You are my everything
I love you
You are my everything
I can’t think
Without thinking about you
To you
I am a friend
But
I love you
Do you love me?

You held me
We laid in your bed
The tv played in the background
I rested my head on your shoulder
Your lips inched closer to my cheek
I raised mine to meet yours
We sat there
You held me
like nothing had happened
But it had

There’s a mystery behind these words
“Tomorrow, can we talk?”
Do they wish to tell me secrets
Or do they just want to tell me
Once again
“I got head”
Do they wish to tell me that they’re not happy
Something I’ve known for weeks now
Tomorrow I’ll find out
But the mystery of the words lives on

Love
Followed by regret

Never again will I walk those halls
Trying to bypass the large groups of students
So that I’m not late for class

Never again will I see Mr. Edwards
Attempting to teach a new set of words every day
Before teaching us professional video production

Never again will I walk into the Middle College office
Just to play a game
Or help solve people’s problems
While skipping the one class I have to take

I won’t get those moments again
And I didn’t know the last time would be the last

If I did
I would’ve walked slower
I would’ve listened closer
I would’ve thought harder
I would’ve helped more

I have a quote for every situation
From friendship to love
From enemies to hate
But now I see
There is no quote for heartbreak
I try to use someone else’s words
Because mine don’t feel right
But I reach out
And there aren’t any words
My security blanket made of
“As you wish”
“This is our time down here”
Of bears beets and Battlestar Galactica
Of movies, books, podcasts, shows
Even of lyrics
There are none to describe me

“Send me love
I need it”
I don’t ask for much
Just for you to be there when I need you
And you all left me
To fall into the abyss—
A place I’ve dragged each of you from
Without being asked—
I thought I could expect the same from you
I guess I was dumb enough to believe

I tell people I have a normal life
What I mean is
I don’t go to parties, I never sneak out
I don’t just leave without saying goodbye
Then I look at some of my friends
I see their version of “normal”

Every night is another night of getting high
Sitting in moonlit parks until the sun starts to rise
I see groups I don’t belong in
Crawling out from under bridges
Running from rats that infest the playgrounds
And I wonder, how much did I miss?

16 years
It took me 16 years to find someone
It took me 16 years to live
It took me 16 years to ******* belong
And just like that
It all disappeared

I look at others and their “normal” lives
And I wonder
Why wasn’t that me?

This post is nothing cute
No poetic devices or drawn out lines
I just need a hug and have nobody to ask but you

You were the best friend I had over the last three years
We had our ups and downs
But you didn’t walk away when my arrogance, narcissism, naïveté blinded me
Instead you waited until I healed
Had said the awful things I needed
And had moved on before you let me apologize
There’s nothing left to say but this:
Live your life
And I’ll be there to catch you should you fall

I have nothing to do now
Everyday the same
Wake up at noon
Eat
Play video games
Eat again
Play some more
Sleep at 4 am

When will I  be allowed back outside
Allowed to speak face to face
With someone I’m not related to?
I’ve done all I can here
I’ve grown bored indoors
All I want is to leave

Give me something to do
So I have something to write

...

















But the silence says everything

I want a moment
Where I can say to someone
— anyone who deserves it
“Of all the people, in all the gin joints in all the world... and they walk into mine”
Because that’s setup for an amazing story

I feel vagrant
Passing through this world on my way to nowhere
Of the world, but not in it

I feel invisible
Passing through busses, trains, hallways
Yelling out ideas and opinions
But nobody hears them
My stories echo through the crowded halls
Mixing with the cacophony of nothingness

I feel empty
Devoid of anything but ache and stress
I’ve given all I had already
Yet my life is just beginning
So I pick up the scraps left behind
Hoping to salvage enough to make a whole feeling
But the pieces don’t fit
So I leave them where they were

I feel like I was born of the Earth
But I’m not here
And I’m not sure if I ever will again

On behalf of all men
We’re sorry
We’re sorry that we lie
When telling the truth would be better
We’re sorry that we demand
When simply asking would be easier
We’re sorry that we are *******
When simply talking about our problems is healthier
On behalf of all men
We’re sorry that we are complete idiots
But that’s because
We need you to help us be smarter

Once again mistaken for a woman
This time worse than before
She thought I could be her’s but she doesn’t like me
I’m sorry for how far it went
I didn’t realize before then
You thought I was someone else
But perhaps I knew all along and just wanted someone else to talk to

Today I saw friends I haven’t seen in months
Getting our caps and gowns
A day long awaited
But now that it’s here I wish I could go back

Today we spent hours breaking “quarantine”
I talked to people I barely know
And we hugged as we realized that it would be the last chance
We walked up through the blooming roses
Sat at a gazebo and you smoked
I thought it was intoxicating enough just to see you

Today may be the last time we see each other
And today is the memory I wanted
One where cliques and bad relationships didn’t get in the way of us spending time together
Class of 2020 relaxing in the shade
Sun beating down on the trees around the park

We rejoiced that we were done
We were graduates
We were family

We celebrated all the fire alarms
The teachers
The students
The dumb classes we were forced to take
We celebrated it all

We may not have had a ceremony
But we could still celebrate together

JHS Class of 2020
While we may not have loved every moment
Every moment made us
And for that I thank you

Close your eyes
One last time
Breathe in
One last time
Feel the air
One last time
Smell the aromas
One last time
Hear the rush of blood
One last time
Think about your life
One last time

Who am I?
What am I doing?
I’m drifting this way and that on the river of life
Being pushed along by peers, teachers, family
But where am I going?
I find myself moving swiftly
To a waterfall
At the bottom many jagged rocks
Each of them labeled
Depression
Loneliness  
Bitterness
Anxiety
But I can’t steer away
Fore my enemies have taken my paddles
Broken the rudder
And left me helpless
My only choices
Abandon ship
Or wait and hope for someone to save me
So I sit and wait
But nobody comes
Nobody’s here to help me
And it’s too late
The boat of my conscience starts twirling
I near the edge of the water
And hope the bottom isn’t as close—
As dangerous— as it seems

”So this is odd,
A painful realization,
That all has gone wrong”
It starts when I put on my headphones
Every time
Sane songs
Each word carrying a message
Straight into me
“I’m missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we have to speak”
Every word striking a realization
That I had to avoid the people I loved the most
Her, and her, and her
But not him
“I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us”
I’ve apologized
She’s accepted
But we no longer have the energy we did
Devoted to each other
Empty looks are shared
“Cause you’re gone, I get nothing
And you’re off with barely a sigh
I never said “Goodbye””
And you left
I don’t blame you one bit
I wouldn’t want to have been around me either
Yelling out the falsehoods I was told
I was wrong
“Waiting here with hopes
The phone will ring
And I’m thinking awful things”
Mostly what caused me to hurt
Those reasons of *******
The man who ran
“The martyr is meaningless “
I think we all know why
I think we all know who
But still I say
“”I hope that you’re happy,
You really deserve it,
This will be best for us both in the end””
Because I don’t know what else to say
“Please send me anything
But signals that are mixed”
I miss you
But don’t know if you miss me
“These are the places I’ve come to fear the most”
The ones where we would see each other
Have to talk
Be civil
Because I don’t know you anymore
I used to tell you
“Take this bitter pill,
This medicine
Hope you swallow, choke, and die”
The music ends,
Instinctively
I reach up
Tap play
And move on

It’s all I feel anymore
I no longer feel happy
I no longer enjoy the moments I did a few weeks ago
It all lands in an empty void
Souring memories
Taking ahold of me
I try to escape it
But I claw at the walls of the abyss
My fingers grow ******
My legs grow weak
Until I lie there
Crying for release from the hole I dug
People tried to save me before
Tried to get me to put down the shovel
Tried to get me to climb out while I still could
But here I am
Alone
In the dark
Wishing for anyone to help me
But everyone already left

Here’s the thing
The largest pandemic
Is panic
When media take big stories
And don’t give facts
“CoVID-19 will **** you through money”
**** that, your money’s safe
“Deadlier than the flu”
Yeah, but we know what the flu is

People are panicking
“We’re all gonna die”
Calm down,
Most deaths are from those already sick
Or our elders
The immunocompromised

Bottom line:
If you’re healthy, you will live
But don’t just take my word for it
Do your research
Learn for yourself
And yes, wash your hands
But you should’ve been doing that anyway

I need to stop watching people’s stories
It’s all the same
Party here, party there
Nothing I was invited to
Even if I know everyone there
Here I am at home on my Saturday night
Same as last week
Same as next week

You know me
Here I am wanting love
And here I am telling them no
And I don’t know why
Except that I do
The people I reject are friends
People that I have brought close to me
People that I can’t stand to lose
I know that if we date, there will be an end
And then you disappear
And we leave each other wishing nothing had happened between us

Optomists dream
Create the plane
The tallest towers
Pessimists nightmare
Create the parachute
The safety regulations
Which are you?

I just saw a photograph of you
It brought back all the good feelings
The ones of safety
The ones of happiness
The ones I had when we would sit together
With my lips lying upon yours
It also brought sorrow
I miss us
I know that we’re warring now
But I’m sorry
I know that you want to **** me
But I just want to hear your voice
I want to see your face
I want to feel your hand in mine
I want to be together again
We were amazing together
But
It’s probably best
If we don’t speak again

It’s been a while
How have you been?
Has it really been 5 months since I’ve picked up my pen?
So much has happened in so little time
But the world stands still as I sit here in pain
We live we laugh and all I want is the love
But that’s all I used to write
My life
My laugh
My loves
Now I sit here wondering who the **** I was
Is it too late to go back, and put down the pen I used
Can I go back and stop myself from telling what I’ve been through?

I haven’t heard from you in more than a week
And not that we talked everyday
But we did talk often so...
Are you okay?
Please...
Both Damon and I are worried
Let us know that you’re alive...

I thought friends would cure the poison in my veins
Instead they seemed to leach it from my body
Taking it in themselves
Until it changes them
And the poison returns
Ready for me to introduce new victims
All I can hope for is that one carries a cure

My life is wrecked
I asked her out
She said
I value our friendship
I listen to music
To sedate my pain
I hear a beat
An open to a song
“Ba dun da da
Bun da da duh
DA dun dun dun”
The lyrics come on
“I would say I’m sorry
If I thought that it would
Change your mind”
It’s one of heartbreak
Swallowing your feelings
“‘Cause boys
Don’t cry”

Ndndkdjdnebybd
My xbdjjd brain jdjdjejdhgi
Is dikejrj just diduuwba a jxjdbej
Mess fijdndidien of ueuqkndigifn randomness
Xijebsuxbenn but dujeb I’m fkdjebxu jxjdb
Told zihehdn someone dndih will xjdjebu make kfifj
It kdkej clearer ifuwhsy euhebek someday
Kfifjejdu until ududbe then
Dyhe jdjdjdii pay dudj no mind furjbwjs to
My jfuby yshsbdram rambling

“Too many questions” Aughra said
She can’t answer mine
But I may be able to answer yours
Ask away

I’m rambling
Because I need to
But I can’t ramble with those I normally would
So I will with you
But who said you want to read my rambles?
Who said that what I’m going through is more important— important enough to be read?
Why am I writing this? Will it be— is it what I need— what I feel I need to be accepted— heard— just to be?
What am I doing this for? I was told it was nice to just write
But all it reveals is more pain
Scratching old woulds open
So I sit “bleeding out”
And I can’t stop it
What am I doing this for? ******* it
What is the ******* point?
Why the **** is this **** happening? WHAT THE ****
All I can do is sit as my ******* life falls apart
But it’s not just about me
I know I need to be about me every once in a while but how can I
I feel like I’m not worth it to be worked up over
But here I am
******* anxious because I didn’t care about myself enough
****
I miss last year when none of this **** happened
When all I had to ******* worry about was whether my parents would find out why I was skipping chemistry
Even though I ******* aced that class
Not showing up for a month
And I still aced that final
******* it... no... just stop talking about that
Nobody ******* cares
Nobody cares
And I’m alone— I FEEL alone
People are here for me
People are there... but I can’t... tell them ****
I need someone here
I need my person to be here. In my room. And we could just talk and talk and talk
I need human connection
I’m need people
Xudhdhujsdjeudj!
Dudnxumeisjdksojdidujddudud!
Rudhdrjxensj­dinrjxudnenisnzm!
God ******* **** it why can’t **** just get fixed!
Why aren’t I happy?
why aren’t i happy?

I’ve become removed from reality
Lost in worlds where monsters roam free
Some slain and some caught and enslaved
Some worlds where magic destroys the world
But regardless
I’m losing my grip on reality
The outside world fading from view
And soon it will be too late to come back
Shame
I kinda liked it here

I don’t have many regrets
But my biggest one
Is saying no to you

Same routine everyday
1) see the world try to free itself from tyranny
2) scroll through countless apps
3) actually get out of bed at 12:00
4) watch Netflix while playing Scrabble
5) eat
6) play video games
7) eat
8) water/ mow lawn and garden
9) scroll through social media until 3 AM
10) sleep and repeat

“Baby shoes for sale
Free
Never worn”
- Ernest Hemmingway

“Register for school
August 16th”
August 16th...
Then the drama begins
My ex best friend and I will see each other
For the first time since she started dating Him
Most of my friends —
My group— are gone
Off to college
Off to bigger and better things
The ones who are left all know
They’ve defended me
They’ve battled for me
Or they’ve turned
Stood by their side
Who is still my friend?
And who do I need to avoid?
August 16th, we’ll find out

Science says
“You need 9 or more hours of sleep a night
To stay healthy,
Refreshed,
Happy,
And acute”

School says
“**** it! Start at 8:00 AM!
Run for 7 hours!
Give ‘em another 3 hours of homework a class!
They can take it!
Who needs sleep?
Who needs friends?”

We say
“**** it! Who needs sleep? Who needs homework?
We need to be experiencing life!
We need to figure out who we are!
Figure out what we want to do with our lives!
We need to explore our minds!
We need to find out how to deal with emotions!
We need to know how to be mentally stable
And how to prepare for life!”

School says
“*******!
You’ll learn how to be depressed,
Sleep deprived,
Automatons!
You’ll learn how Shakespeare wrote great plays!
You won’t read any though,
You’ll be too busy solving math you’ll never use!
No time for that though!
You’ll need to know in life that atoms have rings
These rings have electr—
What’s that?
Oh! Time to learn how to buy a home!
Just kidding! Taxes? Ha! Won’t need ‘em!
Here, take a test on things you didn’t learn!
You failed?
That means you ****!”

We moan, groan, complaining about how we have no time
“We want sleep!
We want lives!
We want to see the world!”

“Well *******!”

We judge ourselves by the likes that we get
By a digital heart that lights up
We judge if we're liked by whether other people
Click of a ******* button

People want to know why we hate ourselves
Why when we don't have our stories seen by that one person
we think that we're worthless
And it's because we want to be liked
No,
We need to be liked
We need to be told that it doesn't matter who we are
It doesn't matter what we do
We need to be told that you will always be with us

We judge our self worth not by the things we've accomplished
But by the failures we've had
Because we're told from day one that people will remember them
And sure we're told that it's part of the learning process
But we know it's *******

We judge ourselves by how others act
And we see all the wonderful things that they do
We see the perfect world that people live in,
Full of vacations, pretty pictures, and date nights around the fire
But we never see the lows that people have
So we think that they never failed
And we think that when we fail, we can never recover

We judge our self worth by the click of a button
By the failures we've had, but never the accomplishments
By the vacation photos that others post
by the words that we hear
by the actions that you take

We never judge our self worth by what we think of ourselves
But by what you think of us

A chill flows through your veins
A smell bitterer than cigarette smoke
A taste sourer than a thousand lemons
A deep black and red that blinds your vision
That hard “t” at the end lingering in your ears
A monster that forms at the slightest dissatisfaction
The slightest opportunity missed
Beating you until two more take its place

I stare at the shards on the ground
The dulled blue, green, and red sinking into the spreading coffee
I stare as my finger bleeds

I remember when I found it
At the warehouse sale for a discontinued show
I saw it and new it had to be mine
That was many years ago
Since I used it every chance I get

My favorite mug
Brown with blue green and red squares
Circling around the rim
The handle fit my hand perfectly
The cup just large enough for a morning coffee

I stare at the pieces on the ground
“Same”
I whisper

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

“Make a wish on a shooting star
And it’ll take it beyond the horizon”
I only wish I wasn’t alone

You don’t want to read the long ones
You want the gist
You’re tired of hearing me *****
You want affirmation
Well here it is
Short, sweet, and to the ******* point

Sick enough that I can’t talk
I want to sleep
I can’t stay home
I have to go to school
Even with my throat on fire
My head pounding a steady beat
My nose on the edge of sneezing
How much is enough to stay home?

Yeah I get your texts
No I don’t respond
Yeah I want to tell you to go fück yourself
No I don’t forget you
But you know why?
Because I don’t want to forget you
I want to remember when you held me in your arms
I want to remember when you kissed me
I want to remember just sitting in your car with you when I should’ve been in class
I want to remember the look on your face when you laughed at my dumb jokes
Yeah I know you’re never going to be mine
No I don’t give a fück
Yeah you’re right I have fücking problems
But you know what, so do you
You say it’s creepy that I still write about you?
It’s creepy that you bother keeping tabs on me
It’s creepy that every time I do something related to you, you send me 10 texts saying I’m creepy and disturbing and that I have fücking problems
You told me to let you go, well this is how I’m dealing with my shït
By doing what I fücking do
By writing out how I feel because I have nobody to talk about it with
Because this is how I fücking deal
So yeah, 8 more fücking days
Then I never want to fücking hear from you again
8 more fücking days
Then I never have to worry about running into you and her
8 more fücking days
Then you’re gone

A room full of people
Will never make me feel welcome
No matter who they are
What they’re doing
I’m always out of place

I stand at the back of the room
Desperately clinging to the one person I know
But they find someone else
And there I am
Alone in a sea of faces

So I sit down on the empty couch
Sitting and watching chaos unfold around me
People wandering in and out
Sitting down and making polite conversation
But their posture says it all
They don’t want to talk to me
They just wanted to sit
But there I was

So I sit
And wait for someone to leave
For someone to walk out that door
Making it okay to walk out
And be in the silence
Where I can wander freely
Without having to speak to anyone but myself
While cars whoosh past and city lights flicker
Blocking out the beauty of the sky

Goodbye to a wonderful person
Who’s voice inspired us to learn
A comforting presence in many homes
You will be missed