You are my everything
I love you
You are my everything
I can’t think
Without thinking about you
To you
I am a friend
But
I love you
Do you love me?

I won’t have that moment
When I walk across the stage
Looking out at the audience
Searching for the faces of my family

I won’t hear my aunts yell out
“Whoooooeeeeeee” when I grab my diploma
I won’t be able to thank my principal
I won’t be able to see my closest friends
As they do the same

I won’t have the moment
When I walk out to the auditorium
Where I’m blinded by the lights
That pave my way to the future

I won’t have my moment
When I realize
Who I’ve become

Dark brown dripping into the ***
Plinking on the glass container
Steam streaming into the room
Filling the air with the bitter, delicious scent
Each drip closer to being ready
Drip, drip, drip

I used to be fun
I wouldn’t complain about life
Just wonder when it would be my turn to be happy
I was fake happy
At least for a short time
I would laugh, cry, make jokes
I had friends
Then I met him
I changed
I didn’t think I had, but I did
And I changed for him

I never used to cut school
But I did it to be with him
We’d drive around
We’d go to the beach
We’d get food
We’d just go — be anywhere but school
I never used to steal
But last week I took expensive things from stores
I never used to smoke
But here I am, waiting for that next high
I changed for him
And I don’t like who I’ve become
I wish I could go back

I changed for him
No matter how much I didn’t think I did
But now
Instead of quotes
I speak original lines
Instead of jokes
I complain about him and her
Instead of being happy
I’m scared
I’m scared of who I am
And of what happened to me

Who am I?

He sat at the bar
She sat next to him
They talked and drank till closing
He asked her back to his place
She declined and took a cab home

The next night he sat at the bar
She walked in
They had a laugh and a drink
He asked her back to his place
She declined and took a cab home

The next night she walked in
And he was gone
She asked if the bartender had seen him
He said “not tonight”
She had a drink and waited
After an hour he hadn’t shown up
She took a cab home
A man was sitting on her porch
A bouquet of roses drooped in his hand

“How did you know where I lived?”
“You took a cab” he explains
“When you told him your address
I wrote it down
Because there’s no way in hell I’ll let you,
The prettiest woman,
Walk away without trying
So here I am,
Dinner?”
He held out his hand
She took it and pulled him inside

I thought friends would cure the poison in my veins
Instead they seemed to leach it from my body
Taking it in themselves
Until it changes them
And the poison returns
Ready for me to introduce new victims
All I can hope for is that one carries a cure

Those three words were all Grampa said to him
As the classic car glided down the road
Grampa looked over at his 5 year old boy
And motioned for him to sit on his lap
“Spirit’s what you need in this world kid
Otherwise you’ll crumble faster than a paper in the rain”
The kid took the wheel, driving faster and faster

Eleven years later
Grampa gave him a box
“Take good care of her
And remember, keep your spirit”
That night Grampa welcomed the icy grip of death

On his gravestone were the words
Spirit’s all you need to survive, keep it safe
Resting on top were photos
The car driving down the same road
The boy behind the wheel growing into a man

Eleven years later
The man drove to the cemetery
Tears streaming down his face
“She left me, Grampa
And I know I only need spirit
But I need you more
I need you to tell me that it okay
That I don’t need her
I need you to tell me what to do”
He sat there crying over his Grampa’s grave

He drove home
To the house in the middle of nowhere
The house his Grampa built
Sitting empty save a few boxes
He climbed the wooden ladder to his treehouse
He sat with a picture of his kind faced Grampa
Tears streaking his cheeks
He walks over to the chest he kept his toys in when he was a boy
Digging out old cars
Army men
And yo-yos
Till he reached the bottom
His toys surrounding him he noticed something
The chest had a fake board in the bottom

He pulled it up to find a note etched into it
I won’t always be there for you
But know this
It will all be fine in the end
Keep your spirit, for that is all you need
I love you
He climbed out
Got in the classic car
And drove
Hoping someday it would all work out

Everyday he passes by her door
Never gaining the courage to knock
The name on the mailbox-
C. Angeles-
Left him with a smile
But everyday when he passed, he saw her
Long hair billowing,
Smile intoxicating,
Eyes laughing
He realized he never had a chance

Everyday the same boy walked past her gate
Jet black hair,
Eyes the color of the sea,
Lips like a rose
Notes he dropped named him J. Lawrs
Everyday when he stopped
She waived, but he never saw

He sits alone in the living room
Flipping through books from his childhood
And sees her
Angeles
He used to pass by her everyday
Thought she was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen
A scrap from a newspaper falls out
It rests on his shoe
“Christin Angeles- Dead at 29 from accident”
A note scrawled beneath
“Next time, don’t wait.”

His wife enters the room
Looking over his shoulder she says
“Who was that?”
“Someone I wished I’d talked to”

This post is nothing cute
No poetic devices or drawn out lines
I just need a hug and have nobody to ask but you

“I’m sorry, we have to let you go.”
“It’s fine
I understand”
“When there are no diners, there’s no need for a dishwasher”
“I get it. See you around.”
I want to cry as I walk through the restaurant doors
My glasses fogging as I take a shaky breath
****. What now?

Today I saw friends I haven’t seen in months
Getting our caps and gowns
A day long awaited
But now that it’s here I wish I could go back

Today we spent hours breaking “quarantine”
I talked to people I barely know
And we hugged as we realized that it would be the last chance
We walked up through the blooming roses
Sat at a gazebo and you smoked
I thought it was intoxicating enough just to see you

Today may be the last time we see each other
And today is the memory I wanted
One where cliques and bad relationships didn’t get in the way of us spending time together
Class of 2020 relaxing in the shade
Sun beating down on the trees around the park

We rejoiced that we were done
We were graduates
We were family

We celebrated all the fire alarms
The teachers
The students
The dumb classes we were forced to take
We celebrated it all

We may not have had a ceremony
But we could still celebrate together

JHS Class of 2020
While we may not have loved every moment
Every moment made us
And for that I thank you

We live in a world where people are killed
Based on the color of their skin
We live in a world where people live on the streets
Because they were evicted for no reason
We live in a world where people can’t report crimes
Without fear of being deported
We live in a world where people are afraid to speak
Because they fear that they’ll be told their lying
We live in a world where people would rather commit suicide
Than admit that they’re attracted to the same gender
Or because they don’t feel right in their body
We live in a world where someone seeking a better life
Is detained because someone thought they should be

The world is broken
We have to fight to fix it

They say that if you need to know about love
Ask a poet
They’re supposed to know all about it
But how can I know everything
About something
That I’ve only experienced once?

I almost caught myself
Asking someone to come and change me
To make me who I’m not
Because I need to be someone else
Then I realized, only 3 more months
Then I can be who I am
Without having to hide it from anyone

I’m sorry for—
****. What am I apologizing for?
For being me?
**** that
I’m sorry that you don’t like me
I’m not apologizing for ****
******* for making me feel like it’s my fault for just being me

I’ve been isolated from the world
Nobody but my family to talk to
And they don’t know **** about me

I need to tell them, I want to tell them
But I’d have nowhere to run if I needed

I’ve been isolated
Keeping to my video games and created worlds
Exploring until the repetition sets in

I need something to do
But there’s nothing around

I’ve been isolated
Kept from my friends and my people
Wishing I could talk face to face

I need to talk to one of them, explain everything
But they ignore my texts, snaps, and dms

I’ve been isolated
Listening to my brain say that I’m not worth ****
With nobody to tell me otherwise

I need an embrace to calm my anxieties
But we’ve been banned from touching

I’ve been isolated
And most people are leaving and hanging out
Meeting with friends like it’s a normal ******* day

I NEED OUT
BUT YOU ******* CAN’T STAY INSIDE
LONG ENOUGH TO LET THE *******
VIRUS DIE

We’ve been isolated
but nobody gives a ****

I’m me
A 17 year old, bisexual man
Just because I have long hair
Just because I paint my nails
That’s no excuse to tell me
“I think you’re going into the wrong bathroom”
Or ask me
“Are you shopping for your boyfriend?”
When I walk into a store
I’m me
And I don’t care what you believe
Just don’t yell at me about something as trivial as which bathroom I use
Because I’m a man
I’ve known that for 17 years
Just because I’m bi
I’m no less a man

“Too many questions” Aughra said
She can’t answer mine
But I may be able to answer yours
Ask away

It’s 2016 again
I’m in 8th grade
The last time I was truly myself
— Truly happy—

Standing at that desk
Just talking to my old best friend, Nick,
Though he went by Nicky then
About the sound of one hand clapping
The election, and how ****** up Trump is
Our plans to hang out and play D&D over the weekend

Ms. Johnson, my favorite teacher, walking in with her tea
The brown liquid perfectly poured into a clear glass mug
Tom raises his hand
“Ms. J, are you drinking whiskey?”
We all laugh at the preposterous question
And we go on with our day

English, math, history, science, PE, and Spanish
The classes fly by
Tristian and I go to my house
Sit in front of the Tv and play Mario Bros
Not a care in the world
Homework could wait until tomorrow

When he leaves I start prepping for tomorrow’s game
My parents come home and cook dinner
My sister emerges from her room to eat
We watch a show
And I go to bed

Things were simpler then
Things were better then
Can we go back?

Here we are
Another Friday full of parties
And I’m all alone
Sitting on my couch with my phone and my thoughts
And all I can think of is a single question:
Who the **** did I *******?

I see story after story
Post after post
Of people eating drinking and being merry,
People I know
People I thought would invite me to ****
Yet here I am alone
And my thoughts grow darker the more my screen lights up
And all I can wonder is
Why am I alone?

I am utterly and completely alone
No amount of jokes or conversation will change that
I guess some cosmic being said “**** him”
And wandered off
Leaving me to fend off giants of depression
With but a few witty remarks
But it’s too strong
And as it beats me people stand by and watch
Because I’m damaged goods now
And I don’t deserve any ******* help
No matter how much I plead
And I ask over and over
Why won’t you do something?
Why are you just standing there?

The beast holds me down
Pushing me deep into the earth
And people watch from the edge of the crater depression made
As I claw and struggle to free myself from its grasp
And I give up
Because no matter how much I try
How much I beg
What jokes I make
I can’t win alone
And nobody’s there to help

I have nothing to do now
Everyday the same
Wake up at noon
Eat
Play video games
Eat again
Play some more
Sleep at 4 am

When will I  be allowed back outside
Allowed to speak face to face
With someone I’m not related to?
I’ve done all I can here
I’ve grown bored indoors
All I want is to leave

Give me something to do
So I have something to write

He told me to forget him
He’s moving away
So I have to move on
Kind of hard to forget
When all I want to do
Is remembered every kiss
Every cuddle
Every stroke of every hand on mine
But I have to forget
I know I do

...






I really don’t know where to begin
Life *****, I guess
I don’t know
...
...
...
Is there anything left to say?

Same routine everyday
1) see the world try to free itself from tyranny
2) scroll through countless apps
3) actually get out of bed at 12:00
4) watch Netflix while playing Scrabble
5) eat
6) play video games
7) eat
8) water/ mow lawn and garden
9) scroll through social media until 3 AM
10) sleep and repeat

I feel lost in a world I’ve known my whole life
Turning in circles
Watching people navigate twisted intertwined paths
Shoved to new places every time I open my eyes

No time to get my bearings
The waters of adulting flood the maze of life
Sink or swim
I can’t make it
My strength is failing
As I slip under the waves I can only hope I can fight my way back up

No strength left I slowly sink lower
The light from the sky above fading
Sobbing muffled and distorted through water
My breath is running out
And I can’t get out of the water
Which way is up?

I’m drowning and nobody notices
Lost in this maze where I can’t even tell up from down

Will anyone save me in time?

It’s four months later
And I still remember that dream
The one where I ****** a friend
While we were in a park in downtown
Because we both needed it

I still remember the words we spoke
The sound of the birds fluttering through trees
The feeling of the cold air breezing through our hair
The taste of his mouth inside mine
I still remember the time of day as we stared into each other’s eyes

I don’t know why I remember
It feels like torment though
To remember so vividly
Just driving my lust

It’s been four months
I still haven’t told him about it
Not because I’m afraid of his reaction
But because he’s happy
And he doesn’t need me to **** his life

In the late hours of the night
The sky dark and cloudy
Lit only by a thin slice of moon
Rain taps against my window

I open it, inviting the intoxicating aroma of fresh fallen rain
As I sit there listening to the tapping
My brain begins to churn out thoughts
Ruining an otherwise perfect moment

The wind rustles the 100 year old tree in my yard
And all I can think of is all I’ve done wrong
A faint rustle of wind and rain hitting the pine needles
and I hear whispers of memories of people I’ve wronged
Until I realize that it’s all in my head

In the late hours of the night I think and remember
But all I need to do is move on

Today’s the day
I move the tassel left
I get the paper in my hand saying it’s over
Today’s the day we wait for 13 years to see
Every one is excited, but I feel empty
Today’s the day
I leave every I knew behind
The schedule I dreaded following is now over
And I can only wonder
What now?
Today’s the day
I made jokes about how happy I would be today
Yet sadness takes over as I realize
I may never see these classmates—these friends— again
Today’s the day
And I want to go back

How long will we all be separated
Connected only by screens and internet that gets ******* daily
How long until we can go outside
And talk to each other like normal people
How long until I can feel the grass beneath my feet
Walking through the park
How long will we not be able to see each other’s unobstructed faces
Without fear of dying
How long until we can leave?

Science says
“You need 9 or more hours of sleep a night
To stay healthy,
Refreshed,
Happy,
And acute”

School says
“**** it! Start at 8:00 AM!
Run for 7 hours!
Give ‘em another 3 hours of homework a class!
They can take it!
Who needs sleep?
Who needs friends?”

We say
“**** it! Who needs sleep? Who needs homework?
We need to be experiencing life!
We need to figure out who we are!
Figure out what we want to do with our lives!
We need to explore our minds!
We need to find out how to deal with emotions!
We need to know how to be mentally stable
And how to prepare for life!”

School says
“*******!
You’ll learn how to be depressed,
Sleep deprived,
Automatons!
You’ll learn how Shakespeare wrote great plays!
You won’t read any though,
You’ll be too busy solving math you’ll never use!
No time for that though!
You’ll need to know in life that atoms have rings
These rings have electr—
What’s that?
Oh! Time to learn how to buy a home!
Just kidding! Taxes? Ha! Won’t need ‘em!
Here, take a test on things you didn’t learn!
You failed?
That means you ****!”

We moan, groan, complaining about how we have no time
“We want sleep!
We want lives!
We want to see the world!”

“Well *******!”

Never again will I walk those halls
Trying to bypass the large groups of students
So that I’m not late for class

Never again will I see Mr. Edwards
Attempting to teach a new set of words every day
Before teaching us professional video production

Never again will I walk into the Middle College office
Just to play a game
Or help solve people’s problems
While skipping the one class I have to take

I won’t get those moments again
And I didn’t know the last time would be the last

If I did
I would’ve walked slower
I would’ve listened closer
I would’ve thought harder
I would’ve helped more

What I would give to wake up tomorrow
If tomorrow were back in 2016
The first day of high school
Where I decided who I was going to be
If only I knew what would happen
I would’ve taken more chances
I would’ve done more

What I would give to have a chance to do it again
To sit in those cold plastic chairs at 8 in the morning
It felt like torture
But it really was better than my life now
Cause at least then I had a chance to make myself into something

Honestly I would have done most of it the same
I mean, I would’ve been more social
I would’nt’ve tried so hard to fit in
And I would have been more impulsive
But I would fail in the same classes
Join the same clubs
Go the same places
Because the mistakes made me more than success

What I would give to have a chance to do it again
So that I didn’t become a disappointment

“Supposed to be a happy new year!”
But then why does it feel even more depressing than the last one
Happy New Years

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But your words drove me to use them

Here I am at the end
Stuck in a house with only my parents
We can’t go out to celebrate
Two major points in my life

I’m graduating in two weeks
The feeling is unreal
I’m finally done with school
But who would’ve thought I’d be so heartbroken
For years we ***** and moan
Thinking of every excuse not to go
Until the time comes when you’re supposed to walk across the stage
And you want nothing more than to go back

A week later is my birthday
And I’m stuck at home
Without even a friend to come visit

Two milestones
And nobody to share it with

A **** fruit awaits
If only you can get past my thorns

I stare at the shards on the ground
The dulled blue, green, and red sinking into the spreading coffee
I stare as my finger bleeds

I remember when I found it
At the warehouse sale for a discontinued show
I saw it and new it had to be mine
That was many years ago
Since I used it every chance I get

My favorite mug
Brown with blue green and red squares
Circling around the rim
The handle fit my hand perfectly
The cup just large enough for a morning coffee

I stare at the pieces on the ground
“Same”
I whisper

I have a story to tell
But the words don’t sound right in my head
When I think about the story though
Scenes fly by
deep conversations take place
Exploring complex existential ideas
Figuring out who I am through my writing
But there I’m vulnerable
So I tell myself it doesn’t look right
Save myself the pain of finding out who I really am
Of sharing myself with the world
And being rejected by just one person
Because I try my hardest to be liked
Work my personality to the bone
And when people ask me why
I say because I want to be accepted. No. I want to be loved
But I never feel like I’ll get there
So I write those feelings in short little stories
But tell myself they don’t look right
And throw them away
Little parts of myself, discarded like the **** I feel like

They won’t leave my eyes
No matter how much I want them to
I want them to streak my cracked cheeks
So that I can forget the sorrow that caused them
I want to forget why I need to cry
But no tears appear
No matter how hard I will them
So I sit here
Wishing I could cry

We were more than a school
We were a community
We supported each other
We brought each other back when we were upset
We challenged everyone to think more, think harder

We were more than classmates and teachers
We were family
We cared when someone said they had a problem
We helped when we could
We made each other better, brighter

We were more than students
We were teachers
And I miss it more every minute

Demos I say,
YOU KNOW!

I’m rambling
Because I need to
But I can’t ramble with those I normally would
So I will with you
But who said you want to read my rambles?
Who said that what I’m going through is more important— important enough to be read?
Why am I writing this? Will it be— is it what I need— what I feel I need to be accepted— heard— just to be?
What am I doing this for? I was told it was nice to just write
But all it reveals is more pain
Scratching old woulds open
So I sit “bleeding out”
And I can’t stop it
What am I doing this for? ******* it
What is the ******* point?
Why the **** is this **** happening? WHAT THE ****
All I can do is sit as my ******* life falls apart
But it’s not just about me
I know I need to be about me every once in a while but how can I
I feel like I’m not worth it to be worked up over
But here I am
******* anxious because I didn’t care about myself enough
****
I miss last year when none of this **** happened
When all I had to ******* worry about was whether my parents would find out why I was skipping chemistry
Even though I ******* aced that class
Not showing up for a month
And I still aced that final
******* it... no... just stop talking about that
Nobody ******* cares
Nobody cares
And I’m alone— I FEEL alone
People are here for me
People are there... but I can’t... tell them ****
I need someone here
I need my person to be here. In my room. And we could just talk and talk and talk
I need human connection
I’m need people
Xudhdhujsdjeudj!
Dudnxumeisjdksojdidujddudud!
Rudhdrjxensj­dinrjxudnenisnzm!
God ******* **** it why can’t **** just get fixed!
Why aren’t I happy?
why aren’t i happy?

A purple house sits on the corner
A tree grows from the back yard
A grey trimmed porch wraps around
The bright golden mailbox full of mail
A deep blue door like a portal to the stars
The driveway where her car sits with popped tires
She approaches the house
The steps still cracked from where he fell
As the police tackled him
She opens the door still scratched from
When he had came at her with the
So she threw the lamp
Walking around she runs her hands along the walls
Where he pinned her while she tried to run
The couch in the middle of the room
Still soaked with blood where she clawed him
Tears streaming down her face
Down the hallway
Where holes in the wall marked where he tried to stab her
To the bedroom where he tried to smother her
For the pain had grown too much

I never have a steady stream of inspiration
I rarely see things worth writing about anymore
But every now and then
I look at the stars and wonder
“What if..?”

I need something to help forget the pain
All of my friends scattering over the country
And I’m stuck here
I won’t even get to see them go
I need something to forget the pain
Of knowing they’re leaving without saying goodbye
I’m gonna miss them when they’re gone
And there’s nothing I can do

I’m not as innocent as people believe
My friends, my family
Most see me as pure
Incapable of harm, but it’s just a mask

They see me as a straight seventeen year old kid
Who’s never gotten high or drunk
Never had a girlfriend, much less a boyfriend
Someone who’s never stolen
But you all see the real me

They see what I allow them to
Because I can’t be seen as the child who failed
The child who got lost along the way
They see me as innocent
Because I can’t deal with what they might say

We all keep truths
Because it’s easier to lie, hide behind a story,
Than it is to face the reality of our lives

They see me as innocent
But I can assure you,
I’m not

There’s a mystery behind these words
“Tomorrow, can we talk?”
Do they wish to tell me secrets
Or do they just want to tell me
Once again
“I got head”
Do they wish to tell me that they’re not happy
Something I’ve known for weeks now
Tomorrow I’ll find out
But the mystery of the words lives on

I learned something in my relationship
I learned it’s the small things I love
The flirting
The hand holding
The laying on a bed together
Sure I miss the kisses
The support
The affection I was shown
But I don’t miss the big things
The things people define relationships on
I prefer to just be together