You’ve seen me through so many things
And now you can ask me anything
Flip through the poems
The questions you’ve had will finally be answered
Ask me
And I’ll tell you the truth

We were apart for too long, you and I
I have no idea what caused that separation
But it’s fixed now
And I can finally write again
I held do many words behind my teeth
Rather than saying them to you
By losing all of you
I lost a piece of myself
Every morning when I awake
I do four things
1: check Snapchat
2: check my email
3: check to see what you said
4: double check to make sure I heard you
I lost myself without you all
You tether me
Without you — all of you— I would float away
Away from sanity
Away from reason

The last thing I wrote was so many words
Because each line marks me
Speaks of what I felt over the last months
But I’m moving on
Not forgetting,
Rising, learning, moving
Doing stupid things
I just did something really stupid
And immediately I wish I could take it back
****
And so there I go,
A tether snapped
So I start floating
Until someone can pull me back down

The most unexpected person
Reached out
Told me things I needed to hear
That someone is here for me
Someone who knows me
Who understands me
Who knows how to cheer me up
He gathers the pieces and tries to place them in the right spots
He tried
He failed
I am still broken
Still incomplete
One piece missing
A void he tries to fill with his heart
But it just doesn't fit
I love him, but not in the same way
I love The Other, and only they can truly fix me

What happens
When your go to venterater
Needs to be venterated?
Who do they talk to
When all they know
Is how to listen?
Who can talk?

It’s all we want out of life
We don’t want to have to worry
“Did I do this right?”
“Do they actually like me?”
“Did I do all of my work?”
We want to be able to sit and relax
We want life to be simple
That way
We can stop giving a ****

Because if I do
I’ll fall apart
And I want to be strong
For whenever you need a shoulder

They say that if you need to know about love
Ask a poet
They’re supposed to know all about it
But how can I know everything
About something
That I’ve only experienced once?

What do you do when you confess your soul
When you tell them that for five years
When you see them your mind goes blank
Save the thoughts of holding them
Your eyes focus on their lips as they speak
Wondering what they would be like on yours
For five years you wanted them -warts and all
And they just want to be friends

I just told her
We were standing in the kitchen
Light shining through the big window in the living room
Boxes still piled on our table from the move
She just stood there, stirring the mac n cheese

“When did... when did you know?”
The question I expected
But I still didn’t have an answer
“I just knew”
My voice quivered as she turned to face me
My sister’s kind eyes growing softer
“How... has anything happened?”
I told her everything
About Kiera, Jaben, Anna
I told her about things I had never said aloud

When I finished talking she stood silently
“Who else knows?”
“Nobody”
She poured the pasta into bowls
Dug out utensils from the cluttered kitchen drawer and started eating
We moved on
The room silent, save for the light clinking of spoons on ceramic

“Did I tell you about who I’m dating?”
She asked, grasping for something to talk about
“No, you didn’t”
And we went on
Like I had never said anything at all

I hadn’t spoken in days
I was home alone
And nobody called
When I parted my lips to cry out
They slowly stuck, cracked and dry
I gathered the shards of the mug from the floor
Sticking my wounded finger in my mouth
Searching for a bandage
Dragging the coffee across the floor with every step

They say the pen is mightier than the sword
But even stronger is your tongue
With just your voice you can ruin a life
With just your voice you can declare freedom
With just your voice you can tell your feelings
With just your voice you can save someone
With just your voice you can create
With just your voice you can destroy
Let’s see a pen do that

All the songs of my relationship with you all come on while I’m writing something to you. All it does is fuel my writing

Stan Lee
Comic book savior
Real life hero
The immortal man

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But your words drove me to use them

Everyday is the same
Sleep, skip meals, snap, sleep, repeat
Everyday I’m in the same loop
And I need
To break free

Stupid *******
Why do you always check
Every ******* day
Reload, reload reload
As if someone liked what you wrote weeks ago
Checking your ******* email as if you get something
Something other than scams and junk mail
You’re a stupid ******* why would anyone want to talk to you
Scrolling through your phone like it’s gonna make **** better
You’re gonna find the ******* perfect thing
******* *******
There’s nothing that will make you better there
Go out and meet people, but you’re too timid
You ******* *******
They’re all talking about you
They all ******* hate you and why shouldn’t they?
You’re a ******* ******* who can’t shut up
That’s why you’re ******* alone
Not because you’re friends wanted to start their lives
Because they wanted to get away from you
******* *******
That’s all you’ll ever be
******* stuck here doing the same ******* thing
“It’s just a year” that’s a ******* lie
You’re not gonna leave
You’re never going to do anything
You are and always will be a ******* *******
Oh and now you think people want to read this?
You think people want to hear the ******* things that go on in your mind?
You’re not ******* important enough for them to care
You’re just a *******
That’s all you’ll ever be

I need a success story
Just one
One person who came out to their parents
Or their aunt and uncle
Grandparents
Whoever
I just want one
It’ll help me feel better
Help me tell my parents
Tell my sister
Tell my family
So, I just want one success
Please help me gain confidence
Courage to tell them

We met under the pretense it would be you and me
I walk up, and there’s someone with you
“Atticus, this is Jamie”
I’m sorry, I didn’t know that you meant two
You and your girlfriend
I know you wanted me to meet her
But still you could have told me
That way I would know and it wouldn’t be as rude to go away
When she reached down
Giving you a ******* ******* under the table
But there I am
Awkwardly sitting
Watching everything but the two of you
As you try to connect us
Join another into our inside jokes
I wanted to get up and ask
“Is there a table for third wheels?”

A date
**** me
Either way
I stopped caring a long time ago

It’s so easy to talk to a screen
To write little poems and complain about ****
Because we don’t know who’s listening
And nobody knows who’s talking

They won’t leave my eyes
No matter how much I want them to
I want them to streak my cracked cheeks
So that I can forget the sorrow that caused them
I want to forget why I need to cry
But no tears appear
No matter how hard I will them
So I sit here
Wishing I could cry

They sit in my eyes
Blurring my vision
But they never fall
They never turn into sparkles in the wind
They just sit there
While I wish I could cry

“Every body is a temple”
Something that gets said often
But my temple is old
Moss grows on the windows
And weathered steps lead to oaken doors
Laying off their hinges

With the right care,
The right exercise,
The dilapidated temple that is my body
Can grow stronger once again

Thank you to all who have helped me grow
Thank you to all who have given me struggle
Thank you to all who have believed in me
When I didn’t believe in myself
Thank you for giving me strength
Thank you for showing me my mistakes
Thank you for yelling at me
Thank you everyone I ever knew
For teaching me about a piece of myself
I may not have even known was there
And to most of those I’ve fought with,
I’m sorry
To most of those who wronged me,
It’s okay

Thank you to all of you
I’m sorry to most of you
And I am trying to move on
To become someone new
Because I don’t like where I have ended up
Let’s find out where my road leads

At midnight my mind switches
From me
To honesty
I drop the facade and reveal myself
I give out the truth
No sugarcoat
Just the bitter truth
And the truth is: I don’t care

We’ve all had that one dream
The one that mixes together all your thoughts
All your regrets
All your impulses
And makes a movie from it
Your own private “what if”

Just imagine, if you will,
Me
Just me
On walks a disaster
On walks problems
On walks impulses mixed with memories and regret
Putting on an awkward show
Mixing friends with ***
Mixing bullies and bigots with weapons aimed for your insecurities
All tied together in a neat little show

I remember this vividly
More so than any dream I’ve ever had
I smelt the clean park air,
I heard the squawks of birds overhead
Felt their heat on my skin
Saw the light filtering through the trees
Saw them
Felt them
Heard them

People have these dreams with hopes they come true
With hopes they can live out the scenes of content
People say they will
That dreams are glimpses of the future
I don’t believe it though
At least, not this one dream

I was that person
The one who didn’t belong to a group
To nerdy to be cool,
To cool to be a nerd,
To smart to hang with the *******,
To lazy to study with the studiers

It took me 16 years to find a group,
At least larger than the handful of friends I made here and there,
But they were all seniors
Quickly they gathered their things and left
And once again, I was alone

It took me 16 ******* years to be happy
It took me 16 ******* years of crying myself to sleep,
Because I didn’t know who to call my people
It took me 16 ******* years to belong
But only two weeks for it to fall apart

I was always that person
Who didn’t belong
The puzzle piece to a different set,
The plate that was replaced,
The socks that ruin the outfit
And now I’m here
Wishing I fit in

Everyday he passes by her door
Never gaining the courage to knock
The name on the mailbox-
C. Angeles-
Left him with a smile
But everyday when he passed, he saw her
Long hair billowing,
Smile intoxicating,
Eyes laughing
He realized he never had a chance

Everyday the same boy walked past her gate
Jet black hair,
Eyes the color of the sea,
Lips like a rose
Notes he dropped named him J. Lawrs
Everyday when he stopped
She waived, but he never saw

He sits alone in the living room
Flipping through books from his childhood
And sees her
Angeles
He used to pass by her everyday
Thought she was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen
A scrap from a newspaper falls out
It rests on his shoe
“Christin Angeles- Dead at 29 from accident”
A note scrawled beneath
“Next time, don’t wait.”

His wife enters the room
Looking over his shoulder she says
“Who was that?”
“Someone I wished I’d talked to”

Every adult does it
Some major event happens
“Oh you don’t need to worry about it!
You’re too young to need to know about this!”

Actually, I do need to know
I need to know **** that affects me
“Govn. To Close Schools 7 Weeks”
7 weeks without school
Stuck in my house
What’s the plan for my education?
How long is my graduation delayed?
Will school be closed for longer?
I need to know this

“Don’t worry about it!”
It’s affecting my life
I need to know what’s happening
I’m smart enough to know
That we aren’t 100% ******, but just how ****** are we?
Don’t brush me off
Inform me
Without knowledge, how am I to survive

The alarm has been sounded
“Abandon ship, before we sink into a sea
Full of broken code
Connection errors
And unusable links”
Yet I say, let us stay
Let us go down with the ship
This ship is one built of words
Many have bonded quickly to each other
A community that will flourish despite a lack of home
We may not have much time left together,
But the time spent will be cherished
We are more than a website,
We are poets
And I say
We go down writing

The flame quivers
A bead of was slowly drips down the side
Onto my waiting hand
I sit there
Finger burning
As the droplet hardens
Becoming slowly more opaque
And I do it again

With each drop I think
What am I doing on this planet?
Who am I going to be?
Why am I here?
Where am I going?
A thousand questions as the flame flickers
Until slowly
Like my spirit
It dies
And darkness closes in

I look left, then right
The signal clicking behind the plastic sheet
I pull out
And look left again
I see it and slam on the brakes
THUMP!

“What the **** is wrong with you?
Do you know how to ******* drive?”
“Yes ma’am. I’m sorry this happened.”
“Back the **** up and give me your information”
So I do
Keeping calm and respectful

“Can I have your phone number?
I can send my insurance to you”
She closes the door and drives off
*****
Dad, call me ASAP
The phone rings
“I was just in an accident. Sending you pictures now.”
“Okay, but are you hurt? What happened?”
I’m fine
I tell him the story
And I break down
“Take your time. Calm down and drive home.
You’re okay, that’s all that matters.”

I sit in my freezing car
Tears and snot flowing down my face
I punch the visor
Crying, I wipe my face
Signal,
And drive off

The night is dark
Lit only by the stars and a single streetlight
A short stout man stumbles down the deserted road
He stops under the light and puts a cigarette to his lips
He takes a long drag, enjoying the silence
“Got a light?”
The man turns to a figure beyond the light’s reach
He steps forward, arm outstretched
The flickering flame reveals a woman
Beautiful, long dark hair shuffling in a light breeze
“You found me,” she says plainly, “so what do you want?”
The man stops to think
“I want... someone” he finally says
Smoke billows from her nose “Someone? You came all this way, for ‘someone?’
You know the cost?”
He nods
The woman sighs, exhaling smoke
When the cloud clears she’s gone
The man goes home
Someone is waiting

How is it
That my day is ending
With less people around
Than there were at the beginning?

Yet another problem solved
Yet another ******* solution given
Yet another friend helped
Any other problems?
I may be 17,
But what the hell, I’ll take a shot

Today was the first time in 9 years
I didn’t think about school
Count down on my fingers how long until I had to go back
Today was the first day I wished I could
Just to say a proper goodbye

We got robbed of many things this year
Celebrations of milestones
Excitedly telling friends and teachers “I GOT IN!” or “I GOT THE SCHOLARSHIP!”
Walking through the halls as our classmates cheered us on
Walking across the stage as hundreds congratulated you at the same time
The final moment when you could say goodbye to all the people you know you’ll never see again

Today was the first time I wished I hadn’t rushed off everyday
Who would have thought I’d miss the musty halls
The chatter of students in the halls during tests
The constant ringing of fire alarms
And the safe feeling of a community behind you

Today was the first time I looked at my diploma
And thought about how much I would give
For just one day more with all of them
People come and go, I know
But these people were more than classmates
We were a family

Today was the first time
But it won’t be the last

A purple house sits on the corner
A tree grows from the back yard
A grey trimmed porch wraps around
The bright golden mailbox full of mail
A deep blue door like a portal to the stars
The driveway where her car sits with popped tires
She approaches the house
The steps still cracked from where he fell
As the police tackled him
She opens the door still scratched from
When he had came at her with the
So she threw the lamp
Walking around she runs her hands along the walls
Where he pinned her while she tried to run
The couch in the middle of the room
Still soaked with blood where she clawed him
Tears streaming down her face
Down the hallway
Where holes in the wall marked where he tried to stab her
To the bedroom where he tried to smother her
For the pain had grown too much

In the late hours of the night
The sky dark and cloudy
Lit only by a thin slice of moon
Rain taps against my window

I open it, inviting the intoxicating aroma of fresh fallen rain
As I sit there listening to the tapping
My brain begins to churn out thoughts
Ruining an otherwise perfect moment

The wind rustles the 100 year old tree in my yard
And all I can think of is all I’ve done wrong
A faint rustle of wind and rain hitting the pine needles
and I hear whispers of memories of people I’ve wronged
Until I realize that it’s all in my head

In the late hours of the night I think and remember
But all I need to do is move on

Here it is, the oh so important letter
The white paper marked with the district seal
I unfold the trifolded letter inside, hands shaking
Dear Atticus Wilson,
We wish to offer congratulations,
Though you miss many milestones,
We are happy to announce that you will graduate this year.
Congratulations,
Stay safe.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath in
That’s it — the farewell I get
I’m done with high school,
And am ready to move on with my life

I found them today
Written in a notebook surrounded by math
Two letters
Four pages
5 post scripts
9 reasons, each starting with “*******”
I never sent them as I promised
But today I read them
And I cried
I cried for my stupidity
For the time lost
And for the pain I morphed into rage before
Out of that rage I got nothing but more pain
Out of that pain I got these letters
Seeping with insults
Seeping with “how could you”s
Seeping with anger
Asking him if “your sadistic goals were filled”
And asking her “how could you play with my emotions?”
Something that never happened,
But was whispered in my ear
Two letters
I promised to send them
I told you both to “check your mailbox
In about a week
There should be a letter”
But I never sent it
And I’m glad I didn’t

They make me happy
And they don’t have a clue
They make me wish I was with them
That I could be held by them
Even if I knew it wouldn’t last

My whole life I’ve been a piece to a different puzzle
I’ve been the extra piece
Found in the bottom of the box
A piece from a different set wanting so desperately to belong
So I cut pieces from myself
Warped and mangled who I am so I fit into spots left vacant by lost pieces
But those pieces get found
So I have to leave the place I called home
Surrounded by people I called friends
But the wounds never heal
So warped and mangled I move on
Hoping I belong somewhere
Hoping I’m not just a piece destined to be forgotten when dropped on the floor
To be forever lost and alone
Warped and mangled I wait
Hoping for my true home
But I may not fit anymore

She’s best friend just moved
She said she has no friends left
She quickly said
“I have no friends to talk with”
She still revised
“I have no friends
To talk about boys with”
Have I not helped her
Get through her breakup
Helped her
Push away the ex
Have I not heard
Every
Single
Problem
Do I not know
Every embarrassing story
Her family
Has she not invited me
Alone
To her house
To “watch TV”
Where really we talked about
Her relationships
Her want to “carelessly flirt”
Her family problems
Did I not treat her better
Did I not put myself out
Did I not go all in
Just to get rejected
Just to hear about more problems
Am I not a friend
She has talked girl talk with
Even if I’m a guy
If I’m not a friend
Who am I?

Why am I the one you come to?
Why am I the one who gets asked?
Why am I the relationship man?

I’ve only ever been in one
(and we all know how it ended — in petty poems and petty texts)
But I’m the one you ask advice
On a thing I never got working right

Rule 1: you do not talk about fight club
Rule 2: you do not talk about fight club
Rule 3: someone yells stop...
Someone goes limp
Or taps out... you stop
Rule 4: fights will go on as long as they have to
Rule 5: one fight at a time
Rule 6: no shirt, no shoes
Rule 7: two men to a fight
Rule 8: If this is your first time at fight club, you have to fight

A soul is a gateway to our true intentions
Usually clear, bright, reflecting what we feel
But pain warps it
Blurring the window
Dimming the light
Absorbing the suffering of those around
To cleanse it
We write
We draw the darkness from inside
Using the pain as the ink
The suffering as the pen
The honesty as the paper
Until we can see light again

For 9 years
It’s sat on my desk,
Through a move,
Through winters with windows open
For 9 years,
sitting, watching

Tonight I take it down
Remember the girl who made it
Way back in 3rd grade
I unfold it
For the first time
Scribbled in the wings
She had scrawled a note

I have a crush on you

Nine years,
This declaration has sat on my desk
Watching me
Letting me look back to better times
All the while
Telling me she liked me
On the wings of a sticky note crane