I’ve never been called the beautiful one

One look at me

I’m out of their mind

Away from their sight

Even with ladylike and gentle gestures

I remain in the darkness

Nothing special

Easily forgotten

I’ve been taught

By people’s actions and words

The one thing I lack

I try to make up for in personality

But experience has taught me well

Really, it is simple

Without beauty life is difficult

Your eyes were key holes, I never really tried to pick the lock
All I did was peer through to see what was inside of you,
and this was always more than enough.
I imagine I see you every time I leave my house
When my mind plays these tricks she also fills my lungs with ice water
and lights a match underneath my palms
But I haven't seen my reflection in your eyes since the night you made me cry
and yet I still feel your strong arms pulling me towards you
while your breath on my forehead whispers goodbye
My tears still revisit the same trail they took
On the night when all I could do was look into your eyes and cry.

it's this passion, baby
passion gets old
it gets tired and
i, i, i feel tired. the lights are beginning to blur out of focus. i haven't felt much like myself lately. oh dear, where've i wandered off to again?

please. please take this squishy heart out of my soft chest.
i am so tired of its incessant beating. i try telling it to calm down and it never really listens. stupid thing.
please oh please take this anxious brain out of my heavy head.
i am exhausted from the way it tears me down. tears me to shreds. makes me cry.
everything inside me is against me.

if i could wish for one thing
it would be to stop feeling
for just one second.
i am so tired of feeling every little thing. every silent second.
every tick of the clock. empathy is not what i signed up for. get it out get it out

but when i feel everything i want numbness and when i'm numb i want to feel it all and i am never content with my lot and i think far too much and yes yes i have already thought that out and yes it ended badly for me it always does and yes i have thought about that too and yes it ended with me on the floor and won't you just turn my ******* brain off won't you just make it stop i don't want to feel any more i am so tired of feeling everything i need to make it all stop i just want to be numb to it all i don't want to feel i don't want to feel and i feel like a child

and what do i feel before i fall asleep?
all the what ifs and could've beens that drive me to insanity.

When I was younger,
as our lips met
I was so eager
to free you
          from your fabric bonds
I was in such a hurry
to liberate you
         from the oppressive clothing
that was strangling your body
                inhibiting your beauty
                hiding the soft curves of your skin
I treated our time together
like a small child would treat a Christmas gift,
Greedily tearing away at the wrapping paper
to retrieve the object of his desire.

Unaware that anticipation can be just as rewarding
as the reward itself

My priorities have shifted
          I've learned

Let me just lay next to you
admire you as you bite your lip
   enticing a kiss.

    Just a small one

Let me run my hand down your arm
as my fingers find yours and
   i n t e r t w i n e

Let me watch as your eyes follow mine
into the place where no words
need be spoken

I want to listen to your heartbeat
                   There's no need to rush this.

I want to get lost with you in this moment

                 Just for a bit

Before we're lost in the passion of the night

Why am I always bereft of the thing that I seek the most?
I always seek a willing soul
A soul who would entreat my own
And I the same
I, the slave of my nerves
A slave to the pulsations of my skin
The very thing I’ve always hated
I want hate
I want to hate myself
I want inspiration
That comes from the hate that flows
So freely from my finger tips
So beautiful a thing that passes by
So ignorant of what I could say
What I could appeal to
What drunken emotions accentuated
By the feelings of night
My pointless words
My sickened intellect
What I perceive as truth and the right way
I’m sorry to everyone
All those with the displeasure
Of hearing my obtuse
Faked heart, faked mind
I’m sorry
But I’m not authentic
I’m a replica
I’m not genuine
I’m a thing so pinioned around
The thought of ***
It clouds everything else
I want this false notion of love
I want a distraction
Something that keeps me away
From the emptiness of existence
I don’t want to face it alone
There has to be someone who thinks my skin worthy
There has to be an individual
I didn’t trick
Someone with
The very fantasy of love within them
Someone as foolish as me
With fake blood pulsating through their heart
Like me
Someone with the raw, acknowledged beat of lust
Flowing through those impermanent veins
Like the worthlessness
Extending from every extremity
Nothing is right
There is no light
Goodness has gone beyond me
Genuine Morality
Only the flame of passion
Ebbs in my matter
Not that story
Not that fantasy
Only a lie
One I can’t even abuse
Everyone is gone
I feel like life
Is but staring into a mirror:
Nothingness
Abstraction
Distance
Let this failure,
This over interpretation of a life
Die in the obscurity
Of the night Time
Good night all
Enjoy your lives
If only I could distract myself
From the awful reality
Like you
I want to be like you
Where life has meaning
Like action has sway
I am nothing
And never will be.
If only love could find me.

To the boys who never loved me,
but pretended they did,
if only for a night.
To the boys who never loved me,
and used my body as a surrogate for the voids in their heart
left by others
or by themselves,
I am sorry.

To the boys who never loved me,
but our nights of passion left memories so sweet,
not in your heart or in the palm of your hand
but right on the tip of your ****
where you remember the way it felt
with your fingers in my hair
and my breath on your thigh.
I am sorry.

To the boys who never loved me,
but claimed they did
or told me lies
to get beneath my fabric,
where disappointed they found,
that I was not the long term answer to their insecurities,
only a nighttime siren,
plagued with sadness
that made you slowly back away
when you got deeper than skin,
I am sorry.

To the boys who never loved me,
I am sorry.
I am sorry that I could not be her,
the one you thought you had forgotten,
I am sorry that I could not fix you,
and I'm sorry that you could not fix me.
I am sorry for the nights of *******
where we tried so hard to make love,
and instead we drowned in our own self pity,
and made resentment instead,
I am sorry.

I am sorry for the promises I broke to you,
and the promises you broke to me
all stemming from the fact that too often
we think intimacy will bring us together
when it has only ripped us apart,
I am sorry.
I am sorry you could not find yourself in me,
or that you found too much of yourself in me,
I am sorry that I was not enough,
I'm sorry for the things I have done to you,
and the things you have done to me.


To the boys who never loved me,
I am sorry.