And they said I make other people's day
And in my head all I could think was
"Because why would I ever want anyone to feel the way I do"

I don't know what to do anymore. And as this repeats in my head I can't help but remember all the times I cried that exact phrase
How many times I repeated it in my head as I watched my blood pool or as I shoved a handful of pills in my mouth or as I puked 5 gallons of water up
But I don't know what to do with these feelings with this pressure with the future im determined to have with the reoccurring visitor of mine that drags me down
And I don't know what to do with this broken little heart of mine
And this broken little brain of mine
And this broken little view that you have of your society
And this little hand that keeps jumping up to grasp mine
But I cannot tell if he wants to fly me up or pull me down
Because
I
Do
Not
Know
And neither do any of you

And what do I do when my father is suicidal
My mother having back surgery, secretly hating the way her life turned out
My brother at college and asking for my advice about his gf cheating on him that he was about to get an apartment with
A biological dad that won't leave me alone but I can't get over the mistakes he has made over and over
Brothers hours away that I love and never see
A little sister in a place similar to where I use to be
But oh so different
A little sister who has an older one to come to and ask why do I feel this way?
A sister who now has someone to know that I ******* CARE ABOUT YOU to know that SHE IS NOT ALONE and a little sister who had a big sister to take her blades away to hold her when she cries to tell her to start a journal write every little thing in it and one thing you love about yourself or one thing you will do in the future
A little sister who I gave hope to
A little sister that I see much of myself in but in so many different ways
A little sister that I would never allow to feel the rejection from her parents
A little sister who came to me and told me she wants to **** people
She fantasized about it and she doesn't know what's wrong
And a little sister who cuts herself
But one that I would no longer let that happen to
A little sister that has broken me down and made me cry for hours
A little sister that has filled my youth with jealousy and a little sister that is as spiteful as my mother
But a little sister that I would protect no matter how many times she ruined me.

Try to help everyone,
But I'm the one who's losing..

The failing use of my right arm,
Isn't actually the failing use of my right arm.
It's just a way of keeping time.
And time is ticking.

He says he loves me.
He swears on his life that he loves me.

But love, I've come to understand,
Isn't warm like I'm told.
Love is a trap.
A greedy monster preying on my hope
And feasting on my unanswered prayers.
It's take and don't think to give back.
It's pushing until I have nothing left.
Nothing left of even my own.
Love is never looking in the mirror again,
Because you're disgusted with what he has made you into.

Long sleeves and high collars,
No plans on a Friday night,
Warning looks and cold eyes,
Bruised ribs and shattered breaths
Hands above my head and legs pinned under him.
But, still, he swears he loves me.

The failing use of my heart,
Isn't actually the failing use of my heart.
It's just a way of keeping time.
*And my time is up.

Shall I close my eyes tonight
The flowers enter mourning
I dreamt of tears flying from birds
And goats fleeing the pen

As I close my eyes tonight
I seek out the nightmares
Fright does not blind the eyes of forbidden anguish

As I close my eyes tonight i
Am you
And you are infinite in the reflection of every pond ocean lake mirror
For as my eyes close the reality is found
And the sun steps out from behind the cloud

I miss singing at the top of my lungs and swinging, feeling as if i was a bird.
I was free there in that moment.
I miss making mud pies and collecting bugs with my cousin.
I miss bike rides around the same old block everyday.
I miss the passion in my actions.
I miss dressing up in a floppy hat skirt and shirt that didn't quite cover my flubby belly at the time and feeling like I was a model, feeling like I was the bomb dot com.
I miss making mud slides and the tire swing.
I miss the play fights and gun games and simply watching video games as my brothers wouldn't let me play.
I miss feeling comfortable with the man who's ***** led to my life.
I miss the ignorance my childhood Had kept me safe in.
I miss being able to hug him, without cringing.
And I miss being able to remember my thoughts.
I miss my life before anything had ever happened.
I miss when my mommy would ask has anyone touched you down there? And I could honestly say no.
I do not miss the lies I told everyday
I do not miss the feeling of never being able to open up.
I won't miss the feeling of being a mistake.
Nor will I miss the feeling of being a failure.
I will not miss the feeling of disgust  over my own body.
I will not miss the jealousy my step father had with my sister she was his blood.
I will not miss my mothers favoritism over Her first boy.
I will not miss the memories that I cannot access.
I will not miss the echo of words that should never have been uttered to a child.
I will not miss the unknowing monster in my mind feeding myself ideas of what happened the snippets floating away.
I will miss the feeling of a smile, the affection accepted from a loved one.
But it won't matter will it i won't have the choice what I remember or miss I won't be here at all.
What will you miss?