I feel like a piece of me is always missing.
I'm not whole.
Nor will I ever be.
I tried to fight.
I try to pretend like I'm whole.
But I'll never hold my own heart.
I can never give it to someone else.
She has it
She will always have it.
Forever and a day.
Forever and always.
I don't care what depths of hell
I had to endure.
She will always be the cure.
She will always be my true north.
My compass star.
No other will ever even compare.
Tear filled eyes.
Struggling to breathe.
Over a ******* feeling.
I don't want to feel.
I don't want to feel anymore.
Just take me away.
Use me.
**** me up.
Pain is a replacement.
Death is always more peaceful
Than life.

Finding an escape in a maroon bag.
I'm almost out.
Three just wasn't enough.
It lasted awhile,
But the euphoria doesn't last long.
This feeling reminds me of you.
Touching me.
It's the closest thing
To the feeling of love.
Replacement.
I resent myself.
I wish nothing ever ******* happened.
Then I wouldn't feel the lack.
The lack of everythig good and bad.
All at once.
You always were my compass star.
You were the truest north
In my universe.
I'm sorry I'm so ****** up.
How many times does "I'm sorry"
Have to escape from my lungs?
I resolve to not have any emotions.
I don't want to let myself feel.
Except when it comes to you.
I can't stop.
I can't do anything to escape
The prison of everything.
Consuming my being.
Confining.
Suffocating.
******* suffocate me.
Choke me until I beg for air.
Bruise my body all over.
I liked seeing our lust
As a painting
On my body.
I was your canvas for the night.
Fingers deep in my air way.
Broken glasses.
Broken promises.
I promised myself
I'd never let you have me again.
It hurts.
It hurts so ******* bad.
I'm going mad.
I belong in a ******* hospital bed.
A future promised.
You promised me.
You promised you'd always love me.
That I'd never be alone.
I can't do this without you.
You were my ******* god.
I worshiped you.
You were my hope.
You were everything.
Everything.
And now I have ******* nothing.
I feel like nothing
Without you.

I had a spur of the moment
Random decision.
To turn left and take the bridge.
I saw you walking.
I saw you.
You saw me.
And when our eyes met
I felt a rattling feeling in my ribcage.
I shook like a leaf on a tree.
That same nervous anxiety
I get before I read my words
To a group of people.
What does that even mean?
What does it mean to have randomly been put on a path where I would see you again?
It hurt to see you.
A stinging, aching hurt.
And now all I want to do is break down and cry.
But I wont.
I might still uncontrollably feel these things inside.
But I won't let myself break.
I won't let myself really feel it.
After all,
You're the one who doesn't love me.
All that's left is to pick up all of the broken pieces
and move forward.
I just never thought
a mere eye locking moment would send shivers down my spine.
I never thought seeing you again would be like having a heart attack.

I don't care what hell you've put me through.
I'm not an innocent party.
I've ****** up too.
But I won't sit here and deny,
You're the love of my life.
I'll always sink into your eyes.
You were hell bent on saying goodbye
There are deeper ties.
Deeper threads.
Bringing us back,
Again and again.
I don't want to let go.
Always having to adjust to the word "no"
The seasons change,
But your favorite was always fall.
Leaves falling,
As your body fell into mine.
It wasn't just lust
It was love.
Body on body.
Souls entwining.
I know the only way
You thought I'd give up,
Was to tell me you didn't love me enough.
But you do.
Don't deny it.
Our past doesn't define us.
Soulmates speak volumes.

I guess triggers are a real thing.
Causing people to remember sheer pain.
It's hard not knowing.
Letting it all in.
Succombing to
Overcoming.
I breathe closer
To clarity.
If only
If only
My heart would stop beating.
If only my chest would stop aching.
If only the tape would stop replaying.
Decaying in a life coffin.
Six feet down.
Still I wear a crown
Of rust.
Picking up the pieces.
Brushing off the dust.
Inching towards the gratification of a name.
Nothings the same.
Ever since that day.
Forcefully taken away.
Gone.
Gone.
In a ******* whirlwind.
A tornado of feelings.
I don't ******* fit in.
I'm a rare breed
You'll never ******* know me.
Emotions exist to people who feel
And I don't feel a ******* thing.

Substantial substance.
Trying to conquer the divide.
Nothings right.
Losing you was the worst thing in my life.
I need you to be alright.
I wish I could feel you.
Explosions in the sky.
Look me in the eyes.
Stare into my soul.
Tell me all those ******* years weren't meaningful.
You still hold my heart.
Tight hands,
Steady grasp.
Encompassing my world.
Your name speaks volumes.
I can't talk about it.
I can't breathe.
Vomiting from dark things.
I've turned to the worst
Overpassing time.
Time wasted
On memories.
Lost.
It's all ******* lost.
Searching through darkness.
Dead forests
And dead trees.
Branches buckling
Under my feet.
Searching.
Yearning.
Where are you?
My heart drops
Every time our eyes meet.
**** the past
Begin again.
Just love me for who I am.
I promise
I promise
I'll never let go.

So glad to see you think I'm doing well.
But honestly,
I've been in a living hell.
You still resonate in my mind
Reminiscing on the times
Talking about time.
Talking about perceptions of perception.
A euphoria in listening to you rhyme.
How are things going?
Have you learned the same lesson a second time?
Are you in that same box as before?
I understand love is what made you go back to her.
I guess everything is about the persuit of happiness.
The light is bright at the end of dark tunnels.
Living color blind.
Breaking.
I'm in a bind.
The same vines that used to consume you,
Are now holding me back too.
And though I don't think either of us will ever be free,
I guess it's a life lesson.
Times three.