This post is nothing cute
No poetic devices or drawn out lines
I just need a hug and have nobody to ask but you

I need to say something
But it can’t be said
Words fail to describe... me
And so I sit in pain
Knowing I’ll never be seen
Warts and all

What if something didn’t happen?
Pick a poem I have written
And I’ll write a story where the events in it
Never happened
Where the feelings were never felt
Or maybe where I never met someone
Your choice

I’ve become removed from reality
Lost in worlds where monsters roam free
Some slain and some caught and enslaved
Some worlds where magic destroys the world
But regardless
I’m losing my grip on reality
The outside world fading from view
And soon it will be too late to come back
Shame
I kinda liked it here

I thought friends would cure the poison in my veins
Instead they seemed to leach it from my body
Taking it in themselves
Until it changes them
And the poison returns
Ready for me to introduce new victims
All I can hope for is that one carries a cure

I used to be fun
I wouldn’t complain about life
Just wonder when it would be my turn to be happy
I was fake happy
At least for a short time
I would laugh, cry, make jokes
I had friends
Then I met him
I changed
I didn’t think I had, but I did
And I changed for him

I never used to cut school
But I did it to be with him
We’d drive around
We’d go to the beach
We’d get food
We’d just go — be anywhere but school
I never used to steal
But last week I took expensive things from stores
I never used to smoke
But here I am, waiting for that next high
I changed for him
And I don’t like who I’ve become
I wish I could go back

I changed for him
No matter how much I didn’t think I did
But now
Instead of quotes
I speak original lines
Instead of jokes
I complain about him and her
Instead of being happy
I’m scared
I’m scared of who I am
And of what happened to me

Who am I?

Have you noticed that the ones wearing a mask
Avoiding leaving the house
Not talking to people
Are the ones who need to?
We haven’t left
Save for protesting against inequity in our world
Because we need this to be over
We need to be able to leave
Without worrying about harming those around us
We are the ones that never talked
That now have something to say
We are the ones that never went outside
That now want to experience the world
We are the ones that need our friends
That now can’t talk to them without a ******* phone
We are the ones that need help
That we can’t reach
We put on the mask so that this ends
We seldom leave so that this ends
We keep minimizing our lives so that you can live yours, but you can’t do the same?

We live in a world where people are killed
Based on the color of their skin
We live in a world where people live on the streets
Because they were evicted for no reason
We live in a world where people can’t report crimes
Without fear of being deported
We live in a world where people are afraid to speak
Because they fear that they’ll be told their lying
We live in a world where people would rather commit suicide
Than admit that they’re attracted to the same gender
Or because they don’t feel right in their body
We live in a world where someone seeking a better life
Is detained because someone thought they should be

The world is broken
We have to fight to fix it

They say that if you need to know about love
Ask a poet
They’re supposed to know all about it
But how can I know everything
About something
That I’ve only experienced once?

I feel lost in a world I’ve known my whole life
Turning in circles
Watching people navigate twisted intertwined paths
Shoved to new places every time I open my eyes

No time to get my bearings
The waters of adulting flood the maze of life
Sink or swim
I can’t make it
My strength is failing
As I slip under the waves I can only hope I can fight my way back up

No strength left I slowly sink lower
The light from the sky above fading
Sobbing muffled and distorted through water
My breath is running out
And I can’t get out of the water
Which way is up?

I’m drowning and nobody notices
Lost in this maze where I can’t even tell up from down

Will anyone save me in time?

“I’m sorry, we have to let you go.”
“It’s fine
I understand”
“When there are no diners, there’s no need for a dishwasher”
“I get it. See you around.”
I want to cry as I walk through the restaurant doors
My glasses fogging as I take a shaky breath
****. What now?

Words claw at the silence of the room

When you look at someone through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags
You are everything that’s wrong with you.
See, we’re not doomed. It doesn’t matter what happened in the past or how we’re remembered. What matters is this moment.
I’m so tired of squinting
Time’s arrow neither stops nor reverses, it merely marches forwards
I have half a mind...
I see you...
A xerox of a xerox
Don’t you see, there is no other side. This is it
Life’s a *****, then you die. But sometimes life’s a *****, and you keep living

Wanna see it again?

I almost caught myself
Asking someone to come and change me
To make me who I’m not
Because I need to be someone else
Then I realized, only 3 more months
Then I can be who I am
Without having to hide it from anyone

The years pass quick
I forget who I was until I remember I wrote it down
I was a man
I am no longer
I was single
I am no longer
I was unhappy
I am no longer
I wasn’t me
I am no longer

I look through photos and barely recognize the face
Because I am no longer the one I once was

Science says
“You need 9 or more hours of sleep a night
To stay healthy,
Refreshed,
Happy,
And acute”

School says
“**** it! Start at 8:00 AM!
Run for 7 hours!
Give ‘em another 3 hours of homework a class!
They can take it!
Who needs sleep?
Who needs friends?”

We say
“**** it! Who needs sleep? Who needs homework?
We need to be experiencing life!
We need to figure out who we are!
Figure out what we want to do with our lives!
We need to explore our minds!
We need to find out how to deal with emotions!
We need to know how to be mentally stable
And how to prepare for life!”

School says
“*******!
You’ll learn how to be depressed,
Sleep deprived,
Automatons!
You’ll learn how Shakespeare wrote great plays!
You won’t read any though,
You’ll be too busy solving math you’ll never use!
No time for that though!
You’ll need to know in life that atoms have rings
These rings have electr—
What’s that?
Oh! Time to learn how to buy a home!
Just kidding! Taxes? Ha! Won’t need ‘em!
Here, take a test on things you didn’t learn!
You failed?
That means you ****!”

We moan, groan, complaining about how we have no time
“We want sleep!
We want lives!
We want to see the world!”

“Well *******!”

It’s 2016 again
I’m in 8th grade
The last time I was truly myself
— Truly happy—

Standing at that desk
Just talking to my old best friend, Nick,
Though he went by Nicky then
About the sound of one hand clapping
The election, and how ****** up Trump is
Our plans to hang out and play D&D over the weekend

Ms. Johnson, my favorite teacher, walking in with her tea
The brown liquid perfectly poured into a clear glass mug
Tom raises his hand
“Ms. J, are you drinking whiskey?”
We all laugh at the preposterous question
And we go on with our day

English, math, history, science, PE, and Spanish
The classes fly by
Tristian and I go to my house
Sit in front of the Tv and play Mario Bros
Not a care in the world
Homework could wait until tomorrow

When he leaves I start prepping for tomorrow’s game
My parents come home and cook dinner
My sister emerges from her room to eat
We watch a show
And I go to bed

Things were simpler then
Things were better then
Can we go back?

I’ve been isolated from the world
Nobody but my family to talk to
And they don’t know **** about me

I need to tell them, I want to tell them
But I’d have nowhere to run if I needed

I’ve been isolated
Keeping to my video games and created worlds
Exploring until the repetition sets in

I need something to do
But there’s nothing around

I’ve been isolated
Kept from my friends and my people
Wishing I could talk face to face

I need to talk to one of them, explain everything
But they ignore my texts, snaps, and dms

I’ve been isolated
Listening to my brain say that I’m not worth ****
With nobody to tell me otherwise

I need an embrace to calm my anxieties
But we’ve been banned from touching

I’ve been isolated
And most people are leaving and hanging out
Meeting with friends like it’s a normal ******* day

I NEED OUT
BUT YOU ******* CAN’T STAY INSIDE
LONG ENOUGH TO LET THE *******
VIRUS DIE

We’ve been isolated
but nobody gives a ****

...






I really don’t know where to begin
Life *****, I guess
I don’t know
...
...
...
Is there anything left to say?

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Is dikejrj just diduuwba a jxjdbej
Mess fijdndidien of ueuqkndigifn randomness
Xijebsuxbenn but dujeb I’m fkdjebxu jxjdb
Told zihehdn someone dndih will xjdjebu make kfifj
It kdkej clearer ifuwhsy euhebek someday
Kfifjejdu until ududbe then
Dyhe jdjdjdii pay dudj no mind furjbwjs to
My jfuby yshsbdram rambling

Same routine everyday
1) see the world try to free itself from tyranny
2) scroll through countless apps
3) actually get out of bed at 12:00
4) watch Netflix while playing Scrabble
5) eat
6) play video games
7) eat
8) water/ mow lawn and garden
9) scroll through social media until 3 AM
10) sleep and repeat

“Too many questions” Aughra said
She can’t answer mine
But I may be able to answer yours
Ask away

I have nothing to do now
Everyday the same
Wake up at noon
Eat
Play video games
Eat again
Play some more
Sleep at 4 am

When will I  be allowed back outside
Allowed to speak face to face
With someone I’m not related to?
I’ve done all I can here
I’ve grown bored indoors
All I want is to leave

Give me something to do
So I have something to write

Today I saw friends I haven’t seen in months
Getting our caps and gowns
A day long awaited
But now that it’s here I wish I could go back

Today we spent hours breaking “quarantine”
I talked to people I barely know
And we hugged as we realized that it would be the last chance
We walked up through the blooming roses
Sat at a gazebo and you smoked
I thought it was intoxicating enough just to see you

Today may be the last time we see each other
And today is the memory I wanted
One where cliques and bad relationships didn’t get in the way of us spending time together
Class of 2020 relaxing in the shade
Sun beating down on the trees around the park

We rejoiced that we were done
We were graduates
We were family

We celebrated all the fire alarms
The teachers
The students
The dumb classes we were forced to take
We celebrated it all

We may not have had a ceremony
But we could still celebrate together

JHS Class of 2020
While we may not have loved every moment
Every moment made us
And for that I thank you

I’m sorry for—
****. What am I apologizing for?
For being me?
**** that
I’m sorry that you don’t like me
I’m not apologizing for ****
******* for making me feel like it’s my fault for just being me

It’s four months later
And I still remember that dream
The one where I ****** a friend
While we were in a park in downtown
Because we both needed it

I still remember the words we spoke
The sound of the birds fluttering through trees
The feeling of the cold air breezing through our hair
The taste of his mouth inside mine
I still remember the time of day as we stared into each other’s eyes

I don’t know why I remember
It feels like torment though
To remember so vividly
Just driving my lust

It’s been four months
I still haven’t told him about it
Not because I’m afraid of his reaction
But because he’s happy
And he doesn’t need me to **** his life

I’m me
A 17 year old, bisexual man
Just because I have long hair
Just because I paint my nails
That’s no excuse to tell me
“I think you’re going into the wrong bathroom”
Or ask me
“Are you shopping for your boyfriend?”
When I walk into a store
I’m me
And I don’t care what you believe
Just don’t yell at me about something as trivial as which bathroom I use
Because I’m a man
I’ve known that for 17 years
Just because I’m bi
I’m no less a man

A **** fruit awaits
If only you can get past my thorns

He told me to forget him
He’s moving away
So I have to move on
Kind of hard to forget
When all I want to do
Is remembered every kiss
Every cuddle
Every stroke of every hand on mine
But I have to forget
I know I do

What I would give to wake up tomorrow
If tomorrow were back in 2016
The first day of high school
Where I decided who I was going to be
If only I knew what would happen
I would’ve taken more chances
I would’ve done more

What I would give to have a chance to do it again
To sit in those cold plastic chairs at 8 in the morning
It felt like torture
But it really was better than my life now
Cause at least then I had a chance to make myself into something

Honestly I would have done most of it the same
I mean, I would’ve been more social
I would’nt’ve tried so hard to fit in
And I would have been more impulsive
But I would fail in the same classes
Join the same clubs
Go the same places
Because the mistakes made me more than success

What I would give to have a chance to do it again
So that I didn’t become a disappointment

Today’s the day
I move the tassel left
I get the paper in my hand saying it’s over
Today’s the day we wait for 13 years to see
Every one is excited, but I feel empty
Today’s the day
I leave every I knew behind
The schedule I dreaded following is now over
And I can only wonder
What now?
Today’s the day
I made jokes about how happy I would be today
Yet sadness takes over as I realize
I may never see these classmates—these friends— again
Today’s the day
And I want to go back

In the late hours of the night
The sky dark and cloudy
Lit only by a thin slice of moon
Rain taps against my window

I open it, inviting the intoxicating aroma of fresh fallen rain
As I sit there listening to the tapping
My brain begins to churn out thoughts
Ruining an otherwise perfect moment

The wind rustles the 100 year old tree in my yard
And all I can think of is all I’ve done wrong
A faint rustle of wind and rain hitting the pine needles
and I hear whispers of memories of people I’ve wronged
Until I realize that it’s all in my head

In the late hours of the night I think and remember
But all I need to do is move on

“Supposed to be a happy new year!”
But then why does it feel even more depressing than the last one
Happy New Years

Here we are
Another Friday full of parties
And I’m all alone
Sitting on my couch with my phone and my thoughts
And all I can think of is a single question:
Who the **** did I *******?

I see story after story
Post after post
Of people eating drinking and being merry,
People I know
People I thought would invite me to ****
Yet here I am alone
And my thoughts grow darker the more my screen lights up
And all I can wonder is
Why am I alone?

I am utterly and completely alone
No amount of jokes or conversation will change that
I guess some cosmic being said “**** him”
And wandered off
Leaving me to fend off giants of depression
With but a few witty remarks
But it’s too strong
And as it beats me people stand by and watch
Because I’m damaged goods now
And I don’t deserve any ******* help
No matter how much I plead
And I ask over and over
Why won’t you do something?
Why are you just standing there?

The beast holds me down
Pushing me deep into the earth
And people watch from the edge of the crater depression made
As I claw and struggle to free myself from its grasp
And I give up
Because no matter how much I try
How much I beg
What jokes I make
I can’t win alone
And nobody’s there to help

Never again will I walk those halls
Trying to bypass the large groups of students
So that I’m not late for class

Never again will I see Mr. Edwards
Attempting to teach a new set of words every day
Before teaching us professional video production

Never again will I walk into the Middle College office
Just to play a game
Or help solve people’s problems
While skipping the one class I have to take

I won’t get those moments again
And I didn’t know the last time would be the last

If I did
I would’ve walked slower
I would’ve listened closer
I would’ve thought harder
I would’ve helped more

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But your words drove me to use them

We were more than a school
We were a community
We supported each other
We brought each other back when we were upset
We challenged everyone to think more, think harder

We were more than classmates and teachers
We were family
We cared when someone said they had a problem
We helped when we could
We made each other better, brighter

We were more than students
We were teachers
And I miss it more every minute

Demos I say,
YOU KNOW!

A purple house sits on the corner
A tree grows from the back yard
A grey trimmed porch wraps around
The bright golden mailbox full of mail
A deep blue door like a portal to the stars
The driveway where her car sits with popped tires
She approaches the house
The steps still cracked from where he fell
As the police tackled him
She opens the door still scratched from
When he had came at her with the
So she threw the lamp
Walking around she runs her hands along the walls
Where he pinned her while she tried to run
The couch in the middle of the room
Still soaked with blood where she clawed him
Tears streaming down her face
Down the hallway
Where holes in the wall marked where he tried to stab her
To the bedroom where he tried to smother her
For the pain had grown too much

They’re all leaving
Going off to college and to work
To live their lives
And I won’t get to say goodbye

Trapped in the Southern parts of town
While they all live in the North
It means I won’t be able to say goodbye
Before they pull up stakes and leave

I won’t be able to to tell them how they changed me
How she made me better
How he made me smile
How they kept me happy
I can’t give them all hugs
With tears streaking my cheeks
And watch them drive off to start life anew

They won’t leave my eyes
No matter how much I want them to
I want them to streak my cracked cheeks
So that I can forget the sorrow that caused them
I want to forget why I need to cry
But no tears appear
No matter how hard I will them
So I sit here
Wishing I could cry

I stare at the shards on the ground
The dulled blue, green, and red sinking into the spreading coffee
I stare as my finger bleeds

I remember when I found it
At the warehouse sale for a discontinued show
I saw it and new it had to be mine
That was many years ago
Since I used it every chance I get

My favorite mug
Brown with blue green and red squares
Circling around the rim
The handle fit my hand perfectly
The cup just large enough for a morning coffee

I stare at the pieces on the ground
“Same”
I whisper

Here I am at the end
Stuck in a house with only my parents
We can’t go out to celebrate
Two major points in my life

I’m graduating in two weeks
The feeling is unreal
I’m finally done with school
But who would’ve thought I’d be so heartbroken
For years we ***** and moan
Thinking of every excuse not to go
Until the time comes when you’re supposed to walk across the stage
And you want nothing more than to go back

A week later is my birthday
And I’m stuck at home
Without even a friend to come visit

Two milestones
And nobody to share it with

There’s a mystery behind these words
“Tomorrow, can we talk?”
Do they wish to tell me secrets
Or do they just want to tell me
Once again
“I got head”
Do they wish to tell me that they’re not happy
Something I’ve known for weeks now
Tomorrow I’ll find out
But the mystery of the words lives on

I’m rambling
Because I need to
But I can’t ramble with those I normally would
So I will with you
But who said you want to read my rambles?
Who said that what I’m going through is more important— important enough to be read?
Why am I writing this? Will it be— is it what I need— what I feel I need to be accepted— heard— just to be?
What am I doing this for? I was told it was nice to just write
But all it reveals is more pain
Scratching old woulds open
So I sit “bleeding out”
And I can’t stop it
What am I doing this for? ******* it
What is the ******* point?
Why the **** is this **** happening? WHAT THE ****
All I can do is sit as my ******* life falls apart
But it’s not just about me
I know I need to be about me every once in a while but how can I
I feel like I’m not worth it to be worked up over
But here I am
******* anxious because I didn’t care about myself enough
****
I miss last year when none of this **** happened
When all I had to ******* worry about was whether my parents would find out why I was skipping chemistry
Even though I ******* aced that class
Not showing up for a month
And I still aced that final
******* it... no... just stop talking about that
Nobody ******* cares
Nobody cares
And I’m alone— I FEEL alone
People are here for me
People are there... but I can’t... tell them ****
I need someone here
I need my person to be here. In my room. And we could just talk and talk and talk
I need human connection
I’m need people
Xudhdhujsdjeudj!
Dudnxumeisjdksojdidujddudud!
Rudhdrjxensj­dinrjxudnenisnzm!
God ******* **** it why can’t **** just get fixed!
Why aren’t I happy?
why aren’t i happy?

I have a story to tell
But the words don’t sound right in my head
When I think about the story though
Scenes fly by
deep conversations take place
Exploring complex existential ideas
Figuring out who I am through my writing
But there I’m vulnerable
So I tell myself it doesn’t look right
Save myself the pain of finding out who I really am
Of sharing myself with the world
And being rejected by just one person
Because I try my hardest to be liked
Work my personality to the bone
And when people ask me why
I say because I want to be accepted. No. I want to be loved
But I never feel like I’ll get there
So I write those feelings in short little stories
But tell myself they don’t look right
And throw them away
Little parts of myself, discarded like the **** I feel like

How long will we all be separated
Connected only by screens and internet that gets ******* daily
How long until we can go outside
And talk to each other like normal people
How long until I can feel the grass beneath my feet
Walking through the park
How long will we not be able to see each other’s unobstructed faces
Without fear of dying
How long until we can leave?

I learned something in my relationship
I learned it’s the small things I love
The flirting
The hand holding
The laying on a bed together
Sure I miss the kisses
The support
The affection I was shown
But I don’t miss the big things
The things people define relationships on
I prefer to just be together

I need something to help forget the pain
All of my friends scattering over the country
And I’m stuck here
I won’t even get to see them go
I need something to forget the pain
Of knowing they’re leaving without saying goodbye
I’m gonna miss them when they’re gone
And there’s nothing I can do