Sometimes I feel like a tree
in the middle of a field
with forests surrounding said field glancing upon anything
but the singular tree
Yet now I feel like I am the bark
and you are the leaves
And we are that one
single
tree
the only eyes I shall ever beg to look upon me
Are the ones that have accompanied my growing core
As you feed into me I support you
And we soak up the sunlight and water and nutrients like no other
Because you and me
We are that
one
Single
Tree

Your eyes glisten like the reflection of the moon within a dark nights pond
Your actions and laughter and simple being send ripples through my heart and soul
my love for you will forever fill said pond until the earth succumbs to one gigantic simple ocean my love you are my heaven and the Loss of you would be an all too quick sentence to hell for me
Because you are it for me
And I can be nothing else without you
You are what makes me me
my love never fear or worry do what was or has to be or may be or could
You are indeed It for me

I spent my days in search of you
Mending broken hearts with a simple thread
Through the looking glass I saw her legs spread
Bending here and there for you
Until the ***** came unscrewed
And the nail was broken in two

Depression is comfortable.
A warm blanket surrounding you in a comfy bed of thoughts.
One after another they won't stop but they're all the same.
I know this I can deal with this.
This pain the release oh I'm used to this.
Oh no, the thoughts are gone I'm free lets go explore.
And they return slowly and quickly but always return.
The warm blanket can no longer stay warm, the comforting death threats are no longer abided by me.
Depression can be comfortable.
It is there for you and everywhere and then suddenly gone and you're you again.
Until you start hating you and the cycle begins and I've you learn to like yourself a tiny bit the comfort recedes.
No longer will depression be comfortable.

My reality is that I am a failure
That I am never good enough my grade are not high enough my brain is not adequate for this world

My athletic ability is not good enough I lift I run I jog I practice over and over and yet I am still benched and middle of the pack

My abilities in the court room have granted me acces to plentiful rewards yet I am still not good enough for Albany

My friendship is solid I aid you in whatever way I can I am there for you I am always there yet you chose the drug and twin over me

My sister was good enough though she suffered from a similar thought process. And I failed to detect the lies she spewed. And I let my little sister to to **** herself because I was to busy with my life because I couldn't tell she lied. My sister is now scared physically and emotionally and I am yet again a failure. But she will be healthy and smile and laugh again whole hearted my some day


My father and mother to busy to really understand what Is going on. My parents I am aware have more important things to take care of yet my hatred and anger grow exponentially.

My thesis of apparent disappointment is near it's closing.


My hair the color has changed my body has become more toned my personality ever so bright under the sunshine of the class. But no no no I do not understand how can the sun shine when the horrors of her interpreted reality are a film repaying? Oh boy how shall she shine when the darkness invades again when she cannot avoid facts of todays news report?

She stands and waits and holds a breath and puts a foot infront of the other and slowly walks away from herself.

The doors are locked
My shutters closed
Beneath the ground I lay
Hiding away
From the terror and calamity
This defense is quite flawed
Here I lay in the field
As the wind blows above and grass itches at my sides
My eyes are open
My mind is quiet as I ignore the recollection of what I mean
Of who I am
Of why I am this way
And
I ignore it all
Breath they whispered
And so I did.

for those nights when i shattered at my wrists  
looking up at apathetic skies
blinding sunshine moonshine
stars matching the layout of
the cones in my pupils


i remember the tears pooling at the corners of my eyes
as i looked down and up
clutching my wrist
digging my nails into deeper impressions and
grooves left by knives past
biting the inside of my cheek hard enough
and the days when i used my hair
to hide my eyes


and dodged around people
unable to bear
with putting on a face
strong face happy face getting-through-life faces
those days


i felt barely human
for those days


i remember impressions left on my feet and my hands
as i stared holes into them
through the blur of tears on my eyes
i felt the clench of my heart and my stomach
and i remember digging my nails into my guts
trying to hold myself together
and the struggle of remaining upright


trying to not crumple into a ball
into as tight a space i could manage
under tables beds metal frames
left dusty with spider webs and mis-
disuse over ages of forgetting
for reasons better known to those others


for those days
when i could barely look into someone's eyes
and acknowledge myself as a person
or a human or a thing or a creature
and i felt like a whisp on the
shadows and springs of death and blankness


those days
when all i felt was the grave the tombstone
of my body
as i carted it around
the world and the whole world
leaned in but i leaned out
i leaned out and
and my spine was not strong enough to carry this tombstone
but my shoulders were
so my shoulders hunched and my spine broke
and i carted it around anyway


those days when
everyone
came back in dreams and nightmares
of worlds falling apart
and people lying dead in ditches
people killing themselves in hidden roofs
where i had once resided
and i recalled a
a particular
peculiar impression
of orange smoky skies
with menacing black jets over my head and i thought
i thought
and i believed-
"This world has come to die"


and that wasn't even the scary part
the scary part was when i
i stood and opened my arms wide
laughed and said:
"i've been waiting"
i remember those nights
i remember those moments
and my stomach crumbles
my eyes cannot handle their weight anymore
my spine shatters
my shoulders overflow
my wrist shatters
and i


i look up at the blinding
sunshine moonshine
and i open my eyes wider
and laugh laugh laugh