I’ll say it
I miss him
I miss the way he held me
Close to his chest
I could hear his heart beat
Ba-dum Ba-dum Ba-dum
I thought they were drums of love
I felt safe when he held me
And stroked my arm
I felt like time stood still
I miss his lips
So soft
So firm
I miss his tongue
As it wrestled it’s way into my mouth
I miss his smile
His mischievous look
As we gazed into eachother’s eyes
At the end of every kiss
I would give everything
To be with him for one more day

I know I said no more about him
But just this once,

I miss my back against his chest
His arms pulling me close
His head resting on mine,
Something I usually hate,
but never cared about with him,
I miss feeling his breaths
In... out... in... out...
Mine matching his
In... out... in... out...
Feeling his heartbeat
Ba-dum ba-dum
His hand resting on my chest, feeling mine
Bad-dum ba-dum
I miss the safety
The loss of time as we laid in his bed
Doing nothing more than laying there
Enjoying the warmth we shared
As he held me close
I never wanted it to end...

I miss the feeling
Of being held close
Of holding a hand
Of lips upon mine
Of trying to send the sexiest picture
While keeping my clothes on
I miss the feeling of knowing
That someone out there loves me
The same way that I love them
I miss the feeling
Of having someone there for you
Of laying down with their arms wrapped around me
Of my legs twining around theirs as we laid in each other’s embrace
I miss the feeling
Of being with someone

I’m sorry for—
****. What am I apologizing for?
For being me?
**** that
I’m sorry that you don’t like me
I’m not apologizing for ****
******* for making me feel like it’s my fault for just being me

To those that I have wronged
I’m sorry
For names
For laughs
For mocking
For jokes
I’m sorry
Maybe
If you can forgive me
I can find peace

I missed my friend’s going away party
At least I still think he’s my friend...
It doesn’t matter, not anymore
Because he’s going to Basic Training

Good luck out there
Be strong, be true, don’t forget your roots
And above all, as the last time I saw you
Was most likely the last time I’ll ever see you
Stay well
Stay safe
Don’t forget to use your brain
I’ll miss you

Don’t get me wrong
I love writing poetry
Especially on here
Where poems flow
Where inspiration strikes me
From the work of others
But I need a break
I need to sit
I need to focus
I need to meditate
Give me a few days
Maybe weeks
Maybe all summer
Just to think
I want you all to know though
I love you all
Especially one of you
Reading this right now
I just need a break
So goodbye for now
Check back later
Sayonara
Adiós
пока пока
Bene noche
Goodbye

The ink of my pen is filled and colored
From the well of my soul
Every stroke for every letter
My soul diminishes
Until nothing but light remains

I’m not as innocent as people believe
My friends, my family
Most see me as pure
Incapable of harm, but it’s just a mask

They see me as a straight seventeen year old kid
Who’s never gotten high or drunk
Never had a girlfriend, much less a boyfriend
Someone who’s never stolen
But you all see the real me

They see what I allow them to
Because I can’t be seen as the child who failed
The child who got lost along the way
They see me as innocent
Because I can’t deal with what they might say

We all keep truths
Because it’s easier to lie, hide behind a story,
Than it is to face the reality of our lives

They see me as innocent
But I can assure you,
I’m not

Here I am
For the second time this week
Wishing I could get a good nights sleep

The lights come up
I wish there was really an intermission
A time where I could just sit
Relax
Reflect on what just happened
But life takes no breaks
Just as quickly as they appeared
The light gets snuffed
The curtain rises
And the rest remains to be seen

I want an island
All that’s there is a house
My friends live inside
Every day we toil in the gardens
Working to eat
Working to live
But because we want it

Once a fortnight a boat docks
Bringing some supplies from the mainland
Bringing workers to fix what we cannot
No technology
No need for money
No need to get ahead

We can come and go as we please
But we choose to stay
Not because we’re afraid,
But because it’s nice
We live in peace without worrying

We wouldn’t worry about war
We wouldn’t worry about famine
We could just grow old,
Until we pass
And a new group arrives
Picking up where we left off

I’ve been isolated from the world
Nobody but my family to talk to
And they don’t know **** about me

I need to tell them, I want to tell them
But I’d have nowhere to run if I needed

I’ve been isolated
Keeping to my video games and created worlds
Exploring until the repetition sets in

I need something to do
But there’s nothing around

I’ve been isolated
Kept from my friends and my people
Wishing I could talk face to face

I need to talk to one of them, explain everything
But they ignore my texts, snaps, and dms

I’ve been isolated
Listening to my brain say that I’m not worth ****
With nobody to tell me otherwise

I need an embrace to calm my anxieties
But we’ve been banned from touching

I’ve been isolated
And most people are leaving and hanging out
Meeting with friends like it’s a normal ******* day

I NEED OUT
BUT YOU ******* CAN’T STAY INSIDE
LONG ENOUGH TO LET THE *******
VIRUS DIE

We’ve been isolated
but nobody gives a ****

You said “would you date me and why?”
Using the anonymous app, I said I would
You are beautiful, kind, and smart
We’ve helped each other
We’ve talked through our separate problems
we’ve become friends
I speak no lies
I said I wouldn’t as well
That I was not in a place to date
Emotionally, and physically
I still need time
And that is true as well
For I speak no lies

I’m sad
Just sitting here alone on my bed
No rhyme or reason
It’s just my time
My time to mourn a total stranger
I don’t know who they are
Why they died
If they had anyone or anything
Hell, I don’t even know where they were
All I know is that they needed another person
To mourn

I used to be fun
I wouldn’t complain about life
Just wonder when it would be my turn to be happy
I was fake happy
At least for a short time
I would laugh, cry, make jokes
I had friends
Then I met him
I changed
I didn’t think I had, but I did
And I changed for him

I never used to cut school
But I did it to be with him
We’d drive around
We’d go to the beach
We’d get food
We’d just go — be anywhere but school
I never used to steal
But last week I took expensive things from stores
I never used to smoke
But here I am, waiting for that next high
I changed for him
And I don’t like who I’ve become
I wish I could go back

I changed for him
No matter how much I didn’t think I did
But now
Instead of quotes
I speak original lines
Instead of jokes
I complain about him and her
Instead of being happy
I’m scared
I’m scared of who I am
And of what happened to me

Who am I?

I’ve run out of things to say
Sure I could tell you simple things,
I got into college,
No idea how to pay
But that’s boring

I want to be able to say
“I went to so and so’s party
Where we all got so ******* wasted”
But that’s not me

I want to be able to say
How much all of this helps me
Not just emotionally,
But physically too
Without this
I couldn’t sleep
I would be too hung up on stupid *******
But here I am
About to fall asleep
Wishing I had something to say

Everyone says it gets better
But does it?

We know so much about each other
But we don’t know what the other’s face looks like

So
I hear you’re moving back
I just wanna say one thing
Let’s keep it civil
If we run into each other
No “I hate you”
No “You *******”
No anything
We just pass
Because otherwise
**** gets ugly
Fast
...
...
...
So see ya around, maybe



Oh, and by the way,
Don’t **** with me or my friends
We’ve had enough ******* for a while

This will be my last poem about him
But just in case he reads it,
I have a few final things to say
1) *******. You hurt many people, not just those you dated
2) *******. You tried to get us all to cut out Karol
3) *******. You pinned all the problems you caused on Karol
4) I know that I’ve been talking about you a lot. I know that was a weird thing for me to do (you know what I’m talking about.) but it was to get my final thoughts of you out
5) *******. You cheated on me the first weekend we were together. I was told at my grandmother’s house. These were the texts “we didn't see anything. but we're 86-94% sure that J and L were ******* each other's **** last night. and we're 98% sure that they were making out last night.”
6) *******. Why did you cut me out after the breakup? I know why, but I why couldn’t we just go back to being friends? We had been friends for a short time before, and we only did date for a “not that long” (according to your new girl)
7) *******. You dump me, then go after my friend? Then you expect me to just be happy for you? How delusional were you?
8) *******. You broke up with me over Snapchat. Not even a phone call, or hell even a real text. I could’ve moved on earlier, easier, if you had the ***** to talk to me in person, rather than hide behind a screen.
9) *******
You texted me today. You said that I need to chill out, that you’re moving away. Like I didn’t know that you were leaving. I’ll be happy when you leave. August can’t come soon enough. Soon to be a life without you.
So yeah. ******* *******

We threw our stuff in the back of the car
Backpacks
Jackets
Skateboards
Firewood
I reach for my phone and it’s not there
I left it at the beach site we used
We shut the trunk and climb in
“Where are the keys?”
“Aw, ****”
We dig through pockets and consoles
Nothing
“They’re in the ******* trunk!”
An hour after of trying to pry open the trunk
Of his old mercedes
“What if we open up the panel in the back?”
“What?”
“Yeah, I just noticed it, but it goes to the trunk!”
So I pull out my small knife
Pry open the panel
And we drive to my buried phone

Killmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillm­ekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekill­mekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekil­lmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmeki­llmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmek­illmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillme­killmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillm­ekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekill­mekillmekillmekillmekillme

There’s a practice called kintsugi
Where you take a shattered object
And fill the lines with gold
Leaving marks of past mistakes
Showing how we can all come back
And the beauty that comes out of them
But what if my marks
Just make me more ugly?

They’re all leaving
Going off to college and to work
To live their lives
And I won’t get to say goodbye

Trapped in the Southern parts of town
While they all live in the North
It means I won’t be able to say goodbye
Before they pull up stakes and leave

I won’t be able to to tell them how they changed me
How she made me better
How he made me smile
How they kept me happy
I can’t give them all hugs
With tears streaking my cheeks
And watch them drive off to start life anew

What the ****

I’m me
A 17 year old, bisexual man
Just because I have long hair
Just because I paint my nails
That’s no excuse to tell me
“I think you’re going into the wrong bathroom”
Or ask me
“Are you shopping for your boyfriend?”
When I walk into a store
I’m me
And I don’t care what you believe
Just don’t yell at me about something as trivial as which bathroom I use
Because I’m a man
I’ve known that for 17 years
Just because I’m bi
I’m no less a man

Life is a *****
We start weak
We dedicate our entire life
Achievement is the goal
We grow
We shrink
We end weak
Life is a *****

Everyone else is out there
On these beautiful summer days
And here I am
Inside
Alone
When I get invited out I become the third wheel
When I go out alone
It’s no better than being inside
How do people live life?
How do I do more than sitting at my computer
Playing level after level
Even though I’ve played the game before
How do I do more than laying on my bed
Watching episode after episode
Even though I know all the lines by heart
How do I live life?

A **** fruit awaits
If only you can get past my thorns

Kept in a house
And sure I have a phone
But it can’t help me

We’ve been separated for to long
We’ve lost the fire in our hearts
And replaced it with fury
But that can’t help me

I have a voice that cannot speak
I have a heart that cannot sing
I have a hand that cannot draw
And a brain that cannot think
None of those can help me

We’ve been alone for so long
That we dream of nothing but outside
Yet we fear that we won’t survive
So we just draw the curtains
Blocking out the world

We can’t reconnect quite yet
Though we wish we could
We can’t talk without a cloth in the way
But we need it if we want to stay

We wish we could enter another’s house
We wish we could just talk
But there’s nothing to talk about

Cold breeze chills me to the bone
pitter patter
Pitter patter
The skys grey above
People shuffling about
pitter patter
Pitter patter
A sea of umbrellas
Yet I stand out
pitter patter
Pitter patter
Looking up
And the rain hides my tears
pitter patter
Pitter patter
As they stream down my cheeks

I feel lost in a world I’ve known my whole life
Turning in circles
Watching people navigate twisted intertwined paths
Shoved to new places every time I open my eyes

No time to get my bearings
The waters of adulting flood the maze of life
Sink or swim
I can’t make it
My strength is failing
As I slip under the waves I can only hope I can fight my way back up

No strength left I slowly sink lower
The light from the sky above fading
Sobbing muffled and distorted through water
My breath is running out
And I can’t get out of the water
Which way is up?

I’m drowning and nobody notices
Lost in this maze where I can’t even tell up from down

Will anyone save me in time?

The best thing about needing to wear glasses? The search when you can’t find them

I wasn’t looking until I met you
Looked in your eyes and I was blinded

You fell in love with someone else
You broke it off you joined my group
You joke you cuddle you flirt
You scroll through tinder as you sit on my lap
My heart thumps when you’re near
When I run my hands through your hair
Tell you how great you look when you change your shirt
I want nothing more than to scream

No matter how much I tell myself
“It’s just a crush, you’ll be over it soon”
No matter how many times you joke that
“It’s too bad you aren’t my type”
No matter how many times I see your ex
I want to scream that I love you
I want to hold your head and kiss you
I want to have my love scene

I want to hold you and know
You are mine
And I’m yours
But I’m not your type
So this is all we’ll ever be

I had a cookie today
It said that
Now is the time
To pursue love
My love
She wants a “cuddle buddy”
But doesn’t want me
She wants to “harmlessly flirt”
There’s no such thing
She wants independence
I want her
I want to feel her soft hand in mine
I want to feel her inviting lips
I want to feel her in my embrace
I want to be with her
That cookie said now is the time to act
But is it?
Will she be mine?

Every day I’m reminded where I was in years past
Whether it was at the beach
Scouring the sand for full dollar shells
Or simply sitting with a friend
Skipping the class we all hate
But those days are passed, now just memories waiting to be forgotten

Laying in a dark room with the faint glow of my phone in my hand
Scroll, taptap
Scroll, taptap
Reading memes on Instagram
Switching between the same three apps
Time crawling forward until it’s 4 am
Two hours left before my alarm
Scroll, taptap
Scroll taptap
Such is the curse of the midnight scroller

Here I am at the end
Stuck in a house with only my parents
We can’t go out to celebrate
Two major points in my life

I’m graduating in two weeks
The feeling is unreal
I’m finally done with school
But who would’ve thought I’d be so heartbroken
For years we ***** and moan
Thinking of every excuse not to go
Until the time comes when you’re supposed to walk across the stage
And you want nothing more than to go back

A week later is my birthday
And I’m stuck at home
Without even a friend to come visit

Two milestones
And nobody to share it with

I don’t think I knew
How much I would miss you
Until you left

I always misspell “Write”
And it’s all my teacher’s fault
English was taken with Ms. Wright
Writing 115
Writing 121
A total of 11 essays
20 worksheets
4 poems
All with her name at the top
And now I can’t write wright right
Right?

Nothing to say other than I made a mistake
And no words can fix it,
No words can fix me

Mistakes were made
I was naïve enough to think that I could fix it
That I wouldn't walk around with a weight on my chest

I thought that I could be open
To show my underbelly and that I wouldn't get hurt
That I would be relieved of all the pain I have
But it was only made worse

I made a mistake
And it was to trust that I'd be happy

Tú estás mi todo
Te amo tú
Tú estás mi todo
No puedo pensar
Sin pensar sobre tú
A tú
Yo estoy tu amigo
Pero
Quiero a ser más
Te amo tú
Me amas?

We were more than a school
We were a community
We supported each other
We brought each other back when we were upset
We challenged everyone to think more, think harder

We were more than classmates and teachers
We were family
We cared when someone said they had a problem
We helped when we could
We made each other better, brighter

We were more than students
We were teachers
And I miss it more every minute

Demos I say,
YOU KNOW!

I keep thinking
Is there more to life than this
More that I can do
Here I am 4 months away from graduation
And all I can do is wonder
Is there more to life than this?
Sitting in my parent’s house
Writing ******* that will be read by only a few
Worrying about **** like “what do I need to do?”
Is there more than just hoping I survive each day?
Is there more that I would have done
If I were someone else?
In every class I hear
“Did you see what happened at the party”
Or
“You can stay over right?”
Every story I see party after party
Bowl smoked after bowl
And I wonder
What did I do to be home alone
In bed at 10 o’clock
Is there more than this that I can be
Is there more than this that I can experience
Is there more than this to being alive?

You remember two years ago?
That movie day we planned
The one that quickly changed from day to week to month?
The one we planned to do that summer
Before the dreams
Before the ugliness
When we were just three misfits that fit together
Firedrill karaoke singers
The summer yoga masters
When did it all fall apart?
When did we go our separate ways?
We used to be so close, so why did we drift apart?
What ever happened to our movie day?