Down.
Down.
Down.
Into the rabbit hole.
You'll never find your soul.
You'll never be the other half of a whole.
Advances of disadvantages.
Disregarded deep rooted feelings.
You never ******* knew me.
Evading sleep patterns.
Dark dreams.
Twisting and turning.
**** me.
I'm ******.
Last hug.
Last love.
Last trust.
**** lust.
A future of failure.
Suspending disbelief.
Eyes wide,
But I can not see.
It's dark in the color patterns.
Of different bags.
Landslide.
Cliff hang.
Drop to your knees and ******* beg.
Filling voids with flesh.
Surrenity in superstition.
Arms length,
Never breaking the surface.
Surface scars.
Surface bruises.
Bruised egos.
The truth loses.
Always ******* losing.

How did you,
How did you walk away so easily,
Out of the door
and into another's arms?
Just because,
Just because
I didn't dress trendy enough.
Just because I wasn't aware of pop culture up to your standards.
Was it ever even really love?
In those nine years was I ever enough?Please just tell me the truth.
Because I can't take the wondering
All the ******* time.
Losing time was enough.
I sit here and I try to be tough.
I try to hold it together.
Hold my composure.
Enough is enough.
I'll never be good enough.
And those times that you made me feel like
I could fly,
Were equally matched with times you made me feel like I wanted to die.
Why?
Why?
Why did you ever swoop in and try
To save me at 17?
Hopes lost.
It's hard enough.
It was hard enough.
Before your presence made it more rough.
I ******* give up.
I give up.
Deleted and blocked.
Deleted and blocked,
But you're still a ******* thought.

How many of you would like to know me?
Because I'm an open book, and that has been said to be a crime.
But I can sit here and tell you about my life thus far, from a to z, all of the things that have haunted me.
A product of divorce.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Trauma consumes me.
And all I can do is just keep breathing.
Most days I'm thankful to do just that.
To open my eyes.
To realize.
And acknowledge the beauty in all things.
Drugs started me on falling in love with dead trees.
Getting on my knees and begging,
Please.
Please.
Don't think the words you speak about me.
17 to 26.
Packing concrete into a broken foundation, just for a quick fix.
Drunken mistakes.
Violent shakes.
Unpulled triggers.
All causing me to grow bigger.
Inside.
Inside.
Most times, always pondering why?
Most times wanting to ******* die.
Being willing canceled out the unwilling.
Times you search for deeper healing.
Deeper meaning.
Deeper ******* feeling.
And in the end, all you ever have is yourself.
You alone have to be good enough.
3 am thoughts.
Coping mechanisms can surely be taught.
But they don't ******* work.
Because I'm always left distraught.
What else have I to cover?
When I was a child, I used to hover.
Witnessing shadows beneath the covers.
And dead bodies really do get stiff and cold.
Never enough for anyone to just hold.
Binges of binges.
Lies untold.
Just trying to find another old soul.
Lies untold.
Solice in silence.
Two years a prisoner.
Suicide attempts,
And hospital beds.
Copious amounts of pills.
Provoking a complex
Of conformity.
Breaking free.
**** normality.
Opening eyes
But what do I see?
Is all of this really me?
It's not.
My depths go deeper than these words.
I soar higher than birds.
And you'll never really ******* know me.

I miss your love.
Always like the tide.
An ocean bringing someone to shore.
Or finding a steady path on my own two feet.
Loving myself.
Being enough to myself.
To let me breathe.
But I still miss you..
And I wonder,
Endlessly,
Will I ever find that again?
Will anyone ever love me as much as you did?
Do you still?
I can't take much more of cheap thrills.
I like climbing mountains,
And diving deep depths.
Feeling full from someone's surface within.
I need.
I ******* need
Someone to stimulate me.
I need the earth to move,
Under my feet.
I need the riptides to drown me.
I need to suffocate.
I need to suffer from silence.
I already am.
And again,
Where are you?
Where are you
In life,
when you should be with me.
I don't use the word need.
But I need you.
I need you.
See me.
Free me.

Waves.
Waves.
In my ocean,
Keep a steady motion.
Don't stop flowing.
Recite the words that constantly
Bring me back to a solid shore.
No more.
No more
Wishful thinking.
Thinking has me feeling once again.
Feelings and I don't agree.
I do decree .
I solemnly sware.
My heart will never again be bare.
Fight through the baracades.
Get splinters by thorns.
Devilish horns.
And a snicker unmatched.
Attract.
Attract sin.
Skin on skin.
Thinking had me feeling to let you in.
I'm ******.

When are you going to go overseas and get shot?
Word *****.
Deep thoughts.
Your presence possesses the power to destroy.
Are you listening now?
Can you feel my noise?
I want you to feel the pain of payback.
Pondering if I should even say that.
Quick with a whit that slits wrists.
Back again with wordplay twists.
Screaming in my ears
And out my throat.
I hope you ******* choke.
The alcohol may feed your soul.
But it will never allow you to grow.
Childish and remorseful.
I may write it,
But I'll never stoop to their levels.
Undergraduates of real life.
Breathing once
Blinking twice.
Look left when you tell your lies.
Look right into someone's eyes.
Everyone can see it,
Not just I.
Eyes wide
But you still fail to see inside.
Cover your bruises with
Names
Drawn from a hat.
Combat.
Draw your knives,
You won't survive.

I know that it was ******* love
And that fact alone lifts me up.
To know I'm capable of extraordinary emotion.
But also knowing you may only have one great love
Is such a terrible let down.
To think the word love was wasted
On someone who inevitably
Was incapable of reciprocation.
It tares me up
To think you only have one love.
That reaches the depth of the ocean
And soars through mountains.
Maybe it was but infatuation.
Possession is not a product of love.
It pretty much leads to hating each other's guts.
Like a middle school crush.
High school lust.
All of it is a rush.
I guess it's all about choice.
And choosing the right wave to dive into.
Not letting yourself be cast away.
But finding someone who will sway your boat
Steadily back to shore.