What if I get tired of letting him break little pieces of me?

i never thought i would hate college
what a disappointment it has been
what a pathetic excuse of a life
because i cannot conform to the mediocrity surrounding me
i am drowning in the hope of what great new person i could meet
and yet
although there are three i can eat a meal with
where are the ones with passion?
transferring will be my savior
hopefully

i slip down this slippery ***** with her, and look her in the eyes just after our bodies slam into the gravel at the bottom of that steep *****.
and i slam her face against the ground, over and over and over again.
until it is just broken skull fragments, and mush for a brain,
and i stumble back,
realizing the damage i just did,
so i run.
and fall.
and crumble.
to laughter.
hysterical laughter.
she is gone.
but, she had already been gone, her carcass is now ruined.
what a good job i have done.
now she cannot return.
yet,
when i awake
she is still
there
looking back
at me
in that mirror
that seems to always mock me.

I look around and see smiles
A resting face
A quiet one
A calm one
All sorts of faces.
Everyone talking to each other,
With each other
Right there
But everyone is so far away.
They rate you and review you
And everyone likes you
Yet everyone is so disappointing.
The “friends” here are not that at all

and you see it may be my fault,
I'm so use to being hurt,
that it doesn't surprise me anymore.
I shouldn't expect you to hurt me, I shouldn't be to scared because one more fall could make me go for it
I shouldn't expect you to not insult me every couple of minutes, I shouldn't expect them to not laugh.
and now im use to it.
im use to your repeating comments, and little jabs.
im use to feeling this way, and maybe that's why im afraid.
why would one want to find happiness when every time she has, the fall wasn't worth it?
why is it that I cannot simply be standing in a hallway without people saying **** to me?
you say im annoying and that's your reason,
you say im the one you let all your anger out on
you say just because I don't like you
you say because you have a personality.
so
you for the last time you can all go **** yourselves
because hey like you said
I am nothing
so why is it I impact you?
why is it that my presence has so much ******* power over you, that you are so uncomfortable that you feel the need to insult me?
because hey I am nothing after all just like the rest of you.

The doors are locked
My shutters closed
Beneath the ground I lay
Hiding away
From the terror and calamity
This defense is quite flawed
Here I lay in the field
As the wind blows above and grass itches at my sides
My eyes are open
My mind is quiet as I ignore the recollection of what I mean
Of who I am
Of why I am this way
And
I ignore it all
Breath they whispered
And so I did.

I don't understand how to deal with these emotions.

I want to live the lie I've been smiling at all of you

Lonely is a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time
A wave that rolls in slowly but so powerful
It is deep
And makes me fear for the future
If I am lonely now
How will I ever meet someone that accompanies my heart the way you did?
Will anyone be able to touch and see and feel me the way you could?
Will I feel connected and understood for the things I do not want to talk about?
Or will I feel this lonely for eternity

Have you ever lost an intimate partner to a drug overdose?
A drug overdose that was most likely a suicide but is not known for sure?
How do you keep losing people when you are fighting so hard to stay yourself?

w
h
y

d
o

y
o
u

love

m
e

?

w
h
y

d
o

y
o
u

hate

m
e

?
­

a
n
d

w
h
y

d
o

i

care
?

Sometimes I wonder
How did I make it this far?

if I took so many pills would I finally fade away
if I ran would they find me
if I dropped, and cried, and let the watch as my final bits of dust flew away, would they see?
if I tied rocks to my feet and jumped would I be found,
if I tied this rope around my neck, and kicked the chair out from under me, would they feel the desperation in my last gasping breaths? will
I finally
be able to exhale?
if I cut all the way, vertical, would I feel the blood leak out of me?
would I feel as if I had found my freedom, once and for all?
if I dared to whisper a word, before I pulled the trigger,
what would I say?
shall I find out?
shall we?
if you opened your eyes what might you see?

the father.
who buys beer, over the needed milk,
the one who screams and yells of ******* hating life so much,
the father who talks and wishes of suicide,
the father who says he loves you but regrets having children in all,
the father who explains to the daughter that indeed, she will never be the favorite.
that she will never be good enough in either of their eyes,
that she is as good as ****.
The mother.
who is jealous of her daughter.
the one who, can't bare to look at her daughter.
the mother who screams, and threats, and pushes the daughter just down so much farther down.
into the suffocating water,
that drowns out her every wail for help.
the one who has no idea of the scars that bare her daughters body.
The mother who loves the others, oh so much more, the ones who have yet to finally disappoint her the way the daughter had.
the Brothers.
the sister.
all mixed up in pain, confusion, and love.
The family portrait is all smiles,
where everyone is in the pleading hands of suicide, the all to addicting poison of their choice, and all covering it up.
all in one house.
posing for the camera, and looking as if they are happy.
because that is what they were trained to do.

Loosing hope in the man you love is a disappointing feeling like no other.

Depression is the reason you think I am so successful.
I am never good enough.
My grades are never perfect enough
My weight is never low enough
My comments are never witty enough
My photographs are never the best
My poems are never decent
My life is meaningless unless I create massive change.
My life is disposable with each second that passes.
And that is why you think I am such a success.
How odd it is for people to compliment you and be jealous of some things when you youself only do these things because of your depression?
What a conundrum.
How odd it is to inspire another when you are the biggest disappointment you know?
How odd it is to have someone give your life value when you cannot?

I didn't reply so to say goodbye,
I did it because you were like a mosquito that never got enough blood you would **** the life out of me, and unlike the mosquito I loved you while you did it.
I loved you because whenever I was with you I felt whole, and good enough, and you made me feel again.
but I had to say goodbye.
I had to let myself try to get better on my own.
because I cannot let you heal me, and then leave.
because I knew from the moment my heart felt okay again, that that kind of high would result in a fall,
I wouldn't be able to get up from.
but I didn't reply so to say goodbye,
but it's not helping.
it's oh so much worse.
and they all say its for the best but, no no, what if it's for the worst?
im screaming inside,
my throat is raw,
my voice is no longer here,
it has faded out,
to nothing, like oh so many other things today,
I miss you, so much that I cannot put it into words.
They all said it was for the best, now im a better person.
but you helped,
I could feel okay at some points,
thats worth anything, right?
shouldn't other people who love you want you to be happy?
but, I suppose I agree with them. I suppose being happy at this point would cause my late nights to be more than just pills and a blade.
but, now that he is gone, now that I said goodbye, now that I cannot bring myself to say hello,
I have succumbed to the crash.
and I thought I was bad before but once,
you go somewhere inside of your own head,
where you are the one torturing yourself, and cannot stop,
once that becomes your everything,
and you find someone who made you feel, made your heart flutter,
and then you yourself are the one who gets rid of them, well this is my own fault.
I knew what would happen but somehow thinking, im the one that ended it, it would be better than him saying goodbye?
it is so much worse now.
it is getting to the point where, my smile, my laughter,
aren't covering it,
a point where I truly cannot hold up this façade.
and when people notice, when they say hey, are you okay?
my holy ****,
I drop so much farther down that ******* hole,
I am dragged, pulled to that place where I remember him, and then it is all over from there,
why of course I must escape this ****.

And when nothing
And no one
Relieves the stress or
Depression
You find alternative methods
In order to feel free

I realized today that it's been about 6 days of summer, and I wish I was back in school already.

you are a mistake
go cut yourself
go **** yourself
you are nothing
you are a failure
you are fat
your are revolting fat disgusting nasty
you are stupid
go away
go die in a hole
you are a mistake a mistake a mistake
they regret you
you are nothing
you are nothing at all
a failure
...
chuckles
laugh
the teacher looks away quickly
...
that one girl gives you a sheepish look
...
he continues.
they laugh.
...
you are silent.
...
he knows.
...
he is aware.
...
she is hiding, but he found her.
...
it is done.
...
they are gone.
...
the voices they stay.
...
her smile still intact
...
...
...
home.
...
no one is home.
...
...
...
the gun its downstairs, the knife that big one its in the drawer.
why not appease them?
all her medication just sitting there.
...
...
...
it is done.
they are gone.
the voices they remain.
the glances they stayed away.
...
...
...
and still she is here.
with that oh so big smile.
...
yet, why are they all looking for her body?
...

Give yourself the value you see in everyone else for once
Love yourself the way you want to be loved
Praise yourself the way you praise your friend
Be proud the way you are of your little sister
Respect yourself the way you respect your God or Idol
Learn to Love Yourself the way you deserve it
You are not less than anyone else
You are everything

my preconceived notions are dismantled
and i am told i am nothing
i know the refection
i understand
i am found
i was not lost i do not need this search
i was prepared
i was well equipped for my future with
an arsenal of knowledge and
social skills
but

i was not prepared
to go from
social butterfly
embracing her shielding cloak
to a
skeleton
drowning in
solitude
and open air
...
i was not prepared
for infinite opportunity of friendship
and yet
not a single
one has been found
...

Everyone says to check up on your friends
To check up on the ones that seem okay
And you do
You check up on everyone
You check up on everyone except for the person that you didn’t reach in time

After years of wishing I wasn’t here
After thinking I wouldn’t make it
I’m sitting in my car
Between my workout and the start of the work day
Sipping my iced coffee
And I have found peace
Content
In the questions unanswered
Looking forward to what has not been yet
And reminiscing on what was
Thankful for all that I have
With my hand out to you
I ask you to hold on
Because one day
We will both make it

What does it mean to be in a place you’ve dreamt of and still be crying?

When does the pain end?
I don't want it to end cause then I get happy but then I sink down again,
and it's like why are you teasing me happiness?
but if you want to be happy just be happy. Stop thinking and be happy skip, laugh, smile for ***** sake, really smile.
but I can't.
you can.
your just scared to.
so? your allowed to be scared.
Not of things like that be afraid of spiders or something.
I can't.

I miss your laugh
The way you smiled
I miss the kissing
The melting into each other
I miss the desire the need
I miss you
And I can’t get you back
What if you were the love of my life and now you are gone?
How do you get over someone that is no longer alive?
I miss you
All the adventures we never had
All the opportunities we missed
I wish you had not left
I wish you were here with me
I wish I had told you I loved you then
I wish I had been enough for you to stay

you asked me what have you learned?
I learned that next time I can't tell anyone that i won't be here tomorrow.
I learned that if I use wrist bands no one will ever know.
I learned that people do see scars on your thighs,
I learned that my "zoning out" can no longer occur.
I learned how to shove a fantastic smile on my face,
I learned how to add light to my eyes,
how to laugh and make you believe it.
I learned how to imitate.
I learned that I will end by myself.
that there will be no goodbye.
I learned that when I say I don't care im beginning to feel it.
because this numbness hasn't gone away in a while.
I learned that it won't go away without help.
And I learned that im not strong enough to ask for help.
So, it is shoved down my throat.
                                              while my smile is plastered upon my face.
I have yet to come up with the answer to your question.
the, WHY?
they plague my mind. But I cannot let this lie waver.
I had already attempted once.
just didn't succeed.
I have yet to find a moment where I don't regret waking up.

And I wonder,
Late at night,
Are these tears worth it?

How are you?
Great!
What’s wrong?
Oh nothing, I just really want to die sometimes. Lol!

They wonder why I think politics are life
And it’s because I see my brothers and me and them and everyone
Your socioeconomic status growing up makes drastic impacts on the opportunity in life you have
Dramatic changes in perception that you are not even aware of
I see how my brother sold drugs to be able to be on his own at 17
I see how thankful I was for my bf at the time to have a place to live
I see how thankful I am for the Army to pay for my school
I see the work and hours myself and coworkers put in
I see the privilege my sister has to use my moms new car as hers has broken down
I see the coworkers at Tops not prioritize education
Graduating high school is not an expectation
I see the privilege in my pocket and my own opportunity
I also see the ability for a friend to not worry about where she will live or how she will get a loan for school
How do people escape poverty if they don’t have anyone to co-sign a loan?
How do you get ownership?
And that ties into an entire discussion on systematic racism and current oppression as well.

I see my friend complain about pumping her own gas in her brand new Jeep her mom bought, and the gas her dad is paying for. I see another friend complain about having a (parent bought) Nissan instead of a Mercedes.

I see my friends and coworkers and siblings sell drugs to make more money because minimum wage jobs simply don’t give you enough. I see them sell, and use. Smoking **** turns into ******* and soon you have more.
I see them use to avoid anxiety and depression because it costs 90$ to see a therapist once a week.
I see my friend boast about how much she has loved therapy her entire life.
I fall in love with a boy who needed drugs to escape reality.
Depression can make you do silly things like get addicted to drugs that can be laced with fentanyl.
Poverty can make you do things like sell drugs, and use them to escape mental illnesses, because you can’t take off work to pay for or even miss for the therapy session you need.
Furthermore, therapy is not even a common recommendation.

It can make you do things like join a military that owns you.

It can make you do things like sell your body or pictures or videos.

It can make you work hard and “be proud of it” and then realize the capitalist pig society you live in.

This is not even direct poverty it is a lower income class that still has several opportunities.

The income gap is much more than just that it is a life gap, an opportunity gap, a smile and happiness gap.

It is quite literally the difference between a living and breathing and thriving Tony, and a dead one.

It is the difference between my brother eating one day or having a place to live the next.

It is the difference between my brothers having their mom alive or not.

And I know the rich or well off can be addicted to coke with therapy, and they have their own issues with family and they can be suicidal despite every comfort and opportunity.

There still lies the difference in every opportunity, the difference in air breathed and health standards, the difference in education and expectations.

The difference in life and choice.
In opportunity or fate.
The rate of work one must put in to get to where another starts is astounding.
And this is only mild in the US compared to other places.

Some would say I should not complain. But how many people will I see from similar backgrounds be addicted or die until something changes?
How many people will I see sit by and do nothing?

the bridge
it's sitting out there just out of your reach
so close you can touch it
so tempting you almost dared to jump for it
but that almost
was just a thought

your hope
you were so close to it
you had a taste
and vomited it up just as quickly

your love
to much of a coward to stay
you were there
and you
cut your heart out before he or she had the chance to

your damnation
you waltzed with it, let it linger
you let it infuse with your being
ignorant to its poison

your heaven
you hid
letting the fear
**** your desire
and leave it in the dark

your hell
you thought your "higher than man" self
could out wit the master

your failure
you accepted it
sometimes without acknowledgement

and

your success
you wouldn't take notice

your future, past, and present

dominated by your pathetic
weak
ever so disappointing
"needs"

I feel like I am in a cycle of failure over and over again.  
I feel overwhelmed.
I am feeling a lot of feelings I do not like or understand.
It is hard work living.

How did you love yourself today?
Did you take a moment to breathe?
To feel?
Did you notice the kiss of sun on your skin?
On your face?
Did you feel weight lift from your shoulders?
Did you push yourself out of bed at 0430 to make it to the gym? Or did you stay in and get the rest you needed?
Did you wake up and make pancakes and coffee and write postcards?
Or was it a day where you cannot feel the sun?
Where the weight was so heavy you have nothing left to feel?
Where even being outside does not lift your spirit?
It is on those days,
I would cry,
And beg for you,
To love yourself.
Those are the days it matters most.
To love yourself enough to be patient,
And wait for the next good day to arrive.
Because as painful as the wait is-
Eventually you’ll find yourself in the midst of feeling the sun kiss your soul again.  And it will hit you like a brick.
Maybe in that moment you’ll feel the rush of gratitude,
Of happiness,
Of what it might feel like to be balanced.
And you’ll have to fight to not fear it.  
You’ll have to fight tooth and nail to allow yourself to be okay.
Even for a day.
And then you chase it.
You chase the love you use to starve yourself of.
And maybe every day you’ll wonder
Why is it so hard? Why is this not an innate feeling? An innate gesture to love myself?
Why?
At the end of the day you may never know why, maybe you will and refuse to accept it.
But you’ll know you have to do try because if you don’t there wouldn’t be a you at all.
And one day, you’ll be back to being happy that you are here.

Looking through my old poems
It has hit me that following my break up of 4.5 years
I did not write a single sad poem about missing him
I did the breaking up
I guess for good reason
Because the poems about HIM are from years before the deed was done

I will caress my soul
With loving words
And grace
I will give her my love
And kiss every inch
Whispering to her
“You are beautiful”
I will write it on the inside of her eyelids
“You are enough”
I will anchor it to her feet
“It is okay to stay”
I will hold her hand
And she takes a step
I will tell her she can trust
And love
And give
And
She will stay herself
She will be better
She can join a “we”

I will sing to her in the shower
And beg her to leave bed when she no longer can lay there
I will convince her to do yoga
And eat
And go for a run
I will chase the endorphins for her
I will take care of her
The way I would you
And I will kiss her goodnight
And tell her how proud I am
That she awoke

Can silence substitute for peace?

If I am to live a life
It is one where
I look back and I remember
My fist was in the air,
My voice loud and booming.
I will remember the feeling of wind in my hair and a smile across my face,
A smile deep in my soul.
I will hear the laughter, and joy
The tears and pain.
I will recall the pitter patter of anxiety,
I will feel the ambush of relief,
I will embrace the remnants of a journey long sought after.

I will remember the sound of my boots on dirt
On gravel
On air
On water

I will explain the love of self
And the love of he and I together

And I will have lived a life
A life intrinsic to balance
And goodness
And whole heartedness
I will remember the friends and family
And the good intentions
I will try to remember

the only value all of it has
Is here
And now
And I will know now
The gratitude in every breath
The abundance of bliss
In the opening arms of a stranger

We will have loved and lived and laughed and grieved in this second and infinite more
For that second is all but your life
Nothing to remember
Nothing to romanticize
Here and now
To live or let lost
To give or take
Now
breathe
Now
Kiss
Now
hold
Now
touch
Now live
And
Let go

It is hard
To lay here and message you as a “friend”
After I envisioned a life with you
I contemplated what it is I wanted
Kids
Religion
Upbringing
What state to live in
Not seriously-but enough to make me ponder.
Seriously enough to make sure you knew I would only want to adopt
Serious enough to become exclusive for someone who enjoys many
To be aware of love bombing and to bask in its negative positivity
I was aware
I had the desire to be with you
And the fear of not being ready to have a serious relationship
Because I still miss Tony
And you apparently chose to admit you still miss your ex
Who I had asked about several times
And how do I be friends with this person
Who held me
And called me beautiful
And sang to me in German
And made me question what it is to believe in God again?
These are not the key reasons because I call myself beautiful, I sing to myself, I contemplate my deepest beliefs
I self reflect
So what was it, that made you so enticing
The allure of an intelligent, tall, nice, innocent, safe looking man?
In truth- in the moment I had plenty to complain about
In truth- even now I am thankful you did the difficult part
Because if we were “serious” I would be wanting to leave.
And now
We had a month of nothing
A month of vast unanswered questions
A month of anxiety at work for fear of running into you
A month of whining
A difficult month for work as well
But you want to be friends
Because you “value me” and get happy and excited to see me?
But this is not the same reaction for me anymore. My reaction is an aching heart and embarrassment across my cheeks. My reaction is over dramatic and self inflicted but it still brings me awkward feelings.
And I’m aware it is on my own terms
To become friends
But I want your friendship
But I cannot be friends with someone that still makes my heart skip a beat?
I cannot put myself in harms way more?
But am I?
I feel better, more calm and at peace knowing I can call you a friend
Or at least knowing I am not at war with you
Because you do not have power over me anymore
Or maybe it is simply less seemingly so in my brain

It is a dangerous game
I am aware
A toxic one perhaps
That feeds into my most peculiar masochistic tendencies
To desire what I cannot have
To achieve what does not want me
To reject what once rejected me

Was it rejection?
He knew he was not giving me the love I deserved and so he told me
And so he asked to be friends then
And so he asked to maintain
And I left
I put my shirt on and walked away

I should be grateful
It is a weird amount of feelings
And none of them combine well
To make a coherent and comprehensive conclusion
It amounts to emotional chaos
I wonder what the actual good term is for that

This Christmas I have been alone
All by myself
In a new city
With no one near.
All my friends visiting their own family,
And my own 2000 miles away.
I am proud to have made it through the day, and year.
Even though all day I have missed you.
Wished you were here with me.
Even if I could only message you,
Even if I could only be happy you were with someone else.
Even if I just knew you were still breathing.
Would be better than this.
In my head I wonder if all the ache is worth it.
We did not date.
We were not together long.
And yet the moments we shared live infinitely in my mind,
On replay.
Maybe it is a “trauma bond” as I have googled.
Or maybe it is simply that my soul was comfortable with you.
You understood my depression and suicidal desires at the same time as loving me for being successful.
You did not shame me.
You did not make me try to explain why this and why that.
We basked in the shared understanding.
And maybe I was a fool to believe you.
To believe you would stay.
And maybe it was an accident.
It seems almost all my poems end in this now.
If you can even call them poems.

I know that you are gone
But I keep swiping
I keep searching
As if I will find you in someone else
As if someone else will be you?

When do you stop forgiving disappointment after disappointment?
When is love not enough?
I keep wondering will I turn into a women at old age continuing to be disappointed over and over?
What if im expecting too much or being too needy?
Am I too ambitious?
Should i be with someone of equal goals?
Will i become the bread winner and resent my partner for doing nothing?
Can I depend on him?
When is it enough to leave the love and find someone you can depend on, and feel equal too?
Is the love enough to stay?
What if this version of love is the only version I have known and there is a much better one far out there?
What if this is the best it gets?
What if there is something wrong with me?
When is it enough to let my doubts consume me
When is it enough?

In the midst of your death
I swear I saw the flicker of a smile