching me.
It's the closest thing
To the feeling of love.
Replacement.
I resent myself.
I wish nothing ever ******* happened.
Then I wouldn't feel the lack.
The lack of everythig good and bad.
All at once.
You always were my compass star.
You were the truest north
In my universe.
I'm sorry I'm so ****** up.
How many times does "I'm sorry"
Have to escape from my lungs?
I resolve to not have any emotions.
I don't want to let myself feel.
Except when it comes to you.
I can't stop.
I can't do anything to escape
The prison of everything.
Consuming my being.
Confining.
Suffocating.
******* suffocate me.
Choke me until I beg for air.
Bruise my body all over.
I liked seeing our lust
As a painting
On my body.
I was your canvas for the night.
Fingers deep in my air way.
Broken glasses.
Broken promises.
I promised myself
I'd never let you have me again.
It hurts.
It hurts so ******* bad.
I'm going mad.
I belong in a ******* hospital bed.
A future promised.
You promised me.
You promised you'd always love me.
That I'd never be alone.
I can't do this without you.
You were my ******* god.
I worshiped you.
You were my hope.
You were everything.
Everything.
And now I have ******* nothing.
I feel like nothing
Without you.

Seeing red again.
That eloquent drip
The first slice of skin.
Seeping sorrows syloquently sedudct me.
I dont want to exist in this universe
Anymore.
I'm surviving,
Purely
Out of spite.

You'll think I'm all in,
When I'm really 1 foot out the door.
Building myself up,
So I can close it for good.
And lock it away.
Never looking back.
There is no going back
After this.
Hopes loves lost.
I believed you.
I believed in you. In us.
Only for you to betray my trust.
You're only after lust.
Hope you're happy with yourself.
You've lost the family we were building.
And for what?

Where has my inspiration gone?
Down the toilet with the pills.
In your stomach full of alcohol.
While I'm starving.
History perpetually repeats itself
Full of intent.
Full of regret.
Repent!
Looping lines inside my head
Trying to write again.
Tell me what to swallow
To regain hope.

How could you?
How could you be so reckless with my soul?
I broke down walls,
I unchained my rib cage
I served you my heart on a
Silver platter,
Just for you to take
A bite when you were hungry.
Just for you to come and go
As you please.
Always putting yourself first,
Myself, an afterthought.
I once again know pain
And loss.
I once again am losing my mind
At the thought.
Why do I hold on so tightly
To people
Who just destroy me?

I'm losing.
Again.
But the loss is drawn out.
Time is precious
Because all we have is the moments
Between when you found out you were dying
And the moment you'll forget me.
And I regret losing time.
I regret the nots
I regret the enoughs
When I should have kept my mouth shut.
I regret not having time
Enough.

Lack of sleep has me writing.
That mixed with jack and coca cola.
Sitting in the chaos of a bar.
Silent.
Writing.
This.
This is what I live for.
And I wonder why
I constantly hold on to people
Longer than I should.
I give too many chances.
I take too much abuse.
But there's this secret,
About me.
I'm addicted to pain.
So I surround myself with
People
Who just ******* destroy me.
And I keep coming back for more..
Like a good little girl.
Keep your mouth shut and ******* obey.
Pray.
Pray
To a higher ******* God than yourself,
For a change.
I pray every day.
Just to breathe.
I feel insane.
Like I said,
Lack of sleep.
I hope I breathe.
Tomorrow..