I wish I had someone
Someone to hold and share a blanket
As we look up to the stars
Listening
Living

I wake up
Take the dog
Go to school and see my fabulous friends
We talk and work then after I go see my boyfriend
We all spend time together,
Promising we won’t let one another feel alone
I feel bliss as I feel his arms wrap around me
Nuzzling his face in my neck
I go to kiss him,
And I wake up
It was all a dream
And I realize how alone I am

I almost caught myself
Asking someone to come and change me
To make me who I’m not
Because I need to be someone else
Then I realized, only 3 more months
Then I can be who I am
Without having to hide it from anyone

We were more than a school
We were a community
We supported each other
We brought each other back when we were upset
We challenged everyone to think more, think harder

We were more than classmates and teachers
We were family
We cared when someone said they had a problem
We helped when we could
We made each other better, brighter

We were more than students
We were teachers
And I miss it more every minute

Demos I say,
YOU KNOW!

I thought friends would cure the poison in my veins
Instead they seemed to leach it from my body
Taking it in themselves
Until it changes them
And the poison returns
Ready for me to introduce new victims
All I can hope for is that one carries a cure

A purple house sits on the corner
A tree grows from the back yard
A grey trimmed porch wraps around
The bright golden mailbox full of mail
A deep blue door like a portal to the stars
The driveway where her car sits with popped tires
She approaches the house
The steps still cracked from where he fell
As the police tackled him
She opens the door still scratched from
When he had came at her with the
So she threw the lamp
Walking around she runs her hands along the walls
Where he pinned her while she tried to run
The couch in the middle of the room
Still soaked with blood where she clawed him
Tears streaming down her face
Down the hallway
Where holes in the wall marked where he tried to stab her
To the bedroom where he tried to smother her
For the pain had grown too much

Ndndkdjdnebybd
My xbdjjd brain jdjdjejdhgi
Is dikejrj just diduuwba a jxjdbej
Mess fijdndidien of ueuqkndigifn randomness
Xijebsuxbenn but dujeb I’m fkdjebxu jxjdb
Told zihehdn someone dndih will xjdjebu make kfifj
It kdkej clearer ifuwhsy euhebek someday
Kfifjejdu until ududbe then
Dyhe jdjdjdii pay dudj no mind furjbwjs to
My jfuby yshsbdram rambling

Tú estás mi todo
Te amo tú
Tú estás mi todo
No puedo pensar
Sin pensar sobre tú
A tú
Yo estoy tu amigo
Pero
Quiero a ser más
Te amo tú
Me amas?

Have you noticed that the ones wearing a mask
Avoiding leaving the house
Not talking to people
Are the ones who need to?
We haven’t left
Save for protesting against inequity in our world
Because we need this to be over
We need to be able to leave
Without worrying about harming those around us
We are the ones that never talked
That now have something to say
We are the ones that never went outside
That now want to experience the world
We are the ones that need our friends
That now can’t talk to them without a ******* phone
We are the ones that need help
That we can’t reach
We put on the mask so that this ends
We seldom leave so that this ends
We keep minimizing our lives so that you can live yours, but you can’t do the same?

Same routine everyday
1) see the world try to free itself from tyranny
2) scroll through countless apps
3) actually get out of bed at 12:00
4) watch Netflix while playing Scrabble
5) eat
6) play video games
7) eat
8) water/ mow lawn and garden
9) scroll through social media until 3 AM
10) sleep and repeat

Why do people go to find love?
Do they really feel that it’s worth the breakup
To be feeling like **** for days — sometimes weeks
Just for a short time of happiness?

Thank you to all who have helped me grow
Thank you to all who have given me struggle
Thank you to all who have believed in me
When I didn’t believe in myself
Thank you for giving me strength
Thank you for showing me my mistakes
Thank you for yelling at me
Thank you everyone I ever knew
For teaching me about a piece of myself
I may not have even known was there
And to most of those I’ve fought with,
I’m sorry
To most of those who wronged me,
It’s okay

Thank you to all of you
I’m sorry to most of you
And I am trying to move on
To become someone new
Because I don’t like where I have ended up
Let’s find out where my road leads

“Hands down
This is the best day
I can
Ever remember
Always remember
The sound of the stereo
Dim of the soft lights
Scent of her hair
That
She twirled in her fingers
and
the time on the clock”
But I’ll only remember
If I can ask
Why can’t I ask

...

















But the silence says everything

I haven’t heard from you in more than a week
And not that we talked everyday
But we did talk often so...
Are you okay?
Please...
Both Damon and I are worried
Let us know that you’re alive...

“Supposed to be a happy new year!”
But then why does it feel even more depressing than the last one
Happy New Years

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But your words drove me to use them

I want to destroy everything from our relationship
But I can’t
There’s nothing to destroy
The only thing I have are the rings sitting behind my painting
And a series of texts from when we went to the park together
I still remember
We went to **** Creek
Named for the taste of **** in the river
I still haven’t gone back
Because I know I’ll run into the two of you
And I can’t deal with that right now
It’s been two months
I’m trying to forget you
And as tears stream down my face I wish I had something
Anything
To destroy
But I can’t, because there’s nothing to destroy

A chill flows through your veins
A smell bitterer than cigarette smoke
A taste sourer than a thousand lemons
A deep black and red that blinds your vision
That hard “t” at the end lingering in your ears
A monster that forms at the slightest dissatisfaction
The slightest opportunity missed
Beating you until two more take its place

Science says
“You need 9 or more hours of sleep a night
To stay healthy,
Refreshed,
Happy,
And acute”

School says
“**** it! Start at 8:00 AM!
Run for 7 hours!
Give ‘em another 3 hours of homework a class!
They can take it!
Who needs sleep?
Who needs friends?”

We say
“**** it! Who needs sleep? Who needs homework?
We need to be experiencing life!
We need to figure out who we are!
Figure out what we want to do with our lives!
We need to explore our minds!
We need to find out how to deal with emotions!
We need to know how to be mentally stable
And how to prepare for life!”

School says
“*******!
You’ll learn how to be depressed,
Sleep deprived,
Automatons!
You’ll learn how Shakespeare wrote great plays!
You won’t read any though,
You’ll be too busy solving math you’ll never use!
No time for that though!
You’ll need to know in life that atoms have rings
These rings have electr—
What’s that?
Oh! Time to learn how to buy a home!
Just kidding! Taxes? Ha! Won’t need ‘em!
Here, take a test on things you didn’t learn!
You failed?
That means you ****!”

We moan, groan, complaining about how we have no time
“We want sleep!
We want lives!
We want to see the world!”

“Well *******!”

Behind a frame hanging on my bedroom wall
Are those letters, the ones I never sent
Folded nicely into an old Altoid tin
Packed with the rings and an old lighter
Behind that frame is a whole other life
I read those letters
Thinking of how mad I was
How much I changed
How lucky I am she forgave my harsh words
I tried on the rings and they fit just the same as they had almost exactly a year ago
*******, that was a year ago
A year ago Friday I took those rings
A year ago Friday I had my first kiss
A year ago next Saturday I had my heart broken
And words started flying from pen to paper
Behind the frame is another life
One I look back on in wonder and curiosity
Behind the frame is a box with two rings and two letters never sent
And I’m glad I didn’t

I just told her
We were standing in the kitchen
Light shining through the big window in the living room
Boxes still piled on our table from the move
She just stood there, stirring the mac n cheese

“When did... when did you know?”
The question I expected
But I still didn’t have an answer
“I just knew”
My voice quivered as she turned to face me
My sister’s kind eyes growing softer
“How... has anything happened?”
I told her everything
About Kiera, Jaben, Anna
I told her about things I had never said aloud

When I finished talking she stood silently
“Who else knows?”
“Nobody”
She poured the pasta into bowls
Dug out utensils from the cluttered kitchen drawer and started eating
We moved on
The room silent, save for the light clinking of spoons on ceramic

“Did I tell you about who I’m dating?”
She asked, grasping for something to talk about
“No, you didn’t”
And we went on
Like I had never said anything at all

If a picture is worth a thousand words
Why can I only think of three when I see one of you?

Welcome to the Day of Silence
A peek into our life
A life where we can’t speak the truth
About something as simple as ourselves
About who we truly are
Try it
Stay silent all day
Think about how hard it is
Welcome to our lives

I need to stop watching people’s stories
It’s all the same
Party here, party there
Nothing I was invited to
Even if I know everyone there
Here I am at home on my Saturday night
Same as last week
Same as next week

How long will we all be separated
Connected only by screens and internet that gets ******* daily
How long until we can go outside
And talk to each other like normal people
How long until I can feel the grass beneath my feet
Walking through the park
How long will we not be able to see each other’s unobstructed faces
Without fear of dying
How long until we can leave?

Writing would help the pain go away
Or at least, that’s what I’ve been told
But really,
All it did was reopen wounds long healed
Given me a place to turn bitter
Giving me a place to ***** about this and that
“Why didn’t he like me?”
“Why did she say no?”
People are facing real problems
And here I am
******* about why I’m not happy
Even though there are much bigger problems around

What if something didn’t happen?
Pick a poem I have written
And I’ll write a story where the events in it
Never happened
Where the feelings were never felt
Or maybe where I never met someone
Your choice

What happens
When your go to venterater
Needs to be venterated?
Who do they talk to
When all they know
Is how to listen?
Who can talk?

It’s 2016 again
I’m in 8th grade
The last time I was truly myself
— Truly happy—

Standing at that desk
Just talking to my old best friend, Nick,
Though he went by Nicky then
About the sound of one hand clapping
The election, and how ****** up Trump is
Our plans to hang out and play D&D over the weekend

Ms. Johnson, my favorite teacher, walking in with her tea
The brown liquid perfectly poured into a clear glass mug
Tom raises his hand
“Ms. J, are you drinking whiskey?”
We all laugh at the preposterous question
And we go on with our day

English, math, history, science, PE, and Spanish
The classes fly by
Tristian and I go to my house
Sit in front of the Tv and play Mario Bros
Not a care in the world
Homework could wait until tomorrow

When he leaves I start prepping for tomorrow’s game
My parents come home and cook dinner
My sister emerges from her room to eat
We watch a show
And I go to bed

Things were simpler then
Things were better then
Can we go back?

Today’s the day
I move the tassel left
I get the paper in my hand saying it’s over
Today’s the day we wait for 13 years to see
Every one is excited, but I feel empty
Today’s the day
I leave every I knew behind
The schedule I dreaded following is now over
And I can only wonder
What now?
Today’s the day
I made jokes about how happy I would be today
Yet sadness takes over as I realize
I may never see these classmates—these friends— again
Today’s the day
And I want to go back

Today I saw friends I haven’t seen in months
Getting our caps and gowns
A day long awaited
But now that it’s here I wish I could go back

Today we spent hours breaking “quarantine”
I talked to people I barely know
And we hugged as we realized that it would be the last chance
We walked up through the blooming roses
Sat at a gazebo and you smoked
I thought it was intoxicating enough just to see you

Today may be the last time we see each other
And today is the memory I wanted
One where cliques and bad relationships didn’t get in the way of us spending time together
Class of 2020 relaxing in the shade
Sun beating down on the trees around the park

We rejoiced that we were done
We were graduates
We were family

We celebrated all the fire alarms
The teachers
The students
The dumb classes we were forced to take
We celebrated it all

We may not have had a ceremony
But we could still celebrate together

JHS Class of 2020
While we may not have loved every moment
Every moment made us
And for that I thank you

Here I am at the end
Stuck in a house with only my parents
We can’t go out to celebrate
Two major points in my life

I’m graduating in two weeks
The feeling is unreal
I’m finally done with school
But who would’ve thought I’d be so heartbroken
For years we ***** and moan
Thinking of every excuse not to go
Until the time comes when you’re supposed to walk across the stage
And you want nothing more than to go back

A week later is my birthday
And I’m stuck at home
Without even a friend to come visit

Two milestones
And nobody to share it with

I need something to help forget the pain
All of my friends scattering over the country
And I’m stuck here
I won’t even get to see them go
I need something to forget the pain
Of knowing they’re leaving without saying goodbye
I’m gonna miss them when they’re gone
And there’s nothing I can do

You are my everything
I love you
You are my everything
I can’t think
Without thinking about you
To you
I am a friend
But
I love you
Do you love me?

I have nothing to do now
Everyday the same
Wake up at noon
Eat
Play video games
Eat again
Play some more
Sleep at 4 am

When will I  be allowed back outside
Allowed to speak face to face
With someone I’m not related to?
I’ve done all I can here
I’ve grown bored indoors
All I want is to leave

Give me something to do
So I have something to write

I’m me
A 17 year old, bisexual man
Just because I have long hair
Just because I paint my nails
That’s no excuse to tell me
“I think you’re going into the wrong bathroom”
Or ask me
“Are you shopping for your boyfriend?”
When I walk into a store
I’m me
And I don’t care what you believe
Just don’t yell at me about something as trivial as which bathroom I use
Because I’m a man
I’ve known that for 17 years
Just because I’m bi
I’m no less a man

I want to write a book
Make me into a story
Sprinkle in some laughter
Some happiness
Take out the hate that became last spring
But how do I write the truth
Without being able to admit my pain to myself
I am human, sure
But I’m more
I need to know
Who am I?

I’m a tangle of words
A mess of quotes
Lyrics
Jokes
Sarcasm
All written together into a script
Into the shape of a person
Whenever I speak
A piece of me comes off
Never to be seen again

In the late hours of the night
The sky dark and cloudy
Lit only by a thin slice of moon
Rain taps against my window

I open it, inviting the intoxicating aroma of fresh fallen rain
As I sit there listening to the tapping
My brain begins to churn out thoughts
Ruining an otherwise perfect moment

The wind rustles the 100 year old tree in my yard
And all I can think of is all I’ve done wrong
A faint rustle of wind and rain hitting the pine needles
and I hear whispers of memories of people I’ve wronged
Until I realize that it’s all in my head

In the late hours of the night I think and remember
But all I need to do is move on

You told me
“Take the class
Show up once a week
Do four hours of work
In forty five minutes.”
I said
“Okay”
And we shook
I knew it wouldn’t work
Taking two classes
Scheduled for the same time
I wanted to drop it
You forced me not to
Here we are
Nine weeks later
I’m failing the class
You wouldn’t let me drop
And now you tell me
My only choices are to fail
To fail
Or to fail
You set me up for failure
When you should’ve set me for success.
*******

I’m trapped in this house
Day in day out
All I see are the same four walls
The same two people
Every ******* day

Nothing to fill my time 5 days a week
The other two I spend talking to the same people
Hoping we have something new to say
But we never do

I fill my time with frustrating lines of code
Never doing what I say
Because of one misplaced semicolon
Slowly going insane
Insaner

Everyday the once large house grows smaller
As I get the diploma
Turn 18
And I can’t leave
I can’t do ****

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Give me something— anything— other to do
I need something
please

They say that if you need to know about love
Ask a poet
They’re supposed to know all about it
But how can I know everything
About something
That I’ve only experienced once?

They won’t leave my eyes
No matter how much I want them to
I want them to streak my cracked cheeks
So that I can forget the sorrow that caused them
I want to forget why I need to cry
But no tears appear
No matter how hard I will them
So I sit here
Wishing I could cry

I used to be fun
I wouldn’t complain about life
Just wonder when it would be my turn to be happy
I was fake happy
At least for a short time
I would laugh, cry, make jokes
I had friends
Then I met him
I changed
I didn’t think I had, but I did
And I changed for him

I never used to cut school
But I did it to be with him
We’d drive around
We’d go to the beach
We’d get food
We’d just go — be anywhere but school
I never used to steal
But last week I took expensive things from stores
I never used to smoke
But here I am, waiting for that next high
I changed for him
And I don’t like who I’ve become
I wish I could go back

I changed for him
No matter how much I didn’t think I did
But now
Instead of quotes
I speak original lines
Instead of jokes
I complain about him and her
Instead of being happy
I’m scared
I’m scared of who I am
And of what happened to me

Who am I?

I never have a steady stream of inspiration
I rarely see things worth writing about anymore
But every now and then
I look at the stars and wonder
“What if..?”

They’re all leaving
Going off to college and to work
To live their lives
And I won’t get to say goodbye

Trapped in the Southern parts of town
While they all live in the North
It means I won’t be able to say goodbye
Before they pull up stakes and leave

I won’t be able to to tell them how they changed me
How she made me better
How he made me smile
How they kept me happy
I can’t give them all hugs
With tears streaking my cheeks
And watch them drive off to start life anew

I stare at the shards on the ground
The dulled blue, green, and red sinking into the spreading coffee
I stare as my finger bleeds

I remember when I found it
At the warehouse sale for a discontinued show
I saw it and new it had to be mine
That was many years ago
Since I used it every chance I get

My favorite mug
Brown with blue green and red squares
Circling around the rim
The handle fit my hand perfectly
The cup just large enough for a morning coffee

I stare at the pieces on the ground
“Same”
I whisper

Just once I’d like to her a goodnight sleep
One empty of panic attacks
Worrying about how to pay for college
Or what I have to do before graduation,
Hell even something like whether to go to prom or not
It’s all happening at once
Here I am
About to be an adult
No clue what’ll happen next
I just hope someone will catch me when I fall
I just need a goodnight sleep
And hopefully these worries go away