My fingers typed in your name before my brain had a chance to realize
I clicked on your profile, the picture the car you drove daily
And before I knew what I was doing I had already scrolled through
Unable to control myself, I read through your posts
Seeing your new girl
Seeing how happy you were
Seeing that you were living your Happily Ever After

I lived with my sister for a while
She goes to college
I played video games while she was working
She worked a lot
I met her many roommates- they’re very nice
She has four roommates
I didn’t go to bed until late night
She doesn’t sleep much
I was living at college for a while
My sister invited me

I’m tired of the repetition
Of waking up just to feel...
empty
Of going through the meaningless movements
In, out
Step, step,
Scrub, rinse
Type, delete
Because that’s all that life is
****...
I’m sick of it, but I don’t want to move on
I just want something different

”So this is odd,
A painful realization,
That all has gone wrong”
It starts when I put on my headphones
Every time
Sane songs
Each word carrying a message
Straight into me
“I’m missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we have to speak”
Every word striking a realization
That I had to avoid the people I loved the most
Her, and her, and her
But not him
“I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us”
I’ve apologized
She’s accepted
But we no longer have the energy we did
Devoted to each other
Empty looks are shared
“Cause you’re gone, I get nothing
And you’re off with barely a sigh
I never said “Goodbye””
And you left
I don’t blame you one bit
I wouldn’t want to have been around me either
Yelling out the falsehoods I was told
I was wrong
“Waiting here with hopes
The phone will ring
And I’m thinking awful things”
Mostly what caused me to hurt
Those reasons of *******
The man who ran
“The martyr is meaningless “
I think we all know why
I think we all know who
But still I say
“”I hope that you’re happy,
You really deserve it,
This will be best for us both in the end””
Because I don’t know what else to say
“Please send me anything
But signals that are mixed”
I miss you
But don’t know if you miss me
“These are the places I’ve come to fear the most”
The ones where we would see each other
Have to talk
Be civil
Because I don’t know you anymore
I used to tell you
“Take this bitter pill,
This medicine
Hope you swallow, choke, and die”
The music ends,
Instinctively
I reach up
Tap play
And move on

I just saw a photograph of you
It brought back all the good feelings
The ones of safety
The ones of happiness
The ones I had when we would sit together
With my lips lying upon yours
It also brought sorrow
I miss us
I know that we’re warring now
But I’m sorry
I know that you want to **** me
But I just want to hear your voice
I want to see your face
I want to feel your hand in mine
I want to be together again
We were amazing together
But
It’s probably best
If we don’t speak again

What will it take
For you to be mine
What will it take
For me to hold you in my embrace
Time
Money
Power
I cannot give
All I can are
Love
Support
Me

I always misspell “Write”
And it’s all my teacher’s fault
English was taken with Ms. Wright
Writing 115
Writing 121
A total of 11 essays
20 worksheets
4 poems
All with her name at the top
And now I can’t write wright right
Right?

Something to count on
Just something that tells me
“It gets better, maybe not much, but enough”
In times so bleak I need something to count on
Someone to say I’ll be okay, WE will be okay
But I look out
A sea of people who want to help
Yet I feel like I’m still drowning
I just need someone to hold me
And provide a little comfort

She’s best friend just moved
She said she has no friends left
She quickly said
“I have no friends to talk with”
She still revised
“I have no friends
To talk about boys with”
Have I not helped her
Get through her breakup
Helped her
Push away the ex
Have I not heard
Every
Single
Problem
Do I not know
Every embarrassing story
Her family
Has she not invited me
Alone
To her house
To “watch TV”
Where really we talked about
Her relationships
Her want to “carelessly flirt”
Her family problems
Did I not treat her better
Did I not put myself out
Did I not go all in
Just to get rejected
Just to hear about more problems
Am I not a friend
She has talked girl talk with
Even if I’m a guy
If I’m not a friend
Who am I?

Another cute guy I want to walk up to and talk
But what do I say?
I could go over,
Fumble my thoughts around
Leaving him confused on what just happened
Or I could stay here, safe in a little bubble
Quietly kicking myself for not saying something

Rule 1: you do not talk about fight club
Rule 2: you do not talk about fight club
Rule 3: someone yells stop...
Someone goes limp
Or taps out... you stop
Rule 4: fights will go on as long as they have to
Rule 5: one fight at a time
Rule 6: no shirt, no shoes
Rule 7: two men to a fight
Rule 8: If this is your first time at fight club, you have to fight

Tú estás mi todo
Te amo tú
Tú estás mi todo
No puedo pensar
Sin pensar sobre tú
A tú
Yo estoy tu amigo
Pero
Quiero a ser más
Te amo tú
Me amas?

There’s a war inside me
Between creation and destruction
Chaos and Law
Good and evil
Yin and yang

At any moment one force grabs my mind
Destroying the thoughts in its path
Hatred, fear, gone in a flash
Kindness, humor, love, ran through by recklessness

My mind is the battlefield
Soaking in the leftovers of a never ceasing war
Wanting nothing but piece
But the rain of violence continues

Wishing the weapons to turn to flowers
For trenches of hatred to become flowing rivers
For light to shine on the bleak hellscape
But the battle continues

Chaos beats Law
Good defeats evil
Destruction obliterates creation
But from chaos comes order
From good darkness arises
From nothing comes something
Yin from yang
Yang from yin

The war continues, a shadow of darkness ever encroaching
Until light is snuffed from the sky
The war lost

I know I said no more about him
But just this once,

I miss my back against his chest
His arms pulling me close
His head resting on mine,
Something I usually hate,
but never cared about with him,
I miss feeling his breaths
In... out... in... out...
Mine matching his
In... out... in... out...
Feeling his heartbeat
Ba-dum ba-dum
His hand resting on my chest, feeling mine
Bad-dum ba-dum
I miss the safety
The loss of time as we laid in his bed
Doing nothing more than laying there
Enjoying the warmth we shared
As he held me close
I never wanted it to end...

We were apart for too long, you and I
I have no idea what caused that separation
But it’s fixed now
And I can finally write again
I held do many words behind my teeth
Rather than saying them to you
By losing all of you
I lost a piece of myself
Every morning when I awake
I do four things
1: check Snapchat
2: check my email
3: check to see what you said
4: double check to make sure I heard you
I lost myself without you all
You tether me
Without you — all of you— I would float away
Away from sanity
Away from reason

The last thing I wrote was so many words
Because each line marks me
Speaks of what I felt over the last months
But I’m moving on
Not forgetting,
Rising, learning, moving
Doing stupid things
I just did something really stupid
And immediately I wish I could take it back
****
And so there I go,
A tether snapped
So I start floating
Until someone can pull me back down

We hate those different from us
But why?
Because our parents did?
If that was the case then there would be no love
Nothing but hate
Because we were meant to be different
We weren’t meant to fit in
We were meant to question
We were meant to accept
People who hate gay People because the bible says
The bible also says “thou shalt love thy neighbor as thy love thyself”
Do you want to be hated?
I didn’t think so
So open your eyes
Question beliefs
Hell, question me
You don’t know **** about me
You have no reason to trust me
But just do me a favor
Stop hating people because of what the look like or who they love

To all of those insulting people for being gay
calling them “***”
or are otherwise homophobic
you don’t have to answer, just read
How many of you are gay yourselves? How many of you have a gay family member or close friend?
How many of you have known what it’s like to come out?
To know that you may not be welcomed by your friends or family?
To have to keep your mouth shut about a piece of yourself
out of fear of being rejected over something you can’t control?
If you don’t know the pain that festers inside
You have no right
To insult those who feel that pain
Every
Single
Day

The world may be falling apart
People turning weapons on those with nothing but their voice
Thousands dying of a disease with no cure
But the cat’s letting me hold him

As if nothing happened
You walk in
Asking to play Monopoly
You’re civil
No longer giving me a look
As if you’re saying with your eyes
“I’ll **** you”
As if nothing happened
You ask me how my summer was
You make idle conversation
You make jokes you made before
Even some at his expense
As if nothing happened
We played our game
No emotion across your face
As you sit next to me
Laughing as we roll a six and a nine
A four and two tens
As if nothing happened
We sit
We laugh
We play

The silence creeps in
Until even the voices of shows are quieted
Until you are completely alone

You are my everything
I love you
You are my everything
I can’t think
Without thinking about you
To you
I am a friend
But
I love you
Do you love me?

Dark brown dripping into the ***
Plinking on the glass container
Steam streaming into the room
Filling the air with the bitter, delicious scent
Each drip closer to being ready
Drip, drip, drip

...

















But the silence says everything

He sits alone at a bar
People swirl around him
The only conversation he has is ordering another
He stands to leave
As he walks to the door the bartender asks
“Same time tomorrow?”
“Yeah Leo. Tomorrow”
His voice heavy with sadness

He drives
Faster and faster
would anyone miss me?
a singular thought passing through
Over and over as streetlights pass above
would anyone miss me?
His foot presses down
He closes his eyes
would anyone miss me?
He lets go of the wheel
As he lays motionless inside the car his journal opens
*would anyone miss me?

“Hands down
This is the best day
I can
Ever remember
Always remember
The sound of the stereo
Dim of the soft lights
Scent of her hair
That
She twirled in her fingers
and
the time on the clock”
But I’ll only remember
If I can ask
Why can’t I ask

You told me
“Take the class
Show up once a week
Do four hours of work
In forty five minutes.”
I said
“Okay”
And we shook
I knew it wouldn’t work
Taking two classes
Scheduled for the same time
I wanted to drop it
You forced me not to
Here we are
Nine weeks later
I’m failing the class
You wouldn’t let me drop
And now you tell me
My only choices are to fail
To fail
Or to fail
You set me up for failure
When you should’ve set me for success.
*******

We’ve all had that one dream
The one that mixes together all your thoughts
All your regrets
All your impulses
And makes a movie from it
Your own private “what if”

Just imagine, if you will,
Me
Just me
On walks a disaster
On walks problems
On walks impulses mixed with memories and regret
Putting on an awkward show
Mixing friends with ***
Mixing bullies and bigots with weapons aimed for your insecurities
All tied together in a neat little show

I remember this vividly
More so than any dream I’ve ever had
I smelt the clean park air,
I heard the squawks of birds overhead
Felt their heat on my skin
Saw the light filtering through the trees
Saw them
Felt them
Heard them

People have these dreams with hopes they come true
With hopes they can live out the scenes of content
People say they will
That dreams are glimpses of the future
I don’t believe it though
At least, not this one dream

Why do people go to find love?
Do they really feel that it’s worth the breakup
To be feeling like **** for days — sometimes weeks
Just for a short time of happiness?

Thank you to all who have helped me grow
Thank you to all who have given me struggle
Thank you to all who have believed in me
When I didn’t believe in myself
Thank you for giving me strength
Thank you for showing me my mistakes
Thank you for yelling at me
Thank you everyone I ever knew
For teaching me about a piece of myself
I may not have even known was there
And to most of those I’ve fought with,
I’m sorry
To most of those who wronged me,
It’s okay

Thank you to all of you
I’m sorry to most of you
And I am trying to move on
To become someone new
Because I don’t like where I have ended up
Let’s find out where my road leads

I’m a tangle of words
A mess of quotes
Lyrics
Jokes
Sarcasm
All written together into a script
Into the shape of a person
Whenever I speak
A piece of me comes off
Never to be seen again

Writing would help the pain go away
Or at least, that’s what I’ve been told
But really,
All it did was reopen wounds long healed
Given me a place to turn bitter
Giving me a place to ***** about this and that
“Why didn’t he like me?”
“Why did she say no?”
People are facing real problems
And here I am
******* about why I’m not happy
Even though there are much bigger problems around

Why am I the one you come to?
Why am I the one who gets asked?
Why am I the relationship man?

I’ve only ever been in one
(and we all know how it ended — in petty poems and petty texts)
But I’m the one you ask advice
On a thing I never got working right

I wake up
Take the dog
Go to school and see my fabulous friends
We talk and work then after I go see my boyfriend
We all spend time together,
Promising we won’t let one another feel alone
I feel bliss as I feel his arms wrap around me
Nuzzling his face in my neck
I go to kiss him,
And I wake up
It was all a dream
And I realize how alone I am

What happens
When your go to venterater
Needs to be venterated?
Who do they talk to
When all they know
Is how to listen?
Who can talk?

I want to destroy everything from our relationship
But I can’t
There’s nothing to destroy
The only thing I have are the rings sitting behind my painting
And a series of texts from when we went to the park together
I still remember
We went to **** Creek
Named for the taste of **** in the river
I still haven’t gone back
Because I know I’ll run into the two of you
And I can’t deal with that right now
It’s been two months
I’m trying to forget you
And as tears stream down my face I wish I had something
Anything
To destroy
But I can’t, because there’s nothing to destroy

You remember two years ago?
That movie day we planned
The one that quickly changed from day to week to month?
The one we planned to do that summer
Before the dreams
Before the ugliness
When we were just three misfits that fit together
Firedrill karaoke singers
The summer yoga masters
When did it all fall apart?
When did we go our separate ways?
We used to be so close, so why did we drift apart?
What ever happened to our movie day?

I haven’t heard from you in more than a week
And not that we talked everyday
But we did talk often so...
Are you okay?
Please...
Both Damon and I are worried
Let us know that you’re alive...

Once again mistaken for a woman
This time worse than before
She thought I could be her’s but she doesn’t like me
I’m sorry for how far it went
I didn’t realize before then
You thought I was someone else
But perhaps I knew all along and just wanted someone else to talk to

Welcome to the Day of Silence
A peek into our life
A life where we can’t speak the truth
About something as simple as ourselves
About who we truly are
Try it
Stay silent all day
Think about how hard it is
Welcome to our lives

I won’t have that moment
When I walk across the stage
Looking out at the audience
Searching for the faces of my family

I won’t hear my aunts yell out
“Whoooooeeeeeee” when I grab my diploma
I won’t be able to thank my principal
I won’t be able to see my closest friends
As they do the same

I won’t have the moment
When I walk out to the auditorium
Where I’m blinded by the lights
That pave my way to the future

I won’t have my moment
When I realize
Who I’ve become

Don’t you love being reminded of someone you can’t have
When their pictures pop up
After you’ve done everything to forget them
When you get told you might want to follow their band, then their closest friends
Eventually the algorithm decides you want to follow their girlfriend
It does all it can to keep the pain alive
The pain of wanting someone you can never have

If a picture is worth a thousand words
Why can I only think of three when I see one of you?

I wish I had someone
Someone to hold and share a blanket
As we look up to the stars
Listening
Living

I need to stop watching people’s stories
It’s all the same
Party here, party there
Nothing I was invited to
Even if I know everyone there
Here I am at home on my Saturday night
Same as last week
Same as next week

He sat at the bar
She sat next to him
They talked and drank till closing
He asked her back to his place
She declined and took a cab home

The next night he sat at the bar
She walked in
They had a laugh and a drink
He asked her back to his place
She declined and took a cab home

The next night she walked in
And he was gone
She asked if the bartender had seen him
He said “not tonight”
She had a drink and waited
After an hour he hadn’t shown up
She took a cab home
A man was sitting on her porch
A bouquet of roses drooped in his hand

“How did you know where I lived?”
“You took a cab” he explains
“When you told him your address
I wrote it down
Because there’s no way in hell I’ll let you,
The prettiest woman,
Walk away without trying
So here I am,
Dinner?”
He held out his hand
She took it and pulled him inside

I want to write a book
Make me into a story
Sprinkle in some laughter
Some happiness
Take out the hate that became last spring
But how do I write the truth
Without being able to admit my pain to myself
I am human, sure
But I’m more
I need to know
Who am I?

Stupid *******
Why do you always check
Every ******* day
Reload, reload reload
As if someone liked what you wrote weeks ago
Checking your ******* email as if you get something
Something other than scams and junk mail
You’re a stupid ******* why would anyone want to talk to you
Scrolling through your phone like it’s gonna make **** better
You’re gonna find the ******* perfect thing
******* *******
There’s nothing that will make you better there
Go out and meet people, but you’re too timid
You ******* *******
They’re all talking about you
They all ******* hate you and why shouldn’t they?
You’re a ******* ******* who can’t shut up
That’s why you’re ******* alone
Not because you’re friends wanted to start their lives
Because they wanted to get away from you
******* *******
That’s all you’ll ever be
******* stuck here doing the same ******* thing
“It’s just a year” that’s a ******* lie
You’re not gonna leave
You’re never going to do anything
You are and always will be a ******* *******
Oh and now you think people want to read this?
You think people want to hear the ******* things that go on in your mind?
You’re not ******* important enough for them to care
You’re just a *******
That’s all you’ll ever be

Those three words were all Grampa said to him
As the classic car glided down the road
Grampa looked over at his 5 year old boy
And motioned for him to sit on his lap
“Spirit’s what you need in this world kid
Otherwise you’ll crumble faster than a paper in the rain”
The kid took the wheel, driving faster and faster

Eleven years later
Grampa gave him a box
“Take good care of her
And remember, keep your spirit”
That night Grampa welcomed the icy grip of death

On his gravestone were the words
Spirit’s all you need to survive, keep it safe
Resting on top were photos
The car driving down the same road
The boy behind the wheel growing into a man

Eleven years later
The man drove to the cemetery
Tears streaming down his face
“She left me, Grampa
And I know I only need spirit
But I need you more
I need you to tell me that it okay
That I don’t need her
I need you to tell me what to do”
He sat there crying over his Grampa’s grave

He drove home
To the house in the middle of nowhere
The house his Grampa built
Sitting empty save a few boxes
He climbed the wooden ladder to his treehouse
He sat with a picture of his kind faced Grampa
Tears streaking his cheeks
He walks over to the chest he kept his toys in when he was a boy
Digging out old cars
Army men
And yo-yos
Till he reached the bottom
His toys surrounding him he noticed something
The chest had a fake board in the bottom

He pulled it up to find a note etched into it
I won’t always be there for you
But know this
It will all be fine in the end
Keep your spirit, for that is all you need
I love you
He climbed out
Got in the classic car
And drove
Hoping someday it would all work out

This post is nothing cute
No poetic devices or drawn out lines
I just need a hug and have nobody to ask but you