Stewie

Stewie Dec 2017

He kisses me.
Our alcohol mouths intertwined.
Our cigarettes long burned, with ash trailing as long as the city lights that you walk me home under.
I open my eyes, and he isn’t you.
Will my whole life consist of kissing complete strangers so I can find you again?

He pulls me in close and holds me.
If only he knew, that’s all I want.
I have this longing to be held.
By anyone, really.
I don’t want them to talk.
I don’t want them to look me in the eyes.
Because I’ll cry and I don’t want to cry.
Just keep holding me.
Please.
I know he will never be you, but in this moment, with my head buried on his chest, I can pretend.

Stewie Dec 2017

Empty.

Sometimes you have to fall apart.
Sometimes people leave your life.

Sometimes, this happens so you can learn to love yourself
Again.

Stewie Dec 2017

The More You Know

Did you know?
In the state of Florida, you can do “same-day” divorce.
In one day, our marriage was dissolved.
8 months later and I am still trying to scrub you off my skin.

Stewie Dec 2017

Arrangement

I don’t sleep anymore and it’s causing my mind to play tricks on me.
I want someone who isn’t afraid of my sharp edges.
Pull me in your arms and let me breathe in your scent.
I’ll love you like no one has ever loved you.
I will remember your tiniest details from the foods you despise to the TV shows you adore.
I’m hard to take in. I’m quite aware of this.
I let my emotions spill out of my mouth like an oil leak and it can be very hard for men to entertain that.
I just want honesty at all times and my brain can’t quite comprehend as to why loyalty is so difficult.
I’m driving them away.
Day by day.
Little pieces strewn around the floor
Begging to be collected.
I will arrange my cells for you.
Help me please.
Help me put myself back together.

Stewie Dec 2017

*****.

I’ve never understood **** pictures.
I read an article once that said women who post pictures with makeup on, means they are more likely to ****.
I don’t know about you, but that ******* disgusts me.
What do I do with a **** photo?
I cringe and stare and then delete it because it makes me feel uneasy.
In a world full of men with readily to send **** pictures, well, it scares me.
I want a gentleman.
**** my mind, then maybe down the road, ill ask for one of your saved ***** photos.

Stewie Dec 2017

Alles gut

I’ll never forget how you held my hand under the Amsterdam sky. The way you drove on the German Autobahn. I’ll never forget how you looked at me, while we inhaled the **** soaked air. I remember feeling an indescribable happiness hugging you and seeing the boats pass underneath us. I remember thinking we could live here. Start a new life. Learn the language. Things are so simple in Europe. Now, it’s just a distant memory that I will savor and store in the back of my head.

Stewie Dec 2017

Doubt

We got married too young.
My breath shortens.
The doors to the church are about to open and all I can feel is my pulse quicken and this lingering moment of doubt I can’t seem to shake.
According to google, this fear is normal, but is it?
Counting down.
My father positions himself next to me.
He looks at me.
You know what look I’m talking about.
The look that says, “I’m your father and you are my daughter, if you want to escape, now is the time to say something...”
It’s like he knew something before I did.
But I cower.
The doors open and our eyes meet.
You don’t cry, but I do.
It’s like I’m walking to my death.
We get to the end and my father hugs me

I hesitate and don’t let go of my dad.
He whispers, “it’ll be ok”.
But it wasn’t.
It ended.
And I have myself to blame.