What I would give to wake up tomorrow
If tomorrow were back in 2016
The first day of high school
Where I decided who I was going to be
If only I knew what would happen
I would’ve taken more chances
I would’ve done more

What I would give to have a chance to do it again
To sit in those cold plastic chairs at 8 in the morning
It felt like torture
But it really was better than my life now
Cause at least then I had a chance to make myself into something

Honestly I would have done most of it the same
I mean, I would’ve been more social
I would’nt’ve tried so hard to fit in
And I would have been more impulsive
But I would fail in the same classes
Join the same clubs
Go the same places
Because the mistakes made me more than success

What I would give to have a chance to do it again
So that I didn’t become a disappointment

They say the pen is mightier than the sword
But even stronger is your tongue
With just your voice you can ruin a life
With just your voice you can declare freedom
With just your voice you can tell your feelings
With just your voice you can save someone
With just your voice you can create
With just your voice you can destroy
Let’s see a pen do that

This post is nothing cute
No poetic devices or drawn out lines
I just need a hug and have nobody to ask but you

It took me 16 years
To get one to agree to go out with me
When will the next one arrive?
When will I get to hold someone’s hand
Feel someone’s lips upon mine
Hold them close to me
Experience everything with someone new
Someone better
Someone who doesn’t tear groups apart
Someone who actually makes me safe
Someone who cares about me
Someone who won’t break up with me over Snapchat
Who will it be?
How long will it take?

He sits alone at a bar
People swirl around him
The only conversation he has is ordering another
He stands to leave
As he walks to the door the bartender asks
“Same time tomorrow?”
“Yeah Leo. Tomorrow”
His voice heavy with sadness

He drives
Faster and faster
would anyone miss me?
a singular thought passing through
Over and over as streetlights pass above
would anyone miss me?
His foot presses down
He closes his eyes
would anyone miss me?
He lets go of the wheel
As he lays motionless inside the car his journal opens
*would anyone miss me?

Her arms held me as we stood in the parking lot
Wind blowing in our hair
“I missed you so much” she tells me
“Oh you had no idea”
I don’t want to let go
To just stay there talking
Catching up on what I missed
In those three long months apart
Our voices carry across the football field
I finally get to talk to her alone
I finally got my chance to apologize
She and I click again
As we did before
Regret sets in as I realize I missed so much
We hug again
Her hair smells of strawberries as I tell her
Once again “I’m sorry for being an *******”
She gets into her car
Driving away as I stand there
Crying tears of relief
I had no idea how much I missed her

I have a story to tell
But the words don’t sound right in my head
When I think about the story though
Scenes fly by
deep conversations take place
Exploring complex existential ideas
Figuring out who I am through my writing
But there I’m vulnerable
So I tell myself it doesn’t look right
Save myself the pain of finding out who I really am
Of sharing myself with the world
And being rejected by just one person
Because I try my hardest to be liked
Work my personality to the bone
And when people ask me why
I say because I want to be accepted. No. I want to be loved
But I never feel like I’ll get there
So I write those feelings in short little stories
But tell myself they don’t look right
And throw them away
Little parts of myself, discarded like the **** I feel like

Sick enough that I can’t talk
I want to sleep
I can’t stay home
I have to go to school
Even with my throat on fire
My head pounding a steady beat
My nose on the edge of sneezing
How much is enough to stay home?

Yet another problem solved
Yet another ******* solution given
Yet another friend helped
Any other problems?
I may be 17,
But what the hell, I’ll take a shot

Every morning
I follow a routine
The same one I’ve followed for years
Alarm goes off
Get dressed
Walk the dog
Skip breakfast
Grab coffee
Run to catch my bus
Every morning
It’s the same

Everyday he passes by her door
Never gaining the courage to knock
The name on the mailbox-
C. Angeles-
Left him with a smile
But everyday when he passed, he saw her
Long hair billowing,
Smile intoxicating,
Eyes laughing
He realized he never had a chance

Everyday the same boy walked past her gate
Jet black hair,
Eyes the color of the sea,
Lips like a rose
Notes he dropped named him J. Lawrs
Everyday when he stopped
She waived, but he never saw

He sits alone in the living room
Flipping through books from his childhood
And sees her
Angeles
He used to pass by her everyday
Thought she was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen
A scrap from a newspaper falls out
It rests on his shoe
“Christin Angeles- Dead at 29 from accident”
A note scrawled beneath
“Next time, don’t wait.”

His wife enters the room
Looking over his shoulder she says
“Who was that?”
“Someone I wished I’d talked to”

It’s rare
To skip a class
To talk to the teacher after
And have them apologize to you
Sure she wasn’t apologizing because I skipped
But because my relationship shattered
Because I couldn’t deal with people
Because she knew the pain I was going through
It’s rare
For a teacher who’s class you skipped
To apologize to you

We sat and cried tears
Both happy and sad
In the mourning of the one we held dear

If I want her to be mine
Why can’t I ask her
If she says no
What will happen to me
If my heart breaks
Will that be the end
If I can’t ask her
Will I ever know the answer

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

Words claw at the silence of the room

When you look at someone through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags
You are everything that’s wrong with you.
See, we’re not doomed. It doesn’t matter what happened in the past or how we’re remembered. What matters is this moment.
I’m so tired of squinting
Time’s arrow neither stops nor reverses, it merely marches forwards
I have half a mind...
I see you...
A xerox of a xerox
Don’t you see, there is no other side. This is it
Life’s a *****, then you die. But sometimes life’s a *****, and you keep living

Wanna see it again?

Here we are
Another Friday full of parties
And I’m all alone
Sitting on my couch with my phone and my thoughts
And all I can think of is a single question:
Who the **** did I *******?

I see story after story
Post after post
Of people eating drinking and being merry,
People I know
People I thought would invite me to ****
Yet here I am alone
And my thoughts grow darker the more my screen lights up
And all I can wonder is
Why am I alone?

I am utterly and completely alone
No amount of jokes or conversation will change that
I guess some cosmic being said “**** him”
And wandered off
Leaving me to fend off giants of depression
With but a few witty remarks
But it’s too strong
And as it beats me people stand by and watch
Because I’m damaged goods now
And I don’t deserve any ******* help
No matter how much I plead
And I ask over and over
Why won’t you do something?
Why are you just standing there?

The beast holds me down
Pushing me deep into the earth
And people watch from the edge of the crater depression made
As I claw and struggle to free myself from its grasp
And I give up
Because no matter how much I try
How much I beg
What jokes I make
I can’t win alone
And nobody’s there to help

I wanted to be more
I told her how I feel
I thought she’d be happy
I thought she felt the same
Then I see
She says
You’re my best friend
Nothing else
My heart withered
The light of love
Slowly seeped out
Color left me
Pain replaced love
Darkness entered me
Nothing else matters
Those four words
Killed me

Everyone else is out there
On these beautiful summer days
And here I am
Inside
Alone
When I get invited out I become the third wheel
When I go out alone
It’s no better than being inside
How do people live life?
How do I do more than sitting at my computer
Playing level after level
Even though I’ve played the game before
How do I do more than laying on my bed
Watching episode after episode
Even though I know all the lines by heart
How do I live life?

You remember two years ago?
That movie day we planned
The one that quickly changed from day to week to month?
The one we planned to do that summer
Before the dreams
Before the ugliness
When we were just three misfits that fit together
Firedrill karaoke singers
The summer yoga masters
When did it all fall apart?
When did we go our separate ways?
We used to be so close, so why did we drift apart?
What ever happened to our movie day?

We’ve all had that one dream
The one that mixes together all your thoughts
All your regrets
All your impulses
And makes a movie from it
Your own private “what if”

Just imagine, if you will,
Me
Just me
On walks a disaster
On walks problems
On walks impulses mixed with memories and regret
Putting on an awkward show
Mixing friends with ***
Mixing bullies and bigots with weapons aimed for your insecurities
All tied together in a neat little show

I remember this vividly
More so than any dream I’ve ever had
I smelt the clean park air,
I heard the squawks of birds overhead
Felt their heat on my skin
Saw the light filtering through the trees
Saw them
Felt them
Heard them

People have these dreams with hopes they come true
With hopes they can live out the scenes of content
People say they will
That dreams are glimpses of the future
I don’t believe it though
At least, not this one dream

Why am I the one you come to?
Why am I the one who gets asked?
Why am I the relationship man?

I’ve only ever been in one
(and we all know how it ended — in petty poems and petty texts)
But I’m the one you ask advice
On a thing I never got working right

I wish they knew the way I looked at them
I wish they felt the same
I wish it could happen
But I know better
Than to waste my wishes

Those three words were all Grampa said to him
As the classic car glided down the road
Grampa looked over at his 5 year old boy
And motioned for him to sit on his lap
“Spirit’s what you need in this world kid
Otherwise you’ll crumble faster than a paper in the rain”
The kid took the wheel, driving faster and faster

Eleven years later
Grampa gave him a box
“Take good care of her
And remember, keep your spirit”
That night Grampa welcomed the icy grip of death

On his gravestone were the words
Spirit’s all you need to survive, keep it safe
Resting on top were photos
The car driving down the same road
The boy behind the wheel growing into a man

Eleven years later
The man drove to the cemetery
Tears streaming down his face
“She left me, Grampa
And I know I only need spirit
But I need you more
I need you to tell me that it okay
That I don’t need her
I need you to tell me what to do”
He sat there crying over his Grampa’s grave

He drove home
To the house in the middle of nowhere
The house his Grampa built
Sitting empty save a few boxes
He climbed the wooden ladder to his treehouse
He sat with a picture of his kind faced Grampa
Tears streaking his cheeks
He walks over to the chest he kept his toys in when he was a boy
Digging out old cars
Army men
And yo-yos
Till he reached the bottom
His toys surrounding him he noticed something
The chest had a fake board in the bottom

He pulled it up to find a note etched into it
I won’t always be there for you
But know this
It will all be fine in the end
Keep your spirit, for that is all you need
I love you
He climbed out
Got in the classic car
And drove
Hoping someday it would all work out

I just saw a photograph of you
It brought back all the good feelings
The ones of safety
The ones of happiness
The ones I had when we would sit together
With my lips lying upon yours
It also brought sorrow
I miss us
I know that we’re warring now
But I’m sorry
I know that you want to **** me
But I just want to hear your voice
I want to see your face
I want to feel your hand in mine
I want to be together again
We were amazing together
But
It’s probably best
If we don’t speak again

“I’m fine.”
“No you’re not. What’s wrong?”
Said nobody ever

He sat at the bar
She sat next to him
They talked and drank till closing
He asked her back to his place
She declined and took a cab home

The next night he sat at the bar
She walked in
They had a laugh and a drink
He asked her back to his place
She declined and took a cab home

The next night she walked in
And he was gone
She asked if the bartender had seen him
He said “not tonight”
She had a drink and waited
After an hour he hadn’t shown up
She took a cab home
A man was sitting on her porch
A bouquet of roses drooped in his hand

“How did you know where I lived?”
“You took a cab” he explains
“When you told him your address
I wrote it down
Because there’s no way in hell I’ll let you,
The prettiest woman,
Walk away without trying
So here I am,
Dinner?”
He held out his hand
She took it and pulled him inside

”So this is odd,
A painful realization,
That all has gone wrong”
It starts when I put on my headphones
Every time
Sane songs
Each word carrying a message
Straight into me
“I’m missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we have to speak”
Every word striking a realization
That I had to avoid the people I loved the most
Her, and her, and her
But not him
“I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us”
I’ve apologized
She’s accepted
But we no longer have the energy we did
Devoted to each other
Empty looks are shared
“Cause you’re gone, I get nothing
And you’re off with barely a sigh
I never said “Goodbye””
And you left
I don’t blame you one bit
I wouldn’t want to have been around me either
Yelling out the falsehoods I was told
I was wrong
“Waiting here with hopes
The phone will ring
And I’m thinking awful things”
Mostly what caused me to hurt
Those reasons of *******
The man who ran
“The martyr is meaningless “
I think we all know why
I think we all know who
But still I say
“”I hope that you’re happy,
You really deserve it,
This will be best for us both in the end””
Because I don’t know what else to say
“Please send me anything
But signals that are mixed”
I miss you
But don’t know if you miss me
“These are the places I’ve come to fear the most”
The ones where we would see each other
Have to talk
Be civil
Because I don’t know you anymore
I used to tell you
“Take this bitter pill,
This medicine
Hope you swallow, choke, and die”
The music ends,
Instinctively
I reach up
Tap play
And move on

I need to say something
But it can’t be said
Words fail to describe... me
And so I sit in pain
Knowing I’ll never be seen
Warts and all

Life is a *****
We start weak
We dedicate our entire life
Achievement is the goal
We grow
We shrink
We end weak
Life is a *****

I almost caught myself
Asking someone to come and change me
To make me who I’m not
Because I need to be someone else
Then I realized, only 3 more months
Then I can be who I am
Without having to hide it from anyone

Why do you hate us?
We are people, human ******* beings
Just like you, we look for love
Only, we don’t always follow the rules society gave us
Because those rules say that we can’t love
Without love, we wouldn’t be happy

People wonder why depression is worse—
Why suicide is worse—
In the LGBTQ+ community— my community
It’s because people like you tell us we can’t love

Do me a favor, and really try to focus
Imagine one day, you wake up, just like normal
Your crush, partner, fiancé, spouse, whoever
Is gone... only, you can still see them
They sit on a bench across the street
You run outside to get to them
But a wave of people start yelling at you
Telling you to *******
That you’re a *******
That you don’t deserve to live
Because you are in love with them

Do you feel that pain?
That sharp stabbing pain, right in the heart
To be an arms reach away from each other
But never able to touch?
That pain is what I feel
Because I get told
“You ******* f_ggot.
You piece of ******* ****.
******* *******.”
Just for loving the person I do

Next time you want to come up to me
And tell me to go die,
Just remember that pain
Remember what it was like
To be so close, yet so far away

Just remember I’m human too

I know I said no more about him
But just this once,

I miss my back against his chest
His arms pulling me close
His head resting on mine,
Something I usually hate,
but never cared about with him,
I miss feeling his breaths
In... out... in... out...
Mine matching his
In... out... in... out...
Feeling his heartbeat
Ba-dum ba-dum
His hand resting on my chest, feeling mine
Bad-dum ba-dum
I miss the safety
The loss of time as we laid in his bed
Doing nothing more than laying there
Enjoying the warmth we shared
As he held me close
I never wanted it to end...

I lived with my sister for a while
She goes to college
I played video games while she was working
She worked a lot
I met her many roommates- they’re very nice
She has four roommates
I didn’t go to bed until late night
She doesn’t sleep much
I was living at college for a while
My sister invited me

I wake up
Take the dog
Go to school and see my fabulous friends
We talk and work then after I go see my boyfriend
We all spend time together,
Promising we won’t let one another feel alone
I feel bliss as I feel his arms wrap around me
Nuzzling his face in my neck
I go to kiss him,
And I wake up
It was all a dream
And I realize how alone I am

I’ve become removed from reality
Lost in worlds where monsters roam free
Some slain and some caught and enslaved
Some worlds where magic destroys the world
But regardless
I’m losing my grip on reality
The outside world fading from view
And soon it will be too late to come back
Shame
I kinda liked it here

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Mess fijdndidien of ueuqkndigifn randomness
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Told zihehdn someone dndih will xjdjebu make kfifj
It kdkej clearer ifuwhsy euhebek someday
Kfifjejdu until ududbe then
Dyhe jdjdjdii pay dudj no mind furjbwjs to
My jfuby yshsbdram rambling

As if nothing happened
You walk in
Asking to play Monopoly
You’re civil
No longer giving me a look
As if you’re saying with your eyes
“I’ll **** you”
As if nothing happened
You ask me how my summer was
You make idle conversation
You make jokes you made before
Even some at his expense
As if nothing happened
We played our game
No emotion across your face
As you sit next to me
Laughing as we roll a six and a nine
A four and two tens
As if nothing happened
We sit
We laugh
We play

I’ve been isolated from the world
Nobody but my family to talk to
And they don’t know **** about me

I need to tell them, I want to tell them
But I’d have nowhere to run if I needed

I’ve been isolated
Keeping to my video games and created worlds
Exploring until the repetition sets in

I need something to do
But there’s nothing around

I’ve been isolated
Kept from my friends and my people
Wishing I could talk face to face

I need to talk to one of them, explain everything
But they ignore my texts, snaps, and dms

I’ve been isolated
Listening to my brain say that I’m not worth ****
With nobody to tell me otherwise

I need an embrace to calm my anxieties
But we’ve been banned from touching

I’ve been isolated
And most people are leaving and hanging out
Meeting with friends like it’s a normal ******* day

I NEED OUT
BUT YOU ******* CAN’T STAY INSIDE
LONG ENOUGH TO LET THE *******
VIRUS DIE

We’ve been isolated
but nobody gives a ****

It’s four months later
And I still remember that dream
The one where I ****** a friend
While we were in a park in downtown
Because we both needed it

I still remember the words we spoke
The sound of the birds fluttering through trees
The feeling of the cold air breezing through our hair
The taste of his mouth inside mine
I still remember the time of day as we stared into each other’s eyes

I don’t know why I remember
It feels like torment though
To remember so vividly
Just driving my lust

It’s been four months
I still haven’t told him about it
Not because I’m afraid of his reaction
But because he’s happy
And he doesn’t need me to **** his life

I miss the feeling
Of being held close
Of holding a hand
Of lips upon mine
Of trying to send the sexiest picture
While keeping my clothes on
I miss the feeling of knowing
That someone out there loves me
The same way that I love them
I miss the feeling
Of having someone there for you
Of laying down with their arms wrapped around me
Of my legs twining around theirs as we laid in each other’s embrace
I miss the feeling
Of being with someone

It’s 2016 again
I’m in 8th grade
The last time I was truly myself
— Truly happy—

Standing at that desk
Just talking to my old best friend, Nick,
Though he went by Nicky then
About the sound of one hand clapping
The election, and how ****** up Trump is
Our plans to hang out and play D&D over the weekend

Ms. Johnson, my favorite teacher, walking in with her tea
The brown liquid perfectly poured into a clear glass mug
Tom raises his hand
“Ms. J, are you drinking whiskey?”
We all laugh at the preposterous question
And we go on with our day

English, math, history, science, PE, and Spanish
The classes fly by
Tristian and I go to my house
Sit in front of the Tv and play Mario Bros
Not a care in the world
Homework could wait until tomorrow

When he leaves I start prepping for tomorrow’s game
My parents come home and cook dinner
My sister emerges from her room to eat
We watch a show
And I go to bed

Things were simpler then
Things were better then
Can we go back?

The silence creeps in
Until even the voices of shows are quieted
Until you are completely alone

We hate those different from us
But why?
Because our parents did?
If that was the case then there would be no love
Nothing but hate
Because we were meant to be different
We weren’t meant to fit in
We were meant to question
We were meant to accept
People who hate gay People because the bible says
The bible also says “thou shalt love thy neighbor as thy love thyself”
Do you want to be hated?
I didn’t think so
So open your eyes
Question beliefs
Hell, question me
You don’t know **** about me
You have no reason to trust me
But just do me a favor
Stop hating people because of what the look like or who they love

“Too many questions” Aughra said
She can’t answer mine
But I may be able to answer yours
Ask away

Today I saw friends I haven’t seen in months
Getting our caps and gowns
A day long awaited
But now that it’s here I wish I could go back

Today we spent hours breaking “quarantine”
I talked to people I barely know
And we hugged as we realized that it would be the last chance
We walked up through the blooming roses
Sat at a gazebo and you smoked
I thought it was intoxicating enough just to see you

Today may be the last time we see each other
And today is the memory I wanted
One where cliques and bad relationships didn’t get in the way of us spending time together
Class of 2020 relaxing in the shade
Sun beating down on the trees around the park

We rejoiced that we were done
We were graduates
We were family

We celebrated all the fire alarms
The teachers
The students
The dumb classes we were forced to take
We celebrated it all

We may not have had a ceremony
But we could still celebrate together

JHS Class of 2020
While we may not have loved every moment
Every moment made us
And for that I thank you