Every morning
I follow a routine
The same one I’ve followed for years
Alarm goes off
Get dressed
Walk the dog
Skip breakfast
Grab coffee
Run to catch my bus
Every morning
It’s the same

What does the afterlife hold?
Is it splendors for all
Individualized little worlds for us to live?
Do we get to go back and relive our best days?
Are we reunited with old friends
Waiting to swap life stories like no time had passed?
What does the afterlife hold?
Are we reborn?
Walking the world eternally
Each reincarnation slightly different from the last
Taking the form of our truest love from the last life we lived
Our memories mostly forgotten, but a few hanging on to guide our new body
What does the afterlife hold?
What if there isn’t one?
This is it, and all there ever will be
Short spans of consciousness with nothing before and nothing after
Our bodies and souls dying together
What does the afterlife hold?
A question asked for centuries, but you can only die to know

Another cute guy I want to walk up to and talk
But what do I say?
I could go over,
Fumble my thoughts around
Leaving him confused on what just happened
Or I could stay here, safe in a little bubble
Quietly kicking myself for not saying something

Something to count on
Just something that tells me
“It gets better, maybe not much, but enough”
In times so bleak I need something to count on
Someone to say I’ll be okay, WE will be okay
But I look out
A sea of people who want to help
Yet I feel like I’m still drowning
I just need someone to hold me
And provide a little comfort

I always misspell “Write”
And it’s all my teacher’s fault
English was taken with Ms. Wright
Writing 115
Writing 121
A total of 11 essays
20 worksheets
4 poems
All with her name at the top
And now I can’t write wright right
Right?

What will it take
For you to be mine
What will it take
For me to hold you in my embrace
Time
Money
Power
I cannot give
All I can are
Love
Support
Me

I’m tired of the repetition
Of waking up just to feel...
empty
Of going through the meaningless movements
In, out
Step, step,
Scrub, rinse
Type, delete
Because that’s all that life is
****...
I’m sick of it, but I don’t want to move on
I just want something different

The silence creeps in
Until even the voices of shows are quieted
Until you are completely alone

We hate those different from us
But why?
Because our parents did?
If that was the case then there would be no love
Nothing but hate
Because we were meant to be different
We weren’t meant to fit in
We were meant to question
We were meant to accept
People who hate gay People because the bible says
The bible also says “thou shalt love thy neighbor as thy love thyself”
Do you want to be hated?
I didn’t think so
So open your eyes
Question beliefs
Hell, question me
You don’t know **** about me
You have no reason to trust me
But just do me a favor
Stop hating people because of what the look like or who they love

As if nothing happened
You walk in
Asking to play Monopoly
You’re civil
No longer giving me a look
As if you’re saying with your eyes
“I’ll **** you”
As if nothing happened
You ask me how my summer was
You make idle conversation
You make jokes you made before
Even some at his expense
As if nothing happened
We played our game
No emotion across your face
As you sit next to me
Laughing as we roll a six and a nine
A four and two tens
As if nothing happened
We sit
We laugh
We play

There’s a war inside me
Between creation and destruction
Chaos and Law
Good and evil
Yin and yang

At any moment one force grabs my mind
Destroying the thoughts in its path
Hatred, fear, gone in a flash
Kindness, humor, love, ran through by recklessness

My mind is the battlefield
Soaking in the leftovers of a never ceasing war
Wanting nothing but piece
But the rain of violence continues

Wishing the weapons to turn to flowers
For trenches of hatred to become flowing rivers
For light to shine on the bleak hellscape
But the battle continues

Chaos beats Law
Good defeats evil
Destruction obliterates creation
But from chaos comes order
From good darkness arises
From nothing comes something
Yin from yang
Yang from yin

The war continues, a shadow of darkness ever encroaching
Until light is snuffed from the sky
The war lost

Rule 1: you do not talk about fight club
Rule 2: you do not talk about fight club
Rule 3: someone yells stop...
Someone goes limp
Or taps out... you stop
Rule 4: fights will go on as long as they have to
Rule 5: one fight at a time
Rule 6: no shirt, no shoes
Rule 7: two men to a fight
Rule 8: If this is your first time at fight club, you have to fight

We were apart for too long, you and I
I have no idea what caused that separation
But it’s fixed now
And I can finally write again
I held do many words behind my teeth
Rather than saying them to you
By losing all of you
I lost a piece of myself
Every morning when I awake
I do four things
1: check Snapchat
2: check my email
3: check to see what you said
4: double check to make sure I heard you
I lost myself without you all
You tether me
Without you — all of you— I would float away
Away from sanity
Away from reason

The last thing I wrote was so many words
Because each line marks me
Speaks of what I felt over the last months
But I’m moving on
Not forgetting,
Rising, learning, moving
Doing stupid things
I just did something really stupid
And immediately I wish I could take it back
****
And so there I go,
A tether snapped
So I start floating
Until someone can pull me back down

Tú estás mi todo
Te amo tú
Tú estás mi todo
No puedo pensar
Sin pensar sobre tú
A tú
Yo estoy tu amigo
Pero
Quiero a ser más
Te amo tú
Me amas?

I know I said no more about him
But just this once,

I miss my back against his chest
His arms pulling me close
His head resting on mine,
Something I usually hate,
but never cared about with him,
I miss feeling his breaths
In... out... in... out...
Mine matching his
In... out... in... out...
Feeling his heartbeat
Ba-dum ba-dum
His hand resting on my chest, feeling mine
Bad-dum ba-dum
I miss the safety
The loss of time as we laid in his bed
Doing nothing more than laying there
Enjoying the warmth we shared
As he held me close
I never wanted it to end...

To all of those insulting people for being gay
calling them “***”
or are otherwise homophobic
you don’t have to answer, just read
How many of you are gay yourselves? How many of you have a gay family member or close friend?
How many of you have known what it’s like to come out?
To know that you may not be welcomed by your friends or family?
To have to keep your mouth shut about a piece of yourself
out of fear of being rejected over something you can’t control?
If you don’t know the pain that festers inside
You have no right
To insult those who feel that pain
Every
Single
Day

You remember two years ago?
That movie day we planned
The one that quickly changed from day to week to month?
The one we planned to do that summer
Before the dreams
Before the ugliness
When we were just three misfits that fit together
Firedrill karaoke singers
The summer yoga masters
When did it all fall apart?
When did we go our separate ways?
We used to be so close, so why did we drift apart?
What ever happened to our movie day?

I just saw a photograph of you
It brought back all the good feelings
The ones of safety
The ones of happiness
The ones I had when we would sit together
With my lips lying upon yours
It also brought sorrow
I miss us
I know that we’re warring now
But I’m sorry
I know that you want to **** me
But I just want to hear your voice
I want to see your face
I want to feel your hand in mine
I want to be together again
We were amazing together
But
It’s probably best
If we don’t speak again

My fingers typed in your name before my brain had a chance to realize
I clicked on your profile, the picture the car you drove daily
And before I knew what I was doing I had already scrolled through
Unable to control myself, I read through your posts
Seeing your new girl
Seeing how happy you were
Seeing that you were living your Happily Ever After

She’s best friend just moved
She said she has no friends left
She quickly said
“I have no friends to talk with”
She still revised
“I have no friends
To talk about boys with”
Have I not helped her
Get through her breakup
Helped her
Push away the ex
Have I not heard
Every
Single
Problem
Do I not know
Every embarrassing story
Her family
Has she not invited me
Alone
To her house
To “watch TV”
Where really we talked about
Her relationships
Her want to “carelessly flirt”
Her family problems
Did I not treat her better
Did I not put myself out
Did I not go all in
Just to get rejected
Just to hear about more problems
Am I not a friend
She has talked girl talk with
Even if I’m a guy
If I’m not a friend
Who am I?

He sits alone at a bar
People swirl around him
The only conversation he has is ordering another
He stands to leave
As he walks to the door the bartender asks
“Same time tomorrow?”
“Yeah Leo. Tomorrow”
His voice heavy with sadness

He drives
Faster and faster
would anyone miss me?
a singular thought passing through
Over and over as streetlights pass above
would anyone miss me?
His foot presses down
He closes his eyes
would anyone miss me?
He lets go of the wheel
As he lays motionless inside the car his journal opens
*would anyone miss me?

We’ve all had that one dream
The one that mixes together all your thoughts
All your regrets
All your impulses
And makes a movie from it
Your own private “what if”

Just imagine, if you will,
Me
Just me
On walks a disaster
On walks problems
On walks impulses mixed with memories and regret
Putting on an awkward show
Mixing friends with ***
Mixing bullies and bigots with weapons aimed for your insecurities
All tied together in a neat little show

I remember this vividly
More so than any dream I’ve ever had
I smelt the clean park air,
I heard the squawks of birds overhead
Felt their heat on my skin
Saw the light filtering through the trees
Saw them
Felt them
Heard them

People have these dreams with hopes they come true
With hopes they can live out the scenes of content
People say they will
That dreams are glimpses of the future
I don’t believe it though
At least, not this one dream

Welcome to the Day of Silence
A peek into our life
A life where we can’t speak the truth
About something as simple as ourselves
About who we truly are
Try it
Stay silent all day
Think about how hard it is
Welcome to our lives

Why am I the one you come to?
Why am I the one who gets asked?
Why am I the relationship man?

I’ve only ever been in one
(and we all know how it ended — in petty poems and petty texts)
But I’m the one you ask advice
On a thing I never got working right

You told me
“Take the class
Show up once a week
Do four hours of work
In forty five minutes.”
I said
“Okay”
And we shook
I knew it wouldn’t work
Taking two classes
Scheduled for the same time
I wanted to drop it
You forced me not to
Here we are
Nine weeks later
I’m failing the class
You wouldn’t let me drop
And now you tell me
My only choices are to fail
To fail
Or to fail
You set me up for failure
When you should’ve set me for success.
*******

If a picture is worth a thousand words
Why can I only think of three when I see one of you?

...

















But the silence says everything

I haven’t heard from you in more than a week
And not that we talked everyday
But we did talk often so...
Are you okay?
Please...
Both Damon and I are worried
Let us know that you’re alive...

Once again mistaken for a woman
This time worse than before
She thought I could be her’s but she doesn’t like me
I’m sorry for how far it went
I didn’t realize before then
You thought I was someone else
But perhaps I knew all along and just wanted someone else to talk to

I want to destroy everything from our relationship
But I can’t
There’s nothing to destroy
The only thing I have are the rings sitting behind my painting
And a series of texts from when we went to the park together
I still remember
We went to **** Creek
Named for the taste of **** in the river
I still haven’t gone back
Because I know I’ll run into the two of you
And I can’t deal with that right now
It’s been two months
I’m trying to forget you
And as tears stream down my face I wish I had something
Anything
To destroy
But I can’t, because there’s nothing to destroy

The world may be falling apart
People turning weapons on those with nothing but their voice
Thousands dying of a disease with no cure
But the cat’s letting me hold him

“Hands down
This is the best day
I can
Ever remember
Always remember
The sound of the stereo
Dim of the soft lights
Scent of her hair
That
She twirled in her fingers
and
the time on the clock”
But I’ll only remember
If I can ask
Why can’t I ask

I want to write a book
Make me into a story
Sprinkle in some laughter
Some happiness
Take out the hate that became last spring
But how do I write the truth
Without being able to admit my pain to myself
I am human, sure
But I’m more
I need to know
Who am I?

Have you noticed that the ones wearing a mask
Avoiding leaving the house
Not talking to people
Are the ones who need to?
We haven’t left
Save for protesting against inequity in our world
Because we need this to be over
We need to be able to leave
Without worrying about harming those around us
We are the ones that never talked
That now have something to say
We are the ones that never went outside
That now want to experience the world
We are the ones that need our friends
That now can’t talk to them without a ******* phone
We are the ones that need help
That we can’t reach
We put on the mask so that this ends
We seldom leave so that this ends
We keep minimizing our lives so that you can live yours, but you can’t do the same?

Writing would help the pain go away
Or at least, that’s what I’ve been told
But really,
All it did was reopen wounds long healed
Given me a place to turn bitter
Giving me a place to ***** about this and that
“Why didn’t he like me?”
“Why did she say no?”
People are facing real problems
And here I am
******* about why I’m not happy
Even though there are much bigger problems around

I’m a tangle of words
A mess of quotes
Lyrics
Jokes
Sarcasm
All written together into a script
Into the shape of a person
Whenever I speak
A piece of me comes off
Never to be seen again

I wake up
Take the dog
Go to school and see my fabulous friends
We talk and work then after I go see my boyfriend
We all spend time together,
Promising we won’t let one another feel alone
I feel bliss as I feel his arms wrap around me
Nuzzling his face in my neck
I go to kiss him,
And I wake up
It was all a dream
And I realize how alone I am

I wish I had someone
Someone to hold and share a blanket
As we look up to the stars
Listening
Living

I need to say something
But it can’t be said
Words fail to describe... me
And so I sit in pain
Knowing I’ll never be seen
Warts and all

Thank you to all who have helped me grow
Thank you to all who have given me struggle
Thank you to all who have believed in me
When I didn’t believe in myself
Thank you for giving me strength
Thank you for showing me my mistakes
Thank you for yelling at me
Thank you everyone I ever knew
For teaching me about a piece of myself
I may not have even known was there
And to most of those I’ve fought with,
I’m sorry
To most of those who wronged me,
It’s okay

Thank you to all of you
I’m sorry to most of you
And I am trying to move on
To become someone new
Because I don’t like where I have ended up
Let’s find out where my road leads

Why do people go to find love?
Do they really feel that it’s worth the breakup
To be feeling like **** for days — sometimes weeks
Just for a short time of happiness?

What happens
When your go to venterater
Needs to be venterated?
Who do they talk to
When all they know
Is how to listen?
Who can talk?

I’ve become removed from reality
Lost in worlds where monsters roam free
Some slain and some caught and enslaved
Some worlds where magic destroys the world
But regardless
I’m losing my grip on reality
The outside world fading from view
And soon it will be too late to come back
Shame
I kinda liked it here

What if something didn’t happen?
Pick a poem I have written
And I’ll write a story where the events in it
Never happened
Where the feelings were never felt
Or maybe where I never met someone
Your choice

Don’t you love being reminded of someone you can’t have
When their pictures pop up
After you’ve done everything to forget them
When you get told you might want to follow their band, then their closest friends
Eventually the algorithm decides you want to follow their girlfriend
It does all it can to keep the pain alive
The pain of wanting someone you can never have

I need to stop watching people’s stories
It’s all the same
Party here, party there
Nothing I was invited to
Even if I know everyone there
Here I am at home on my Saturday night
Same as last week
Same as next week

You are my everything
I love you
You are my everything
I can’t think
Without thinking about you
To you
I am a friend
But
I love you
Do you love me?

He sat at the bar
She sat next to him
They talked and drank till closing
He asked her back to his place
She declined and took a cab home

The next night he sat at the bar
She walked in
They had a laugh and a drink
He asked her back to his place
She declined and took a cab home

The next night she walked in
And he was gone
She asked if the bartender had seen him
He said “not tonight”
She had a drink and waited
After an hour he hadn’t shown up
She took a cab home
A man was sitting on her porch
A bouquet of roses drooped in his hand

“How did you know where I lived?”
“You took a cab” he explains
“When you told him your address
I wrote it down
Because there’s no way in hell I’ll let you,
The prettiest woman,
Walk away without trying
So here I am,
Dinner?”
He held out his hand
She took it and pulled him inside