Everyone says to check up on your friends
To check up on the ones that seem okay
And you do
You check up on everyone
You check up on everyone except for the person that you didn’t reach in time

I used to like the cadence of “the Army goes rolling along”…
Until I was in it
And on a Sunday morning we found out our friend had shot himself
Four days after getting home and redeploying early.
And on Monday, we had all of our meetings, we had every due out, and only a few out of place “how are you’s”?
And so I keep asking myself how this happened
How no one knew of any signs
How we could not save him
Of all of the future plans he had and the laughs that will never be shared
I sigh and I cry and I hug and my heart still aches
And I think of David and Tony and the people suicide and depression have already stolen from me
And of all the people I could not save
And now in an organization as large as the Army, how is there no change?
Of all the “Soldier first” and “golden triangle” phone calls and “MQ Leadership” how are we still here?
How is the reality I am living even happening?
There is a better way, one that I know we need, but one I have yet to find or create
So the story of the American soldier goes on,
While Iran attacks Israel and our guns are up, we will be “ready”
Despite an aching heart
And a broken person or key leader or two
Because you were never graced with even enough time to breathe
And you return to the same organization your friend hated
The same organization that drained, and exhausted, and took from your friend
And you think to yourself, what if he had loved it?
What if his battalion commander had uplifted him?
What if his leadership had fought for him?
What if the people receiving him in the rear actually took care of him?
But most of all what if we could have saved him?
And so with a rather lack of poetic flow,
I will carry him with me in life, like I do the others. I will keep trying. But a life of trying this hard is draining the sunlight from me, as so many people said to keep it.
So maybe we will come together, and find a solution. A better way to help our people. A way to keep us alive.
Or as they say, the army will keep rolling along.

With another I was always unsure of if he was the one or not,
Always questioning and never sure,
And I fell in love with another so easily.
And I lost him.
I could not save him.
And I have had my tears, time, and peace.
And now I have found love again.
One that is so full and healthy and abundant that I am sure;
I am so sure.
His presence brings me peace,
and part of me whispers concern,
of so many what ifs,
and part of me worries,
that I will want to run and adventure,
but I think I am realizing that what I am more afraid of
is if I marry,
and have a family,
and live the dream,
and loose it,
or break it,
or become sad again,
or disappoint them.
Instead of being unsure of the man, I am afraid of something I cannot even name.

I will love you until the water falls off of the planet and gravity fails to keep us grounded to the soil
Until the sky turns purple and the grass is blue
Until the sun and moon kiss again
Until the flowers grow from roots above
I will love you until space falls into our laps and aliens become our neighbors
And friends
And enemies
Until cats bark and dogs meow
Until our energy turns into something else
And only then I can hope
That I will be graced with your presence once more
Whether it be as a ladybug on my flower
Or as a human by another name and another face
Until our physical forms are anew
Until our energy is all that pulls us together
And forever can not begin to sum it up
So I will love you until my spirit leaves my body
And I will find you after
In a new life
And if you shall leave me first I will bring you with me
Into every day
I will see you in the beauty of the sunlight
In the calmness of a moment
In the frigid exhale of air in a western New York winter
In the delight of a newlywed couple
In the taste of my favorite homemade brownies
In the joy of a beautiful autumn day
In the comfort of our couch
And bed
And home
In the deapth of my soul
Because I am with you
Until the earth becomes flat and the water falls off the edges

I want to be lost in the sea of people
And stick to the membranes inside your skull

I feel it all slipping through my fingers
I can see the darkness creeping in
The highs and lows
I can feel my love for you hiding
Running away
To where she is safe
I can feel my heart
Closing
Trying to run
I can feel the gulp in the back of my throat
The feeling in my stomach
The tears on my cheeks
And I can see the road ahead
One that I continue to walk alone

I will caress my soul
With loving words
And grace
I will give her my love
And kiss every inch
Whispering to her
“You are beautiful”
I will write it on the inside of her eyelids
“You are enough”
I will anchor it to her feet
“It is okay to stay”
I will hold her hand
And she takes a step
I will tell her she can trust
And love
And give
And
She will stay herself
She will be better
She can join a “we”

I will sing to her in the shower
And beg her to leave bed when she no longer can lay there
I will convince her to do yoga
And eat
And go for a run
I will chase the endorphins for her
I will take care of her
The way I would you
And I will kiss her goodnight
And tell her how proud I am
That she awoke

No matter how great you become
Or how fit
Or successful
It will never change that when you were younger
It was not enough

If I am to live a life
It is one where
I look back and I remember
My fist was in the air,
My voice loud and booming.
I will remember the feeling of wind in my hair and a smile across my face,
A smile deep in my soul.
I will hear the laughter, and joy
The tears and pain.
I will recall the pitter patter of anxiety,
I will feel the ambush of relief,
I will embrace the remnants of a journey long sought after.

I will remember the sound of my boots on dirt
On gravel
On air
On water

I will explain the love of self
And the love of he and I together

And I will have lived a life
A life intrinsic to balance
And goodness
And whole heartedness
I will remember the friends and family
And the good intentions
I will try to remember

the only value all of it has
Is here
And now
And I will know now
The gratitude in every breath
The abundance of bliss
In the opening arms of a stranger

We will have loved and lived and laughed and grieved in this second and infinite more
For that second is all but your life
Nothing to remember
Nothing to romanticize
Here and now
To live or let lost
To give or take
Now
breathe
Now
Kiss
Now
hold
Now
touch
Now live
And
Let go

The sun is shining
And I see two friends taking pictures in front of a beautiful yellow leaved tree
I see a man singing and playing guitar far away
I see a traveler sitting on a bench in peace
I see friends sharing a game
And a young family walking
I hear the birds singing
And the water floating
The leaves bright red and yellow and orange

I feel bliss and connection and freedom and happiness
And peace
And the profound connection almost brings me to tears
And these are the things I stayed here for
These are the moments I live a life for

The sound of leaves crunching beneath my boots
The snow whisking away while we ski side to side
The rain drip dropping into rivers
The sun soaking my heart in bliss

The feeling of a hug from my mom and dad
The smile I see on your face when I greet you
The joy in my sisters eyes who once wanted to end her life
The looks of a healthy and clean brother

A cup of tea
A book
A comfortable outfit on a rainy day
A dance in the kitchen
And kiss that I feel for days

A poem that moves my soul
A sound that brings tears to my eyes
A protest with tangible energy
A moment of peace with the first sip of iced coffee every morning

The sweat dripping down my face and shins and legs and body after I try
The air in my lungs
The feeling of freedom as I find my way on a new trail
The taste of love in my veins
The drive home when I feel what I use to wish for

The connection between you and me and them and they and she and he and her and his
The friends that soothe my soul
The strangers that peak my interest
Chasing the unknown
Feeling the fear creep in
Feeling the rush
Feeling the reward

The smile on my face when I know
When I know you stayed here with me
When I know you found happiness again
When I know you’re choosing to fight

Guidelines
Instructions for how to
Is what I would like
A checklist
A timeline
A conversation
A time ago
I was connected to you
Sexually and emotionally intertwined
A love in a way
No future together but the present moment was one unlike any other
The shared understanding of sadness
The moans and passion and heart
The eyes wandering in the shower
And the jokes had
That we both knew were not jokes
And the heartbreak explained
And the mistakes made
And the opportunities never fulfilled
And the dates never planned
And the being together never happening
And the you no longer being
And the you no longer breathing
And the you no longer seeing
And the you no longer existing

Break Break Break
I found out
I cried
I broke
And I broke up with the original boyfriend
I lived
I worked
I fought
I moved
I graduated
I ******
I slept with
I used
I worked out
I crush here and there
I find someone
Someone I may want something with

And it is weird
It is not the same at all
Maybe it is a stepping stone
Maybe it is nothing at all
A journey to be had

A guideline is what I would like
For how to love again
And trust
And be with
And not be too emotional
For how to be me
With him
For how to be me with him and to not lose you
For how to bring you with me
While I love another

I hold your fingers in my hand,
And I feel the lack of love from yours.

I feel the insecurity in my brain,
The feeling of being loved is now a question,
Not a known factor.

The question I do not like,
I would rather know.
I think it would be worse to know however,
That someone did love you-
But the way they loved,
And how they showed you,
Were never enough.
They could never reach the depth you desire,
They could never satiate your hunger,
They could never connect to all of you.
They could never understand what made you, who you are.
No matter how much they wanted- or maybe their love was simply not great enough.
Maybe they failed themselves as well,
Maybe they felt inadequate and you were too much and they could never make you happy anyways.
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
Is what I will write
Until I know
Either way
The maybe is the issue
In instead
Indeed it is
Is it my indecision
Or is it legitimate concern
A “normal” amount?
Is my desire for attention too much?
Is my *** drive too high?
Is my desire for emotional and intellectual connection unrealistic?
These questions are silly
If it were my sister or friend
Or anyone
I would have yelled to have them leave
But how do you leave when they caress parts of you that you did not know needed or wanted it?
Maybe these are the learning points that tik tok references
Ha
Ha
Ha
How do you leave when this is the beginning

I whisper to you,
To open your legs,
And you obey.

I glide my fingers across your body,
And press my lips to the spaces you’d rather hide.

Our tongues join in a dance,
And I feel your love enter me.

I close my eyes and wish I had my heart turned away,
And I drown in the fear of loving you.

I feel your body against mine,
And I loose the bearing I once had.

Did you fall?
Did you leap?
Did you trip and crash and burn and cry and wail and scream and beg?
Did you hurt yourself?
Did you feel nothing and everything?
Did you make it?
Did you feel a release?
Did you resort to drugs or self harm or sports or straight As or work or peace or hiking or *** or fighting or did you flee?
Did you find the light?
Did you attempt to leave and was forced to come back?
Did you find a reason to stay?
Did you find God?
Did you find the oneness?
Did you find happiness?
Did you discover your identity?
Did you let someone give you a purpose?
Did you give yourself your own purpose?
Your purpose of nothingness?
Did you find a reason to keep breathing?
Did you help someone else find the joy again?
Did you?
Did you?
Did you?
Or didn’t you?

Let me hold your hand,
And escort you to happiness.
Let me bring you to sunshine,
And I’ll hold your laughter safe with mine.

Allow me to look into your eyes,
And share my love for you.
Let me embrace your desire for more,
And fill it with fuel.
Allow your passion to engulf me in its flames,
So that I may melt into you-
So that my ashes may spread across the mountains,
And the river,
And the oceans.

Allow me to caress your insecurities,
And kiss your wounds.
I beg for your permission-
To feel at ease.
To run away and be chased,
To eat your food,
And feel your belly full,
At the same time,
You will feel beautiful.

Take my hand so,
That we may share our dreams.
Take my heart,
So that we may escape the nightmares.
Take my heart,
Is what I wrote.
But it belongs to no one-
Except for you and I.

My hand is your hand,
My heart is your heart,
And my dreams your dreams.
I will love me.
You will love you.    
And we will embrace the unknown- together.

After years of wishing I wasn’t here
After thinking I wouldn’t make it
I’m sitting in my car
Between my workout and the start of the work day
Sipping my iced coffee
And I have found peace
Content
In the questions unanswered
Looking forward to what has not been yet
And reminiscing on what was
Thankful for all that I have
With my hand out to you
I ask you to hold on
Because one day
We will both make it

I thought about you
For a long time
I yearned for the connection
I wanted you
For all that you are
Safe, intelligent, wholesome
A spiritual man
An ambitious and socially conscious and caring man
One with patience and heart
One who made me smile
And want more
One who pushed me
And challenged me
One who made me question what I really want

You were with me and gone
Because I had to walk away
And you chose to inch your way back
And commit
And now we are together
For short or long
For my better judgement or not
My heart was with you the entire time away
So why would I not join again

Smiling, I take your hand
And you support me
And I support you
I feel myself falling
Already fallen really

But I do not want to have babies
Maybe my brain is still a baby
Maybe she is growing and reflecting and in 10 years I will
But you want them sooner rather than later
And I do not know if I even want them

I do not even know if I want to stay in the military
Or what route if I do stay
Or if I need to leave and do van life
And maybe these are all indeed premature worries for a relationship that is still in its own infant stage

These have a way of getting away from me
But here I am
Writing my feelings for you
Thinking of your eyes I could melt into
Your hands I love to hold
Trying to have a healthy relationship
Because you are what I want

Some worries include our varying libidos and appetites and interests
All related to one of my favorite topics
***

Some worries include the children thing
Or maybe the god thing- you love him and I do not acknowledge it’s existence
And these valid worries are significant
Quite important
But they are all the things I love most about you
That I admire
And adore
Your love of children and God and more
Your love of what is right and good and your passion to help

Today you called
And said I had to love you for all that you are
For when you do not want to cuddle or for when you want alone time
And I said oh do not worry and laughed
And maybe you realized and maybe you didn’t
It is because I already find myself in love with all of you

She told me to write you a letter
An idea I never thought of  
Because In my brain you are no longer there
Or that’s what I like to think
I don’t think I will ever understand why you were a dad to my brothers and not me
That is what I would think
I’ll never understand why you couldn’t fix yourself
I won’t understand how I could even want you to be better because I have my own dad
I have my dad that was there and chose to be there
So part of me hated myself for wanting something from you
I remember calling you dad once as a gift to you
But last time I saw you
I told you I loved you
And I hugged you
And I left
And cried
Because there is no love there
Why do I lie and be nice to you when you do not deserve anything from me
Why did I feel the need to put your comfort ahead of my own
Why as a grown women is this man who was never there making me cry
Making me cry when very few do
And maybe I have some more issues to deal with now
Because maybe when I saw you at a bar instead of my birthday party with all my friends in the car it was not okay
I thought you chose to not go to my birth but my mom chose to not have you there
And for good reason
I do not forgive you for making me wonder why I was not good enough to love properly when I was young
I do not forgive you for making the little version of me question herself
I do not forgive you for making me now dedicate time to you
For making it awkward between my brothers and I
I do not forgive you for making my mother struggle
I do not feel bad for you
Because you chose addiction over everything
Because you influenced my siblings
I do not forgive you for hurting them or me
But maybe I need to
So that I can be free of you for real
But that is a journey I do not know how to begin
Why I have a need to do so is unknown to me
I have had a dad my whole life
A step dad
But he is my dad
A last name we do not share
But he was the one at my chorus and band concerts
He taught me how to fix things
How to be strong
How to speak up and be comfortable
How to care for others
And how to say ******* to those that needed it
And how to work
And how to ask for help
And so much more
He is my dad
And you are nothing
So why when you ask to hang out on Father’s Day and you yell at me when I say no
It makes me cry
Why when a man has given me nothing
Makes fun of me
I allow him the power to impact my heart
To make me cry

Maybe one day
You’ll be driving home
After a long, hard days of work
And you’ll be listening to a song you love
Vibing as they would say
And you’ll see a rainbow
And you’ll cry
Because here you are
Doing that thing
Making it
When you thought you never would

At the end of the day
In the middle
And in the beginning
It is you who I miss
And you who I want to hold my hand
And eyes that I want to look into
And heart I want to share mine
But if the feeling is not mutual
I will retract
And
I will hide
But
I will still want you

I miss you
Like the tide reaches for the shore
I miss you
Like the sunlight melts a falling snowflake
I miss you
Like the sound of rain on a porch
I miss you
Like the feeling of a hug needed after years without
I miss you
Like the tears that never flew down my cheeks
I miss you
Like the heart that beats a rhythm
I miss you
Like the thrill of an adventure
I miss you
Like the feeling of a job well done
I miss you
Like the acceptance of my reflection in the mirror
I miss you
Like the opportunity to shine
I miss you
Like the words of affirmation my heart desires
I miss you
Like all the chances I gave
I miss you
Like the hand held out waiting for a friend to find it
I miss you
Like the help I didn’t ask for
I miss you
Like the calm to my chaos
Do I miss you?

I want to cry
But I cannot
So I get drunk
And then the tears will flow

It is weird
Messaging you
I miss intimacy
The feeling of connection
And now
It is like making small talk with a stranger
How odd
Maybe it will make me stop missing you
I do not know

It is hard
To lay here and message you as a “friend”
After I envisioned a life with you
I contemplated what it is I wanted
Kids
Religion
Upbringing
What state to live in
Not seriously-but enough to make me ponder.
Seriously enough to make sure you knew I would only want to adopt
Serious enough to become exclusive for someone who enjoys many
To be aware of love bombing and to bask in its negative positivity
I was aware
I had the desire to be with you
And the fear of not being ready to have a serious relationship
Because I still miss Tony
And you apparently chose to admit you still miss your ex
Who I had asked about several times
And how do I be friends with this person
Who held me
And called me beautiful
And sang to me in German
And made me question what it is to believe in God again?
These are not the key reasons because I call myself beautiful, I sing to myself, I contemplate my deepest beliefs
I self reflect
So what was it, that made you so enticing
The allure of an intelligent, tall, nice, innocent, safe looking man?
In truth- in the moment I had plenty to complain about
In truth- even now I am thankful you did the difficult part
Because if we were “serious” I would be wanting to leave.
And now
We had a month of nothing
A month of vast unanswered questions
A month of anxiety at work for fear of running into you
A month of whining
A difficult month for work as well
But you want to be friends
Because you “value me” and get happy and excited to see me?
But this is not the same reaction for me anymore. My reaction is an aching heart and embarrassment across my cheeks. My reaction is over dramatic and self inflicted but it still brings me awkward feelings.
And I’m aware it is on my own terms
To become friends
But I want your friendship
But I cannot be friends with someone that still makes my heart skip a beat?
I cannot put myself in harms way more?
But am I?
I feel better, more calm and at peace knowing I can call you a friend
Or at least knowing I am not at war with you
Because you do not have power over me anymore
Or maybe it is simply less seemingly so in my brain

It is a dangerous game
I am aware
A toxic one perhaps
That feeds into my most peculiar masochistic tendencies
To desire what I cannot have
To achieve what does not want me
To reject what once rejected me

Was it rejection?
He knew he was not giving me the love I deserved and so he told me
And so he asked to be friends then
And so he asked to maintain
And I left
I put my shirt on and walked away

I should be grateful
It is a weird amount of feelings
And none of them combine well
To make a coherent and comprehensive conclusion
It amounts to emotional chaos
I wonder what the actual good term is for that

I’ve fought this long
To stay here for you
I have done my best to
Continue
So that you had an older sister
To save you
To be there
To hold your hand
To hug you
And give you all the love you cannot give yourself

I’m still here because I know if I left
Others would leave too
And it would break my mom
And my brother would not recover

And I have stayed for you and you and you.  
Today
I can say I stayed for me too
But I am still here
With tears
Fighting and crawling
My way
To continue

I keep trying to come here to write how I feel
But I am at a loss of words
I begin
And delete
And I attempt and fail

I see you
And it reminds me that I was not good enough
And then my brain thinks and corrects itself
It reminds me that you were not ready to love me
It reminds me that if I want to keep a positive view of you that you simply need more time
It reminds me that you would rather be alone

My eyes full with tears
The joy I feel
Reflects in my smile for days
I am so proud of you
For being brave enough to want to see another day
For being here with me
For facing the darkness and choosing to fight your way to see a glimmer of light
I am so proud of you for getting out of bed and coming to work and showing up and being able to sit here and laugh with me today
I am so proud of you for existing

I do not know
Which is harder for me to accept
That you do not miss me
Or that I miss you so much?

I don’t need you but I wanted you.

To be enough
It is an odd feeling
To feel enough
And not be enough for someone
To know that as great as I am
There is nothing that could change their heart
Or maybe there is
A person
A laugh
A breath
A moment
That could have changed their mind
I do not know
But it is evident
It will not be from me
In their own time perhaps
But not now
Not with me
And it is hard to accept that
To be there for myself
To hug myself

I can speak to you
And tell you everything you want to hear
Because it is everything I need
I can make you cry
From the compliments and praise and comfort I give you
Because it is everything I cannot believe for myself
Because I know how it feels to tell yourself the opposite every day all day
Because I am here for you
The way I will always say I am there for myself
But the same way I will continue to fail being there

I’d rather put on a fashion show for you
But if your heart does not mesh with mine
Then it does not deserve to see this smile
It does not deserve to feel this love
It does not begin to match the energy
It does not comfort my soul
The way it should
So I will savor her
I will protect her
Until there is someone worthy
Until someone fools me long enough
Until they turn out to be true
Until I’m me for me
Oh wait that is now
I am okay
I did not lose me
It was not long enough
I am okay
I am here
I am still here for me
And not for
You

I wish you had called me. I wish you were more clear that morning. I wish you had stopped me. I wish you cared as much as I did. I wish I was good enough for you.

It feels like you don’t even care about me. Like you can’t take the 5 seconds out of your day to respond to me. Like you don’t value the amount of joy and connection my lips and eyes give you. And if you can’t appreciate the dedication and time I donate to you then I will not allow you to take advantage of my being. I will not allow you to use me and fulfill your ego. I do not expect the world from you but I also expect more than bare minimum. If you did not want a relationship then why would you do this and that and this and that and over and over and over again. Why would you buy me things for your home and ask me to be yours. I do not understand why you would ask to go on dates, to be exclusive, to take up so much of my time for you to say you do not want a relationship. For you to say you want to be friends. For you to not even call or text me.  Maybe it is the validation I seek or the closure or the unwavering need to feel in control. Maybe it is because I am the one who leaves so that I can avoid this. And all I want is for you to show up and say you’re sorry and explain. I can only hope to avoid tomorrow. I can only hope to not see you. I can only hope for so long. Before I think and know that if he cared he would’ve called by now. If he cared about me the way I care for him he would have done something. Maybe it is my fault for saying I do not want to keep doing the weird in between thing. But it is not my fault. It is not my responsibility to ensure he is there or here or with me. It is his responsibility to want me and to put effort into that. For this has shown me so much more than what a kiss ever could.

The intimacy I crave
My soul at peace with yours
My smile unafraid
My laugh free to fly around the room
My tears capable of swelling
My body able to breathe in and out, to sweat, to bloat, to become larger, to become smaller
My lips caressed often
You being you
With me

I tried to understand
When you asked me to let you in
I tried to open my heart
I opened my arms
I opened my past
I shared
And I do not feel the reciprocation
I feel my energy and output is much greater than yours
Maybe I fail to understand what it means for you to share something
I know you do not understand what it means when I share everything

I listened to a sermon on Easter
I am not religious
Nor do I believe a God exists
But he does.
So I’ll listen with respect
And eagerly await the next words with interest.
This one was on Life after the Letdown.
It hits home.
Life goes on after the worst moments,
The times you thought you wouldn’t make it.
All the times you tried to end it- life goes on.
Every single time you thought you couldn’t make it.
You did.
One way or another.
And the sermon stated, all the times you tried to **** yourself God wouldn’t let you. He was not done with you yet.
So the others? That make it? He’s just done with them?
I cannot accept that.
I do not understand the faith.
I cannot wrap my head around it.
I cannot pour my soul into it
My heart will not open for something so unreal to me.
I do not need a God to have a plan for me, A God to love and cherish me,
A God to somehow forgive me, for what sins?
A God to comfort me in the dark times-
A God to comfort me when I do not know.
It is simply a comfort the same way you lay in bed,
Or eat certain foods,
Or breathe in fresh air.
Or the same way your drink,
The same way you inject,
The same way you ignorantly believe whatever side of the aisle you are on.
It is all the same.
Everything and nothing.
And it doesn’t matter either way.
Because after every Letdown
Life will go on
With or without
God

The same way someone describes their grandmother passing
The same way they see her there
The same way there is a lack of presence
Soul
Whatever it is that makes her, her
Is the same way depression feels
Is the same thing I’ve seen in people alive
The same exact feeling The same way someone describes their grandmother passing
The same way they see her there
The same way their is a lack of presence
Soul
Whatever it is that makes her her
Is the same way depression feels
Is the same thing I’ve seen in the living
The same exact feeling
You watch them disappear

I miss him
I miss his eyes and connection and smile and feeling of utter comfort
I don’t miss the sinking feeling of my heart
Or the worry or dread or fear  
It is difficult to share with someone
The feeling of wanting to die
To **** yourself
And have them understand
They don’t, they can’t if they haven’t wanted that.
And maybe that’s who I need to be with. Someone that cannot relate.
And I wonder if the connection was simply the month long infatuation with someone that finally understood me?
Or part of me.
And with only so long
And never saying goodbye
Never knowing what would happen
I feel guilt.
Because It has been a little over a year and I no longer cry on my way home from work
The grief is here but smaller
I no longer go on solo hikes and envision myself carrying him with me
A small part is with me but not all of him
It is finally at that point
And now I have found someone new to smile with
To hike with
To hold hands
Someone happy and healthy and who every time he speaks I like him more and more
Someone who may not understand that part of me
And that is okay
But I cannot feel completely free
I feel like I am betraying someone that was never mine
But he would want me to be with a partner
A partner that I can be free with

How did you love yourself today?
Did you take a moment to breathe?
To feel?
Did you notice the kiss of sun on your skin?
On your face?
Did you feel weight lift from your shoulders?
Did you push yourself out of bed at 0430 to make it to the gym? Or did you stay in and get the rest you needed?
Did you wake up and make pancakes and coffee and write postcards?
Or was it a day where you cannot feel the sun?
Where the weight was so heavy you have nothing left to feel?
Where even being outside does not lift your spirit?
It is on those days,
I would cry,
And beg for you,
To love yourself.
Those are the days it matters most.
To love yourself enough to be patient,
And wait for the next good day to arrive.
Because as painful as the wait is-
Eventually you’ll find yourself in the midst of feeling the sun kiss your soul again.  And it will hit you like a brick.
Maybe in that moment you’ll feel the rush of gratitude,
Of happiness,
Of what it might feel like to be balanced.
And you’ll have to fight to not fear it.  
You’ll have to fight tooth and nail to allow yourself to be okay.
Even for a day.
And then you chase it.
You chase the love you use to starve yourself of.
And maybe every day you’ll wonder
Why is it so hard? Why is this not an innate feeling? An innate gesture to love myself?
Why?
At the end of the day you may never know why, maybe you will and refuse to accept it.
But you’ll know you have to do try because if you don’t there wouldn’t be a you at all.
And one day, you’ll be back to being happy that you are here.

Life is like a hike.
It can long and strenuous and difficult.
Or short, simple and sweet.
Maybe you looked up your route prior and planned it.
Maybe a friend told you to go down there.
Either way your footsteps took you where you wanted.
You may fall down, hit your *** and get right back up.
You may turn the wrong way and get lost.
And you may eventually find your way back to the path.
Or you find a path long forgotten, one many had passed on, but you know you can make it.
Sometimes there are 360 views the whole journey, and sometimes you get to the summit and it’s only fog, rain, and ugly clouds.
There are lots of people on the most popular trails.
Some nice,
Some random,
Some rude leaving trash here and there.
And you can either change it or leave it be.
And on the rugged mysterious trails, you will not find many fellow hikers.

My hike is long, rough, and difficult.
I have gotten lost, found old paths, made my own, and returned to my roots.  
There have been many visitors to my smile and laughter.
Few have been lucky enough to hear my story. But many have changed their course to a happier route alongside mine, somewhere in the distance they are there.

And I know that the summit is gorgeous. 360 views.
And when I fall on my ***, I get back up. Sometimes I may lay there and cry and scream but eventually the dirt becomes uncomfortable.
Eventually I must find a stream to wash in.

My hike is an overnight, backpacking trip. There are several summits. And several ups and downs. And if the way My life ends is on that hike, then at least I was smiling while out of breath and pushing on.

I’m here begging you to stay
To come back
To reach out to me
To get my messages back
So I could see if you did try
But they’re gone
Kik erased them all
Did I reach out a day too late?
When did it actually happen?
With your friend there?
Were you alone?
Where are you now?
I do not believe in a heaven or hell.
I do not recognize a God or Goddess.
I do believe in energy and balance.
But the scales have tipped and fallen over the ledge.
The weight is heavy.
And the carrier becoming weak, fatigued, and done.
How do you tell someone you’re suicidal?
But you actually aren’t.
You tried 3 times in high school.
And failed  
So you took it as a sign to stay. If you messed it up that many times then you can’t leave.
I saved an ex, I saved my sister, and I saved a roomate. I’m not sure how many others.
I lost a boy in my program at school and one I was an orientation leader for. Someone I should have noticed before they left.
Then I became infatuated and lost him. It’s almost been a year. I remember texting a year ago. I remember not being able to wait and see you. I remember promising I’d leave my bf. I remember your lips and touch and your eyes. I remember you say how Soul made you reevaluate your life. And I thought that was for the best. Maybe it was and you just had a moment of weakness. Either way here I am.
Losing anyone at all is a loss
So no matter how many more I save
I’ll still have lost too many