I will caress my soul
With loving words
And grace
I will give her my love
And kiss every inch
Whispering to her
“You are beautiful”
I will write it on the inside of her eyelids
“You are enough”
I will anchor it to her feet
“It is okay to stay”
I will hold her hand
And she takes a step
I will tell her she can trust
And love
And give
And
She will stay herself
She will be better
She can join a “we”

I will sing to her in the shower
And beg her to leave bed when she no longer can lay there
I will convince her to do yoga
And eat
And go for a run
I will chase the endorphins for her
I will take care of her
The way I would you
And I will kiss her goodnight
And tell her how proud I am
That she awoke

No matter how great you become
Or how fit
Or successful
It will never change that when you were younger
It was not enough

If I am to live a life
It is one where
I look back and I remember
My fist was in the air,
My voice loud and booming.
I will remember the feeling of wind in my hair and a smile across my face,
A smile deep in my soul.
I will hear the laughter, and joy
The tears and pain.
I will recall the pitter patter of anxiety,
I will feel the ambush of relief,
I will embrace the remnants of a journey long sought after.

I will remember the sound of my boots on dirt
On gravel
On air
On water

I will explain the love of self
And the love of he and I together

And I will have lived a life
A life intrinsic to balance
And goodness
And whole heartedness
I will remember the friends and family
And the good intentions
I will try to remember

the only value all of it has
Is here
And now
And I will know now
The gratitude in every breath
The abundance of bliss
In the opening arms of a stranger

We will have loved and lived and laughed and grieved in this second and infinite more
For that second is all but your life
Nothing to remember
Nothing to romanticize
Here and now
To live or let lost
To give or take
Now
breathe
Now
Kiss
Now
hold
Now
touch
Now live
And
Let go

The sun is shining
And I see two friends taking pictures in front of a beautiful yellow leaved tree
I see a man singing and playing guitar far away
I see a traveler sitting on a bench in peace
I see friends sharing a game
And a young family walking
I hear the birds singing
And the water floating
The leaves bright red and yellow and orange

I feel bliss and connection and freedom and happiness
And peace
And the profound connection almost brings me to tears
And these are the things I stayed here for
These are the moments I live a life for

The sound of leaves crunching beneath my boots
The snow whisking away while we ski side to side
The rain drip dropping into rivers
The sun soaking my heart in bliss

The feeling of a hug from my mom and dad
The smile I see on your face when I greet you
The joy in my sisters eyes who once wanted to end her life
The looks of a healthy and clean brother

A cup of tea
A book
A comfortable outfit on a rainy day
A dance in the kitchen
And kiss that I feel for days

A poem that moves my soul
A sound that brings tears to my eyes
A protest with tangible energy
A moment of peace with the first sip of iced coffee every morning

The sweat dripping down my face and shins and legs and body after I try
The air in my lungs
The feeling of freedom as I find my way on a new trail
The taste of love in my veins
The drive home when I feel what I use to wish for

The connection between you and me and them and they and she and he and her and his
The friends that soothe my soul
The strangers that peak my interest
Chasing the unknown
Feeling the fear creep in
Feeling the rush
Feeling the reward

The smile on my face when I know
When I know you stayed here with me
When I know you found happiness again
When I know you’re choosing to fight