Ugh. I'm feeling super emotional and vulnerable today. I don't know why but I'm on the edge of tears. I want to cry so badly but I'm trying to hold my **** together right now. I can't pinpoint as to why I feel this way. I think I'm just sad. About money. About my broken relationship. About work. I'm not ready to date anyone. I need to take it slow. Going out with someone makes me want to throw up and not the good kind.

My horoscope says if I don't pursue this, I'll always wonder what if? And I would rather go into this full force and get hurt then sit at home and be like, ****. What if?

I feel like I'm running in circles. I think I need to let this thing fade away slowly. I think I'm grasping at thin straws right now. I hate being the only one who takes the initiative and makes the effort. I understand he wants to go slow but I'd like him to do something. I don't know. I'm trying to follow with my heart and emotion and that is proving to be hard. I just wish I knew where I stood. I am not going to text him first this week and I will see if he makes plans to see me. Just seems like he is too busy and I might be making it too easy for him. I just don't like playing games. If I want to text you, then I'm going to text you. But I guess I have to resort to being a ******* child because of that. Just *****.

I just feel so sad. I'm sitting in my car cryin after work. It's storming. He wants to come up to Jacksonville and I want to say yes. But I know it's wrong. I just want the comfort of having someone near me to touch me. I feel so alone. I miss my family but I don't want to talk to them because I just feel like a disappointment. I heard some ******* the phone tell the other person she loves them. I just want to be ok. I want to feel ok. I want to stop crying. I want to feel normal. I don't want to be tired. I don't know when I'm supposed to be done healing.

I want to make love. Be sensual. Kiss. Be held. Hugged. Touched. Smoke. Drink. Eat. I want to pass by strangers I'll never see again. Look into eyes that get me. Understand my darkness. Understand my soul. I want to close my eyes. And in that little moment, feel happiness. I'll try to hold onto it until it escapes. I'll grasp it so tight. I want to be wanted. Safe. Comfort. Home. Comfortable silence. Steal glances. Maybe a touch. And if we kiss, I'll hold on to it. I'll embrace it. I'll let every cell of my being and fiber soak it in like a sponge. And I'll kiss him back. Grab him. Pull him close. Because he has successfully penetrated my mind. He carries an immense sadness and so do I. We aren't forever and most likely won't be. If we make love, I'll look at him, like I've never looked at anyone before. I'll kiss his neck. Touch him everywhere. I'll make him believe this is the first time. Because I want to. I won't fake it. When I see him for the first time, I'll hug him so tight. I'm ready universe. I'm ready to get hurt again. I'm scared. I'm vulnerable. I feel sick. It's an all too familiar feeling that I felt months ago. But that's romance right? You keep trying in hopes the next time is different.