What an exhilarating experience life is
What a privilege I have to smile
And laugh
And be free
How the colors twinkle
How the music plays in the bumpy car ride with the one I love sitting next to me
My gratitude is out of this world
And this is why it so sad
When I am
Sitting In the car with the hand of the one I love on my thigh
And I still think
It is okay if I die

He pays me for the night.
He gifts me with a present.
He asks for a show and tell.
He asks for a season and no ***.
He reminds me of whose bed this is.
He reminds me of what we are.
He reminds me of what we are not.
He does not pay me and do I ask?
He will soon have another gift for me.
He asks for a cuddle and sleep night over.
He asks for a kiss.
I am unsure of this new playground.

I am trying to gain discipline but it is proving difficult.
I would just like to lose 20 pounds and keep it off.
Maybe I would feel comfortable in my skin.
Maybe I would stop eating until my stomach hurt.
I enjoy running and working out.
I wish my knee would stop hurting.
I wish I had the discipline to eat healthy and stick to it. But if I cannot eat a perfect day what is the point in trying at all??

Today, I did not work.
My sister came over and I ordered door dash and watched Netflix with her. We did not do homework or classes online.

Yesterday, I went to work.
Yesterday, I ran two miles and showered.
At work, I ate a frozen meal and an orange.
At work, I wore a mask and gloves and had to repeatedly tell my cashiers that wearing their masks was not a choice, but mandatory.

Tomorrow I have off. I will savor this day. I will work out and eat well. I will make sure my sister finds some joy.

Friday I will work. I will be back at the grocery store. I will encounter the rude, the scared, the thankful, and the ignorant.

I will try to protect my cashiers. I will try to protect my customers. I will try to protect myself. I will try.

But when will my government decide to protect me? When will they decide my life is worth more than a two dollar raise?

I will go to work. And I will remember the anger. I will remember my frustration. The people who are working for minimum wage that isn’t even a living wage. The people getting less than a basic wage and putting their lives at risk because otherwise they would face homelessness. The unemployed who are getting more than those putting their lives at risk. The government who has forced millions into unemployment. The college students get kicked out. I get kicked out. Some get checks, I do not get a check. I am still at my grocery store.

And I will try to protect us.

It’s years later
And I still crave it.
It’s a thousand smiles later,
A million victories ago,
And bunch of times overcome.
And I lay here craving it more than anything.
I need it, I want it, please.
Let me grasp the release I miss
Let me climb down
Let me see it
Let me feel it trickle down
Down my legs
Down my back
Let me feel it sting
Let me think of something other than this
Let me release
Please
Let me down