Guidelines
Instructions for how to
Is what I would like
A checklist
A timeline
A conversation
A time ago
I was connected to you
Sexually and emotionally intertwined
A love in a way
No future together but the present moment was one unlike any other
The shared understanding of sadness
The moans and passion and heart
The eyes wandering in the shower
And the jokes had
That we both knew were not jokes
And the heartbreak explained
And the mistakes made
And the opportunities never fulfilled
And the dates never planned
And the being together never happening
And the you no longer being
And the you no longer breathing
And the you no longer seeing
And the you no longer existing

Break Break Break
I found out
I cried
I broke
And I broke up with the original boyfriend
I lived
I worked
I fought
I moved
I graduated
I ******
I slept with
I used
I worked out
I crush here and there
I find someone
Someone I may want something with

And it is weird
It is not the same at all
Maybe it is a stepping stone
Maybe it is nothing at all
A journey to be had

A guideline is what I would like
For how to love again
And trust
And be with
And not be too emotional
For how to be me
With him
For how to be me with him and to not lose you
For how to bring you with me
While I love another

I hold your fingers in my hand,
And I feel the lack of love from yours.

I feel the insecurity in my brain,
The feeling of being loved is now a question,
Not a known factor.

The question I do not like,
I would rather know.
I think it would be worse to know however,
That someone did love you-
But the way they loved,
And how they showed you,
Were never enough.
They could never reach the depth you desire,
They could never satiate your hunger,
They could never connect to all of you.
They could never understand what made you, who you are.
No matter how much they wanted- or maybe their love was simply not great enough.
Maybe they failed themselves as well,
Maybe they felt inadequate and you were too much and they could never make you happy anyways.
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
Is what I will write
Until I know
Either way
The maybe is the issue
In instead
Indeed it is
Is it my indecision
Or is it legitimate concern
A “normal” amount?
Is my desire for attention too much?
Is my *** drive too high?
Is my desire for emotional and intellectual connection unrealistic?
These questions are silly
If it were my sister or friend
Or anyone
I would have yelled to have them leave
But how do you leave when they caress parts of you that you did not know needed or wanted it?
Maybe these are the learning points that tik tok references
Ha
Ha
Ha
How do you leave when this is the beginning

I whisper to you,
To open your legs,
And you obey.

I glide my fingers across your body,
And press my lips to the spaces you’d rather hide.

Our tongues join in a dance,
And I feel your love enter me.

I close my eyes and wish I had my heart turned away,
And I drown in the fear of loving you.

I feel your body against mine,
And I loose the bearing I once had.

Did you fall?
Did you leap?
Did you trip and crash and burn and cry and wail and scream and beg?
Did you hurt yourself?
Did you feel nothing and everything?
Did you make it?
Did you feel a release?
Did you resort to drugs or self harm or sports or straight As or work or peace or hiking or *** or fighting or did you flee?
Did you find the light?
Did you attempt to leave and was forced to come back?
Did you find a reason to stay?
Did you find God?
Did you find the oneness?
Did you find happiness?
Did you discover your identity?
Did you let someone give you a purpose?
Did you give yourself your own purpose?
Your purpose of nothingness?
Did you find a reason to keep breathing?
Did you help someone else find the joy again?
Did you?
Did you?
Did you?
Or didn’t you?

Let me hold your hand,
And escort you to happiness.
Let me bring you to sunshine,
And I’ll hold your laughter safe with mine.

Allow me to look into your eyes,
And share my love for you.
Let me embrace your desire for more,
And fill it with fuel.
Allow your passion to engulf me in its flames,
So that I may melt into you-
So that my ashes may spread across the mountains,
And the river,
And the oceans.

Allow me to caress your insecurities,
And kiss your wounds.
I beg for your permission-
To feel at ease.
To run away and be chased,
To eat your food,
And feel your belly full,
At the same time,
You will feel beautiful.

Take my hand so,
That we may share our dreams.
Take my heart,
So that we may escape the nightmares.
Take my heart,
Is what I wrote.
But it belongs to no one-
Except for you and I.

My hand is your hand,
My heart is your heart,
And my dreams your dreams.
I will love me.
You will love you.    
And we will embrace the unknown- together.

After years of wishing I wasn’t here
After thinking I wouldn’t make it
I’m sitting in my car
Between my workout and the start of the work day
Sipping my iced coffee
And I have found peace
Content
In the questions unanswered
Looking forward to what has not been yet
And reminiscing on what was
Thankful for all that I have
With my hand out to you
I ask you to hold on
Because one day
We will both make it

I thought about you
For a long time
I yearned for the connection
I wanted you
For all that you are
Safe, intelligent, wholesome
A spiritual man
An ambitious and socially conscious and caring man
One with patience and heart
One who made me smile
And want more
One who pushed me
And challenged me
One who made me question what I really want

You were with me and gone
Because I had to walk away
And you chose to inch your way back
And commit
And now we are together
For short or long
For my better judgement or not
My heart was with you the entire time away
So why would I not join again

Smiling, I take your hand
And you support me
And I support you
I feel myself falling
Already fallen really

But I do not want to have babies
Maybe my brain is still a baby
Maybe she is growing and reflecting and in 10 years I will
But you want them sooner rather than later
And I do not know if I even want them

I do not even know if I want to stay in the military
Or what route if I do stay
Or if I need to leave and do van life
And maybe these are all indeed premature worries for a relationship that is still in its own infant stage

These have a way of getting away from me
But here I am
Writing my feelings for you
Thinking of your eyes I could melt into
Your hands I love to hold
Trying to have a healthy relationship
Because you are what I want

Some worries include our varying libidos and appetites and interests
All related to one of my favorite topics
***

Some worries include the children thing
Or maybe the god thing- you love him and I do not acknowledge it’s existence
And these valid worries are significant
Quite important
But they are all the things I love most about you
That I admire
And adore
Your love of children and God and more
Your love of what is right and good and your passion to help

Today you called
And said I had to love you for all that you are
For when you do not want to cuddle or for when you want alone time
And I said oh do not worry and laughed
And maybe you realized and maybe you didn’t
It is because I already find myself in love with all of you