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Brianna Hayley Oct 2017
I'm afraid you'll start to irritate me like he did
or that we'll lose our spark and become boring
or that we rushed into this and will realize it's a mistake
I'm afraid that I'll start to change who I am
that I'll start relying on you too much and become less independent
or that you'll consume too much of my brain space and I won't be able to think of anything else
I'm afraid I'll get winter depressed and tired and you won't want to be around me or I won't want to be around you
I'm afraid I won't be able to really open up to you
or that I'll really open up to you and there won't be anything special inside
I'm afraid that you are way too good of a person for me
I'm afraid of getting so attached to you
I'm afraid of really going all-in on this because that's where I feel we're headed
I'm afraid you are perfect for me and I'm going to do something stupid to push you away.
Don't let me push you away, okay?
Brianna Hayley Sep 2017
the walls close in on me and
     I push against them until they turn to dust.
     The world opens up in front of me:
        a vast field of dust-covered pavement,
        with rolling hills of landfills every few miles.
           no cars to be found, but markers where they should go.
              I feel free.
My body does cartwheels but my eyes stay sharp
     searching in the distance at the lights as they dance in my spinning head.
         "they mean something," I said, not knowing the weight of my words.
     The dancing lights outline all my thoughts now--forever changed because of the words you spoke
         each thought different and building on the one before it,
            "go, go, go"
I jump between the hills and the hills smile back,
     filling me with lightness as I float away, up into the seafoam-colored sky that carries me back to where we began,
           "go, go, go,"
So I start to run--
   faster than I am able to run--
and that's when I realize none of this is real,
       but the dancing lights around my thoughts don't disappear,
       and I'm still left with your words ringing in my ears
            as I roll and roll down the kind hills.
my hands become claws
    so I begin to climb back up but my feet have become sticky,
    and I'm struck by the irony of having hands that can climb and feet that can't move,
         so I fall back and let the irony carry me away,
             far, far, away from the hills that smile and the pavement that seems endless,
             and once I know the end is near your words stop ringing and the lights start to fade, and I notice I'm no longer floating but falling
It's only then I understand the meaning of the lights,
     and now that it's dark I long for that dusty, seafoam-colored world once more.
     so I whisper, "go, go, go."
     And the walls start to close in once more.
Brianna Hayley Jul 2017
They saw a pattern in the darkness
darker & darker, still,
they see the light
they know the light
or knew it, anyway
as the patterns in the darkness unfold themselves
we know the light too
and the light leads the way
through the darkness
Meditation Series: unedited thoughts post-meditation
Brianna Hayley Apr 2016
I take your hand in mine and lead you down the hall
I turn on my toes and you catch me as I fall
Your eyes lock into mine, and I feel my soul lift from my body and time
It hangs there, suspended in the air until you break your gaze.
You lift me up swiftly and hold me in a tight embrace.
You look at me again with your hazel eyes, and I'm filled with sadness, joy, fear, and excitement--perpetually paralyzed.
You slowly lower your lips to reach mine as I allow,
First a light electrifying touch, then more as your bottom lip caresses my mouth.
I feel a warming sensation starting at my neck and ending at my fingertips
As you knowingly take my hand in your grip.
The heat intensifies from your touch and I feel electrified again, I lean my body closer into yours so this moment extends.
my soul dances above with yours to the most beautiful sound,
the unique rhythm we make as together our hearts pound.
Brianna Hayley Apr 2016
I see you in the ocean below me
Your face in each crashing wave
Your smile as the mist floats out gently to the open air.

I imagine us in a boat
gliding atop the water
In nothing but swim suits and sunscreen
You teaching me how to turn the sail
Me tossing fruit into your mouth.
We cheer at the ones you catch,
greet the eager sea creatures who appear when we miss.
I lay my head on your lap at sunset as you brush my hair back from the evening breeze
We kiss and make love at nightfall
Then count the stars until dawn.
Your embrace keeps me warm through the night air
And my lips send chills through you when the sun is at its peak.
We play music at times
And dance until our feet are sore
We make friends with the passing dolphins,
Sometimes share the meals we catch.
I see it in our faces that we could never be happier
And we live long peaceful lives in each other's arms.

I look around this vast empty ocean
And see your face in each wave,
Your eyes in the glistening foam.
Brianna Hayley Jan 2016
You started digging outside one day,
Within a few hours you had quite a large hole
then you smack the ground and it starts raining,
filling up the hole with muddy rain water.
Quickly weeds grow up around it, running wild.
Suddenly you jump into this muddy lagoon,
I run to the bank and scream your name
you tell me you're fine, but you're clearly stuck.
your head bobs up and down in this lagoon you made for yourself
you gasp for air with each bob.
I hand you a tree branch,
     a flimsy one, but still,
and you just won't take it
you shake your head vigorously and insist you can get out yourself
but you just keep sinking farther and farther out of sight
and I can't call for help because my lips are sewn tight
     I sewed them myself
I take a breath in through my nose and dive into the muddy lagoon
reaching for your body
I find your hand and pull you to the surface
you appreciate the air but you won't get out
you say you're just going to stay here for a while,
try to learn to swim,
I think you're crazy but I can't leave
          a part of me wants to
but I won't.
Especially now that I dived in--
I'm just as covered in mud as you are--
with no tree branch to pull me out.
I'll stay and try to teach you to swim
then we can get out together, shake the mud off, and walk away.
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