I don’t need you but I wanted you.

To be enough
It is an odd feeling
To feel enough
And not be enough for someone
To know that as great as I am
There is nothing that could change their heart
Or maybe there is
A person
A laugh
A breath
A moment
That could have changed their mind
I do not know
But it is evident
It will not be from me
In their own time perhaps
But not now
Not with me
And it is hard to accept that
To be there for myself
To hug myself

I can speak to you
And tell you everything you want to hear
Because it is everything I need
I can make you cry
From the compliments and praise and comfort I give you
Because it is everything I cannot believe for myself
Because I know how it feels to tell yourself the opposite every day all day
Because I am here for you
The way I will always say I am there for myself
But the same way I will continue to fail being there

I’d rather put on a fashion show for you
But if your heart does not mesh with mine
Then it does not deserve to see this smile
It does not deserve to feel this love
It does not begin to match the energy
It does not comfort my soul
The way it should
So I will savor her
I will protect her
Until there is someone worthy
Until someone fools me long enough
Until they turn out to be true
Until I’m me for me
Oh wait that is now
I am okay
I did not lose me
It was not long enough
I am okay
I am here
I am still here for me
And not for
You

I wish you had called me. I wish you were more clear that morning. I wish you had stopped me. I wish you cared as much as I did. I wish I was good enough for you.

It feels like you don’t even care about me. Like you can’t take the 5 seconds out of your day to respond to me. Like you don’t value the amount of joy and connection my lips and eyes give you. And if you can’t appreciate the dedication and time I donate to you then I will not allow you to take advantage of my being. I will not allow you to use me and fulfill your ego. I do not expect the world from you but I also expect more than bare minimum. If you did not want a relationship then why would you do this and that and this and that and over and over and over again. Why would you buy me things for your home and ask me to be yours. I do not understand why you would ask to go on dates, to be exclusive, to take up so much of my time for you to say you do not want a relationship. For you to say you want to be friends. For you to not even call or text me.  Maybe it is the validation I seek or the closure or the unwavering need to feel in control. Maybe it is because I am the one who leaves so that I can avoid this. And all I want is for you to show up and say you’re sorry and explain. I can only hope to avoid tomorrow. I can only hope to not see you. I can only hope for so long. Before I think and know that if he cared he would’ve called by now. If he cared about me the way I care for him he would have done something. Maybe it is my fault for saying I do not want to keep doing the weird in between thing. But it is not my fault. It is not my responsibility to ensure he is there or here or with me. It is his responsibility to want me and to put effort into that. For this has shown me so much more than what a kiss ever could.

You are more than
the fear that holds you back.

You are more than
the sorrow that you carry within.

You are more than
the pain that keeps you away
from yourself.

You are more than
the anger that consumes you.

You are more than
you think you are.