I thought about you
For a long time
I yearned for the connection
I wanted you
For all that you are
Safe, intelligent, wholesome
A spiritual man
An ambitious and socially conscious and caring man
One with patience and heart
One who made me smile
And want more
One who pushed me
And challenged me
One who made me question what I really want

You were with me and gone
Because I had to walk away
And you chose to inch your way back
And commit
And now we are together
For short or long
For my better judgement or not
My heart was with you the entire time away
So why would I not join again

Smiling, I take your hand
And you support me
And I support you
I feel myself falling
Already fallen really

But I do not want to have babies
Maybe my brain is still a baby
Maybe she is growing and reflecting and in 10 years I will
But you want them sooner rather than later
And I do not know if I even want them

I do not even know if I want to stay in the military
Or what route if I do stay
Or if I need to leave and do van life
And maybe these are all indeed premature worries for a relationship that is still in its own infant stage

These have a way of getting away from me
But here I am
Writing my feelings for you
Thinking of your eyes I could melt into
Your hands I love to hold
Trying to have a healthy relationship
Because you are what I want

Some worries include our varying libidos and appetites and interests
All related to one of my favorite topics
***

Some worries include the children thing
Or maybe the god thing- you love him and I do not acknowledge it’s existence
And these valid worries are significant
Quite important
But they are all the things I love most about you
That I admire
And adore
Your love of children and God and more
Your love of what is right and good and your passion to help

Today you called
And said I had to love you for all that you are
For when you do not want to cuddle or for when you want alone time
And I said oh do not worry and laughed
And maybe you realized and maybe you didn’t
It is because I already find myself in love with all of you

She told me to write you a letter
An idea I never thought of  
Because In my brain you are no longer there
Or that’s what I like to think
I don’t think I will ever understand why you were a dad to my brothers and not me
That is what I would think
I’ll never understand why you couldn’t fix yourself
I won’t understand how I could even want you to be better because I have my own dad
I have my dad that was there and chose to be there
So part of me hated myself for wanting something from you
I remember calling you dad once as a gift to you
But last time I saw you
I told you I loved you
And I hugged you
And I left
And cried
Because there is no love there
Why do I lie and be nice to you when you do not deserve anything from me
Why did I feel the need to put your comfort ahead of my own
Why as a grown women is this man who was never there making me cry
Making me cry when very few do
And maybe I have some more issues to deal with now
Because maybe when I saw you at a bar instead of my birthday party with all my friends in the car it was not okay
I thought you chose to not go to my birth but my mom chose to not have you there
And for good reason
I do not forgive you for making me wonder why I was not good enough to love properly when I was young
I do not forgive you for making the little version of me question herself
I do not forgive you for making me now dedicate time to you
For making it awkward between my brothers and I
I do not forgive you for making my mother struggle
I do not feel bad for you
Because you chose addiction over everything
Because you influenced my siblings
I do not forgive you for hurting them or me
But maybe I need to
So that I can be free of you for real
But that is a journey I do not know how to begin
Why I have a need to do so is unknown to me
I have had a dad my whole life
A step dad
But he is my dad
A last name we do not share
But he was the one at my chorus and band concerts
He taught me how to fix things
How to be strong
How to speak up and be comfortable
How to care for others
And how to say ******* to those that needed it
And how to work
And how to ask for help
And so much more
He is my dad
And you are nothing
So why when you ask to hang out on Father’s Day and you yell at me when I say no
It makes me cry
Why when a man has given me nothing
Makes fun of me
I allow him the power to impact my heart
To make me cry

Maybe one day
You’ll be driving home
After a long, hard days of work
And you’ll be listening to a song you love
Vibing as they would say
And you’ll see a rainbow
And you’ll cry
Because here you are
Doing that thing
Making it
When you thought you never would

At the end of the day
In the middle
And in the beginning
It is you who I miss
And you who I want to hold my hand
And eyes that I want to look into
And heart I want to share mine
But if the feeling is not mutual
I will retract
And
I will hide
But
I will still want you

I miss you
Like the tide reaches for the shore
I miss you
Like the sunlight melts a falling snowflake
I miss you
Like the sound of rain on a porch
I miss you
Like the feeling of a hug needed after years without
I miss you
Like the tears that never flew down my cheeks
I miss you
Like the heart that beats a rhythm
I miss you
Like the thrill of an adventure
I miss you
Like the feeling of a job well done
I miss you
Like the acceptance of my reflection in the mirror
I miss you
Like the opportunity to shine
I miss you
Like the words of affirmation my heart desires
I miss you
Like all the chances I gave
I miss you
Like the hand held out waiting for a friend to find it
I miss you
Like the help I didn’t ask for
I miss you
Like the calm to my chaos
Do I miss you?

I want to cry
But I cannot
So I get drunk
And then the tears will flow