I remember those months of mine,
reality warped and I misplaced time.
Anxiety burned me alive -
engulfed my bones, scattered my mind.

There was one thing that halted all,
that vivacious smile of yours.
That mouth and mind always aligned,
perhaps blunt but you never lied.

You were the place I felt most safe.
Alas, all roads lead to heartache.
I never again want to be,
that wretchedly lacking safety.

First the radicle must break through the shell.
Then feel the weight of the soil where she fell.
She must reach out, search the darkness for light.
In order to grow - bud, blossom and thrive.

First comes flame; your beating heart sets alight.
Then comes rain; relieving the raging pain.
But now barely breathing, you feel nothing.
Your blackened heart pauses, before collapsing.

Everything feels intense,
reality tends to bend.
I know, somewhere, deep down,
the world is not about to end.  

I know that I would live,
if for the best you went.
My heart I must not give,
to a mere good friend.

We know we're not enough.
This my declaration:
A smile is not your love,
kindness no invitation.

It turned too messy to amend.
I gained no love, but lost a friend.

I never used to mind falling,
I liked landing inside your arms.
But now that they're both withdrawing,
the sinking feeling sounds alarms.

Helpless, spiralling further down,
the sirens will never cease their cries.
The air escapes my lungs, I drown.
Something new inside me dies.

"You're still obsessed" said my best friend.
I was not even his girlfriend.
We went on one date, one weekend.
Yet no other seems to contend.
That magic night came to an end.
I gained no love, but lost a friend.
Our close bond will never amend.
That promising road a dead end.
Unheeding potential to offend,
I sprinted blind around the bend.
That naive girl, I won't defend.
A wiser woman must transcend.

Some words from a different time,
caught my eye and captured my mind.
A note in 'Notes' from November -
when I believed in forever.

To think of how I thought of you
splits my hardened heart in two.
I wish to wipe these memories;
go back to friends, undo these deeds.

Indecision strangles each move.
Fingertips fail to find my groove.
Telling myself each day is new -
still I end each one feeling *******.

One foot in front of the other.
Path remnants lay helpless, smothered.
Shivers convulse, yet I feel burned.
My knees give way, a fate deserved.

Fostering this forbidding fog,
how then could I divert the blame?
Eyes caked in self-destructive smog,
I solely have myself to frame.

For passion once consumed within,
melted my mind and charred my skin.
Hence I froze my heart wearing thin.  
Icy marshes conceal my sin.

Now I live each day terrified
that my heart may beat intensified.
So I keep it all inside -
off my desires and distastes hide.

Afraid to calibrate failure;
I set no goals - not my nature.
Bracing for the cryptic pressure,
wanting fruits of lucky labour.

Negative emotions,
always so much stronger.
Positive ones never
stay to linger longer.

For a heart can be filled
to the brim with delight.
While one can live dying
ever deeper inside.

'I think we should stay friends.'
I knew this was coming.
And yet these words sting like
shards of ice to tired eyes.

My heart freezes over,
but my legs slowly melt.
Now knee-deep in defeat,  
I curse the day I fell.

How I wish that I could describe,
how I feel when that music strikes.
Tickling all my senses inside.
Passion warms me as it ignites.

Tunes by my side, clock strikes midnight.
Boosted through miles - I run, I ride.
Heartache, love and peace coincide.
Music narrates my opaque life.

I want to fly, I want to dive.
I want to live and feel alive.
For once I lack the wish to die.
My heart, my soul, my feelings revive.

I have never felt this way about anyone before now.
But I have also never felt depression until this hour.
You are a spot of peace, in a mind on
fire.
But what if you are not heaven, just a lesser hell which I desire?

Why do I harbour time? I wish it all be mine.
I don't like using it, rather freedom permit.
I try to keep it close, always away it goes.
Not naming where I know, subconsciously I chose.

You held my hand last night,
we fit like key and lock.
Only for eachother,
the fullness made me gawk.
The film was lost on me,
I did not hear the talk.
Friends asked if it was good,
I have a mental block.

Our fingers intertwined,
the feeling stole my mind.
Bodies and hearts aligned,
connection undefined.
Fingers and arms like vine,
effortlessly they bind.
Wherever did I find
such a boy to be mine?

For six months I've liked you,
wondering if it works.
It should not on paper,
and yet I felt such sparks.
I felt ever faker,
these feels I tried traverse.
There was no end in sight,
my blessing and my curse.

I lay on your shoulder,
my comfortable pillow.
Your arm filled both of mine,
ever mine to borrow.
Not having you near me,
already brings sorrow.
See you January,
my beautiful lover.

Today I fell out of like with you dear.
Although I still hate not having you near.
I'd rather nothing, than a version of you;
that's neither loving, nor coming through.

For I won't settle - for just attention.
I need unity, in shared direction.
You know I like you, yet you fail to give,
your time and presence - jealousy instead.

I cannot run.
I cannot talk.
I cannot breathe.
You hide from me.

'Perfect in countless ways' this shared thought lingers.
But they cannot create pretty, pleasant pictures.
For those 'perfect' puzzle pieces misalign - beware...
Knitting a painfully incompatible pair.

I fell in love with the feeling you give.
I confused it with the person you are.

My love, if it be true,
that the best thing about you,
is how you make 𝓶𝓮 feel...
Then I must make a change.
Then I need to get real.

Can I trust you to take me through the death of my mum and my dad?
Not 100%
Can I trust you to raise our kids alone?
Not 100%

I need 100% baby.

Oh to weave those thoughts into words;
how I yearn to learn your pattern.
I trip, I fall, I bruise, it hurts;
misunderstanding - a deadly casm.

Unspoken words to skin, it burns;
decipher the pain I cannot.  
While speech departs, action returns;
but without breath, our bond will rot.

Thus I reach out, unsteady, unsure;
hopeful to mend our silent rift.
Take my hand in yours I implore;
pull me closer, or grant our drift.

For the ground gives way bit by bit;
rough, festering seas lie beneath.
Water our seed, do not flood it;
rosebuds thrive on a renounced heath.

It is not goodbye.
it is just see you later...
that's much easier.

Constantly chasing the future,
while clutching the past in my hands.
The present slips through these fingers,
elusive as desert sands.

A butterfly flew,
rather fluttered and floated;
contagious smiles grew.

Give it to me please, oh sweet validation.
Relieve this bitter, dull life's frustration.
I dream in honeyed words - of affirmation.
Such an inventive imagination.

How I love that feeling when...
breathing is natural;
talking is effortless;
my balance I regain.
I sing along to happy songs -
living in sync again.

'Well sweat dreams' she said.
'I have sweet day dreams' he said.
She blushed forever.

Thank you easy fix,
you took all my pain.

But I do not know
of what you contain.
I know not what is
changing in my brain.
Perhaps I have
a new ball and chain.

Psychiatrist please,
tell me what I'm on.
Thirty minute chat
'Let's try this, try that'
No, just please tell me
now where I am at.

Give it to me please, oh sweet validation.
Relieve this bitter, dull life's frustration.
I dream honeyed words - of affirmation.
Such an inventive imagination.

Oh please, kind stranger... A like for a like?
Comment for comment? Follow for follow?
Repost my poems, stories, pictures, tweets;
tiktoks, videos, quotes and recipes?

NO.

My phone is exiled, across stormy sea.
Numbers don't mean a dicky bird to me.

Thank you kind stranger,
for reading my piece.
Sighting me create -
finally release.

Polished pedestal,
solid and steady.
Up you go, my dear;
get yourself ready.

I will gawk and stare;
kneel, praise and compare.

Until my knees bruise,
ego worse for wear,
eyes ache and vocal
chords all waste away.

So, tell me abou-
nevermind darling.
Your charcater is
near done constructing.

I cannot take it,
the trillion triggers.

The impatient 'di-dum'
of posey fingers.
The conceited 'snip-snap'
of makeup-mirrors.
The piercing 'peep-peep'
of jeering fellows.
The stuck-up 'click-clack'
of sour stilettos.

Can the world please stop?
Just for a moment?

Put ink to pen
and pen to paper,
the words and stories
will come later.

Never allowing
the water-flow out,
will end in damage,
destruction and drought.

His face holds no flaw, his smile stops time.
His words paint a future in this willing mind.
He must be an angel of the Lord's design.
Yet, religion divides - it bars me from him.
How, Lord, is it possible? That he is a sin?

A shiny forehead;
accelerating pulse.

I'm anxious to win;
yet thoughts escape me,
like smoke in the wind.

I lost hold of my-
self, clutching onto
this pen in my hand.

Always, I feel it
escalate - defeat:
my sinking sand.

So maybe he does hate music,
but he loves it when I sing.

Maybe people can't change people,
but maybe love can always win.