How did you,
How did you walk away so easily,
Out of the door
and into another's arms?
Just because,
Just because
I didn't dress trendy enough.
Just because I wasn't aware of pop culture up to your standards.
Was it ever even really love?
In those nine years was I ever enough?Please just tell me the truth.
Because I can't take the wondering
All the ******* time.
Losing time was enough.
I sit here and I try to be tough.
I try to hold it together.
Hold my composure.
Enough is enough.
I'll never be good enough.
And those times that you made me feel like
I could fly,
Were equally matched with times you made me feel like I wanted to die.
Why?
Why?
Why did you ever swoop in and try
To save me at 17?
Hopes lost.
It's hard enough.
It was hard enough.
Before your presence made it more rough.
I ******* give up.
I give up.
Deleted and blocked.
Deleted and blocked,
But you're still a ******* thought.

How many of you would like to know me?
Because I'm an open book, and that has been said to be a crime.
But I can sit here and tell you about my life thus far, from a to z, all of the things that have haunted me.
A product of divorce.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Trauma consumes me.
And all I can do is just keep breathing.
Most days I'm thankful to do just that.
To open my eyes.
To realize.
And acknowledge the beauty in all things.
Drugs started me on falling in love with dead trees.
Getting on my knees and begging,
Please.
Please.
Don't think the words you speak about me.
17 to 26.
Packing concrete into a broken foundation, just for a quick fix.
Drunken mistakes.
Violent shakes.
Unpulled triggers.
All causing me to grow bigger.
Inside.
Inside.
Most times, always pondering why?
Most times wanting to ******* die.
Being willing canceled out the unwilling.
Times you search for deeper healing.
Deeper meaning.
Deeper ******* feeling.
And in the end, all you ever have is yourself.
You alone have to be good enough.
3 am thoughts.
Coping mechanisms can surely be taught.
But they don't ******* work.
Because I'm always left distraught.
What else have I to cover?
When I was a child, I used to hover.
Witnessing shadows beneath the covers.
And dead bodies really do get stiff and cold.
Never enough for anyone to just hold.
Binges of binges.
Lies untold.
Just trying to find another old soul.
Lies untold.
Solice in silence.
Two years a prisoner.
Suicide attempts,
And hospital beds.
Copious amounts of pills.
Provoking a complex
Of conformity.
Breaking free.
**** normality.
Opening eyes
But what do I see?
Is all of this really me?
It's not.
My depths go deeper than these words.
I soar higher than birds.
And you'll never really ******* know me.

I miss your love.
Always like the tide.
An ocean bringing someone to shore.
Or finding a steady path on my own two feet.
Loving myself.
Being enough to myself.
To let me breathe.
But I still miss you..
And I wonder,
Endlessly,
Will I ever find that again?
Will anyone ever love me as much as you did?
Do you still?
I can't take much more of cheap thrills.
I like climbing mountains,
And diving deep depths.
Feeling full from someone's surface within.
I need.
I ******* need
Someone to stimulate me.
I need the earth to move,
Under my feet.
I need the riptides to drown me.
I need to suffocate.
I need to suffer from silence.
I already am.
And again,
Where are you?
Where are you
In life,
when you should be with me.
I don't use the word need.
But I need you.
I need you.
See me.
Free me.

Waves.
Waves.
In my ocean,
Keep a steady motion.
Don't stop flowing.
Recite the words that constantly
Bring me back to a solid shore.
No more.
No more
Wishful thinking.
Thinking has me feeling once again.
Feelings and I don't agree.
I do decree .
I solemnly sware.
My heart will never again be bare.
Fight through the baracades.
Get splinters by thorns.
Devilish horns.
And a snicker unmatched.
Attract.
Attract sin.
Skin on skin.
Thinking had me feeling to let you in.
I'm ******.

When are you going to go overseas and get shot?
Word *****.
Deep thoughts.
Your presence possesses the power to destroy.
Are you listening now?
Can you feel my noise?
I want you to feel the pain of payback.
Pondering if I should even say that.
Quick with a whit that slits wrists.
Back again with wordplay twists.
Screaming in my ears
And out my throat.
I hope you ******* choke.
The alcohol may feed your soul.
But it will never allow you to grow.
Childish and remorseful.
I may write it,
But I'll never stoop to their levels.
Undergraduates of real life.
Breathing once
Blinking twice.
Look left when you tell your lies.
Look right into someone's eyes.
Everyone can see it,
Not just I.
Eyes wide
But you still fail to see inside.
Cover your bruises with
Names
Drawn from a hat.
Combat.
Draw your knives,
You won't survive.

I know that it was ******* love
And that fact alone lifts me up.
To know I'm capable of extraordinary emotion.
But also knowing you may only have one great love
Is such a terrible let down.
To think the word love was wasted
On someone who inevitably
Was incapable of reciprocation.
It tares me up
To think you only have one love.
That reaches the depth of the ocean
And soars through mountains.
Maybe it was but infatuation.
Possession is not a product of love.
It pretty much leads to hating each other's guts.
Like a middle school crush.
High school lust.
All of it is a rush.
I guess it's all about choice.
And choosing the right wave to dive into.
Not letting yourself be cast away.
But finding someone who will sway your boat
Steadily back to shore.

Slick slits for eyes,
When you tell your lies.
That's why everyone around you dies.
The unwelcome sounds
Of choking from the inside.
Out.
Get out of my mind.
Find solice in time.
Breathing lessons for beginners.
*** lessons for sinners.
Suicide lessons for quitters.
Thinking lessons in life will make you all winners.
Admiring strength
In surety.
Of knowing who you are.
Where you want to go.
What you want to be.
Some die before they're able to achieve.
Goals
And gratitude.
Thanking their gods for judgement.
Unable to be who you want to be.
Stand up and set yourself free.

Music in your ears.
Music in your ears,
Freeing your fears.
Step out of the doubt.
Step out.
Step out of yourself
Holding you back.
Don't shed a single tear.
Don't let them see you cry.
Coping skills instilled
Since the age of nine.
All I want to do is take my time.
Time to breathe,
Time to see,
Time to be.
Beauty is ******* free.
It's all around you.
It's all around me.
Step back, open your eyes,
And believe.

Free falling into thoughts of you.
Is it so ******* bad to just wonder why?
Why it ever happened in the first place.
Time wasted, memories lost in translation.
Translating sanity
While going through the depths of hell.
And I'm sorry, ok.
I'm sorry for those nights in my car
Screaming at the top of my lungs.
Trying to find the ******* will
To just drive over that cliff.
And I'm sorry, ok.
I'm sorry that I put you in the category of a savior
Because at the time I didn't know how to save myself.
And sometimes I still dont.
It's like all those skills to cope
Go out the window with your fleeting hope.
Especially while holding a bottle of pills in one and a knife in the other hand.
Now the thoughts of you are fading
I feel like I am just decaying.
The lack of your touch.
The lack of that ******* euphoric love.
And I'm sorry, ok.
I sunk into my bed yet again today.
It's ******* hard to face the noise.
It's hard to feel the joys.
Fragments of a future
Are halted with a lack of breath.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of the tears
Bursting through my eyelids
Uncontrollably
When a stupid song comes on.
Provoking emotion.
I don't want to feel, self.
Don't you understand that by now?
It's too much.
I tried feeling once.
After a terrible loss.
And then I ******* died.
I was a phoenix that day.
And the reignighted fire
Burns deep
To keep
To keep ******* pushing through.
Just to breathe
Is sometimes enough
To smile.

I guess it's time to start writing again about tragedy.
Like the fact that my love life is lacking.
Pretty ******* tragic.
I'm missing the magic.
The spark.
Skin on skin.
Tongues twist.
Firm hands on my small wrists.
Is it really that weird to like small *****?
I don't even know how to write this.
I guess plain and simply stating,
I need to get laid.
Toys don't do the trick to rattle my cage.
I like the seductive tugging on my heartstrings.
I like trying new things.
Asphyxiation isn't new,
But I like that too.
Slow, sensual, passionately poetic flowing.
Or rough and tough, break walls and stuff kind of *******.
Ever growing.
Ever changing.
Breathing in sweaty skin.
I like that kind of
Comfortable sin.

**** man,
Torn between two people
Who are equally enthralling.
Both tearing my soul in opposite directions.
Both on my mind.
Both equally not wanting me at the same time.
Which leads me to thinking that I'm not enough.
I feel like I make the tides rough.
The seas get heavy with salt.
The pull.
The push.
The waves wash over me,
And I am anew.
If only,
If only I mattered to you.
I'm ******* delusional.
I should just get in my car and drive afar.
Far away.
From the life I've lived.
From the life that's defined me.
Leave everything behind.
Be free of my mind.

I always feel like words flow
With the alcohol inside my soul.
Ever encompassing by being.
This feeling is freeing.
Taking shots I can barely hold down.
Like the words that stay in my throat.
I want your presence to just go.
Escape me.
Let me be ******* free.
And I'll say it again,
Escape me.
Like a ghost
Haunting me.
Haunting my soul.
I just want for you to leave me alone.
I don't want you to invade my dreams.
I don't want to think of you when I just can't sleep.
I want to let my future grow.
I want to be more than you've ever even known.
Coming down to the fact that you never even knew me at all.
I'm a ******* flower.
Always in bloom.
Drawing you in with a beauty,
Untouchable.
Unknowing.
You don't know my name.
But I smell nice
So that is enticing enough.
Meet me in the forest,
Where my soul is bare.
Where I am me.
Free flowing with the dead trees.
I bloom and die
Bloom and die.
My presence is rebirthed
Over and over again.
I stand.
I stand as roots in the ground.
I am ******* sound.
I'll make you feel despair
Misery in everything
Yet, lift your spirit
To the highest of highs.
I'll make you fly
Like a blue bird.
Blue is all I see.
I used to see black, and sometimes green.
Now, all you see is me.
I invade your dreams.
You're in my thoughts as I am yours.
Euphoria only lasts so long it seems.
I'll always meet you in my dreams.

I still talk about you,
And how you encompassed my soul.
And honestly, that feeling will never go away.
It will always be like the first day.
Your lips on mine,
In my father's hallway.
Can you honestly say
You don't remember?
I will always be passionately enthralled with you.
The push and pull of exotic enticement.
The deftones will always bring me back to your bed.
In catasaqua,
With the slushies ballroom dancing
And the old dude watching us **** in the back seat of my Plymouth acclaim.
Of tripping endlessly,
And the saying "beauty is free"
From staring at dead trees.
The bench,
And the roof.
Those feelings will always lead back to you.
I can honestly say,
I will ways love you.
It was so easy for you to say you don't love me,
But yet you instilled the fact that you'd be the only one who would.
I know now,
No matter what you say,
That I will love you more than anyone
Who will ever come your way.
I will love you,
Forever and always.

Oh, my true north,
I will see you again.
I will love you
In another lifetime.
Your name will be forever on my lips.
And your kiss,
Your kiss will always be bliss.
There are pieces of you that live in every day.
There are parts of you that will always stay,
Even though you didn't.
And just know,
You'll always have a part of my soul.
You'll live in my heart forever and a day.
There is nothing on this earth that could take your memory away.
Like I said before;
If have turns to had, atleast we'll have that.
We have that,
Regardless of what we once had.

You think.
You think that you are in my thoughts.
Why do you have to have to have such a big head
To think that you are on my mind.
To even think that I'd waste my time.
You're not that important, really.
You don't invade my insides like you think you do.
Actually, I used to gag every time I went down on you.
But hey, have fun with the fact that when you ate my ****, you ate some guys **** too.
How does it feel to be used?
How does it feel to be knocked down off your pedestal?
Let that sink in, let it resonate for a bit.
And if you need me to make it clear,
It's simple,
I **** ****.
Do you even wanna know how many people came before you?
What did you expect?
I guess now you're finally able to understand blackouts and regret.
Have fun with that.
While you spiral downward,
I'm flying to the highest of highs.
I can honestly say,
I ******* love my life.

My hair is everywhere.
And I like infidelities,
You know,
Like the song.
Taking you somewhere.
There are pictures that speak louder than a thousand words combined.
The stories lie in my eyes.
That certain look that gets you every time.
Little do you know that most times the pictures I take take pieces of my soul.
But I'd gladly relive certain moments again.
Just to feel the rushing sting of loss.
Just to feel your touch.
Break myself down, to build myself up.
And each time the baracade around my heart gets more tough.
I am no longer see through.
I no longer see you.
It's only a feeling if we don't forget it.
Well, I don't feel a ******* thing,
Because I've already forgotten you.

Today is fire.
It's fire.
It's fire.
She burns like a thousand thorned roses.
Crashing downward to
Eternal hell fire.
Will you be my heroine?
Will you be my ******?
Make me dull and numb.
Make me lose myself in time.
Make me forget my name.
I exist only in memories that now a days
Black out and forget.
Black.
Everything is black.
And dark.
Feeling my way to the exit sign.
Big red letters.
Flashing lights.
It all comes around full circle.
To you.
And loss.
I can't remember my name.
I can't remember where I am.
Where are you?
The only ocean that could bring me to shore
Too bad I ******* drowned.
Blue lips, choking on words
Dead corpse, going limp.
Rigamortis.
I'm solid.
Solid.
Numb.
Dead.

I sat in a corner of a room filled with noise.
I saw you.
And all I wanted to do was get up,
Hug you,
And say,
I forgive you.
Instead I drowned myself in alcohol,
In hopes to forget the reaccuring thoughts rushing in.
You hugged her.
She hugged you.
Like nothing bad ever existed in the first place.
Like she never even believed me at all.
So I drove
And I screamed at the top of my lungs
For someone to just wrap me up in their arms.
While I collapsed
While I fell and hit rock bottom again.
Tears seeping through every pore within.
And we aren't friends.
Because I asked for help, and you were too wasted to care.
And I asked for you to tell me to stop,
But instead,
With no response,
I just downed pill after pill,
Because really, you don't care at all.
And I ******* needed you, in my darkest hour.
But you showed your character.
I should have known from the begining,
The colors of your heart
Because you didn't even show up for your dad's funeral.
And I'd honestly die all over again if you tried to show up at mine.

I still can't get you off my tongue.
Or out of my mind.
I want the thoughts of you to end.
Deeper thinking has me thinking
Everything was a lie.
Why did you make me fly?
Now my wings are clipped
And I'm sky diving without a parachute.
Hoping that soaring will save me.
Hoping you'll be there to catch me in the end.
But you're nowhere to be found.
No words escape.
Lessons in the dark.
Lessons in time.
Of time.
On time.
How much time will it take for me to forget your name?
That's the thing about the ties of men.
And maybe not even men.
Just the act of letting people in general in.
You give them a chance to break you with every word you speak.
Every aspect of breathing becomes a not so sure thing.
Why do people have to hurt so bad.
Why do we feel the need for them to intertwine within our lives?
When did we as humans lose touch with the contentment of being alone?
Nerves are a wreck.
I hope you think of those nights as more than just regret.
My lips will always blissfully remember yours.
How you were supposed to be the crashing of waves to a steady shore.
How you were supposed to be the brightest light in my dark tunnel of hope.
Once again I'm homeless and alone.
Building bridges in my heart for you to walk upon.
Navigate your way through my tearing heartstrings.
Sew them back together.

You know what?
*******.
I may have liked your small ****.
But you're still a ******* *****.
Words speak volumes.
Or the lack thereof.
I hope you read this and ******* *****.
You're gonna read this ten years from now.
And remember how I swallowed your kids.
You're gonna remember how I rode your ****.
You're gonna remember how I let you eat my ****.
You're gonna remember the four hour long ****** sessions spent inside me.
And I hope it makes you think how though you got inside me, you never really got inside.
You never even knew me.
You saw what I show everybody.
And if you really think that you ******* mattered,
Well, I'm not a liar.
Because ten years from now
I'll still ******* taste you on my lips.
And spit out the word fool.
Because I am a paradoxal universe.
But fool is how I feel.
All those talks felt so surreal.
You knew I was ****** from day one,
So why did you **** me?
Or, rather, why did I let you?
Why did you ask for deep meaning things?
Are you in to mind fuckery?
I hate that I can't take back the parts of me that I gave you.
And my chest hurts from thinking about you all the ******* time.
Leave my mind.
I'll never get back that time.
You jumped off the roller coaster ride.
Before you even won the prize.
But that really comes as no surprise.
I guess it's a let down, thinking I saw a different side.
Seeing in different light.
Lessons are learned from everything hurtful we try to hide from our minds.
Just ******* stop already.
Because I can't move in halves.
I can't breathe in halves.
I can't be in halves.
I need a whole friendship, if anything.

Falling asleep in a dark corner of a mess.
Distress signals.
Distress signs.
Can I be your witness?
Blue is all I see
Glowing.
Don't take that from me.
And blue, it shines it's light on everything
On everything bright.
I'm ******* bright.
I glow.
I shine.
The gates of heaven are opening up their arms to me.
I fly every day.
Just knowing the universe saved me.
I'm alive.
I'm breathing.
Untouchable,
Unstoppable
Unencompassed.
Time to make another u turn.
React.
Retract.
Relapse.

This isn't a poem.
More of an update...
I'm really excited and happy that I kicked myself in the *** and started a Facebook page. Though I think I'm quite bad at figuring out how to work it. I like how this site works better, but honestly want to reach a far wider audience. I want my words to surpass time and space. Also, if anyone would like to follow me on a more personal level here you go:

IG: Biscuit1389
Facebook page thing:
https://m.facebook.com/Biscuit1389/

To all of you who take the time to read my words, I thank you from the deepest depths of my being. ♡

It's the hardest thing to admit.
To face facts and contemplate on turning off the switch.
Every time I come close, something inside me says stop.
Which just leads to inevitable loss.
Because getting a taste of friendship without expectations, actually leads to me expecting we'd have that forever.
But these feelings don't come easily.
It took so much of me.
And I fumbled, and I faught,
Which caused you to flee.
I hoped for more.
I hoped that you'd be the ocean to my shore.
Always being the rush of current, guiding me to steady ground.
And I know
I know I have that for myself.
Epitomes and ****.
I wish it wasn't so easy for you to quit.
I'm capable of being my own sound.
I'll always wear my jagged crown.
Maybe I saw someone who wasn't afraid to get splinters while tearing through the thorns around my throne.
Feeling is just not a good feeling to me.
Because I was destroyed by the same fluttering.
And that was bad, but this is worse.
Because the destruction came in other ways, but I knew that there was something else.
And the constant question on my mind, is if you ever even cared at all?
And wondering if I even knew the real you.
Why is it always that the one person we don't want to even think about, we can't stop writing about?
I guess it's just finally time to say enough is enough.
The wondering feeling is torture.
It's rough.
I guess here's to hoping I have the strength to give up.
I guess it's true what they say, the thing worth holding onto wouldn't have let go in the first place.

Peace, hope and love.
But always remember that beauty is free.
****, I sound like a hippie,
And I don't even smoke ****.
Labels are stupid though.
Do all hippies even smoke ****?
Whatever, I'm just me.
And honestly, that's all I can be.
I have ears that listen
And a mouth that speaks.
A mind that rarely shuts off.
Eyes wide open
And a heart full of love.
I think the combination may be deadly to one's soul.
Because in all honestly, if ever you have the privilege to know me.
To really know me.
You'll always feel like you're missing something when you don't anymore.
When you don't have me.
I feel at times I give pieces of myself to people that I will never get back.
But it's not a loss of my pieces.
It's a gain to touch lives.
I'll always stay inside.
You.
You'll never be able to forget me.
Even if you try.

Life is hard, dude.
But hard times don't mean
End times.
Because, believe me I've tried.
To end time.
During those hard times.
And yet, I'm still alive.
I'm a pretty firm believer in
I'm not living, I'm just killing time.
But yet, I'm still alive.
Everything is in yourself.
You can be whoever you want to be.
You're free, and you're free to choose.
But all in all I hope the choice leads to good over evil.
And that, all in all, you exude
Positivity.

I'm capable of writing about positivity.
And how negative things most times escape me.
I'm capable of telling you that you are not just a product of your life thus far.
And that you're capable of living.
But maybe I just like sad ****.
Most times it's not even sad.
It's emotion.
Feeling through words.
And music.
Because I've spent years feeling through people.
And I've learned, that it will always be a let down.
And let's face it, let downs ****.
So I live with no expectations.
But I strive for greatness.

So yeah, I write a lot of sad ****.
But this one isn't going to be.
This is going to be my future life.
Of writing books, that get sold over seas.
Of all the amazing souls I have yet to meet.
Of all the people who are going to travel just to hear me read.
Of all the various feelings my words provoke.
Because honestly, if I've ever made you feel a ******* thing from reading what I write, then my purpose is complete.
I want to touch lives.
I want to make your darkest days feel alive.
As well as make you wonder why your happy at all.
Or what happiness even is.
I want to make you question everything,
As well as believe that there are more than one or two ways of thinking.
And for the record, **** silence.
Because I'll always be on the cusp of Aries and Taurus.
And I'll never quite know how to keep my mouth shut.
And for the record, I like how even that statement can be misconstrued to form a negative opinion of me.
But that's what I love.
To rattle the cages of one's heart.
To battle the most serious of thoughts.
To write words provoked by others, but mostly about myself.
And I guess when reading my stuff, in life, you should know that sometimes I write to myself, and that you may not mean you, and your may mean my or I.
Regardless of this wordplay twist, the words I write will make you think.
And with that said, my job is complete.

I felt like writing something deeper than anything before.
On a conversation.
Ode to your spirituality,
And the words you said, that resonate in my mind.
You know, the time that your on that couch, and your knees are being shoved apart.
And you're saying no.
And you're shutting down.
When it's done, repaint the picture.
Hug your abuser.
Saying "I forgive you"
And truly meaning it,
Is the hardest, but most priceless gift
That you could ever give yourself.
Because maybe you know the life your abuser has led may have been tragic.
Like getting screamed at, or locked in closets.
Or maybe they are just that.
Repaint the picture, and when the image is done replaying, say "I forgive you".
Open the door to the rest of your life.
To the newfound freedom those words actually allow.

Why are women like god?
Creatures made of stardust.
Shining.
Brilliantly, radiant.
Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn.
I burn.
I burst.
I break.
Encompassing every part of my soul.
Feel the noise.
Feel the joys.
Feel me.
Touch every part of me I hide.
Reach your hands into my rib cage and grab hold of my heart.
I've always liked your art.
Words are often like fighting.
Fighting flighting demons within.
Yourself.
You.
Stand tall and be.
Believe.
Sometimes you don't need to see.
It's a feeling.
It's a feeling.
That feeling is me.
It's like hopelessness and hope.
On your worst days, you pray to just cope.
Everything is everything.
Everything is nothing.
It's all around us.
It's all around us.
Spinning worlds of wisdom
And truth.
The truth is.
The truth is a lie.
I'll live with my secrets until I die.
Open mouth, closed eyes.
Feel me.
Free me.
Seeing is believing.

Trust is a lie.
Nobody ever really knows anyone.
Truth only leads to mistrust.
Which is why people lie to begin with.
In the hopes of holding on.
I've always been one to find it difficult
To hold on.
Which is why I choose to embrace truth.
The steady embrace of pushing people away.

I'm tired of standing still.
There is only one way to go.
Forward moving with
One foot in front of the other.
This waiting game has become
A course of feeling
Unpleasant.
I resign myself from playing.
I hold myself higher these days.
I refuse to feel used.
I'm not here for your convenience.
To come and go as you choose.
Release me.
Release me.
From the hands that bind
The turns of time.
Let me be free of my mind.
I want my planted roots to grow like vines.
I want to shine.
Elevate into the sun soaked sky.
I want to fly.
Free.
Free.
I wear a crown, but it is rusted.
I see with eyes blurred.
I breathe shallow breaths.
I am but a glorious mess.
Broken to be strong like you.
Broken to not speak unless spoken to.
Broken to not show emotion.
All this is just a notion.
My eyes are blurred but not blind.
They are wide.
They are wide.
I see too much.
I say too much.
I do too much.
Everything just leads back to nothing.
Abandoned.
Abandoned.
You're leaving.
You left.
You're gone.
And still the hands of time remain.
And the words,
And the motions.
Of on letting go, and taking things slow.
"The poems you write are supposed to flow."
"Read this, write like that."
"Don't be foolish."
"Don't combat."
"Unless it's combat boots, because that's rad"
Well, all I have to say is
**** that.
But yeah, combat boots ARE rad.

You are,
Sunlight shining with stars bright,
A rare breed.
Looking into your eyes has a way of setting me free.
We do not surpass time and space,
Instead we trace the weathered lines on each others' face.
Memories cause us to have those old souls.
Nobody knows.
We both continue to grow.
We ******* glow,
When we collide,
Our chemicals seem to mix just right.
What the ****, you even cause me to rhyme..
I don't have rhythm, and i sure as hell can't sing, but with you, with you, I don't feel that sting.
I'm over on this flowing ****.
I'll just be direct and say you're the only one I wanna kick it with.
You know that "hit it" bizz
As long as you don't quit it quick.
Deeper levels entwine
Our bodies like vines.
Sleeping actually feels right.
We fit, we mix, we both like ****.
I fell off the beat, so yeah,
**** it.

Intoxication
Leads to skin on skin.
Embracing sobriety
Has me closed off
Once again.
There's that feeling.
Wondering.
Wondering
If this means anything.
Something
Nothing.
For what it's worth,
It means everything to me.
I know you see
When you look at me.
The longing in my eyes.
My body is a guarded temple.
And you're the only one with the key.
Knock knock knocking
But you're free to come in.

It's not about the person who comes after you.
It's thinking there will actually be a person
after you,
because I can't fathom the idea of anyone
meaning as much as
you do.
You invade my brain.
I can feel you coursing through my veins. But I guess I need
to just face the plain and simple truth, that I have yet
to even meet 'you'.

I'm withdrawing.
Running and hiding.
You'll see in time that it's for the best.
I'm at a standstill while time is constantly moving forward
Forward moving.
I can't pretend.
I need to stop before I'm in over my head.
I'd rather embrace the feeling of wanting to be dead.
The end is always inevitable.
I don't want to wait to find out.
I'm ending this here.
I'm ending this now.
I need a drink, but instead I'm gonna take a couple sleeping pills and drift into the abyss.
Far from words that sting egos.
Far from hands of time.
That only keep people at arms length
Safe from harm.
Safe harbor.
Safe haven.
Safe camp.

Why did you choose to swoop in and prey on me?
I am but a bee, relearning to fly; never managing to learn how to use my stinger.
Which is why I always starve.
I can't feed the queen.
I can't feed myself.
I run in the colonies of those who do just fine alone.
But I surely can not be.
I was learning.
I was learning to move my little bee feet, and learning to buzz on flowers to eat, and especially learning how to flow my wings with the breeze.
You were helping me.
And then one day you decided, that it just didn't matter if I knew how to eat, or fly, or even survive.
You just left in the blink of an eye.
That's honestly the day I said **** it and died.

I felt sick, so I cut out my stomach.
Hoping that the nauseous feeling would cease.
I felt like crying, so I cut out my eyes.
Because showing emotion just doesn't suffice.
I felt like speaking, so I slit my throat.
Because choking on blood is better than choking on word *****.
I felt my heart; the strings inside, breaking.
So I let them rip, and tare a hole in my chest.
And it wasn't the lack of being able to eat, or see, or breathe and speak that even came close to killing me.
Feeling killed me.
That which feeds your entirety, when broken, has the power to end lives.

I'm writing this now, at this present moment in time, on the fly.
A million thoughts rushing through my mind.
I had a plan to do things today, that obviously didn't get done.
I took my dog out and noticed the sun.
So I pulled my hood up, and when he was done I just came right back in.
I did, however, take notice to the passing of cars and my delusional mind just hoped that you'd be in one.
That you'd feel my presence dying.
I couldn't help but look down each time, because I spent the night crying and I don't like being noticed when my eyes are shining.
Rescue me.
The thoughts I have are drowning me.
I've got myself, and a throne I've built inside a castle of ******* thorns.
Keeping everyone that tries to get close held back by my bull horns.
My difficulties, and particularity.
My drinking problem that Im trying to acknowledge as an actual problem.
I have a diagnosis, a long one at that, but I don't like to be defined by it.
I don't like to let it hold me back.
I guess if all I have for myself is to say that hey, I'm breathing today, then that should make the day okay.
But today, I'm suffocating on my sadness.
Asphyxiating thoughts are keeping me from steady breaths and it's hard to just be.
I need some ******* sleep.
It's been two days of trying.
I don't like the feeling of flying.
Dozing off feeling like I'm free falling has hindered my eyes from staying shut.
It's taking a toll.
Enough is enough.
When will this weakness stop?
Why is there a line between need and want?
Ive never wanted anything more than for someone to just walk through my door.
Presence provokes persistence.
Pull through, keep pushing.

I'm fighting for a future.
Bright.
To read, and listen, and write.
I know I speak in words untimed.
Half of my **** doesn't even rhyme.
Everything is processed and resolved
In time.
What does it mean to be human to you?
What is it like to constantly move?
What is it like to hold a gun?
On your worst days, what thoughts do you have?
Do you sit and face the facts, or run?
Speak in tongues.
Throw your hands up to the ******* sun.
And scream,
Scream at the top of your lungs.
I am human, and I, by far am not perfect.
I don't believe in perfection, actually.
Because in truth, flaws are reality.
And I've always been a firm believer that beauty is free.
I see it in the form of dead trees.
It's all around us all of the time.
All you have to do is open your eyes.
Just open your eyes.
Open your eyes.
Open your eyes.
And see.
There are deeper depths to the souls you meet.

Unbridled burning red.
Eyes.
Come what may.
Save these feelings for another day.
Maybe I should learn to pray.
Pray to a god I don't believe in.
Pray for peace and
And.
Just to keep breathing.
Shallow.
Beating.
Numb.
I'm not cold.
On fire, hot like the sun.
Rays, rays shine from that great white light.
Is this what it's like to burn?
Run, run, run.
From the trigger of a gun.
Bang, bang, bang.
The big bad wolf is at it again.
And I'm still seeing blue.
Dark blue in a grey hued room.
I'm still seeing you.
Take off the masks that the monsters wear, and you'll see,
You'll ******* see,
They are but human, too.
And we all falter, and we all fail.
To choose, over choice.
Choosing life?
Soul on soul,
Uplifting.
Forgiving.
Forgive me for my sins.
Do unto yourself as what's been brought out by them.
By them.
By men.
**** what you thought was true.
**** everything you believe in.
*******.
*******.
*******.
The opposite of what you know is also true.
**** the end and begin again.
This is not a replayed tape.
This is this.
Just what it is.
Just let it be.
It is what it is.
Believe, believe.
Free falling.
Free your mind, and you'll find me.
Please just say I'll stay in your memory.
And when the wind blows,
You'll feel me.
Lost and found.
Lost.
But you have me.
And if have turns to had, atleast we'll have that.
A piece of me will always live in you.

I took four pills in hopes I'd sink, and then took four more to **** this sting.
The ache in my chest isn't going away. I'm not fading into my bed like the usual haze.
Have I built up that much of a tolerance?
I think I need something stronger than this.
My medicine is running out and surely without it I will die.
But I've been told before that you can't die from anxiety or panic attacks.
I think that's a lie.
Because when the things I can't control come rushing in, my heartstrings rip, tear, and break.
And I know for a fact that you can die from that.
Loss of breath, loss of air, loss of oxygen.
Just sum up everything to loss.
What stage am I on?
I think there are five, but every single one I go through I think that I'll decay.
It's like a constant circle of words on replay.
Those words that affect me and hinder my day.
Regressing is not a good feeling.
Remembering is not a good feeling.
Feeling is not a good ******* feeling.
Can't I just go back to being numb?
Can't I just go back to before you lit me up with your sun.
Light shines on a corner in the room.
Bodies entwine.
But this is not a cure or a solvant for what's happening inside.
You say you're not like the rest,
But I can't help but feel like I'm the cause of this mess.
I enter lives and then they end up destroyed.
I am a walking breathing shock wave of feelings.
And everything leads back to leaving.
Run, run, run.
Be sure not to play with guns.
Or knives.
Sharp objects have to be hidden from sight.
I dare you to speak your mind.
You are confined to four walls, getting shots just to conform inside.
God forbid you have a thought in your own head.
God forbid you actually speak. But speaking reality just turns into screaming.
And then it's a battle of whits and fists.
Fighting the knots tied to your wrists.
Thrashing in a cold bed, four white walls closing in.
Please, please, please don't touch me again.
Please, I'll conform, I'll take your stupid pills, I'll pretend like I'm normal. I'll shut up and fall in line, I'll take the shot right into my spine.
I'll go limp, and fade away.
And then will come another day.
But tomorrow, don't worry, I'll have nothing to say.
I've learned my lesson I promise. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of this.
This is substance.
Sustanance.
This is my soul leaving my body.
This is me losing time.
I guess somewhere inside, though, there is still a fight to shine.

I wanted to say this now, because I'm ****** up on pills.
That I'm destroying my life.
Wasting my time.
And the words that you said to me still resonate in my mind.
I feel the blame is steady, on my shoulders.
I hold the weight of the world like heavy boulders.
Screams come out with no sound.
And every resemblance of a word that makes it out through my lips is just your name.
I am bound.
I am tied to the years spent thinking this could last.
I am confined to the jewelry and shoes.
Almost leading us to an altar. Almost saying "I do."
The foundation was cracked from the begining so we packed concrete into the holes hoping we could make this house a home.
But the wind blew.
And the tornado came with rays of sun.
Taking you with the four steady walls I built my life upon.
Along with the words I love you.
Because that day the tornado came and went, love died and the rain washed away any resemblance of a home.
Now I find myself homeless and alone.
And I guess I can't help but to believe what you said, that no one will ever love me more than you did.
You instilled it in me with words enforced by a song and songs.
I think it was just to make sure I'd stay numb.
And I think what hurts the most is the fact that you took flight the second you noticed me becoming strong.
I built myself up and then you were gone.

Turmoil.
The epic adventure begins.
Dead trees surround the sadness within.
Beauty is free.
Beauty is ******* free.
I'll never fall in love again, so you're just wasting your time.
Give up before you begin.
I am nothing.
I am flesh, and bone, and skin covered with scars.
My body is just a body
Use me, abuse me.
**** me, **** me up. **** me hard.
Make me ******* feel.
Make me numb.
Make me give up.
I already have.
Searching for a way out without the inevitable let down.
**** all of you.
******* all.
I don't give a **** about any one of you *****.
People are meaningless and forgettable, as are words and motions and ******* time.
Time.
Time is ******* precious and I've spent enough of it.
I'm spent.
I'm fading.
All I will ever be is a memory, if ever you even remember.
Will you remember me?
As time moves forward, memories get lost in translation.
Translating the name.
Translating sanity,
I am not sane.
I give up.
I'm pulling away, pushing closer to plan A.
I'm a fleeting thought.
I am human after all.
All those born will someday die, and die alone.
Nobody really gets anyone, nobody ******* understands.
I mean, they say they do, like they have you all figured out, but lying has come as second nature.
The ultimate lie being "I'm fine."
I'm fine, I'm ok, I'm breathing today.
I'm breathing today and I guess that's ok.
Conforming my inner self to live outwardly for others.
****.
Just give me hope.
A change of scenary.
A better thought process.
All I've ever known is dependency.
It's a shame. I preach peace, and clarity.
But really that's not me.
I am a distraught thought of past tragedy.
A tape on replay.
Half the time I'm naked, it's not you who's ******* me.

It comes in waves, the chaos, the pain. Where did everything go wrong? The fluttering flight of heartstrings getting pulled by loss. Drowning out the pounding noise my chest makes and the steady gasps for struggled breath. We are all our own savior; I am my own god.

Finger on the trigger
Freedom, run, or?
Is there another option?
Before I turn to drugs to solve my problems.
**** the noise with the bullet
Playing Russian roulette.
As if that will solve it.
The solution is clear.
Save yourself from inevitable fear.
Every time I close my eyes.
I despise myself.
Check myself, before I wreck myself.
Truth is I don't give a **** about no one else.
You think it's easy to see the things I see?
Ptsd, and i haven't even served a war in another country.
Nah, I just get ****** in my dreams.
Waking up, holding back my screams.
Endless cycle looking for a way out.
How the **** do I end this now?
In too deep, no way to sleep.
Pray for life, my soul to keep.
Stepping on these stones, one foot in front of the other I'm like a drone.
The light will surely guide me home.

The ultimate struggle of
"On Letting Go"
Repeat that five times.
Swallow, rinse, repeat.
Swallow, rinse.
Swallow.
Alcohol, alcohol.
Pills to make you feel alive.
And all your trying to do is survive
Survive.
Survive.
******* breath.
Breathe.
Don't. Do. It.
Don't choke.

Though the perception is to live free,
That whole picture perfect life is always embedded. Instilled in all of us from birth.
Work, ******* work, and strive to do that family frenzy, nice house, nice car *******. **** the normalities of society. **** being. Sometimes just to breathe, to exist, to live, all of the above is a blessing. Sometimes it's a savior for yourself, but most times it's just a form of conformity for others. We are all ******* robots, one foot in front of the other, sir. March, march, march. Is it April yet? Have I made it yet? Another year of being the least successful person, the woah is me, the pitty party. Stop looking at me. Stop ******* looking at me with those eyes that tare up my insides. Stop feeling. Stop the noise. Just stop. Just stop. Oh yay! Another birthday soon to pass. Another year to conform to the systematic resemblance of what a family is supposed to be.

Displaced.
No memories relevant, none forgotten, nothing remembered.
A search for sleep.
A search for reality.
Wake up
Wake the **** up, little bee.
Time to open your eyes and see.
Conform.
Rise.
Fight
Flee.
Away, away, away.
Never to look back.
You'll never be free.
Shine in your discovery
Run from inevitable destruction.
Run into the arms of deceit and let downs; suffering is second nature.
Don't fool yourself, kid.
I'm always naive to the word use.
Use, use, used.

He never wanted me for me, he just wanted me for the come stains on his sheets.
To get inside me deep.
To **** me in my sleep and invade my endless dreams.
I believed all the endless words,
Lies told to undress my soul.
I let him in, which was my biggest mistake.
Concrete castle, I'll never open the gates.
The other half of my brain screams
You're not the reason or the rhyme.
The line or the quote.
You're every ******* word, every letter, all the signs.
Tame tame tame, sweet lioness.
Hold on, just wait. Wait for forever if that's what it takes.
But see, I've spent lifetimes waiting in the past. Holding myself back.
So one day I vowed, come what may.
Take everything in stride, never ever abide.
Alway ******* hide.
Just hide it away.
All the ******* pain.
Until it just ceases to exist.
I don't exist.
I'm fools gold
Sweet wrapped delicate flower.
But I'll be sure to give you cavities and make your teeth fall out.
You'll eat too much.
Too fast.
Never stopping to brush your teeth and think.
Never stopping to look in the mirror and ask yourself who do I see?
Because you'll start not to see anything, anyone, but me.
I'll invade your lungs like cancerous cigarette smoke.
Every inhaled word with danger between your lips.
Your body will rot from my touch, or lack there of.
You'll get sick and shake, have to take cold showers just to think.
At the same time not having a thought in your head.
All the signs read caution:
But you just can't help to dive right into inevitable destruction.
Your mind reads need. Need. NEED.
And by that point mines only on flee.
My disappearing act is second nature.
Now you see me, now you dont.