I heard a song that reminded me of you
It brought waves of memories of all we've been through
I was flooded by the pain of not having you near
I thought of you on your deathbed and it fed into my fear
I was swallowed with regret
Of the words I've never said
I was burdened by the grief
Of the reasons I had to leave
I mean it seems I was only an obligation
A friend only in my own imagination
Not a daughter to love
A girl with out a father except the One Above
That to you I was a burden too hard to carry
So you dumped me in the world alone because my trauma was too scary
How am I supposed to forgive and forget
When you still turn your back and your mind is set
To excuse the abuse you watched people inflict
On me and my children to avoid conflict
Well you chose who you chose
And everyone knows
You'd turn your back on the one who loves you most in exchange for my foes
So I won't call because you don't want to be reminded of your flaws
So regret doesn't shake you around in its jaws
I'll just let it be what it is and walk away
Though it haunts me that I will lose you one day
But really I've already lost you before
When you stopped saying I love you and my heart was torn
When you and the others stripped away my life
You sided with my brothers to cause me strife
I should have had enough then
Ill say it now i wont let you hurt me again
I should have told you when my heart got broken
But it was too hard to let the truth be spoken

What do you do ...
When the illusion of intrusion
never seems to go away
When you have to fight off fantasies
of being gone today
When they won't stop no matter
how fervently you pray
When the delusions of anger and fears
Always get in your way
When they fight tooth and nail
Like they have a right to stay
The voices crowd your mind
Saying just come and play
But you know what's waiting for you
In thier demented game
So you do what you can
To shut them out and turn away
But they paint all your memories
In shades of black and grey
You just wish for a single moment
Where You  feel okay
And you want to cry every time
Someone asks how are you today
When your life's torn apart
Your mind lost in disarray
Then your trust seems to fade
While your hope begins to decay
When your heart feels like stone
And all you feel is dismay
Your sanity clings to threads
Your anxiety puts on a display
When you ask for a moment
Your mental repairs are underway
But really in your mind
your worst fears and memories are on replay
The anger bubbles up
And you want the world to pay
For what they took from you
But there's nothing left to say
You don't know how to articulate the pain
Or the thoughts you have to convey
So you don't feel so locked away
With the darkness that tells you
That its here to stay
You feel Your thoughts begin to fray
And your mind just saddles on you all of the blame and shame of a past you wish you could slay
Like a monster that seeks you out as its prey
I've learned it takes a lot of courage to say
I'm not well I need help I'm not okay

I'm so drained and tired
I feel strained and uninspired
I feel empty darkness flooding in
Taking me back to where my pain begins

As I'm walking through the wreckage
Of my torn and tattered dreams
My life burning with the bridges
That were built up by their schemes

They held my joy hostage from me
Then told me I am not enough
I became my own worst enemy  
Because believing them was rough

They severed all my strength and security
Like the mighty Sampson with his hair
I am ****** by inferiority
And it's getting harder and harder to care

My heart had been broken and scattered throughout
But it always pulled itself together
Now it's completely hollowed out
And it feels like it will last forever.

People tell me this is for the best
But do they know that for sure
Pain has stolen all my rest
I don't know how long I can endure...

It's so dark in here
Dark in here

I'm stuck deep in my fear
Deep in my fear

You used to let me out
Let me out

Now our mind is filled with doubt
Filled with doubt

I'm just your inner child

I'm you - before you were defiled

I was the you before you learned to fake a smile

Come talk to me for a while

Give me a hug
Show me the love
We only dreamed of

Give back to me what they stole from us
The peace and the joy we had before all the cuts
Before all the brutal betrayal all the knives in our back
You were me once - before your life turned black
You locked me away
With no words to say
You thought you were keeping me safe
But you weren't.

Now I'm just scared of being alone
I'm more scared of people
Then being on my own
Because of the monsters they all have shown
But being locked away - now the pain has grown

I wish you could see me
I wish you could hear me
I wish you could free me
I wish you could be me

I'm the inner child crying
I'm your inner child -
And I'm dying

I am bleeding out from old wounds nobody sees
No comfort ever brings comfort to me
My broken mind and shattered heart
Have tried my whole life to tear me apart
feeling lost and lonely and scared
because none of my family ever cared
I was their burden - I was their shame
I was the one whom they couldn't speak the name
So they turned their backs to forget what they've done
They took the meaning from my life and thought that they won
As long as I am breathing I am living proof that they lost
As long as I keep going forward no matter the cost
I will let go and banish the demons they gave me
And let Christs' healing be what will save me
So I am not lost, though they led me astray
The blind leading blind - Well God gave me my sight today
So I could see clearly the webs of deceit
That bound my heart mind, hands and my feet
I can see through their whispered millions of lies
the part of me that perpetuates them - well today that part dies
I need to limit the voices circling in my mind
to shut out the hurtful - only hear what is kind
I need to hand over control to God - Who made me
I need to render spirit from flesh to set myself free
I will crucify the part of me that wants me dead
I will rise from those ashes and walk where angels have tread
I was created to be more than the sum of my trauma -The sum of the worlds endless lies  
When I come up on top - they will all be surprised
Healing takes time so I will take it slow
and soon I know the progress will show.

Why should I let my past control me
Why should I fear every day of my life
Why should I let that dictate who I am to be
Why should I continue to shoulder the strife

Why is it so hard to lay it down
Why is it so hard to cast my cares away
Why is it so hard to not let myself drown
Why is it so hard to get out of bed today

Why let myself feel like a burden
Why let myself feel like I am broken
Why let myself feel so shut in
why let myself feel like I can't be outspoken

I've become a shadow
Of who I want to be
I've become nothing more
Than a forgotten memory

Fading to the darkness
Once again I fall
Once again I'm flooded
Drowning in how I lost it all

Anxiety clutches my heart
Making it impossible to breathe
Making it impossible to think
Shutting me up - alone to seeth

The fear tapes up my mouth
When I want to scream I'm feeling helpless
The guilty words stream in my mind
Was my sacrifice really selfless

He is the only key to the jail cell in my mind
He is the only peace I will ever find
He is the only one who gives me grace
He is the only one who truly sees my face
He is the only one who sees past the mask
He is the only helper I'd feel okay to ask
He is the one in which I can confide
He is the one that doesn't make me feel like I have to hide
He is the only one who can save me from my hell
He is the Savior that I know I can always tell

I love each one of them, more than I love myself
Without them I feel like a toy forgotten on a shelf
waiting for the child to come back and want to play
waiting for their smiles to brighten up my day
In my darkened corner I will wait an eternity
Until I see their loving faces staring back at me

A cage with in my mind Where I feel that I belong
For everything that I let happen for everything I did wrong
I persecute myself daily for the sins I can't forgive
I can not set myself free - I can barely let myself live

Knowing where I failed
Knowing the lives that I derailed
The pain I wrought
comes to mind like a twisting knife with every thought

I let you all down so I will do all I can
So you will never wear a frown
even if that means I drown

Sinking beneath my failures caught in a devils trap
How much more can I take - before this rope snaps?
I've slid to the end, and I am holding on for dear life
I'm not great at tying knots, but I know how to use a knife

Will God catch me if I fall
Trusting Him, though I lose it all
letting go of everything I love
til I only have my Father above

Why does this feel so cruel
So vile and unfair
why did the punishment have to be a cross I can't bare

--------

I get it now - God's will is stronger
I will not fight it any longer
I don't want free will anymore
I just want my life back like it was before

Rocking them to sleep at night
kisses and prayers - hugs so tight
Laughter every single day
I don't want them to go away

This is worse than death
it takes away my breath
It stings in my mind
How the world is so unkind
I pray to just rewind
back to a better time
I see it when I close my eyes
but when they open the dream flies
they well up with tears at goodbyes
fearing that it could be our last
God the time just goes so fast

I've lost everything
All meaning to live
All urge to keep breathing
my mind funnels through a sieve
It divides the joy and the sorrow
The fear and the pain
The darkness of tomorrow
From the soft summer rain
I stand in the middle of all of my grief
I search for an answer
Yet find no relief
The pain grows like a cancer
Heavy and deep in my chest
I don't want to go on without you
But they say its for the best
Those words sting, in ways I never knew

What do I do with all of the tears
Will they cause me to drown?
Where do I put all the fears
Before they put me in the ground

I won't give up because I know you're out there
Wondering if I am okay
Although this life has been far from fair
I will keep breathing through today

I won't give up the love we have shared
I won't let losing you **** me
I know it is my cross to be bared

At the end of the day
when the light fades away
All the world is sleeping
I'm stuck staring at the ceiling
I'm trapped in the cycle
Of fear and survival
Wondering what it is I'm feeling
I'm not numb but I'm not seething
The pit in my chest
Swallows my rest
My mind just keeps on reeling
I guess they call this 'dealing'
Dealing with pain and stress
Wondering why I'm such a mess
My life crumbled down
Without a sound
I sift through the debris like I'm stealing
I guess they call that "healing"
I miss you so much
I guess I've lost touch
In my mind I'm watching you leaving
It just keeps on repeating
I guess they call this "grieving"

I never knew how far I'd fallen,
before your gaze fell on me.
My heart started to roar
loud, and thunderous, raging like the sea

I opened my eyes
and to my own surprise
there was no wing to catch me
No silver clad knight
awaiting in soft moonlight
meant to set me free.

I found my love
rifling through keys I had long forgotten
I thought it funny and a bit strange
that my heart may have grown rotten

I was wrong of course it hadn't blackened
as I had often thought
It was never stone nor made of metal
It is still open - just can not be bought

My heart had grown heavy
I had so much to carry
I felt much like Atlas at times
But, truly, I am still a faerie

A pixie, a sprite
a woodland delight
that is as carefree as can be
I still sometimes drown
in unheard sound
just whispers of Reverie

I love my own little world
but I am no longer a little girl
I have put away childish things

Reality seems to have fled
as the streets give up her dead
Hearts mourn as Fae sings.

Call me out by name
From this darkened tomb
Save me from the flames
Cause my faith to bloom

Heal my broken soul
Touch my wounded heart
Only you can make me whole
And heal what has been scarred

Take from me my pain
Let me love the world
Revive me from this shame
Let your plan for me unfurl

Carry me on the winds of hope
Renew in me the light
Teach me how to cope
Help me win this fight

On the whispered wind of sorrow
That travails a sea of tears
On a boat named loneliness
That is weighed down with her fears

She tries desperately not to drown
in the oceans of her pain
She tries to rise above the waters
To not let it drive her insane

She looks around for land
to seek shelter from the storm
Will she find the rock she needs
Or will she remain forlorn

She can't see the sun
Or any stars above her
She prays and gasps for breath
to the God that loves her

He doesn't want to see her suffer
She knows this in her heart
He could whisper to the waters
and her pain would all depart

She holds out hope
for a Savior to come at last
to rescue her from her own mind
To save her from her past

Please, God  move this mountain
Take this weight off of me
Heal pain in my chest
My Lord please set me free
I'm being crushed
By this life I've been given
Lord please take away my past
and let me feel forgiven

I can't forgive myself
for the mistakes that I have made
please Lord heal this within me
Let me feel like the debt has been paid

I feel like I am lost in the wilderness
with monsters all around
Please save me from this darkness
Don't let it put me in the ground

I feel like I am already buried
beneath a past I can not change
I am so afraid Lord
that I've become deranged

Take the illness from my mind
Take the sorrow from my heart
Mend all of my broken pieces
Lord please show me where to start

What do you do when you are kicked when you are down
Stand up - pretend to smile and play your part as the clown?
Pretend the words were never said
that messed so badly with your head
and soldier on through the storm
How long can I do that
How long can I fake it
How long can I shake it off?

The cracks in my mask are growing wider
chasms I can not fix
I can't just take off this
mask that I put on when I was younger than six
I can't open up with no confidence within me
I feel trapped in my mind with no where to flee

The realm of reality slips from the grasp
in the small hours of morning,
when the chill doth last.

When traveling through the night
by the waters raging,
you wish to see a light

There is always one to be found,
if you look sky ward
as you are oft bound

Walk, do not run, to the guiding force
that tugs at your heart
and through your blood, does course

Given to you from birth, a passage rite
belief handed down through generation
brings the clearer sight

Everything we were, and who we are
are an amalgamation
of our victories and scars.

I've been convicted
By my own mind
Because I am conflicted
From my life being in a bind

My heart is broken
My soul is bereft
I am trapped - soft spoken
Half of me is left

You were my favorite part of me
What have I become with out you
You smiles alone set my mind free
Now I'm a hollow human forever blue

The silence is just too much
The lack of your laughter drives me insane
My silence is hell - music my crutch
I can't even find pleasure in rain

Because I'm drowning in brackish waters
That flow from my own eyes
As I think of my sons and daughter
As we again, say our goodbyes

I'm not strong enough to let you go
But not stable enough to keep you
I pray each day you know
My love will always run true

My sentencing is life forever lonely
Arms that feel so empty and weak
I will hold this place in my heart for you only
Until we meet again..my life is bleak

My soul feels so cold
Lord, Please make me whole
I feel so alone
Lord, make this world feel like home
I am scared in the dark
since the world tore me apart
Lord, put me back together new
Let me truly see you
Reveal to me your plan
So I may continue to stand
I am begging you from the depths
of a long empty well
At the rock bottom
to which I fell
I lay here broken and torn
Only you can raise me now
call be back from this death
Because I don't know how
To come back from this edge
Lord, I beg you please
to show me your will
So I can follow you
And let my mind be still
Quell the aching in this heart
Please let the healing start
I needed you then
I need you more now
Show me the light on the path
because I don't know how
To change my course
or to find direction
Lord, I beg for your protection

Another year older
The world gave me the cold shoulder
I've grown a little bit bolder
But I wasn't built to be a soldier

I am tired in this war
with little strength
and less to fight for
I feel like I am knocking on a door
that will never open

Life rocked me like a baby
then threw me from the nest
while everyone looked at my broken life
and whispered its for the best

The air was robbed from my chest
my heart torn from my breast
this silence steals from me my rest
I'm a  mess

Their faces shine in my mind
their voices ring like echos down empty halls
I hear their calls for mommy
and feel myself fall
as my muscles unwind

I reach for them in my dreams
but they are always further than it seems
too far to touch or hold
they can't hear my screams
'Mommy's here to love you,
I put no one else above you
I need you night and day
without you my heart has flown away
I am always stressing about how you are
I know we are so far
but baby look up at the stars, I am too
and when I see the moon
I only think of you
I pray you sleep
like the angels are there to keep
all nightmares away.
My love is never ending
I hope you feel the prayers I keep on sending
that they take away your fears
your tears
and give you a new beginning
where happiness is abounding
with a peace that is astounding
Love is bountiful if you seek it

I miss you all so much I sometimes can't bear it
I can't sleep without seeing your faces
In all of our old places
I think I learned what God's grace is

I wish I had found out sooner
I wish I had not taken our time for granted
because the love that God has planted
will never ever wither

I'm not ready  to let you go
I'm not ready for goodbye
I want you to know
My love will never die
And you will always be my babies
and when I look up to the skies
All I see are your beautiful eyes

In every child's face I see your smile
Its replaced with you and me
Holding hands carefree'

God - why does this feel like dying
why hours of useless crying
What have I been denying
Why is this life so terrifying
Why do I always feel alone
Why is my heart turning back to stone
Except when I hear their voices through the phone
that is the only joy I've got, then its done
and I am alone with my thoughts
they are polluted and they drown me
in brackish waters
as I think of my sons and daughter
and where I went so wrong
how I must have failed all along


The Lord giveth & The Lord taketh away
but at least - all of my babies are alive today.
Thank you.

All I ever think about is you
The family I once had
My kids and mother - Sister and brothers
Everything I thought was true
seemed to turn sour - rotten - bad

They all turned their backs
and left me to die alone
How am I supposed to forgive and forget
When they sold me out to make up for what they lack
When they robbed me of all that I owned

They try to hide behind angels faces
Pretending to be kind and better people
I don't get how everyone gets snowed
When it is SO fake - but that's what social grace is
They hate behind closed doors but smile at the steeple

I don't get it how am I painted evil
when they are the abusers that broke me
how is it I am the one with the blame - the shame
When they are the ones that caused my upheaval
When they stole the only ones that set me free

They made me look foolish
not to mention they painted me crazy
how can you tell me to be normal
when you can't define it - its only that you wish
that you could change me so your life is less hazy
That won't happen until you put down your pipe dreams
You never really cared for me - Those are your words
So choke on them - to drown out my screams

You said you want to shoot me in the face
Our mother gave a half hearted apology
then made me feel the guilt - just like you do
Can you see the disgrace?
I am through with your ******* up psychology

So now I am forced to say goodbye
I don't know why I don't want to
You have given me every reason to hate
but all it did was make me want to cry
and say I am sorry to you
HOW SICK IS THAT
You can finesse this all to your favor
even when you through my trauma in my face
I still love you - in the combat
Where you told me I should have been there to save her
FROM YOU

How do you do what you do
and still like - still live with yourself
Or face a mirror
Or be in good health
Can your see yourself clearer?
Who is this monster you've become
And why does our mother just hide from
the truth that you aren't the same
or maybe you've always been this way
and just never changed

Even without you around
You still abuse me
I don't get it
I hear your voice when there's no sound
Why are you always trying to confuse me

The devil laughs when you wake up
this much I know for certain
because you do his work for him
Why don't you and he break up
and just close the curtain
The act is over- our family is done
are you happy at last
now that you have destroyed me - and had your fun
throwing up to me my whole past?

I will walk away from this war
because I want to survive the battle
you gave me plenty of scars
But God and Jesus will help me restore
and renew the broken heart that you rattled

I will find my victory
as the bridge burns and I walk away
I won't think of what you took from me
I can't help it though - my mind is contradictory
But at least I made it through today

Once upon a younger year before the pain before the fear
I had dreams and aspirations
Schemes to heighten my elation
I gave up somewhere along the line
No more joy or peace to find
And yet life kept pushing forward
While my mind was continually tortured
Until it snapped completely
No more sanity
Everything I know gets called into question
My mind - far too open to abusive suggestion
Now slowly rebuilding what has crumbled
Ignoring snide comments mumbled
While I try to heal
While I reteach myself to feel
While I try to help myself deal
And collect all the good moments I can steal
I must be patient with myself
I must take my life off the shelf
I must do more than just survive
If I'm ever going to feel alive

Early life stole my innocence
later it took my mind
it lead me to my own ignorance
leaving me completely blind

Blind to the pain I put them through
with my own bad choices
While I justified what I'd do
with the darkness' tormenting voices

I'd beat myself down and I still do it everyday
This isn't what God wants from me - so I hope He takes it away

The anxieties creep back in
and the nightmares and flashbacks begin
As it fades depression follows in its wake
with desolation and destruction
The devil needs no introduction

He finds his ways to  shake me
But the Lord won't let him break me

The whispered words of reverie
Within a clouded mind
Coalescing grief and memory
Until they're intertwined

A dance born from fear and love
Long ago forgotten
Joy you could only dream of
That turned to nightmares - rotten

The storm gathers overhead
with the clouds in her eyes
Remembrance of those for whom she bled
she bows her head and cries

She just wishes to see their smiles
to brighten up her day
To hold their little hands for a while
But for now her world is grey

Everywhere she seems to turn
She sees their little faces
The agony continues to burn
As she walks dreamlike through these places

Looking back through time
Like a still frame on a wall
This smile is her pantomime
A lie - that is her downfall

Have you never heard of self fulfilling prophecy
Because you are always pointing out our dichcotomy
And that always makes me start to wonder
Is this a tornado or just a little thunder

Usually i'm bold in the face of a storm
But these constant showers are draining
Is constant pressure to Perform
While I try to stop my eyes from raining

I keep this all locked away in my Head
I try not to cry where you could see
I carry it around even when i'm in bed
How much better for you I could be

I don't want to be just a burden  You live with
I don't want to drive you insane
I don't want our love to fade to myth
I don't want you to be in pain

I've been far better
But I've been worse
It seems to me
That is my curse
One step forward
And three steps back
I never can seem
To make up for what I lack
I'm always behind
Or missing something
But I'm always blessed
Never left with nothing
I feel broken down
And yet uplifted
I feel completely stuck
But like something has shifted
I feel thankful
I feel my pain
I guess I'm okay
Despite the rain
At least I'm breathing
I'm still above ground
At least I have something
I'm not hellbound
Though this pain can feel like hell
I think in spite of it, I'm doing well.

Thanks for asking
It shows you care
Don't feel bad for me
Please just send your prayer

What could I possibly say to you?
What should I say?
What could I possibly do -
To take the pain away?

How could I hope to help you -
When I don't know how to help myself?
What can I do to help you through -
When I put my own life on the shelf?

How can I paint you a picture
that will stay in your mind?
One that will keep you in scripture
when the world grows unkind.

How do I make an impact -
That  will ripple through the years?
How do I keep your heart intact
How do I stop the tears - Your fears?

I want you to know I love you
I will forever more
Near or far - even in heaven above you
no matter what life has in store.

Know I always wanted you close
I want to hold your hand
But I wanted your happiness most
I pray one day you understand

How do I say goodbye
without saying those words
because even if I try
I can't accept what they affirm

Because this isn't goodbye forever
Its see you later
One day we will be together
in the presence of our creator

I will always be your mother
I will always call you mine
I will love you each like no other
I pray you see that in time

This breaks my heart to pieces
But I will stay strong
I pray your faith increases
and you find where you belong.

You started with those Jokes again
I guess you don't understand yet
though I have told you and told you
that it bugs me when you pick on me

Why does it bug me?
several reasons.
I was bullied as a kid...
but mainly, because whether or not you see it,
you only do it for the glory.
You pick on me more when you're around your friends
You think my face is cute when I'm mad
You don't realize that all I see is you exerting power
the power to make me upset, the power only you have.

And there I am... Not wanting to say anything
I don't want to ruin your fun...
I don't want to take that feeling from you...
But, please see there is no glory in what you are doing...
That it is only fun, for one of us...
If you knew I felt this way...You wouldn't do it...
I don't say this to you... because I am afraid...
Afraid you would do it anyway...