Can you see it through my sunken eyes
That yet again, my mind is going crazy?
Can you hear my rapid breath or my eyelids blinking quickly?
Can you smell the sweat on my palms, or the spit I keep swallowing in my mouth?
How do I manage to always fall apart when people need me the most?
In an instant, while someone else is losing their ****, I am losing mine.
How can I support him when I can’t support myself?
How do I tell my head to stop talking long enough for me to grasp a hold of planet earth?

We. Got. This. Thing. Under. Control.



Or, so I think.

To have something ripped from your life without even a warning.


How disrespectful.


I crumble down to the earth like breaking rocks and I don’t see the sun shining anymore.
Where did my strength all go?

Then I look over and see you...


         m y   l o v e r

I just want to hit something or someone.
I don’t want to stop until my fingers are bleeding.
I want to hurt him like how he hurt me.
I want him to feel the pain he caused.
I want him to suffer.    


I locked myself in the bedroom and he punched a hole in the door. I wanted to *** myself because I was so scared and for what ever reason, I couldnt stop shaking. I stayed in the room until he went downstairs and I ran to my car. He stood behind me and acted as if I wouldn’t hit him. But I wanted to. I knew that if I ran him over, the suffering would be over. The abuse would end-but I didn’t.
Because you can’t make a narcissist feel anything.

I don’t know where my anger comes from.
Ok

I lied

I do.

It comes from a man I knew before you who promised me a lifetime of stability. He used his slick words and false promises to guide my eyes elsewhere while he slithered around behind my back.
He once thought that buying me things would make me turn a blind eye to the promiscuity that was unfolding in the dark.

Men always thought I was complicated and hard to read. I don’t find myself so hard. All I crave is touch. The touch of a hand under the table on my leg. The caress of fingers on my face before sleep. A hug out of nowhere when it’s least expected.

I don’t want fancy things and expensive dinners. I don’t want diamond rings and new makeup. I want you to listen to me and touch me. Can’t you see? I’m a human who needs contact.

Why is that so hard?

Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever really understands me. I often feel as if I’m searching for a level of comfort that I will never really find. I want to feel like home and when I don’t, I crave familiarity.

It’s like driving down a road you’ve known forever and seeing the same people driving and walking by.

The smell of my mom when she hugs me with her favorite perfume on

My cat when he stretches his legs and leans against me because I provide the same home to him that I am searching for in others

I suppose I will never rest until my heart stops beating.

Remember when we wanted each other so badly, that we couldn’t get our pants off quick enough?
I used to see the love in your eyes when you would stare at me from afar.
You’d find any excuse to stand near me and touch my skin.
...now...things have changed...
You walk ahead of me and I feel like I’m being left behind.
Roommates.
Ones that occasionally make love and Netflix together
I miss most the sweet tender words you used to speak
Constantly searching for affection that I will never ever reach

A real man ***** you awake; before you’ve even had a chance to stop dreaming about him.