I lay here staring at my ceiling,
Thinking what have I done?
Could I really let this happen?
To me to us?
You made me cry not purposely
it just happened sort of like us.
Tears keep falling
as I listen to myself and while you also talk.
I'm a mess and there's no way to fix me.
You tore me apart  as
You've shattered my heart,
I want to be everything to you
like you are to me,
I want you to never  
let me go and keep me in your arms,
with you is where I belong.
Yet You've left me in tears as
I realize what this is between us  isn't fair,
its not right
but its
OK no matter long as  you stay,
don't go because then you take away
all that we are all that we've become.
Papi
I know I can have anyone
but the one person I want is you,
It wasn't your fault.
I guess it was me,
No I'm sure it's because of me.
See I know our love can't be forced
& what happen to us wasn't by choice,
we meet at the wrong time  
and at the wrong place
but look how much better we are because of it.
This  that we now share.
Perhaps we weren't meant to be yeah right that's  such a cliche,
Because we are meant to be,
like when God mad Eve for Adam,
She invented me for you,
I'm your rib papi,
I'm your mate for life our souls have be in contact
even before you or I ever laid  our eyes  on the other.
It still doesn't seem to help,
Because I know that no matter how this story unfolds
we have to think of  what's best for everyone involved
and right now I'm being selfish
and You even said
"Baby your not making  sense".
I know I'm not.
That's the other part of  my problem,
since I fell for you the way
I did nothing makes any sense.
Now that I know you  love me
I don't want to loose it,
The love that we have.
Your a great man,
A wonderful friend.
What do I do with out all that we once shared?
I try so hard and for so long now
I've fought myself
and to me my thinking's all wrong.
I say let it end
because with this situation there's
no one that's gonna win.
There is no positive out come in this.
You say it wont last this pain  
I placed my self in.
I tried  over and over to close my heart,
but again  I fall so got **** hard,
what have you done to me
because for some reason
my heart won't let go
& my mind just keep holding on to.
My soul wont let me be,
and my spirit screams your name
as tears fall down my face.
I've tried more than
once to get over you
but you unintentionally
make it so hard.
I thought love was joy
but I've got nothing to gain
**** that I have everything to loose.
For now it's  just sorrows,
tears and more pain as day by day
I see the changes in me the way we used to be.
I open my heart to you,
So un-use to a Man like you,
I am still willing to make a mends
and take that chance with you.
*** if only you knew,
But will you ever truly know,
Can't you guess
I'm a wreck with or without You
and its ME not you that doing all of this,
I play mind tricks with
myself because I'm scared,
I'm affaid to even give more of me away,
Yet I give unconditionally to you,
even when I try so hard not to.
See for me the the day the pain started was when
reality came knocking.
It was the day I realized,
How important you are
and what it really means
not to have you in my life.
it truly scares the hell outta me
to think or even come close to believe that
I'LL NEVER BE WITH YOU AGAIN!
And that's
Something I just can't live with.
(so I wont.)
Always Me Ayeshah

I'm laying in my tub
full of bubbles and bath salt,
relaxing as the music plays,
I'm letting my mind drift away,
I need to forget.
Regain what's left of me,
My sanity's
in question
and
I know your wondering,
Guessing
did You just get the best of me.
(?)
You had all of me
and
now what's left of me is to be here in this world,
without a life line.
I will survive yet that's all I'll be doing  is surviving,
not even really living.
Going day by day without letting my emotions show,
I rather be a hollow shell,
and
As my life goes on- on and my story  for "Tales",
You'll hear She was a good woman
She put everything into her kids,
She was
copacetic and had so much  love to give,
She was like her Grand mama,
Un be knowing to anyone,
When You left-  I died inside.
I carried on like nothing was wrong,
I acted like
everything was cool,
laughing smiling too,
Yeah- you know how I do,
But
no one notice the light that died in my eyes,
The sparkle that went out
when you took my heart away,
No one will see my pain because,
I'll play brave and put on my poker face,
I'll hang out with friends
and
pretend.
Answer back even when
I don't want to be in their mix.
Even when
I'm asked question's
I'll give all the right answers.
While I cry mentally inside.
I'll go out and shake my *** get another's number
knowing I'll never call.
I'll work my *** off for a little while longer,
reinvent myself and try to some how become stronger,
over come you and this creeping pain you left me feelin,
This ache  you've caused me ....,
I'm laying in my tub,
Bubble bath all around me & bath salt too.
The waters over flowing.
My mind draws a blank
and
the pill bottle's now empty-
falls outta my hand.
I was thinking,
I could live with out you...,
That was until the pills
Kicked In!
Always Me Ayeshah

Umm, Ahhh ooooO Uh-Ohhh

AaHhHhHhH

YESssss,

ummmm,

whispering whimpers,

longing cravings

skin to skin

Arms wrapped in braided tangles

brown on light brown

lips open

Tongues dancing in & out,

out & in thrusting hard,

powerful masculine

sweat mixed with lovely scents

Rushing fast catching the beat,

rhythmic pulsations tingling

Dancing out slowly

in again deeper

anger pain

hurting yearning,

Heart beats  tuned as one

cries rant the night

fading fading

floating higher,

Nails digging in lines

on lines as sweat & blood mingled

Push pound more

more & more

Deeper harder

filling up

over flowing consuming

lovers lust,

Stop, pause

Breath

legs shaking eyes wide open

stolen dreams

realities fantasies

Rays of morning light shine within

dawns breaking

Start over repeat , drifting fast to sleep

Dewy kisses on eyelids

forehead mouths & cheeks,

Caressing bodies

melt away

Ummmmm

Uhm

oooOoo YyyeEesssss Ohhh AHHH

Mmmmm,

Lust felt Love(rs)!

Always Me Ayeshah

It's over now, It's so hard  to think of You,
Must be good for you cuz now you're able to do what ever you want, be with them other women.

I'd stab you if I'd never get caught, Like how I caught you. I'd run a sworded tip right through your lying self,

Poke you right where ya heart should be but I doubt it you have one, I think you have psychopathic behavior and if you don't understand let me clarify it NOW;
"
A person with an antisocial personality disorder, manifested in aggressive, perverted, criminal, or amoral behavior without empathy or remorse."

That's what you didn't have for me-  remorse or  empathy, you must have some kind of personality disorder to treat me so negatively, I'd get over it easily if  it was so simple,

Knowing that soon I'll breed your children makes me even more mad, makes me afraid to be with out you even knowing what I already do.

But I gotta shake you off,
get you outta  my head,my house & bed,
See you know your a good lover
but it's just not enough
and if it was just your ***

well I can get that from the next,
Like you said can't no one do me like you,
And your right
I don't think anyone else can
lie & mistreat me or ever cheat on me  

Hell naw not like you did,
Right under my radar,
You where so slick with your deception's,

So cool while be confronted
and held your ground until you
heard she too was carry your child.
haa haa haa Your gonna Pay Now!
one way or another

You'll pay and I ain't got to do a **** thang!
well I do have to finally find the courage to
Leave Yo *** !
Always Me Ayeshah

I thought of you today,
I didn't want to,
Do you know why?
after the rain comes the sun
but it's still raining since you've reveled your true colors,
still storming like my insides and my feeling,
I watched you sleep again,
I looked at your angelic face and thought of all this pain
you've caused.  How can I still love you,
Funny I hate you too,
I want you then again I don't.
But I can't loose, it's become like a game and I'm out to win,
my vendetta's to cause you pain.  Pain worst then you've caused me,
But while I watch you sleep  
I think of what we shared last night,
I think of how you cried and apologized.  
How you came to bed on your knees,
The way you held me, Aided me in my pain-  the pain you caused me to feel.
Thinking on how you caressed  and loved me most of the night,
how you kissed me all over,
I felt the ice chip a little from my heart,  but not enough to give up my revenge.  An old friend  called today asking to out to lunch, I say sure why not  thinking of I could just get  you off my mind.  
Jumped in the shower & left.
I felt good and brand new, like a new woman.  
I met him at Chilli's. He pulled out my chair  and had already order my favorite;  
Mozzarella sticks.  I order a Margarita and we talked for awhile  as he looked into my eyes  I thought maybe just maybe I'd extract my revenge on you  with him.  I know he wants to be with me but is it fair for me  to use a good friend like him.  
Making him pay for what you did o me?  
Naw I think not,  not when I can just leave you alone and make him king of my throne.
Not when for all this time that  I've know him he's been nothing but good and a true friend.
You slept and I crept back in but not before  He left me with a kiss on my lips, I thought "WOW" he still wants me and just maybe -maybe
I should give you up and stick with him. But I'd never get with anyone on the rebound, I rather leave things as they are. Meaning at this point I wont let you go  I also wont be really holding on,
Not after what You've done to me, How can I forget so easily You've been with someone else
,You confessed your love to another, You've lied and deceived me,
Hurting the only one whose been there for you  even when your own family wouldn't.
You know as well as me that if it wasn't for me  
You'd be out on the streets, You'd be left homeless and hungry,  But not I'm homeless too now metaphorically speaking ,
Truth be told this house is no longer a home.  
I don't know what to do,
As I go walking I'm still left..........
So Confused.
Always Me Ayeshah

Fidelity vows were broken,
Stolen moments kept disclosed
thinking no one would get hurt,
No one would ever know,
calling out to her as you lay sleeping
in my bed-Day dreaming of her in my home!

Words said to a would be Mistress's.
"I Love You more than You'll ever know"
Whats left for me then huh?
these scars this un-mended pain?
how can this broken heart mend?

You didn't or wasn't really willing to try
to identify or understand me
or this pain you caused inside.
Your insecurity  from you misdeed
got you trying to turn it all around,
Pointing fingers & blaming me
when you know & knew I did nothing
wrong.

Check out your own history &
your present behavior,
You had me thinking I was insane.
You & I been betrayed in the past
But I believed you,

When you said this
we shared was different,
you never hurt me like that way.

I'm more than qualified to help
you through anything
Been all that you wanted,needed,

But not this, not when
you lied then tried to hide,
Covered up like national security.
I admit we had unresolved issues,
nothing we couldn't have worked through,

You could of been honest, confronted me.
Talked & worked on us.

You tried so hard to justify your lies,
try to make excuse,

Reasoning your deceit
dictate & make it my fault...
Chemistry between us
was beyond anything
I've had before,

You let  your greed destroy us.
It's like you spiritual dumped
hydrochloric acid on me,
my love for you & my feelings.


I never once controlled you,
never tried to use
or ever tired to manipulate you,

As you emailed text talked & wrote,
You insulted our relationship,
my trust and love for you.

Broke your vows,
Your promises went astray.
my love for you
was almost equivalent
of the love I had for my children,
my daddy & grandparents.

There wasn't nothing
I wouldn't of done for you.
It's to late to apologize,
to late for forgiveness,
I told you Begged you to
come clean,
over & over
I said baby let's talk,

YOU had your chances-

You refused
and now I refuse to ever
be with you after all this.
Never Ever Again!

Always Me Ayeshah

Excuses & Reasons
sound like the same things
while your
compounding your lies after
trying to hide your deceit.

Conceited just a bit maybe
of late since
You're finally got me fooled,
had me stupidified,
Regrets comforting
knowingly- knowing you
but not really knowing
you at all huh?

All I hear is what you consider "truths",
Was it good,
They way you played me?

Playing around with my heart from the start,
Was because the other girl(s) said NO?

I didn't know it
but my time with you
was about to run out,

As I was getting the run around
You were laughing at me behind my back,
Stabbing me metaphorically.

I never knew how bad your need was,
to be loved not by only one
but by many,
I feel so unsure,

How can we began
when your not even letting me in,

How can you say lets start over
when over & over You lied,

Looking me right in the eyes,
face to face as you
completely use your
reasons & excuses,

There's no need
No use for a YOU & ME.

There's No more US.
You had your fun
but Now your times up,

You had the chance after chance
to come clean but like I
told you
Your can save your
Reasons & All of your Excuses
I'm too Through!
Always Me Ayeshah
Copyright © Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved