Autumn

Autumn Nov 2019

Untitled

I am trying so hard and it feels like nothing is getting done.
I miss a meeting or sleep through a class and I cannot seem to find the energy to start that book.
I order another pizza on uber eats and I drink coffee after coffee.
I take down the counseling centers information.
I took it down weeks ago.
The imminent failure that seems to be coming makes me paralyzed to preventing it.
I am so frustrated with myself.

Autumn Nov 2019

Untitled

I watched some videos on self-love and trust issues.
I heard the advice but could not infiltrate it into my life.
I know attendance matters in class but I cannot seem to get out of bed.
I know my GPA will determine where I go, I know my PT score is crucial to success.
And here I am laying in bed.
They said to end the cycle, just get out of the downward spiral,
but how do i get out?
And so I am sitting here in bed with 10 minutes before class.
I am trapped

Autumn Jul 2019

When is it enough

When do you stop forgiving disappointment after disappointment?
When is love not enough?
I keep wondering will I turn into a women at old age continuing to be disappointed over and over?
What if im expecting too much or being too needy?
Am I too ambitious?
Should i be with someone of equal goals?
Will i become the bread winner and resent my partner for doing nothing?
Can I depend on him?
When is it enough to leave the love and find someone you can depend on, and feel equal too?
Is the love enough to stay?
What if this version of love is the only version I have known and there is a much better one far out there?
What if this is the best it gets?
What if there is something wrong with me?
When is it enough to let my doubts consume me
When is it enough?

Autumn Jun 2019

Drip drop

It is an interesting trickle,
The people that come in and our of your life.
Those you keep and those you throw away.
Those you lose touch with or those that flee.
Reminiscing on who you once were, becoming who you dreamed of being.
What a thought it is to be in the process.
To dream, succeed, fail, and try again.
Drip, drop,
To remember your fear from years ago and to embrace your laughter of today.
What a trickle life is, flowing and flowing until you're a drop in the ocean once more.

Autumn Mar 2019

Untitled

My heart breaks more and more each day
And it’s like your words have no meaning
Because it takes you so long to respond
And you do not love me the way I need you to
You do not accept my feelings for what they are
Instead I feel guilty
Until I will feel no more for you
And I will find a better someone new

Autumn Mar 2019

Questioning the relationship

I can feel it slipping through my fingers,
The love we once had.
I can feel myself thinking of others more and more.
How long will it take for me to finally be fed up?
The pain I feel from this experience.
That you are too busy or forgot our anniversary.
Even after I said something.
I keep waiting.
For something to change for you to get better for you to impress me.
And I wonder
Will I ever be proud to tell people about you?
I find myself disappointed more often than not.
And I wonder is this how other relationships are?
Am I too scared to be alone?
Am I too scared that I will always be alone?
What if a man with a career and me do not mix?
But that’s something I want.
I want to be proud to say this is my boyfriend and he does this and he makes me feel like the best and only woman in the world.
And that’s simply not the case.
Are my trust issues my issues or soemthing I would have only with you?
I am tired of questioning.