Sometimes I'll graze
And my eyes will wonder
Onto the now dead flowers
In the corner of my room
Of course I'll think of you
Of your words
And how I destroy you.
But it's a fleeting thought
Because I'm more than destruction.
You just didn't have the patience
To let me evolve.
I'm never going in a box again.
I will not mend myself
To fit into anyone's standards.
I will not deceive me
To be someone you will love.
I choose me, in all light
And dark.
I choose myself
Because in the end,
Everyone dies alone
And in the end
I'm all that matters.

I live, but struggle to breathe.
I fight an endless losing battle.
The outcome will always be the same.
Death will take us all away.
In the end, nothing really matters.
Memories become void.
Emotionless emotions become the normality of an existence that is so lost and broken. Its all one big facade. Shaken from the past, too afraid to fly. Too afraid to live, too scared to die. Stuck in shades of grey. There is no left or right, black or white. It's a constant moving force of one foot in front of the other. Holding tears back, in fear of ruining the make up on my eyes that you never let me wear in the first place. It's struggling and fighting against yourself to not pick up that knife. Slice. Slice. Slice. It's a song on repeat in the back of my mind. Cryptic words and mind ***** only lead to future cuts and blood. That's how I allow myself to feel. For the tears to be able to flood. The panic sets in, once again. For the sake of everyone else, never minding what's good for me. For the sake of everyone else's sanity. And I hide and play my part like the good daughter, like the good family member that never gets spoken to. Like the good person I pretend to be. But all the hate I have is always directed toward me. I hate every single one of you *****. I don't want your ******* love. I want you to leave me alone. I don't want compassion or pitty or pleasantries. I'm used to getting ***** in my ******* dreams. Don't be nice to me. Feed my soul With what it deserves; hurt, make me ******* scream. I scream inside every day. I claw myself from the inside out, beating and breaking my rib cage to stop my heart from constantly pounding in my ears. My eyelids are heavy now, because I guess you should know I'm an addict too. Anything to surpress the void, or the feeling, or anything at all. Anything to stop everything. This numb feeling is what I need to get by. This numb feeling is my best friend in life. This numb ******* feeling actually makes me feel alive. All I really am is dead inside. Which actually poses a question to all my conquests; what was it like to **** a corpse?

I sometimes live
To the fullest of fullest extents.
I shine so ******* bright
And elevate everyone around me
With positive energy.
Positivity.
But, really
Time is just elapsing.
Time is wasted on making memories.
Only to disappoint you
When I'm not around.
I sometimes die
Inside.
I break.
I break down and fall the **** apart.
I hide in the deepest corners of my mind.
And something inside sometimes screams
Climb!
Climb!
Climb!
But I bite my nails
So I can't latch on.
And my body is frail
So I can't even walk.
I succumb to my fate.
The inevitable.
The welcomed.
The hopeful last breath
I'll ever have to take.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Or fate,
Or destiny?
Gratification came from that first day.
The first moment you spit words through a microphone.
Touching my soul
With your poetic justice.
Screaming deeper meanings.
Yearning to know every part of your mind.
Even the parts you try to hide.
I wanna get inside.
I want to bury myself in the deepest of depths of you.
Be that voice of reason,
Be that indestructible fluttering feeling.
I want to be your hope on days when you don't feel like you have anything.
Because you'll always have me.
You have me.
I'm here.
And I'm not going anywhere.
I want to see the light in your eyes, every day, especially when you look at me.
Star gaze.
I'll make you shine.

This feeling is so overwhelming.
I don't know how to tell if it is real,
Or just another convoluted idea
A delusional thought in my head.
I want so badly to say those three
Pulsatingly powerful words
To you.
My sun, my moon.
But I feel as though it may be too soon.
You bring light to my darkness
You make stars collide inside
Your energy makes me feel alive
All i want is to always be by your side
I wanna ride this wave of feelings
Consuming every ounce of my being.
This movement is freeing.
I.
Getting closer to the ground
That euphoric rush of sound
Your voice.
Your voice lifts me up when I am down.
You pull my heartstrings in more than one direction.
Love.
Isn't real.
I don't know how to feel.
Facade, fakery.
I need to make this moment me.
Breaking walls so I can fly free
And not just in my endless dreams.
You.
Complete me.
Make me whole.
I don't wanna live this life alone.
I see you in all light
I see you in the dark.
I want you
I want your good and bad
I want everything in between.
And you say you need me.
And I finally get to the point in the poem where I scream at the top of my lungs,
Just tell me you love me.
Always.
Wishing.

Stop hiding.
Abiding.
You are not that person
In the back of your head
Telling you not to share,
not to care
YOU ARE NOT A ROBOT!
Don't hold yourself back
Ever
Because of the failures of
Others
Outsiders
Today is a new day
I acknowledge you
Trying.

You said I was your muse
Your reason to paint
Now you're falling off
You lost me
You lost me
I'm gone.
You said you don't love me.
But I know you ******* need me.
I bring things,
Unemaginable joyous things,
To your lonely life.
You chose this.
You chose this new life
of misery
Always wondering
what is truth and
what is lie.
You chose to be alone inside.
I had hope for us
But hopes love lost
Time has run out
I'm a muse for someone else.

I like that sad slow jazz.
With the trumpets
and the sax.
It reminds me how to feel
And live
And die
All at once.
It moves mountains in my soul
And makes my eyes rain
Rainbows.
It's like seeing color
in black and white
All the while freeing
My soul.
It sets me on fire
Yet puts out the flame.
Yeah, I like that sad
That sad slow jazz.
That whirlwind
Buzzing
Flying
Flight of a sound.
That melody and harmony
That strength
And sorrow.
Oh I like,
I like that sad slow jazz
It reminds me
Of love.

We accept the love we think we deserve
And I deserve you
No matter how much I hate myself
I know I deserve you.
That's why
I let you love me
And I accept it
And I'm breaking down walls
I'm tearing through all the parts of me
That just want to push you away.
I'm letting you love me
And I deserve it.

Your eyes shine
Like the sun
When you look at me.
The twinkle in your eye pierces my soul.
I hope this is love and not lust.
I hope that I trust and not run.
My eyes shine
Like the sun
When I look at you.
I see into your beautiful soul.
Your strength is impeccable.
Encouraging.
Your touch
Your kiss
Is my savior
You
Save me.

There are two outcomes to love pulling on the heartstrings of suffering
Writing
Or death.
I choose pen on paper
Rather than a blade to my wrist.

Why?
Why?
The timing is all wrong.
You should have left me nine plus years ago,
When I didn't know who I was.
If I was straight
Or gay
Or just me.
You should have left me when I found comfort in the arms of tragedy
And alcohol.
Men and women.
Downward spiraling to
Self destruction.
Yet you waited
You waited to tare me down
And make me feel every ounce of pain that I put you through.
Not in actions
But words are far worse.
Because you told me that you love me
And made me believe it
And your arms were the only ones I wanted
But it took me years to truly open myself up to you.
To break down all of the walls I put up
To stop subconsciously destroying Myself
Destroying you in the process.
Not knowing that the whole time
You were the one who was going to inevitably destroy me.
Nine years.
And all the smiles
And tears
And ****** up words
And break ups
And make ups
And above all,
Love.
After all that ******* feeling
Poured into three words.
After I fully gave
My entire self
My entire being
To you.
You woke up one day
And decided
That you just don't love me
Anymore.
And I broke into
A million little pieces
And in every piece
I wonder
If you ever
Ever even
Loved me
At all.

So here it lies
A story to tell
Of a distraught past
Posing as a way to the future.

You lifted me up
Only to tear me down
You wiped my tears away
Only to be the cause

I have no one to blame but you.
I have no one to blame but myself.
I have no one to blame.

Do you think I'm pretty when I cry?
Staring death right in the eyes.
Moving mountains with the screams inside.
Does it scare you that I'm not afraid to die?