The way he makes my heart beat, I just can't describe it. I met him at a time of feeling lost and uncertain. He makes me feel like home. He is everything I could ever want in another human being. The way he touches me. The way he listens to me. The way he puts me in my place.

We were walking under the night sky
Unfamiliar roads boggled my mind
I tried to keep my cool
You told me that you couldn't protect me if someone jumped out of the bushes
I wondered what kind of man you were after you said that

The kind who ran when times got tough
The kind who wouldn't speak up if he got the wrong coffee
The kind who wouldn't talk about his feelings

The deeper I got into your brain
The more I realized that you weren't healed
I got lost in your music and tried to find your soul behind the riffs
But you were nowhere to be found
I got tired of searching

You didn't talk to me for a whole week because you were too scared to tell me you didn't want to see me.

I recommended places for you to see in town without me.

I thought about you walking through the park and not having me near.

You sir, are what we call a coward.

My best guy friend is getting a divorce.
Today he asked me if it’s normal to be happy and sad at the same time.
I felt a choke in my throat, my stomach sink.
What is happy?
Happy is my ******.
Everyday I am in search of happiness, that disappears into a vapor cloud when I try to embrace it.
Maybe I am always sad with a hint of happy.
I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy.
I have spurts every now and then,
When anxiety and doubt decides to take a break and give my mind a rest.
Death scares me and I think about it often.
How it will happen.
How my old skin will hang and I will no longer recognize my self in the mirror.
Losing my parents.
Saying goodbye to my cat.
How can anyone be happy when impending doom is right around the corner.

People who have kids always try to make it a point to let you know:

A. They have kids.
B. You don’t have kids.
C. Your opinion doesn’t matter because you don’t have kids.


My heart breaks into two and my mouth does that odd thing where I try to smile to hide my tears, but it quivers and I feel previously open parts of my soul shut down.

I am aware everyday of my 30 year old existence that I don’t have kids. I am aware that while I was in college making straight A’s, my friends were building connections with lovers, purchasing homes, having families.

Now I am left in an unfit despair of nothingness and quiet mornings. Empty nights full of Netflix and crying. Hugging my cat when the human touch is lost.

I suppose people don’t know the words they say can sting like daggers. Suppose, maybe they do.

I look at her and poison slips from my tongue-
Competition.
I smack my bubblegum in hopes that you can hear it across the room.
What does she have that I don’t?
A shield you pull out in unworthy discussions about...H E R.
You protect her as if she’s a wounded kitten found in a swampy sewer.
Disgust fills my empty veins as you inhale your menthol cloud.
All I can do is **** people with words, tongue ties, and depths of unknown worlds.
When all I wish you would tell her is:

I. Am. Done. Talking. To. You. About. Her.

A darkness is coming over me
One that I’ve felt before
It wraps me in its warm embrace
To let me know
I’m not alone