Hello I am a recovering doormat

I have some things to say
Mainly to the people - who won't care anyway

How was I supposed to feel secure
After all the things I had to endure
After you treated me like a pest
Even when I tried my best
All I did was try to make you proud
Even when my mind got loud
With all the evil things that you'd  say
Like you never loved me anyway

You raised me to be your puppet

Then when I wouldn't play along
You told me I was in the wrong
No wonder I looked for love in all the worst places
You stole my self worth and told me that's what grace is

So I split myself into a hundred pieces

To try to solve the puzzle you dumped on me
To try to fit into this 'family'
You even used God to shame me
But in my heart I know he doesn't  blame me

You were the ones that shattered my mind

Then you pointed and said "look she's crazy"
You stole my motivation  waited til I was down and said "look she's  so lazy"
I was your therapist and only friend
And you destroyed me in the end

I  could have forgiven ALL of that

But then you took from me all I hold dear
You stole my reality and handed me fear
You poisoned my oldest child against me
When I wouldn't  be like you - you took my family

I don't  get to see my babies grow up now
Because of your twisted half truths and filthy lies
I want so badly to move on but I don't  know how
I try to smother my rage and just pray it dies

But then I remember their faces, thier  laughter
And all the life that comes after
Our final goodbyes
With tears in my eyes
I plead with God to guide me
To place His peace back inside me

The peace you took from me
That you spit on and lit on fire
But you just wait and see
Well I'll rise from the funeral pyre
And finally set myself free

The refined mind
Will seek and find
Asking questions like "why have I come to be"
I wasn't created for depression and anxiety
To be pulled to my knees
By the weight of abuse and it's crushing gravity
"What is my purpose in this life"
It's not only to suffer though pain and strife
With my mind clouded with uncertainty
It's not to be consumed with depravity
Or by captured by this worlds absurdity
"Do I know how to grow
To come into my own"
Do my thoughts get lost in translation
Is this discernment or another sensation
That will leave me feeling hollow
Realities pills are hard to swallow
Who's that face in the mirror belong to
Who's voice is that coming through
I don't recognize my own reflection
And I've lost all sense of direction
If all life has value
Which I know to be true
Then my worth is more than I once believed
I prayed for the answers and this is what I received:
Every prudent mind seeks wisdom
To share to have to hold
Not what you get from the system
But the wisdom born in your soul

A burden since birth
That's all she was worth
At least what every one taught her
Then came the shame
She must be to blame
After the monsters sought her
She doubted all peace
She received no release
From her past that would always haunt her
The demons that lived in her dreams
And would silence her screams
They lived in her mind to taunt her
But did she let them in
Where did it begin
Was it inherited from her mother or father
She'd sink into her mind
Looking for something good to find
But the voices echoed "why bother"
Stuck in the flesh
Finding no rest
Haunted by scars, trauma and fear
No clear path to victory
Through all of life's mystery
So hurt she can't shed a tear
Her somber heart breaks
With every breath she takes
But she will push through til tomorrow
She will see the dawn
She will stay strong
Not allowing herself to succumb to sorrow

Bitterness swirls with each sip from my cup
I get knocked down when I try to get back up
I try and I try and I try to let go
The more that I try - the more I sink low
I could drop off the face of the earth
Before I'd ever truly see my own worth
My cup never empties but its poison I drink
Hoping my enemy dies while I'm on the brink
Of madness and vengeance, pain and fear
Remembrance of losing all I hold dear
This burden is heavy the night is so long
I can't get up in the morning knowing you're gone
I'm suffocating beneath the weight
Of everything life has piled on my plate
I'm wounded gravely and terribly lost
You look in my eyes do you see what life costs?
I'm tangled in history I can never forget
I'm hopeless and lonely - and yet
I have moments of joy and peace
They wash through my soul - give me a new lease
I pray every day that you never feel my pain
I pray every day your faith is maintained
I know He guides me - even when I break down
My Lord lifts me from waters so I don't drown
Morning is coming - swift with the dawn
I pray it brings you peace while your gone
I am filled with anger and regret by the ton
Yet at the end of my life God might say "well done"
I'll fight every day to see my own worth
Until God takes me home far from this earth
I may never find rest while I'm here
I'll try to let go of my anger and fear
I know in Christ alone my hope is carried above me
So I'll try to be content with a savior who loves me

Through my trifling life I wander
As my recollection muses, I ponder
What if I treated myself fonder
Treated my time wisely and didn't squander

A moment passes and it's gone
A new begining comes with each dawn
Why spend each day withdrawn
Overthinking the agony beyond

All life has worth it should be treasured
Except mine? How can worth be measured
Why should I always feel pressured
I mean - look at all the storms I've weathered

You'd think I like me. You'd be wrong
I try my best to always stay strong
I keep on singing a victory song
Yet I fear I'll never find where I belong

With every stone thrown
Apathy is grown
everything said becomes irrelevant
With the resentment you've shown
I feel all alone
Totally out of my element

Your voice can chill to the bone
With your coarse tone
Do you see my pain shine through
Does it remain unknown
I can't carry it on my own
Feeling nothing is all I can do

I push down the anger and fear
I bury it deep in my chest
I let go of all I hold dear
And simply hope for the best

I have faked joy for so long
I don't recognize myself in a mirror
It seems everything is so wrong
But I'm seeing myself clearer

My own mind provides my torture
Til I feel hollow -so empty
I guess that's why they call it disorder
Maybe that's why apathy tempts me