Stewie

Stewie Dec 2017

Red.

They say you never forget your first love.
It was high school.
You looked at me and I was done for.

You drove me to Wal-Mart in your truck.
It was late.
We tried on Halloween masks.
I was 16.
You held my hand on the way home.
We smoked cigarettes.

I thought, "this is what love feels like."

Over ten years later, and I still love you.

Stewie Dec 2017

Dementia

I wish I would have known that the last time I saw you, would truly be the last time.

I would have kissed you longer.

I would have inhaled your skin and pressed my body against yours more often.

I would have ran my fingers through your hair.

I would have studied your face more, listened to your laugh and voice deeper.

I hate myself everyday for not enjoying the moment more, because now you're gone and I am starting to forget what you sound like.

I'm starting to forget what you look like when you laugh.

I'm starting to forget what you smell like.

I'm starting to forget how your soft lips felt against mine.

I'm starting to forget how your hand felt in mine.

Even though I may forget all of the tiny pleasantries such as those, I will never forget the way you made me feel: whole again.

Stewie Dec 2017

Little Moments

Where are you supposed to go when no place feels like home?
How are you supposed to fall in love, when no one can **** your mind like you want them to?

I find myself in this dilemma quite often.

I look for love in the unknown.

Locked eyes in a coffee shop.
Brushing hands while reaching for the same fruit in the grocery store.
When the car blinker in front of me, matches mine at the exact same pulse.
Laughing at the same joke in a crowd of people.
Vibing to the beat at a concert.

I refuse to look for love online.

I want to find little love moments like that around me, in real life, and never let them go.

Love will find me when I am ready.

Stewie Dec 2017

Ashamed

I’ll never forget the day I told you I wanted a divorce.
I sat in the apartment parking lot and called my mom and dad.
It’s time- I said.
We knew it was coming- they said.
My knees wobbled to the apartment door.
I stuck the key in the lock and felt my soul leave my body.
There you were, in the kitchen, cooking dinner.
You hugged me.
Sit down- I said

Your eyes widened.
My heart crawled up my bony body and lodged itself into my throat.
My hands turned into sweaty ice.
I want a divorce- I said.
Ok. Wow. Why? You ask.
All of the air in the room evaporated.

It was in that moment, I would never be the same. We would never be the same.

Stewie Dec 2017

Emotionless

It takes all the power I have inside of me to not text you that I ******* miss you.

I’m smart, I went to college, but when it comes to you, I’m ******* dumb.

Why do I miss you? You weren’t there for me emotionally, when I really needed you.

Maybe it was the way you smoked **** at the edge of your bed.

Maybe it was the way you held me in complete silence.

Maybe it was the way you loved my short hair.

You were so hot and cold. So up and down. I never knew if I was coming or going. It was a beautiful disaster.

I’ll never be able to erase you from my cold little heart.

Stewie Dec 2017

Bad Liar

I love walking right next to you.
I love the way you stand.
I love the way you talk.
I love the way your hair blows in the wind.

I love your hands.
I love your arms.
I love your smile.
I love your laugh.

I love your eyes.
I love your tight jeans.
I love the way you smoke your cigarette.
I love your skin.

I love the way you left my life.
I love it when I lie.

Stewie Dec 2017

Video Games

When you held my hand, I felt as though I was floating on one of those fluffy moving clouds from the game, Mario. My feet couldn’t touch the ground and even though I was frightened, I felt safe in your grip.

When you kissed my lips, my brain got that kind of feeling you get when you sit on your hands too long. It was static and mushy and I felt at any moment, I could have an aneurysm and die happy.

When you said you missed me, I went back to the times in which I said that very same statement to men before, and was left with a cricket response. My heart melted into a popsicle pool like it was a hot summer day.

When you said goodbye, I cursed myself, because I knew it was too good to be true. My heart drowned in disappointment and my head said, “I told you so...”. But then why did my heart and head tell me it felt so right before?

I’m ****** up.