for those nights when i shattered at my wrists  
looking up at apathetic skies
blinding sunshine moonshine
stars matching the layout of
the cones in my pupils


i remember the tears pooling at the corners of my eyes
as i looked down and up
clutching my wrist
digging my nails into deeper impressions and
grooves left by knives past
biting the inside of my cheek hard enough
and the days when i used my hair
to hide my eyes


and dodged around people
unable to bear
with putting on a face
strong face happy face getting-through-life faces
those days


i felt barely human
for those days


i remember impressions left on my feet and my hands
as i stared holes into them
through the blur of tears on my eyes
i felt the clench of my heart and my stomach
and i remember digging my nails into my guts
trying to hold myself together
and the struggle of remaining upright


trying to not crumple into a ball
into as tight a space i could manage
under tables beds metal frames
left dusty with spider webs and mis-
disuse over ages of forgetting
for reasons better known to those others


for those days
when i could barely look into someone's eyes
and acknowledge myself as a person
or a human or a thing or a creature
and i felt like a whisp on the
shadows and springs of death and blankness


those days
when all i felt was the grave the tombstone
of my body
as i carted it around
the world and the whole world
leaned in but i leaned out
i leaned out and
and my spine was not strong enough to carry this tombstone
but my shoulders were
so my shoulders hunched and my spine broke
and i carted it around anyway


those days when
everyone
came back in dreams and nightmares
of worlds falling apart
and people lying dead in ditches
people killing themselves in hidden roofs
where i had once resided
and i recalled a
a particular
peculiar impression
of orange smoky skies
with menacing black jets over my head and i thought
i thought
and i believed-
"This world has come to die"


and that wasn't even the scary part
the scary part was when i
i stood and opened my arms wide
laughed and said:
"i've been waiting"
i remember those nights
i remember those moments
and my stomach crumbles
my eyes cannot handle their weight anymore
my spine shatters
my shoulders overflow
my wrist shatters
and i


i look up at the blinding
sunshine moonshine
and i open my eyes wider
and laugh laugh laugh

She took a nap and chose to leave for a little bit
She smoked and smoked and drank until she was fuzzy
She kissed and kissed so her head wouldn't be so loud
She let him inside so she could feel
She use to cut over and over and feels the burn
She wishes to throw up over and over and over because for once my stomach will feel empty
Oh no the my slips out this she is me
I attempt to escape
And in turn the tears they fell when I drank
And now I kiss and laugh as intoxication becomes hallucination
One step further I let myself feel the ache and burn of my muscles I don't deserve ice or pain medicine
I cannot escape these tendencies to hurt myself to punish myself
And maybe this is why I'm fascinated with him
The senior in college who's not over his ex
My poison is allowing myself to be used by others
I cannot even use myself to my advantage
I cannot use my thoughts
My best
Is not good enough for me

You tell me to be thin
You tell me to like a masculine boy that's strong and ****
You tell me to need to him
You tell me to cook and clean for him
You tell me to beseech him
You tell me to work out yet not to much
You tell me to be what he wants
The media, created by no one else but us,
Is you telling yourself to slowly **** yourself
Would you tell your little girl she isn't skinny enough? Would you tell 8 year old you that she's not smart or beautiful?
We sit and whine about needing to appease men, being unequal, not "pretty" enough or "skinny" enough
Yet we keep buying the magazines, watching the tv, feeding into the
Parasite known as the MEDIA
in order to change we must change our culture and our values
We must respect
Not only others but ourselves
Escape the hands reaching out to strangle you
Don't allow yourself to tie the noose around your neck
Defy the media
Define you

I went to the garage to throw up and came out with a glass of water and a box to store my waste
I wish I had thrown up everything all that was me
But nothing came up but a wee little bit
Our adventure set off and to the shed we went only to be disappointed by the crude lawn mower
Once more the travels we set off on to the couch it is
Where he shows me a trick to alleviate my nauseous head
My legs spread for him and I cannot control the yes daddy slipping from my ***** ****** lips at the time
21 and **** with the tats he was everything I wanted and so the game began where his **** ****** my ******* tight *****
Age is just a number I'm 17 ******* it a responsible one at that with a job and friends and good grades and a future and here I am wishing I was good enough for this man
But I was
And he was cute and funny and sweet and
Gone
And this 17 year old sits waiting wondering what the **** do I do when I want but do not need and what the **** do I do when he may not want me
But baby I'm a jumper and the fall is scary but
Am I strong enough to crawl out of that hole again?
Am o stupid enough to chance it?
Will this even effect me as much as I'm playing into it?
I may not even like him when it comes down to it
But ****
I want to **** again
And I want to be loved
But these are indeed not the same thing my first time guy

Baby close your eyes and don't wake up
Close those eyes and stay away I'll plug your ears and
Down in the water you shall
Lay
Baby hold my hand and squeeze
It's almost all gone the water is still filling you up
In and In and in it goes
Swirling into your lungs
Baby let go
close your eyes
Down in the depths you shall remain safe
My lord if I shall take a breath I shall sin and thus breathing is my trip to hell
I grace upon her the chance to stay pure
Down in the depths of water
Solid sound and free

She cries tears of mother's ruin
"Look at me!
It's been so hard
All of my life
And I've had to fight
For my own patch of light
Still, no-one ever looks at me"

He turns his eyes to the floor
Saying nothing
Feeling stupid
And his words burst like bubbles in his mouth
He is desperate to say something
Anything to make her happy
But he cannot turn disappointment
Back into youthful optimism
Or bitterness back to hope
As she sinks into smeary sobs
Wet and bleary loss
He takes her home

He undresses her and puts her to bed
Then he holds her as she cries
And he holds her as she sleeps
He hushes her when she stirs
And calms her when she starts and cries out
When the dreams become too real
And he shall never be more than this
Never more fulfilled
Caring for her is his only purpose
Making her happy is his holy grail
Willingly trapped within her pain
He is nothing else at all

                               By Phil Roberts