My dear,
You've set my expectations to high.
You were flawless,
The perfect guy.
When you did that,
I just sat here and cried.
Now I'm ruined.
All I can say is goodbye.

He said bye.
Such a small word, insignificant to me.
Yet it holds my heart in its grip.
He said goodbye.
To me.
Walking out the door, I hid my
shy glances
underneath a sheet of hair
expecting him to walk past.
But he knows now.
He knows.
I made a show of searching my bag,
so I wouldn't have to look at him.
But his voice
carried across the room to me
and only me.
My head snapped up
cracking my neck,
but I felt no pain.
He waved.
With HIS hand.
And said goodbye.
To ME.
I replied quickly,
nervously, heart hammering
inside my rib cage.
Maybe he wasn't talking to me?
I glanced around,
searching for a prettier face
and I found his.
Looking at me.
ME.
He was saying goodbye
to ME.
And only me.
His electric blue
eyes locked into mine,
drawing my face in,
I actually leaned forward.
If his eyes hadn't been soul
deep into mine, I would have
closed them, and breathed in
his scent and his voice.
HIS voice.
For ME.
And only me.
I stared after him,
watching him glance back once,
with his eyes and not
his head, before he disappeared
around a corner.
And it echoed.
HIS voice echoed in my mind,
MY mind.
And I wanted to collapse
on the floor,
in front of my friends,
who would giggle and laugh
and ooh and ahh
but I was alone.
He was alone.
And he said goodbye
to me
HE said goodbye.
To ME.
And only me.

you were curling my hair around your fingers and laughing at the shape of them
  or maybe you were just laughing at me,
         I’m not sure.
and then I told you I loved you and you smiled—
                  ok that didn’t happen—
what happened was you pulled at the curls you just made in your own hands
until they weren’t attached to my head anymore.
     it didn’t hurt, I think.
    and then you put them in your pocket and ran away
                                  and then you fell and she picked you up and put you in her pocket and ran away too.
then you came back and said whoops, sorry but you still didn’t give me them back
         I don’t know if I even want them back.
on the way to the place with the people and the things in the car you winked at me
or maybe you had something in your eye,
but I smiled and you said that’s fine so I cried for a little and then it was just us
but I was still scared she was going to put you in her pocket and run away again
     but you told me not to worry.
and then we were swimming in the pool
but then I looked down and it wasn’t a chlorine-colored blue
  it was red like the sun at sunset but it wasn’t sunset and there was no sun;
      I felt ok but you didn’t and you pulled a knife out from under the pillow—
               the one in your room—
and that’s when I finally realized you were going to be the one to **** me
and I also realized I was ok with it
because better you to **** me than some other shmuck,
you know?
      the only problem was I wasn’t the first one you killed,
or it should have been a problem,
or rather they all said it was a problem;
but it wasn’t.
and then we were rolling around in the grass,
and I lost an earring and you said whoops, sorry and I kissed you anyway
               but you didn’t kiss me back
but you pretended to and that was alright so I went with it
      but then you didn’t want to go all the way and I was ****** but pretended I wasn’t
and then you said shhhhhh and then you grew wings and flew away
and left me there for the birds to eat
while she grew wings to be with you so you weren’t alone.
and then we were sitting on your porch swing and it was swinging slowly
and you looked straight into my eyes for hours while I talked about nothing
but then you started to talk about something
and then I got really happy
and then we started swinging so fast that we were in the sky,
         but we weren’t, really.
and then she stopped the swing and picked you up and put you in her pocket and ran away again.
     this time you didn’t come back.
then I turned into ***** and told you I was ok with it.
                   and then I cried.
               and then I woke up.

I find the best place to write
Is under the covers at night
When your Mother pounds her feet past your door
And you're fearful, waiting for more
You hear your Sister come home and strum her guitar
And you try to write late at night
But you cannot write far
Your Father asleep on the couch downstairs
And you write and you write
Though they are not aware
And you must beware
A knock at your door
For when you finally get caught
You cannot write anymore

I miss
I miss the nights when things were different
I miss the nights when I asked what pokémon you caught
not what STD you got
I miss the fridays when we asked what you were doing
not, who you were *******
The nights when it was about us
and not them
the nights when we smiled
not cried
Why is it
why is it we want to grow up
instead of living
because before we know it
there wont be any time left to live
and we’ll be wishing to have it back
missing the nights when things we different
the nights when I didn’t have to worry about
losing you
the nights when you remember
what happened
the nights when
you didn’t have to ask others
what happened
when will it end
the nights when
you don’t come home
you don’t call for a ride
and you don’t come back.
because one day
people will be saying
boy I knew her when
when things were different
the nights when partying
meant cake and weird hats
not drugs and bad tat’s
all I’m trying to say is not
how to live your life
but to live your life
people say you only live once
thats true
but
you only die once
don’t make that once
because you were young
and stupid
remember
remember the days when
you could walk yourself to the car
the nights when drinking
meant juice
and higher
meant on a swing
and the only thing getting baked
were cookies.
Now
the twisted meanings
are your life
were your life
when the nights
were different.

Dear black haired boy
I write to you to say
you used my heart like it was your toy
and I let you
just to call you My black haired boy
To be in your arms
away from the harm
Was all I wanted
but you taunted
my heart
Getting hurt from the start
But in the end just wanted to
be your brown hair girl
who made your world twirl
instead treated me like i meant nothing
made me feel like crumbling
You sent my life tumbling down
only able to show a frown
from your hateful crown
you fell
crushed by someone else
crawling back to your brown haired girl
who welcomed you with an open heart
which was still broken from the start
just waiting to be healed
at the hands of my black hair boy
even though my heart
was nothing but a toy
To said black hair boy
who never really gave me a choice
but to use my own voice.
Sincerely,
no longer your brown haired girl

She's expected to drink
And she hasn't left a drop in the house
He's expected to leave
And he left the door swinging
They're expected to kiss
But he got her pregnant instead
You're expected to love me
But I think that's a story I read

And it's not true
Because I'm completley alone
In loving you