The sound of leaves crunching beneath my boots
The snow whisking away while we ski side to side
The rain drip dropping into rivers
The sun soaking my heart in bliss

The feeling of a hug from my mom and dad
The smile I see on your face when I greet you
The joy in my sisters eyes who once wanted to end her life
The looks of a healthy and clean brother

A cup of tea
A book
A comfortable outfit on a rainy day
A dance in the kitchen
And kiss that I feel for days

A poem that moves my soul
A sound that brings tears to my eyes
A protest with tangible energy
A moment of peace with the first sip of iced coffee every morning

The sweat dripping down my face and shins and legs and body after I try
The air in my lungs
The feeling of freedom as I find my way on a new trail
The taste of love in my veins
The drive home when I feel what I use to wish for

The connection between you and me and them and they and she and he and her and his
The friends that soothe my soul
The strangers that peak my interest
Chasing the unknown
Feeling the fear creep in
Feeling the rush
Feeling the reward

The smile on my face when I know
When I know you stayed here with me
When I know you found happiness again
When I know you’re choosing to fight

Guidelines
Instructions for how to
Is what I would like
A checklist
A timeline
A conversation
A time ago
I was connected to you
Sexually and emotionally intertwined
A love in a way
No future together but the present moment was one unlike any other
The shared understanding of sadness
The moans and passion and heart
The eyes wandering in the shower
And the jokes had
That we both knew were not jokes
And the heartbreak explained
And the mistakes made
And the opportunities never fulfilled
And the dates never planned
And the being together never happening
And the you no longer being
And the you no longer breathing
And the you no longer seeing
And the you no longer existing

Break Break Break
I found out
I cried
I broke
And I broke up with the original boyfriend
I lived
I worked
I fought
I moved
I graduated
I ******
I slept with
I used
I worked out
I crush here and there
I find someone
Someone I may want something with

And it is weird
It is not the same at all
Maybe it is a stepping stone
Maybe it is nothing at all
A journey to be had

A guideline is what I would like
For how to love again
And trust
And be with
And not be too emotional
For how to be me
With him
For how to be me with him and to not lose you
For how to bring you with me
While I love another

I hold your fingers in my hand,
And I feel the lack of love from yours.

I feel the insecurity in my brain,
The feeling of being loved is now a question,
Not a known factor.

The question I do not like,
I would rather know.
I think it would be worse to know however,
That someone did love you-
But the way they loved,
And how they showed you,
Were never enough.
They could never reach the depth you desire,
They could never satiate your hunger,
They could never connect to all of you.
They could never understand what made you, who you are.
No matter how much they wanted- or maybe their love was simply not great enough.
Maybe they failed themselves as well,
Maybe they felt inadequate and you were too much and they could never make you happy anyways.
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
Is what I will write
Until I know
Either way
The maybe is the issue
In instead
Indeed it is
Is it my indecision
Or is it legitimate concern
A “normal” amount?
Is my desire for attention too much?
Is my *** drive too high?
Is my desire for emotional and intellectual connection unrealistic?
These questions are silly
If it were my sister or friend
Or anyone
I would have yelled to have them leave
But how do you leave when they caress parts of you that you did not know needed or wanted it?
Maybe these are the learning points that tik tok references
Ha
Ha
Ha
How do you leave when this is the beginning

I whisper to you,
To open your legs,
And you obey.

I glide my fingers across your body,
And press my lips to the spaces you’d rather hide.

Our tongues join in a dance,
And I feel your love enter me.

I close my eyes and wish I had my heart turned away,
And I drown in the fear of loving you.

I feel your body against mine,
And I loose the bearing I once had.

Did you fall?
Did you leap?
Did you trip and crash and burn and cry and wail and scream and beg?
Did you hurt yourself?
Did you feel nothing and everything?
Did you make it?
Did you feel a release?
Did you resort to drugs or self harm or sports or straight As or work or peace or hiking or *** or fighting or did you flee?
Did you find the light?
Did you attempt to leave and was forced to come back?
Did you find a reason to stay?
Did you find God?
Did you find the oneness?
Did you find happiness?
Did you discover your identity?
Did you let someone give you a purpose?
Did you give yourself your own purpose?
Your purpose of nothingness?
Did you find a reason to keep breathing?
Did you help someone else find the joy again?
Did you?
Did you?
Did you?
Or didn’t you?

Let me hold your hand,
And escort you to happiness.
Let me bring you to sunshine,
And I’ll hold your laughter safe with mine.

Allow me to look into your eyes,
And share my love for you.
Let me embrace your desire for more,
And fill it with fuel.
Allow your passion to engulf me in its flames,
So that I may melt into you-
So that my ashes may spread across the mountains,
And the river,
And the oceans.

Allow me to caress your insecurities,
And kiss your wounds.
I beg for your permission-
To feel at ease.
To run away and be chased,
To eat your food,
And feel your belly full,
At the same time,
You will feel beautiful.

Take my hand so,
That we may share our dreams.
Take my heart,
So that we may escape the nightmares.
Take my heart,
Is what I wrote.
But it belongs to no one-
Except for you and I.

My hand is your hand,
My heart is your heart,
And my dreams your dreams.
I will love me.
You will love you.    
And we will embrace the unknown- together.

After years of wishing I wasn’t here
After thinking I wouldn’t make it
I’m sitting in my car
Between my workout and the start of the work day
Sipping my iced coffee
And I have found peace
Content
In the questions unanswered
Looking forward to what has not been yet
And reminiscing on what was
Thankful for all that I have
With my hand out to you
I ask you to hold on
Because one day
We will both make it