Autumn

Autumn Feb 2021

Untitled

Repeatedly I think
If only I believed in a God
I would be much happier
But I cannot accustom myself to this treachery
No matter the pain I feel
Half believing is not an act I could participate in

Autumn Feb 2021

Him

I have dated a man for over 4 years
Last year we opened it up-only for me
I slept with women, men, both, did some threesomes
Had some fun
I met a Tony
I was infatuated immediately
The ***
The depression
The eyes
The shower
The jokes
The moments

And he is gone
A man I drunkenly texted wishing I could see
A man I drunkenly said I would leave my boyfriend of 4 years for
A man I snuggled and watched soul with
A man I knew saw other people
A man I was rooting for had finally found a girlfriend who cherished him and loved him and was monogamous for him
A man that stopped responding so I thought he had found a girlfriend
The man I found out a month later had overdosed
The man I had texted that entire month waiting for a response
Missing him
Needing him
Wanting him
To find he is gone
After all the signs he left
After all the blatant statements he said
After the suicide prevention training I have literally had
And I couldn’t even save the man I still want today

Autumn Feb 2021

Even if that is a world without you...

Your lips on my lips
They were infused, hot, connected, deep, fulfilling, sensual
Something I hadn’t felt in a long time,
Like I could not get enough of them.

Your body on mine
You inside me
You all around me
Your caress
Your hug
Your energy

You had the ability to drown out the background noise,
the connection to make my depression feel heard and seen and valid.

And now you are gone
And now i am left with the knowledge of what you told me
And the reality of what you did
And the impact of not knowing for sure
And the fact that you overdid it
And the question of the intent

And I am left wondering if you are happy wherever you are or if you are still in pain?
And I am left wondering if there is a way I could be with you?
And I am left fantasizing of a way for no pain for me too?

And I am left missing you
I am left crying every day when I never cried before
I am left knowing I could have done more if I had realized sooner
I am left with myself and a pit in my stomach
I am left in a world with laughter and sunshine and chocolate and freedom and hikes
A world that you are no longer in
But a world that maybe you hadn’t enjoyed in too long
A world I take a trip to once in a while
A world I can hold on for
Even if that is a world without you

Autumn Dec 2020

22 and still sad

My first poem on here is from 2012.
I did not begin writing online until my entire journal was full of sad poems already.
8 years ago, I was already 1-2 years deep in that journal.
did you ever think at 11 or 12 you would still be this sad?
****,
it is really hitting me. I am 22 and time and time again
it gets me.
it comes back for me.
This is what I wonder when you hear of middle aged men and women committing suicide.
Did they make it that far just for it to climb up the walls and drag them down again?

Autumn Dec 2020

quarantine life

I have not had to quarantine this entire pandemic until now
In the beginning I was an essential worker
working 40 hour weeks with my own apartment
Now I am stuck at home
in a non-essential position
quarantining because my bf had Covid.
test and test and test
and how do I not have it?
how do you go from being productive with depression to in a house with nowhere to go, nothing to do depression
So here I sit wondering how others made it through alive?

Autumn Nov 2020

Am I worth it

Life has so many moments-
And I just want you to know that
The laughter and smiles are worth it.
They’re worth the times when you cry in the corner,
Or the times you only crave to hurt yourself.
It’s all worth it.
The wind in your face,
The sun in your eyes,
The view of your happy sister,
The freedom of a jog before you,
The opportunity to just be.
I promise you are worth it.
Just remember that.