Sufferance
is allowed for I can no longer smile
the sadness away from my heart!

It's a regret I share with you even
if you never speak of us

or think of me anymore...

Well I know deep down you do
and as she sweet  talks you
and
makes you laugh for a time
its still I (me) on your mind.

Little pleasure of you getting over me  

is  of her  taking my place & sharing

in what once was  my everything ...

If that's the case well Baby the same goes both ways...

In my mind  I'll always  be his (your) lady.

Listening to these words

by Heather Headly

has me once again thinking of you
and wondering~

If you dream of me?

The way we felt together
or
how you'd work out with me~

doing splits and playing like little kids.

I miss that part
of US
but then my mind turns once more
to the suffering
we both caused...

Pushed hard against walls, slapped,scratching,biting, kicks and punched!

Arguments and accusations reminds me of the times

we made love and ****** so violently, passionately, deeply....


Our breaths the only sound in the room
as


I cry tears of regret, pain,pleasure,lust and love.


How did I loose my way and let myself become
your SLAVE???

Baby born outta lies,
Feb 2011,

times changing these feeling
and
I can now understand what I thought never to forgive,

you too have been hurt, abused and misused...

Words cutting you like a knife...


Wrongs done may never make right,
now your singing her the songs you once sang & made for me.

The "marriage vows" which was supposed to be ours comes outta your mouth whispered softly in your head to her!!!

Someone who can never love you like I do,
has & still would of.


My sufferance, my sacrifices, my hurtful kind heart
can't take anymore
denying..........

Your what I crave yet I know I have to,
I must stay away.

I can never allow us to be again

after the pain and lies you said not only
about me
but about your own flesh & blood...

The seeds been sowed and I'm about to give birth!

Never would I'd of thought after begging me to
breed and give life for you,
you'd walk away

Never to look back or think of us me nor your SON.

But it's for the best,

least I keep telling my self that.


I no longer lie to myself and say:
I don't want you,
I don't crave or need you,
I can do this on my own

But I know as surely as I breath
we could of made it work
and
least he'd never  of been born outta lies,

then again the fighting
the mistrust
yelling
screaming & arguing,

sthe ****** pain and pleasures

of US.

Now I close my eyes and shed
tear after tear  
while listening to Jamie Foxx's
"Wedding VOWS' song...
The one you practiced
& sung just for me,
to me

With tears in your own lovely eyes...

My GOD  this is so hard ...

Suffering for you and letting go,

the memories haunt & hunt me
while awake or while asleep.

Last night I listen to nothing but Luther Vandross.

(Our songs & our favorite This House Is Not  A Home)

O' It took every fiber of my being

not to break down and call you....

Why am I feeling like this for you
when we both know it'll never work?

It hardly did before....

No I don't want you NO more,

I rather tell myself this over and over again

until I start to someday believe it's true.

I'm sure you already feel this way since

it took you less than 3 months to get over me & ya seed
obviously
cuz you ask her to marry you.

Haa haa  ha  it took

less then 3 weeks to ******* replace me,

I rather allow this bitterness
to seep in

instead of remember


my daily~    love for you



my~   dying need to be with you....


My


Sufferance!

Always me Ayeshah

Currently I'm locked up, in this stupid hospital, baby on the way and no father in sight.

Sadly its my fault & my fate, love didn't love me, love beat and misjudge me, now thou I had time to think.

Reflect and it's come to the conclusions that we maybe wasn't meant to be.

God how his touch sent me raven mad...

How his kisses drove me to loose myself, his arms strong & tight around me hugging squeezing and caressing me. his  lustful ****** hurting yet I'd beg for more,

his legs entwined with mines and our lips locked while tongues fought to be the main concubine!

Friendship then lovers, lovers becoming boyfriend & girlfriend, then we planned to walk down the aisle. Man & wife!

Trusting in disbelief. until the lies seemed so real...

Until the mornings mingled with night...

Until my body cried out for  peace...

******* release even when I didn't want him to-  he'd plead & take what was now not given.

Hurting from black & blue eyes that never cry,
not anymore.....

God how his touch sent me raven mad... (running  fast  when I could)

How his kisses drove me to loose myself-RESPECT,

his arms strong & tight around me hugging squeezing

MY THROAT  -

caressing me in to submission .

His  lustful ****** hurting- I'd beg him to STOP...

His legs entwined with mines and he wresltes me to the bed...

Our lips locked,

I'd try to bite-  while we fought...

Currently I'm locked up,    in this stupid hospital,

baby on the way and no father in sight.

Have to be here until I give birth....

My love (for him)  was my undoing.....

My curse is siting here staring at these walls....

I'd rather he mistreated me all over again....  Cuz I still sadly love him  

(yet again I now know better)

Love hurt me, mistreated me & used me....

Misjudge me......

Love abused me and took all my will away ....

Left in it's wake-


A Baby's on  HIS  way!


(I don't believe in "love" anymore)


Feb 2011

They say the heart doesn't lie
but
you've lied to your own heart,

As you put me aside
leaving off our friendship,

trust and love we once had,

I lost a lot but gained much more,

without you it's hard to be me anymore.

My best friend couldn't do what your doing to me now,
so enemies we must be.

Guess I'm getting what I deserved.

I wish things could began to change between us,
maybe someday
but right now
I feel a hole so wide in my chest .

I feel empty witout you and my worlds
crashing
smashing down around me,
the walls
I built up
You knocked down and my defenses are left bare in wake of this
WAR
you brought about betwen us.

I'm miles away yet you remain in my thoughts and in my heart.
I'm sorry wont help and now your not even listening to my pleas of forgiveness
so with a bent head and sad heart
I say good bye dear friend of mines.
(time an'

To Christopher Cartwright

I'll always be here even if we never speak again
I am your far away friend and wish we'd of worked out the BS that caused
our friend to end! thanks for everything & your welcome too for everything!

"time can't heal these infected wounds until our friendship is
anew again
which wont happen without forgiveness"

Was dreaming that you'd come find me,
rescue me,
saving me from my self,

I wrapped the wire tight but it wasn't sturdy enough,

I tried drowning that time you seem to help,

I cut my wrist but they sewed me up.
I ate poison & got my stomach pumped out.

i tried one more time, hanging by a thread,
it ******* broke,

I then tried to love you and care for,
I also tried to devote my life to yours,

giving up my self esteem & letting you mold me.

I tried to make my imperfections less visible & tried to cover of my blemish's & flaw with concealment's & smiles.

I laughed when all I wanted to do was cry.

Was dreaming that you'd come find me,

rescue me,

saving me from myself

In the end...

Your love killed me,

I found out too late that

I never needed saving from myself

I needed saving from the thing

you claimed to do to me................


LOVE ME!

Did I **** him?

I minus well since

I broke his heart....

He broke mines too,

shattered it and jumped on it,

threw it to his wolves

laughing all the wile!

Silly  games

I never wanted to play.

Did I hurt him?


I think its the other way around,
he's taken me off everything

acting like I never existed ,

like what we created never meant a thing,


how funny he's replaced me

but for me he's haunting

my every dream,

Confusions like nightmares

and sadly I feel numb.

so painful is this burden

crushing on inside of me,

to him it's a game where no one's a winner,

he's happy i think or else

he'd do something to fix US!


I blame me more then I blame him

but blame him I do,

it takes two and it was me & you

now
it's just me and your seed.

Easy for him to walk away

but funny before I left

(June)

we created beauty in the name

of our child,

something

he wont ever see or claim...

Well not now,

not when he's playing hard to get back

and harder to have kept

he lets others speak for him and plays
games with my head,

I aint scared

not for myself

but I cry as I laugh cuz he's only fooling

& lately been hurting

him'self....

Did I **** him, hurt him, maimed his pride???

What does your words really mean-  if you can let it
all fall

without a thought or a care?

If he was hurting like me, if i saw a spark in his eye,

I'd consider
more then this;



Regrettable



Painful



Sad


Lonely

GOODBYE!

(wonde­ring Did I hurt him by killing our beautiful love? - I'll never know!)
ALWAYS ME AYESHAH

He wasn't real, He would never be....


Kings are born & never made,


fake flowery words swelled & danced in my head.


I let go to soon & too early but least I finally let go.

He's not real,


He'll hurt me again & again


forgetting birthday's as well as anniversary's,


He'll make a bad daddy/father

for our baby.

So I had to let go.

Had to loose faith & give up hope

because

Kings are born & neever made!


I believed in someone


who wasn't anything he'd

given his word to being ....


(don't  let someone tell you what they are

when showing you is the easiest & best answer your gonna get!)

Always Me Ayeshah

HE HURT ME IS ALL I CAN REALLY SAY,

HURT ME TO MY VERY CORE WITH HIS MISCONDUCT LYING WAYS AND ACTIONS,

WHICH SPOKE TO ME SO CLEARLY,

I'M LOOSING OUT ON A FATHER TO MY UNBORN CHILD

BUT I SMILE BECAUSE OF THE GIFT HE LEFT
YET WONT SEE,

WITHOUT HIM I'LL STRUGGLE FOR A WHILE

BUT WITH HIM I'D OF DROWNED.

LIFELINE MY *** HE WAS  POSE TO BE

MY KING MY ULTIMATE EVERYTHING.

NOW THROUGH THE ASHES BURNT

BY HIS LIES IM LEFT A BABY AND HE'S ROLLING OUT,

GONE WITH THE WIND

LIKE AIR

I BREATHE HIM IN DEEP AND NOW I'M ALONE ONCE MORE WITH HIS SEED INSIDE OF ME AND JUST TO THINK IT ALL

STARTED WHEN HE PRETENDED TO BE NOTHING LIKE HE CLAIMED HE'D BE OR EVER WAS....

NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING.

SOMEHOW THOU I FELL FOR IT AND FOR HIM TOO

SO HARD SO LONG AND NOW ITS ALL GONE EXCEPT OUR BABY'S GOING TO BE BORN OUT OF LIES!

I'D CRY BUT HE STOLE MY TEARS AWAY TOO!

(I'd go through he in back with him & for him but reality is he wouldn't for me so i have to leave him alone.  sweet lil lair)

ALWAYS ME AYESHAH