I just let them call me broken
Because they make it hard to speak
I can't help it I'm soft spoken
I can't help it that I feel so weak

After the abuse had ended
The words continued in my head
These voices I had befriended
Seemed to only want me dead

They keep me trapped in my past
Like a phantom
They keep me locked up in the dark
With no key
They keep me from feeling freedom
Because the voices all come from me

Pain took hold of my senses
Fear stole the breath from my chest
I tried to bolster my defenses
I thought it was for the best

Every thought feels like a blade
That rips right through my soul
In the prison my mind has made
My personal hell swallows me whole

All I did was cage myself in with the beast
That the monsters had made out of me
It tears me apart, my heart as its feast
I built walls so no one else can see

The echos of my tears and sorrow
Travel through my wounded mind
I can't believe I'll be better tomorrow
I just pray its hope that I find

Its dwelling just beneath the surface
Lying in wait for its emergence
Waiting to devour all of my dreams
Revels in ecstasy at the sounds of my screams

The darkness within me waits
Patiently as it contemplates
How best to destroy everything I've built
How to smother me in anger and my guilt

I can not **** what I can not see
In order to vanquish it do I have to **** me?
No that is the lie it tries to sell
So it can win and put me through hell

I get so weary of this everyday battle
It leaves me broken, angry and rattled
How do I keep on living this way?
How could I expect anyone to want to stay?

When they see how my mind tortures me
All they want is for me to be set free
They think I do this to myself inside
What would you do - there's nowhere to hide

"There's nowhere to run no way to win"
It laughs and says with a grin
"You and I will always be tied
You're bound by the life you left behind"

I'm more than the amalgamation of scars
I choose my fate - not my pain - not the stars
You have no more power to hold me
I want repaid for the lies that you sold me

So help me God - I will take back my life
I'll pick up my peace and lay down the knife
I can't carve out the pain and the grief
Maybe this way I'll find some relief

I don't know what's left of me
After you ripped out the best of me
You stole all of my creativity
You took my sight so I couldn't see
Past everything you seemed to be
To the core that you're my enemy
Now I'm haunted by the memory
Of who I was before there was you and me
I feel lost and I'm shaking
Stuck in the mistakes I keep making
I'm still on the verge of breaking
While the world just keeps on taking
Every part of myself that I loved most
Scattering my heart from coast to coast
So to the wretched past I make this toast
A bitter farewell to your ghost
You won't haunt me anymore
I demand you leave and I'll lock the door
Leave the pieces of me on the floor
I'll fix myself - my heart will be restored
I'll burn this bridge behind you
My memories won't even find you
I know in the end I'll pull through
I'll take this life and make it new

What most people call coping
To me is just dying slowly
I don't like the question "how are you"
I don't want to lie- but can't utter the truth

I lie with my smile
To forget for a while
How this truth is crushing me
How my past won't let me be

Sorrow darkens my door
Because I don't have you anymore
To lighten my heavy heart
Your absence tears me apart

I'm being ripped at the seams
Sifting through shattered dreams
I feel broken and tired
Lost cold and uninspired

I pray for guidance for my feet
I pray for a place to retreat
I pray for some divine relief
From all of the pain and the grief

Just a quiet moment in my mind
Solace from this world unkind
Take this from my soul so weary
Take the thoughts dark and dreary

Hanging tight to the end of my rope
Finding faith in the ashes of hope
A light far ahead in the dark
I only see a glint of a spark

You struck the match
That lit the bridge on fire
As it began to catch
My life joined the pyre

You pointed and said
"She is out of control"
You pulled the thread
It unraveled my soul

You left me shattered
And uninspired
My mind battered
My heart grows tired

You erased all my doubt
I finally stood up and turned away
I finally cut you out
With the knife you gave me anyway

The rope of the hangman's noose
Chokes from me all my air
I cannot set myself loose
This life was never fair

Rage will keep on knocking
Upon the door within
Until I answer and quit blocking
Is this where my healing will begin?

Misery and torment eternally in a dance
Wrapping me in a smothering embrace
Did I ever stand a chance?
Will I fade away without a trace?

The shadows swarming in my head
Were my only friends
I've found they are my enemies instead
It seems my darkness now transcends

Surpassing all comprehension
Consuming all the light my eyes once held
Feeding off my fear and tension
Leaving me a broken and hollow shell

I do not want to dwell on death
Yet it follows me around
It steals from me my breath
To this grief I'm bound

I could cut out my heart
So I could feel no more
But what pain would I impart
If I chose to not endure

There are a few who would cry
For many years after my demise
They are the reason why
Tomorrow I will rise.

Bitterness swirls with each sip from my cup
I get knocked down when I try to get back up
I try and I try and I try to let go
The more that I try - the more I sink low
I could drop off the face of the earth
Before I'd ever truly see my own worth
My cup never empties but its poison I drink
Hoping my enemy dies while I'm on the brink
Of madness and vengeance, pain and fear
Remembrance of losing all I hold dear
This burden is heavy the night is so long
I can't get up in the morning knowing you're gone
I'm suffocating beneath the weight
Of everything life has piled on my plate
I'm wounded gravely and terribly lost
You look in my eyes do you see what life costs?
I'm tangled in history I can never forget
I'm hopeless and lonely - and yet
I have moments of joy and peace
They wash through my soul - give me a new lease
I pray every day that you never feel my pain
I pray every day your faith is maintained
I know He guides me - even when I break down
My Lord lifts me from waters so I don't drown
Morning is coming - swift with the dawn
I pray it brings you peace while your gone
I am filled with anger and regret by the ton
Yet at the end of my life God might say "well done"
I'll fight every day to see my own worth
Until God takes me home far from this earth
I may never find rest while I'm here
I'll try to let go of my anger and fear
I know in Christ alone my hope is carried above me
So I'll try to be content with a savior who loves me

I died a thousand deaths
within my heart and mind
I took my final breaths
and left the world behind

I don't let my thoughts wander
within these things for long
I can't let myself ponder
on feelings that grow this strong

I can't look toward the future
nor linger in my past
My heart I must suture
or this day might be my last

I pray to God to take me
I am not afraid to say
Because death might make me free
But here I will stay

I will wait on God
I will try to find a purpose
I will put on a happy façade
and continue in this circus

I don't want to die
But I don't want to keep living
I can't keep up the lie
of the smile that I keep giving

The cracks in the mask keep growing
I am afraid that everyone will see
That the seeds I have been sowing
are slowly killing me.

I've been lost and all alone
Never finding a home
Fighting battles on my own
Or so I thought it had to be
Until God laid his grace on me

I pushed my will until it shattered
Loved until my heart was battered
Until all my thoughts were scattered
So I give Him my thoughts will and heart
As I pray for a brand new start

I just started to feel alive
The fear of death swells again
My heart begins to dim - it fails to thrive
My smile slides away - put on for a friend

My tears fall like summer rain
The joy mixes with the pain
I forget who, and where I am - at last
Surrounded suffocating by failures past

Walking through the valley of death
And the depths of the sadness
With every breath
Searching for light in the blackness

I can't breathe
I can't see
I can't leave
I can't let myself be

Everything still eats me up inside
Even though the meds make me feel better
It feels like the darker part has died
But is it just hiding behind the pleasure

I'm still scared
I still feel alone
Am I still snared
In this prison of my own

I know these things can all pass
But I seem to still hold on
To the regret that fills my heart of glass
Will these feelings ever be gone

Is the progress a lie
Will it all come crashing down
Will I backslide
Will I ultimately drown

The war I fight
is on the inside
I wrestle my demons day and night
with nowhere to hide

I cry out to God for mercy
I cry out to heaven for healing
I pray quietly for these demons to leave me be
I get impatient - No answer comes through the ceiling
While I lay awake
fighting my fight
hearing my mind and heart break
every day and night

I try to stand
but I fall back down
I am reaching out for a helping hand
from the grave I dug in the ground

I look around
for the voice of hope
and yet I am still bound
By the chains of my past and a hangman's' rope

I dance around these thoughts
that swim like sharks inside my brain
while my luster for my life rots
and yet I sit here and pretend to be sane

These pages don't judge me
like the world probably would
The ink spills from my heart - and silences the demon no one sees
Writing helps more than really anything else could.

Her humbled heart is yearning
For the life she knew before
As the gentle sea yearns for the shore

Her shallow breath grows steady
As she ceases her nightly weeping
Her eyes flutter at last she is sleeping

Her racing mind wakes her
Before she's ready to face the day
Her ears deceive her - was that her children at play?

Her quiet soul whispers softly
To comfort her broken spirit
Is her grief to loud to hear it?

Her darkened thoughts keep swirling
In memories of sorrow and reverie
Her eyes glossed with things she cannot see

Her shaking hands ache
To hold those that she misses
All she has are photographs - to pepper with her kisses

I am nothing more than a shadow of the former life I led
I have often wondered to myself why am I not already dead
After all I have been through and how my heart has bled
It poured onto the floor with every evil thing that they said
They only told me that they loved me to mess with  my head
How was I supposed to recognize what love is supposed to be instead
After all the misery it caused with all the lies that they spread
When they laughed behind my back for all the tears that I shed
The only way I knew love as a child was in fairy tales  I had read
So that is all it ever was to me because I'd been misled
Forever walking on egg shells being cautious where I tread
They knew they tore me down till I was left hanging by a thread
Now I realize that long ago I should've taken my broken heart and fled
Then I would be happy not carrying around all this dread
I will drop all this pain and replace it with joy in its stead
I will leave the past behind me with every memory I shred

Don't bother reaching out anymore
Remember you chose to walk away
You turned your back - shut the door
Ill keep it locked - that's how it'll stay

I'm through being a puppet in this game
You can hate me for all I care
In the end it's all the same
Even if it isn't fair

Even if you're screaming - crying
The bridge is burned I won't answer the call
You won't find me don't bother trying
I refuse to watch you fall

Don't you dare say you love me - not now
It wouldn't do you any good it'll just hurt
It isn't really true anyhow
At this point I won't hear it - just divert

So I will whisper goodbye on the breeze
Ill kiss my past farewell
Ill let the love I had for you freeze
Its already so close - I can tell

You ruined everything we once had
I needed you and you left me to decay
I will do the same - isn't it sad
That there's nothing left to say

I wouldn't wish for you to understand
The pain within my heart
That would mean you'd have to experience it
And let it tear you apart

That was mean your mind is your enemy
Just like mine is for me
That you have to fight every day
The feeling of never feeling free

It would mean life let you down
That you felt like you'd drown
In a vast sea of sorrow and pain
That no one could see
The misery
That buried you deep in the ground

It would mean you'd know what betrayal felt like with clarity
From those that you should be able to trust
You'd know well abject terror and loneliness in all its severity
The smell of fear distinct and robust

You'd fear anyone who calls you friend
But befriend the monsters in your mind
You'd be too scared to let it show - to let the facade end
Until your fears made you bitter or blind

No please don't say that you wish to understand
Because you don't know what that entails
Thank you for reaching out - offering your hand
I'll kindly refuse to show you through my travails

You'd thank me if you knew what I don't share
The details of the peril I've had to fight
Or maybe you wouldn't care
That's the fear that keeps me silent tonight

Dearest Diary,
I have been lost without you
At my fingertips
My words get trapped
Behind my lips.

I get scared and confused
Without you by me
I itch for a pencil or keyboard
just to satisfy me

I get stuck in my head
like a prison cell
of my creation, my own hell

The hands that built the wall
are not the ones tearing it down
the hands that broke my mind frame
Are the ones causing me to drown

Time has healed most of my wounds
The scars are all I am left with
However, life is looking brighter
with every single breath.

He completes me, you see,
He sees me, you see
He frees me, brings glee
and hope back to me

The hands that fouled my mind
hold no power, any longer.
Because LOVE is the answer
to all of my questions,
and He answered every prayer
Every wish and  all I wanted.
The eyes that once haunted
my dreams - Are gone
Now my heart holds my song
I only wish each kiss were longer
each embrace just a moment stronger

I wish I could control the darkness
that was bought from Reverie
The doom and gloom
that once consumed me seems to flee
Whenever he walks in the room

Why does this keep happening?
Is this what I have searched for?
Does he hold the key, to every single door?
Am I trapped within a dream or a nightmare
or is this reality?

Reality on its own terms is something I have grown to love
Mainly because He shows me His grace that shines from above
etched in every smile from each of my children
the rolling hills the sound of love,
from glen to glen
and Den to Den

---------------------------------------
NOTE TO MY READERS:

Thank you for listening,
Patient reader as I grew from 13 and up
deciphering emotion, thought and feeling
leaving my mind reeling from pain
Leaving me feeling depleted at times

Think of soft purple sunsets
as you drift off to sleep
Let go of pain and regrets
Please do not weep

Close your eyes
get some well deserved rest
Look forward to the surprise
As your imagination proves you are blessed

You have the power to reach for the stars
Remember I love you no matter how far
I know you are with me in my heart
That life has many ways to restart

Remember all the times we have shared
remember your worth
Remember I held you when you were scared
Remember the wisdom that you unearth

Sleep in peace
and rise and shine
Say your prayers that never cease
And know that you are mine

You could've taken my life
But you instead stole its meaning
You could have used a knife
But you carved my heart out with scheming
You took the air from my lungs
Without strangulation
I pleaded with who you've become
But you'd heed no dissuasion
You're a snake in human skin
Who wears a charming smile
To lie and lure victims in
To get them to trust you for a while
Then you strike with no mercy
Decimating all their dreams
Your ****** does not set them free
They have to live with their screams

You sow these seeds of anger
So you'll reap the grapes of wrath
You offer me no answer
You tell me to take a different path

You speak what you feel
Yet let no one else do the same
If they do not suit your ideal
Then they're living a life of shame

You wonder why the silence grows
With the walls that form between us
Maybe only God really knows
But it doesn't take a genius

Your heart and words to me are bitter
I cannot fathom why you can not see
Or why you can not consider
That the problem here isn't just me

Stop sowing the seeds of doubt
Or else you'll reap uncertain love
With weakness of resentment throughout
You'll destroy what we dreamed of

I love you but you don't see it
I say it but you won't hear
If this is what you want so be it
I won't let my heart hold you so dear

I want you to understand
My love has not diminished
I will not draw back my hand
Until you tell me we are finished

I am not miserable because of you
My pain is not your doing
There is little that you can do
While my storm is brewing

Mutual respect is what I want - do you want that too?
With no hypocrisy mixed into it
Speak to me how you want me to speak to you
If we do this I know we will pull through it

Thoughts fly around me like an insect swarm
I get dizzy from their speed and voracity
They try to consume me within the storm
What can bring me back to my reality

I'm on a tirade against my own mind
Yet again carrying all the blame
Looking for a reason that I cannot find
To cast off all my shame

Grace and mercy are free gifts that I reject
Surely there are others more deserving
Of peace, kindness and respect
These thoughts are unnerving

I try to close my eyes for much needed rest
All I see on replay are my mistakes
I try to focus on how I've been blessed
While my shattered heart breaks

The tears do not flow
I can not force what will not come
This pain is endless - I know
It has gotten so bad that now I'm numb

I stay silent most days
Pretending nothing's wrong
Lost in an unending maze
Listening to the same old song

It's getting lonely in this cage
But I cannot seem to reach out
All I feel anymore is my rage
That is flooded with my doubt

I'm breaking to pieces on the inside
My words sound so frail and hollow
"I'm fine" " I'm okay" - yet again I lied
The bitter pills life gives me are hard to swallow

Reality hits me hard and I can't breathe
The anger swells within my heart
I push it down but still I seethe
This life does all it can to break me apart

These personal battles that I fight
Never seem to have an end
I'm so angry I lose my sight
Now my reality starts to bend

Sinking to the bottom of my resignation
Settling on the ocean floor
Biting back my fiery indignation
How much disrespect can I ignore

Unbridled fury flashes in my eyes
I'm sorry I let that show
I know it takes you by surprise
But I guess it's better you know

I'm consumed by my mind's corruption
In its infinite cascading spiral
Fearful of my next eruption
Because my rage is viral

These feelings wash over me
In waves that carry me away
I float on the surface of this sea
Trying not to drown - every day.

Take the pieces of my heart
I surrender to you all of them
You can have every fragmented part
Why do I still feel so condemned

Grant me peace of mind
Please I do implore
Unloose the ties that bind
I lay my shattered soul upon the floor

I don't know how to press on
With out them by my side
Its so hard to face the dawn
So in you I do confide

I rise up from my knees
And I'll lift my hands in praise
I will sing in the summer breeze
And hope for better days

You guide me through the darkness
back out into the light
It blinds me with its harshness
And yet my soul takes flight

I will trust you through my blindness
I will let go of all my pride
I will show the world your kindness
So at least I can say I tried

Take a step back from me please
Walk away before you see my disease
I don't want to talk because I say far too much
I don't want a hug or a comforting touch
It doesn't make any of the pain subside
It doesn't erase the scars on the inside
I don't know if you are human or monster
So please, just leave me alone, sir
I don't even know if I am human or monster
It seems I may be half and half, sir
With so many scars stitching this smile to my face
It may seem unnerving or way out of place
Mainly its forced, so it seems like nothing is wrong
My words weave a pretty yet deceitful song
I'm fine, thanks for asking - I am hanging in there
Just so it seems I haven't a care
it keeps up these walls I built to keep you out
Or to lock myself away - so no one could hear me shout
Its my double edged dagger I planted in my own back
Its a personal torture another turn on the rack
I can isolate myself in a room full of others
Because I was always alone even with my siblings and mother
They saw me as a sum of all the trauma inflicted
I was the burden - Which is why I live life conflicted.

She held the darkness like a dancer
Holds tightly to the other
She held spark and fire - a pyromancer
The flames whipped around her

As She spun with her love
The only thing that made her feel alive
the flames were her lover - they fit like a glove
Her risky tryst that few would survive

As people watched on in awe
this violent passion - that lit up the night
Wrapped her in the warmth of its claw
They stood wide eyed in its beauty and fright

Her masterful art and the sway of the rhythm
left them exuberant as she seemed so defiant
To the heat of her craft - she cracked the algorithm
As the flames swayed around her - completely compliant

It followed her will - it would not consume
It was Chaos and law, Confusion and clarity
It could point to the wisdom of life and doom
She was a jewel in the heat - truly a rarity

She collapsed to her knees fast to the sand
Twin flames on  a ball on the end of a chain
That she pulled with each hand
Which Wrapped about her neck and back again

The fire didn't singe but caressed her face
Then sparks flew up to the stars above
Fire hit the ground followed by dark embrace
Silence was her applause -
as she extinguished her love.

I am swinging by my neck at the end of my rope
Searching around for some glimmer of hope
Some safe place, a sanctuary for my heart
That has been cremated after being torn apart

I look and I look everywhere I go
Seeking solace, while I go with the flow
Trying to find a feeling I have never known
Looking for the place, a home to call my own

I am a sojourner pushed and pulled by fate
Tossed about like a leaf on the wind of hate
This world has choked my lungs of all the air
And yet I can say I'm not quite as scared

I used to walk around under the weight of fear
Now its dismay, yet I can shed no tear
It stalks me every night and day
I wish for my life the voices would just go away

I can't seem to cry though I feel I'm drowning
I have my faith but it seems I'm always doubting
I doubt my strength, I doubt my sanity
Because my life has been endless calamity

When will this storm finally subside
I guess I just hold on, while I'm along for the ride
Buckle up and hold onto the rope
Its a rough ride kids, find your reasons to cope

Dilapidated dreams give way to somber thoughts
Caught up once again in the whys and why-nots
Swallowing my pride like a bittersweet pill
Always pushing my fears and problems uphill

My hands shake and my heart thunders
My anxiety grips my throat as it plunders
I can hear my fear tearing my mind asunder
While my heart is still filled with wonder

I can't look back but I can't  move on
Living life like it's an overplayed song
Struggling with this on an everyday basis
I don't  know how long I can take this

Anger rises like bile in my throat
Last time I lost it I left nothing but a note
It doesn't matter how far I'd run
Because I can't identify what I'm running from

Then I start sinking back down
Into my mind where I wait to drown
In thoughts and turmoil left unshared
Because even when I did nobody cares

That is how I grew up broken and alone
Cast aside like a useless stone
I decided I was worth more than these traumas
I decided I was tired of these endless dramas

I took a stand
Hand in hand
With the only one who stayed
When my mind was frayed
With a whithering smile
We sit for a while
While he takes away my shame
He clears away my blame


Some truths are harder than others to take
Like when true love looks more like distain
I found love is whatever you make
Or it will make you insane

Stumbling through the ashes of my decimated dreams
Finding out the hard way nothing is as it seems
What my heart cherished most burned a hole right through
Leaving me lost and forlorn not knowing what to do
Trying in desperation to scrape my broken life back together
As it continues to fall apart I realize I lost you forever
Not everything that breaks you makes you stronger in the end
Sometimes it just leaves you shattered unknowing how to mend
The burning furnace of this life can forge the strongest steel
Maybe that's why my hearts so heavy because the flames were real
I watched resolutely while my life went up in flames
Now I can barely bring myself to whisper your names
This hell that I've walked through,I suppose they call it life
Has been one trauma after another followed by a twisting knife
I look up to the sky and watch the ashes fall like rain
Praying to God to remove from me the endless pain
Will He raise me from these ashes like a phoenix from its death
Or will I taste this bitterness on my dying breath

The cigarettes burn a hole
Right through my soul
But the feeling makes me know I'm alive
It reminds me of how I survived

I relive how I suffered every day
The living nightmares never go away
I never get a break from the thoughts in my head
Don't mourn me when I am finally dead

The grave is not something I fear
I will greet death as a friend so dear
Don't cry for me when I go home
I will be free from the pain I've always known

I am not eager to leave this life behind
I will go when it's the time that's assigned
Don't get the wrong idea - I don't want to die
I just want to live for more than to cry

I know that I'm blessed with each breath that I take
I should be thankful for each love and each ache
I grow so tired of the taste of sorrow
But I know it builds strength for tomorrow

I know there will eventually be rest
From the pain I carry in my chest
I know deep down where my home is
I know I can find peace, for I am His

My quiet hell seems peaceful
If you are on the outside
I sink deep into my shell
and return to it to hide
I hide behind a smile
and it seems to work
for a little while
but it fades to a smirk
then it fades completely away
and the truth comes out
at the end of the day
So I hide in bed so no one sees what I cry about

I hide in what looks like reverie
But its only a mask for misery

I'm a broken spoken word poet
Who's hurt but doesn't show it
The current of despair pulls me below it
I'm stronger than this and I know it

My words fall short I grow quiet
Though in my mind there's a riot
Ill hang my heart out to dry it
From the tears I supply it

I have to fight through or die trying
I say I'm fine but they know I'm lying
Because the pain that I've been denying
Keeps me alone and silent while I'm crying

So I'll just keep on writing
Ill never give up fighting
The sorrow that keeps on biting
The darkness that feels so inviting

I just wish someone had told me
That my demons can't console me
That I didn't have to let them enfold me
I'm renewed and they all will behold me

The lies that my mind has sold me
Can no longer control me
These demons can not hold me
Because I'm casting off the old me


I'm turning away from a tortured past
I'm through holding dreams not meant to last
I'm done feeling drowned and downcast
I have my new lease on life and I'm holding fast

I am climbing up from the end of my rope
I found faith when I ran out of hope
I hit rock bottom sliding down a *****
I prayed when I had no other way to cope

Doing this I found wisdom and understanding
With knowledge of peace expanding
But letting go seems so demanding
As does the pain I'm withstanding

What do you do when your dream becomes your nightmare
and everyone around you acts like they don't care  
all they ever say is get over it
As if it wasn't hard enough to admit
That you're not okay
that you feel like you're insane
You're thoughts begin to fray
and all you feel is pain

you feel your heart grow numb
you feel worthless with every thought
no matter how far you've come
No matter how many battles you've fought

What matters is that you win today
That you're just keep breathing and healing
That you don't let the sorrow stay
No matter how bad you're feeling

Remember there's always a glimmer in the dark
that to ignite a fire - all it takes is a spark
That you have the power over your own mind
your hope is hiding - if you search, you'll find

Joy is on the horizon rising with the sun
Don't give up, your journeys just begun
Weeping may last through the night
But the stars still shine so bright

Healing is a harrowing endeavor
That is always rough and steep
Pain and fear don't last forever
Remember that as you fall to sleep.

A life filled with uncertainty
That spills upon a page
A heart bled dry and empty
Torn apart through its age

So young and yet so tired
Songs unsung, as poems wither unspoken
A mind lost and uninspired
A soul fractured - feeling broken

How long can one live in misery
How wrong can things grow to be
How long can this burden be carried
How long until I am free?

Do I keep my self caged
In a past I can't change?
In fear of the future - All that's left is rage
Have I become deranged?

What IS insanity
What is normalcy?
What is this? Is it vanity?
No - Because I don't love me...

So how do I continue
To pretend that I am okay?
Lies are not a cure for what's true
How can I face the day?

When does surviving
Turn into thriving
When do the shadows and pain
finally fade or wane

Making a way for a new day
without the burdens of the past
or the heavy fear that love won't last
How - When - Why all questions carved on my heart
When does life become art
How do I make a new start
Why was my life torn apart.

Translation is key
in prophesy
and also, it must be spoken

Young men and women
hiding gifts, God given,
because they think it makes them broken

United we stand
through times' sand
carrying but a token

One of affection
or one of affliction
or a secret we had awoken.

The rustling song of midnight
brushes through her hair
the solemn summer rain
takes away her cares

She gets lost in nature
to find her secret bliss
She listens to the moonlight
and feels its soft kiss

It steals her away from worry
as she lets herself feel calm
It reminds her of life's beauty
On her heart it inscribes its psalm

The night is a reminder
to be thankful for the sun
It all is a reminder
of a creation so perfectly spun

She is thankful for the darkness
She is thankful for the rain
She is thankful for the sunshine
She is even thankful for the pain

It all reminds her that she is living
Though most times she feels like stone
But she looks up to the heavens
And Thanks God she's not alone.

I had to say my goodbyes
It's the only way to heal
Now my heart and soul cries
Yet I can't force myself to feel

Tears hide behind my eyes
I choke back my wrath
I put on a happy guise
While my thoughts are on a warpath

I can't separate truth from lies
Or feel any warmth from my past
Another part of me dies
It drowns in the sea so vast

I won't become what I despise
Bitter - Holding back the emotions
Even if it brings me to my demise
I'd rather drown in sorrows oceans

Another year gone time flies
Another heart is broken
Yet the sun will rise
Like a breathless whisper spoken

My thoughts ****** toward azure skies
Hoping someone hears my call
Listening for an answer - the wind implies
That my fear will be my downfall

The broken spirit cries out for love
Her mind rejects the notion - Feeling unworthy
Her heart yearns for God above
For heavens peace to calm her thoughts flurry

Alone through life - no one to lean on
Always to be the one who has to be strong
She carried her cross and many others
She was the burden - The reminder of the pain
for her sister, mom, children, and brothers
HER Trauma was the storm that brought the rain

She was blamed for the past of them all
She was shamed for how the pieces fall
When they cast the stones in the first place
When they handed her grief  and stole her grace

So she called herself Hope as a joke
because its what always eluded her - what she always needed most
She tried to be a beacon for those that were lost
but couldn't find herself through the cost

So she opened her eyes to the deception
She found she didn't recognize her reflection
She couldn't find a home though introspection
She searched and searched for recollection
How long had she lied
behind the smile - she cried
But this Honesty would spur her resurrection

She saw through the lies they had fed her
She remembered how the past had bled her
of all self worth - all her joy was torn asunder
But this time she wouldn't be pulled under
Deep onto the abyss of her sorrow
where most of her life she had dwelt
she would see the dawn with new eyes tomorrow
and let that rain wash away the shame she felt

As she sifts through the rubble and ash
of an old life she can not get back
she will rise like a phoenix taken in flame
And one day they will remember her name
They will regret the words that they said
as they realize they are immortalized
in the words that they've read

Her beginnings were rougher than most
Every turn seemed to get worse
She learned to lean on her heavenly host
This alone helped her handle her curse
Life dragged her from trauma to trauma
At least she had her children's love
Her most cherished name for herself, was 'momma'
She looked for wisdom from above

Then her children were taken
she fought off the waves of emotion
she fought off feeling forsaken
she fought being drown in this ocean
that threatened to swallow her faith up in doubt
That drained her - That strained her
to figure all of this trauma out

Of all that made her feel broken
this was by far the very worst
Yet her prayers still never go unspoken
she refused to remain feeling cursed
Because she would live for Christ -
For HIM she would hunger and thirst

The thunder in my chest
Just won't rest
I've done my very best
And yet
The anger grows - my eyes darken
I exhale
Confusion mounts
The air is stale
My words taste bitter
I'm afraid
Of the past and future
The mistakes I've made
My heart grows darker
It's full of hate
This self loathing
Has got to change
I'm Lost in the wilderness
My soul so jaded
****** amongst these beasts
Have I faded
To a shadow of my former self
What have I become
I'm the shade of black in my heart reflected
I'm still so numb
I'm the sum of the love I've rejected
A pearl of wisdom
Cast before swine
Pining for love
That was never mine

The fire flashed in the skies
It lit up her eyes
Her heart thundered in her chest
The rain pelted the ground
The wind moaned out it's sound
Her skin - it caressed
the storm in her mind grew calm
she reveled in natures song
At that moment she felt truly blessed
The might of the storm healed her soul
It made her whole
She knew she could finally rest

Who reached out to me when my world fell apart
One maybe two people? Some that never did before
You know who didn't? My "family" - They had no heart
So what am I supposed to believe that life has in store?

So far life has shown me how to pull myself out of despair
It has shown me to trust NO ONE no matter what they say
It taught me that my healing is the weight for ME to bare
To not lean on anyone because eventually they go away

Some said they were sending ' prayers and thoughts'
and while this is always well meant
It didn't help me in the throws of my loss
When it felt like I was broken - my hope all spent

I had people offer all sorts of advice for me
What they would do in my situation
The harm they did, they simply didn't see
When they disappeared they offered no explanation
What did that do for me

Just, ****, Gone
Alone again to deal with my demons
What did I do so wrong?
I gave up, I don't need their reasons...

I guess I am better off without them
I don't need all the negativity
All they did was judge and condemn
So I leave them behind, and lean on my own ability

God is with me  - He whispers  in the dark
He holds me when everyone else turned their back
He puts me on the right path, and urges me to embark
on the journey of life - He protects me from any attack.

Disharmony
Disjointed notes of pain
Cacophony
Of voices driving me insane

So conflicted
So out of place
The damage inflicted
shows on my face

I used to try to hide it
But now I am far too weary
I can't climb out of this pit
The charade has grown dreary

You say I like this feeling
You say I am just lazy
That, that is why I'm not healing
That, that is why I feel crazy.

What do you know about me
that I didn't share with you
How wrong can one person possibly be
How can you say something so untrue?

His eyes burned me
His gaze transfixed
the first dance,
of apprehension

In circles we'd spin
on merely a whim
curiosity was loves invention

Looking for who we are
looking to who we've been
the keys to wisdom oft mentioned

Granted entry through weakness
or maybe strength of heart
the fear is the prevention

Bringing back things
I forgot I could feel
the heat, and the tension.

You never knew me
You just knew what you wanted me to be
You never loved me
You only love what sets you free
I'd rather light the bridge to burn
Than let you incinerate my life
You want respect you could never earn
I was stabbed in the back - you held the knife

You never noticed my pain
You sought to cause me more for your own gain
You led my hopes and dreams to the slaughter
You protected everyone but your daughter
So I won't call you mother anymore
I'm tearing down what love I had - stripping it to the floor

You can't control me because I am letting go
The manipulations are over - no more causing my fears to flow
I know you're angry, and you will cast the blame
You always do, because you're too afraid of shame
You'll never see the pain that you've wrought
that'd take accountability and that can't be bought

I'm completely through
Im tired of living for you
When with every word You spit in my face
Then painted me the disgrace

So go on keep defending the abusers
Go on and **** up to the users
Hate me if it helps you sleep at night
But don't forget you started this fight

Shots fired shots fired
When my soul was already tired
You hit me when I was already down
Then straightened your corrupted crown

Was I ungrateful
For the life that I'd been given
Was I foolish in my thinking
That my past had been forgiven

I love them all so much
I want to hug them - feel their touch
"A pat on the face for mother"
Can heal a heart like no other

I am a broken poet
who has lost her muse
my mind blackened and I know it
But I won't give up, I refuse

I won't let the devil lie to me
I will feel peace through praise
I will be set free

I will break the petty cycles that kept me as a slave
I will not be buried alive in an unmarked grave
I will find grace
In Jesus' name

The refined mind
Will seek and find
Asking questions like "why have I come to be"
I wasn't created for depression and anxiety
To be pulled to my knees
By the weight of abuse and it's crushing gravity
"What is my purpose in this life"
It's not only to suffer though pain and strife
With my mind clouded with uncertainty
It's not to be consumed with depravity
Or by captured by this worlds absurdity
"Do I know how to grow
To come into my own"
Do my thoughts get lost in translation
Is this discernment or another sensation
That will leave me feeling hollow
Realities pills are hard to swallow
Who's that face in the mirror belong to
Who's voice is that coming through
I don't recognize my own reflection
And I've lost all sense of direction
If all life has value
Which I know to be true
Then my worth is more than I once believed
I prayed for the answers and this is what I received:
Every prudent mind seeks wisdom
To share to have to hold
Not what you get from the system
But the wisdom born in your soul

Hello I am a recovering doormat

I have some things to say
Mainly to the people - who won't care anyway

How was I supposed to feel secure
After all the things I had to endure
After you treated me like a pest
Even when I tried my best
All I did was try to make you proud
Even when my mind got loud
With all the evil things that you'd  say
Like you never loved me anyway

You raised me to be your puppet

Then when I wouldn't play along
You told me I was in the wrong
No wonder I looked for love in all the worst places
You stole my self worth and told me that's what grace is

So I split myself into a hundred pieces

To try to solve the puzzle you dumped on me
To try to fit into this 'family'
You even used God to shame me
But in my heart I know he doesn't  blame me

You were the ones that shattered my mind

Then you pointed and said "look she's crazy"
You stole my motivation  waited til I was down and said "look she's  so lazy"
I was your therapist and only friend
And you destroyed me in the end

I  could have forgiven ALL of that

But then you took from me all I hold dear
You stole my reality and handed me fear
You poisoned my oldest child against me
When I wouldn't  be like you - you took my family

I don't  get to see my babies grow up now
Because of your twisted half truths and filthy lies
I want so badly to move on but I don't  know how
I try to smother my rage and just pray it dies

But then I remember their faces, thier  laughter
And all the life that comes after
Our final goodbyes
With tears in my eyes
I plead with God to guide me
To place His peace back inside me

The peace you took from me
That you spit on and lit on fire
But you just wait and see
Well I'll rise from the funeral pyre
And finally set myself free

I have heard it said my pain is an illusion
Because its just in my head
Because its not a scar, wound or contusion
That I just need to get over it, they said.

Give it time, healing is slow
Pray more, take this pill, stop overthinking
But they really don't know
the everyday struggle to stop myself from sinking

The callousness of society
bleeds my heart dry
The constant impropriety
makes me want to cry

"You choose to feel this way"
"Just choose to be happy"
If it were that easy I'd do it today
To choose this, how ill would I have to be

I am just so completely tired
of the way this world spins around
of how they all conspired
to put me in the ground