But that night
When we stayed up until 3
Talking about nothing
And everything
And the state of the universes
Inside of our hearts
Changed me

When you told me
You were proud of me
And that I was strong
I wanted to become those words
I wanted to live them
To embody them
And to prove you right

Every day I am trying
I struggle
Because my road has so many rocks
And holes
And there are ghosts of
People and memories that
Want me to fail

Then I recall your words and
I know
That someone has faith in
Who I am
And who I could be
And knows my heart when
I don’t know it myself

And that’s the power in my
Heart and
Legs and
Lungs and
Soul
That moves me past each hurdle
And on my stumbling way

I dreamt about you
And oh!
How it hurt.
My heart could barely
Pump
When I finally woke up
And realized that
It missed you
More than I could ever speak.
You were clear as day,
Not at all hazy.
I remembered so much,
So quickly,
I felt my body couldn't contain it.
But worst of all
Was the acute sense of betrayal
I felt when I woke up.
It was as if my mind couldn't bear
To remember you
That clearly
For much longer
So forced me from my sleep
To remind me to
Be present
And move on.

But I still miss you.

If a thought is worth a penny
Let me buy yours today
So I shall  see
So very clearly
Whether you are anything like
What your deep thoughts are
on the outside

Your silence thoughts
May speak a volume
Let me be your voice
Let the whole world know
Who you really are
On the inside...

I am willing to pay
a dollar or a penny for...
A penny for your thought...

Tell me lighthouse, did you shatter your own light, or did it burn out?
did you mean to forget about my world, but highlight someone else's?
more and more ships are coming into your harbor, and I selfishly wish I could roll in like a storm to wash them all away
you aren't supposed to shed light on anyone else, but I'm the one hiding in shadows
and you're not fighting anymore
there are so many regrets
so many things I never told you
so many things I'll never tell you
the wake of this absence is world-shattering, but this is just how things are
and neither of us will change it
tell me lighthouse, are you as dark as I am?

I'll pretend
it doesn't hurt
to say your name,
and I will hide behind
subtle feelings
that I am too ashamed
to voice past my
bedroom mirror
at 4am with sleepy eyes.

I am not nostalgic
for the sloppy kisses or
the first time you held my hand,
but the trips to
waffle house in the late afternoon,
and high school football games
when the cold air left
our lips numb.

It all comes back
to the, "I miss you"
that is trapped
behind my teeth.

-k.w//things i'll never say out loud